This was written for the proboard challenge of May.
This was the challenge I picked;
Write a scene/story about a character experiencing a particular emotion with NO dialogue.
Let me know what you think.
The door closes behind me.
No more music, silence.
I walk down the few steps, one last glance. No, I must do this.
While running toward the gate the only sound I hear are my footsteps in the gravel. Keep running, away from here. I have to leave.
My feet carry me along the path that I travelled all those weeks ago.
Darkness surrounds me; I feel it crawling in to my heart. My chest feels tight. Just breathe, breathe.
My legs slow down. Another look behind me, I see that I've run a far distance. My eyes scan the road, no sight of another human being.
If someone or something just would give me a sign then I would not hesitate to walk right back where I came from.
Did I make the right decision?
Nothing. Silence. Darkness.
The bag I'm carrying feels as if it's made of lead even if it only contains the few items I arrived with in the first place.
Maybe it isn't the bag? Maybe it's my body that doesn't want to move. Just a few more meters to walk, the ruffling sound of the leaves on the trees calm me.
I'm alone.
The bus arrives to take me to my destination. Taking a seat in the almost empty bus makes me feel even more alone. The drive goes by in a flash; before I know it I'm standing in front of the Abbey.
Looking around the street, I'm wondering if I should climb the wall like I used to do when I would sneak out to go up to my mountain. No, I decide to go to the gate; it is my best option.
Hesitating for a few heartbeats I look at the grand building. These walls will protect me.
Taking the few steps forward and I ring the bell, just once. I can still go back. Who am I kidding? I can't go back.
Hearing the slow shuffling of feet on the concrete makes my heart race. I'm not sure if I'm really ready.
When the Sister arrives at the gate she looks at me and asks me if she 'can be of any service?'.
Taking off my hat, she recognizes me immediately and gets the key from her habit, letting me in.
I was hoping that some sort of calmness would run over me once I stepped in these confide walls, but it didn't.
The Sister sees that I'm not willing to talk about my return. She only nods and leads me to my old room. When we arrive at my door she leaves me alone.
Do I dare to step inside? It seems to me as if this room doesn't belong to me anymore. Who does it belong too?
Hesitantly my hand grips the handle, opening the small room. Nothing has changed; it even smells the same.
Stepping in, I turn on the lamp while closing yet another door behind me.
Taking a glance at the bed makes me remember my first night as a governess. What a contrast that room was to this confined space!
No children, no singing, no Capt…. No!
Looking at the grand cross above the bed I kneel down. I put the bag beside me.
My prayers start.
Confusion, hopes, wishes, questions, dreams.
My knees start to hurt. How long have I been in this position? I have no sense of time.
Looking up at the cross again, hoping for an answer. But there isn't one.
My body is tired, tired of all these feelings; feelings that give me the sensation as if I'm drowning.
After my night routine I crawl in to bed. Hugging my knees, I'm trying to protect my aching heart.
0000
I hear the church bell chime in the distance making it clear that it's time for morning Mass. I can't make myself go. No, I need more time. I want to be alone and climb back under the blankets again, blocking out the outside world.
When I hear the bells ring again I crawl out of bed. The door opens slowly after a quiet knock. Sister Catherine comes in carrying a small tray with bread and milk. She gives me a loving smile. I always liked her face; it seems to brighten the whole room.
Before she can speak I tell her I want to go into seclusion. The look on her face doesn't surprise me. She has always known me as someone who couldn't be quiet, who couldn't stop singing wherever I was. But I see the respect in her eyes when she bows her head and tells me they would bring me my meals.
The door closes. I'm alone again.
I hear the clock chime 8 times. My thoughts go to the children. What have I done? A locked up feeling surrounds me. I kneel down again. This time my prayer goes out to the children, hoping they can forgive me.
Somehow the praying doesn't help, it hits me hard that I'm never going to see their lovely faces, hear their voices and their laughter again.
Panic takes over my body.
I stand quickly, trying to control my breathing.
I open the window for some fresh air. It helps.
Closing my eyes I see the children before me. I will never forget them.
My mind goes back to the person who is responsible for me being back here. The Baroness.
Had she been right? Was there something between the Captain and me? Was I really blind not to notice any of this?
The shock that ran through my body was like lightning the moment she told me she thought he was in love with me. No, it just couldn't be true!
How could she say I was in love with him? I don't even know what love is.
I was not aware that I had been doing anything wrong.
Of course the Captain is a very handsome man. His elegant way of walking. His posture when he explains something. His wiggling fingers while he's impatient. The way his eyes light up when he is in the presence of his children. Who wouldn't notice this man?
A warm feeling comes over me. Just like the times when I would look at the Captain and my breath would catch in my throat. It had overwhelmed me; like butterflies dancing in my belly. I can feel it again. Is this love?
The warm feeling disappears at the thought of never seeing him again. If this is love, then it hurts and it hurts badly.
For the first time since my return I start to cry. I don't care. I need to let it out.
My body crumbles at all the sadness and somehow my legs can't hold me anymore. My back slides down the wall, I crumple down on the floor. I cry… alone.
0000
When I open my eyes, I look up and see that the sun has set to rest at this part of the world. Getting up I try to balance myself at the windowsill.
No stars, no moon, just clouds. Like a black blanket covering the world, reflecting the numbness I feel in my heart.
The small knock on the door stops me from my depressing thoughts. Sister Margaretta enters, bringing in the tray of food, which had apparently sat outside my door for hours.
I can't look at her. She had been my mentor in the months I'd been at the Abbey.
I hear her clear the first tray, which I haven't touched and she places the new tray on the small desk. Respecting my wishes she leaves without a word. I leave the tray untouched.
My thoughts go back to my time at the Villa. I had such a lovely time with the children. Was it wrong of me to feel at home? Was there something I could have done to prevent these things from happening?
I know I can't control my thoughts, but maybe if I had shut my mouth when needed. Maybe if I didn't look at the Captain when he sang Edelweiss. Just maybe, then all of this would never have happened.
Who am I? Am I still the same person as when I left to be a governess? I pledged my life to God not to someone else.
Again I start to pray, hoping He would answer all of my questions. Why doesn't He answer me!
I'm getting angry, but who am I angry at? At myself? At the Baroness? At God? I don't know. I need to know my destiny. I can't stay like this forever.
I love God! I love the children, I love the Capt…. NO I can't!
My praying becomes quicker; my voice is raised, trying to block out all of my thoughts.
Exhausted, I crawl in bed.
0000
Waking up in sweat, I try to adjust myself to my surroundings. The dream I just had startled me.
Flashes of my time with the children: running through Salzburg, going to my mountain, teaching them to sing, the puppet show. No these memories weren't the ones that are haunting me.
Walking over to the sink I let the cold water run across my fingers. There is no mirror so I let my forehead touch the cold tiles.
Closing my eyes I relive my dream: The Captain asking me to stay after our argument; him complimenting me after the puppet show; his singing; our dancing to the Leander.
All these memories.
I let the water gather in my hands and splash it in my face.
What disturbed me the most were these flashes: I'm in his arms; he is kissing my forehead, holding me close. Fast forward… A wedding, I'm in a beautiful white gown, he is waiting for me at the altar. Fast forward… I'm standing beside a Christmas tree, holding a small bundle of joy.
Oh Lord, please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.
0000
I tried to eat something this morning. But a few mouthfuls were all I could manage.
Again I start my prayers. It seems that my feelings have calmed a bit.
Hopefully the answers will come soon. I need to feel like myself again. I'm getting ready to start my day. Maybe I'll even go out to the garden for some fresh air.
But first I bow down on my knees again. The door opens but I don't stop my prayers.
Sister Margeretta doesn't want to disturb me. She lets me pray for another few minutes before I stop and stand to look at her.
She tells me the Reverend Mother wishes to talk to me. I tell her I'm not ready yet.
Sister Margaretta is firm. There is to be no arguing, the Reverend Mother wishes to see me.
Now I stand before the Reverend Mother's door, my head is bowed, I fidget with my hands.
The door opens. My heart starts to race.
Seeing the loving look in her eyes makes the tight feeling go away. I bow before her. The hand on my head feels like 'home'.
She noticed my fatigued face and apologizes to me. Why would she apologize to me? I'm the one that's having these thoughts. I stand to look at her.
Oh no, she starts asking questions.
I sit down in the chair at her desk with my back towards the Reverend Mother. I can't look at her. But I hear the concern in her voice.
How can I tell the Reverend Mother my true feelings?
I must tell her.
I tell her everything.
She is understanding.
She is loving.
She sends me Home.