Winner of the 2010 Hugh Laurie Birthday Fiction Contest.
Summary: During and after: Help Me Huddy is working, but there are all those secrets from the past and there is Lucas.
Author:Whatuwant
Disclaimer: This belongs to DS and TPTB
Ships: House/Cuddy
One-shot
Don't Leave Me Alone in the Dark
Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you got till it's gone...
Joni Mitchell from "Yellow Taxi"
The garish white glow of the high intensity emergency lights lit the site harshly. It looked like a scene from Dante's Inferno, the great maw out of the sides and top of what once was a six story building with an underground garage. It appeared as if some huge monster from a Japanese horror film had taken a bite or just trounced the building into the ground leaving its huge broken back skeleton flung in pieces across the torn out building, a collapsed crane . When Cuddy arrived at the site she had, had an overwhelming sense of horror, but had quickly pushed it aside to focus on triage; helping one injured person at a time, she accessed the conscious, and the unconscious, deciding priority. These life and death decisions were made coldly, but it was what she could do. She looked at one bleeding disoriented person, after the next, a broken arm, concussed woman, one stitch at at time to close a gash, a deft splint of a broken leg. And then there was there was the girl with the leg that was worse than broken, the leg that was trapped beneath a building and then there was House. Even with her head and hands engaged, he was always there, always there, her thorn.
In the moments after the secondary collapse the horror came back, but had narrowed and sharpened into something more deeply personal than she had ever expected to have to deal with that night. She had made her bid to finally be free of House, the last slash of the scalpel was like performing surgery, it was necessary to divorce feeling from function, and they had to separate for both their sakes. "I don't love you so just accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone around you miserable." She had yelled at him, trying to make herself believe it. She was trying to get him to react, to care enough to break free from the cycle of self pity. She had found it a double edged sword, because even though she had been fairly calm and determined when she told him of her engagement to Lucas, the sudden moment of seeing the frozen pain in him, like someone had robbed him of breath and life, had hurt her in a deep visceral way that she couldn't even acknowledge and made her suddenly desperately fight harder and with the viciousness of a trapped animal. She could not acknowledge his love, without feeling the echo of her own and she rejected it, tried one last time to reject it, because it was toxic, wasn't it, bad for both of them. Ever since Mayfield she told herself it was the same possessiveness that he had always had about her, the twisted way, he would not step up to be in a relationship, but would not let her start a relationship with anyone else either. And yet she was still concerned for his feelings, still had tried to hide, the changes she had made until it blew up in her face. His possessiveness had always reminded her of a dog with no teeth , guarding a bone he could only sniff and lick. He had never been socially adept, but since the infarction he no longer had even the semblance of skills for a relationship, and knowing it he had rejected and deflected her overtures and hurt her one time too many. She had been his bird in a cage to admire and play with and torture but never to touch and equally never to let fly free. He had to move on and so did she. This twisted subterranean relationship they shared was sick and it had to end for both their sakes, for both their sanity. By the time she had finished her last home truth, all her pseudo calm had gone down the drain. Her last look at herself on the mirrored reflector on the side of a rescue squad, had reflected her back face pale, gaunt and hollow eyed. His strike back "A life lesson from middle aged single mother who's dating a man-child" had hurt , but she could not blame him, even as she hit it right back to him, spewing all her resentment of the last 10 years, heck the last twenty.
"Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. Sick of other people having to tip toe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done."She spat.
"Just stay away from my patient he yelled after her." She was shaken, stirred and ragged inside as she turned back to him for the final salvo.
"What are you clinging to House? Are you going to risk her life just to save her leg? It really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life honestly, tell me?" she demanded standing facing him ignoring the deer in headlights look on his face as she got it all out. "I'm moving on ", she emphasized pointing toward her chest. "Wilson is moving on. And you, you've got nothing House, nothing."
She was down in the hole trying to convince Hannah to let her cut off her leg, to no avail, when she heard his slithering descent behind her. She turned, expecting another fight, but the look on his face stilled her, this was a different man than she had left just a few minutes ago. Had something she said gotten through to him? Hannah pleaded for his continuance as her champion to preserve her leg, it was she and House against the world and only he could make her see reason. Cuddy looked down, afraid and missed the brief look he gave her before returning his gaze to the girl.
"Hannah, he said quietly, Cuddy looked up gazing towards him expectantly. "We have to amputate your leg." It was base level, no deflecting, real Greg House. He had confessed to the trapped girl that he had made the wrong decision about his own leg. His voice, so gentle, yet so raw, so vulnerable, yet oddly strong, as he had admitted having the damage and pain all these years had changed him. Made him harder, made him worse. Oh my God, she had been paralyzed herself with the pain of that admission, yet it had come from him almost easily, it was apparent he was not thinking about himself in the narcissistic, self indulgent way which was his wont, but he was thinking of someone else, a patient for goodness sake, and one he had just met. But he had connected with her, Hannah's own need had pulled him back, and there was no doubt, that he no longer saw her as a list of symptoms or a medical situation, he saw her as a scared young woman, separated from the love of her life by a pile of rubble, and faced with a life altering decision, possibly a life and death decision, perhaps he even saw himself.
Trapped beneath the collapse with the two of them she looked down at the crush of rubble and concrete beneath her hardly daring to breath, she had felt like a third wheel. House's eye contact was all for Hannah as he had made himself vulnerable for her, to try to share his experience and his regrets, it was not done in his usual manipulative way, but as one soul cry to another soul, the unimportance of flesh, before it was too late, before she got caught up in the meaning of a leg as he had done. Because it was just a leg until he had made it more and it had become his own albatross. His own barbarous hair shirt which tortured him with pain 24/7 twisting the soul and the essence of him to fit it's misshapen shape. Witnessing this different part of House, the wide eyes, the soft voice with it's inflection of heart to heart admission, and soul confession, had made her shed slow painful silent tears as that vulnerability reminded her of pre-infarction House, the young man she had met in college who could still occasionally be open and sincere. He said finally that he had made the wrong decision about his leg, and he had been stubborn before it and resentful after it. He continued his admission that his pain and regret had made him a worse person, a harder person and he had ended up alone. He was no example to follow he insisted, she did not want to end up like him. It was then Cuddy realized he had clung to Hannah needing him, he needed somebody to trust him and believe he was strong enough to support them,save them, a person that considered him worthy to emulate and now he was deliberately stripping that away so that she would do as he said and not what he had done. He had told her she had so much to live for her, husband, her friends, a life, and even without him saying it, she heard the echo of her voice telling him so cruelly that he had nothing, nothing. Finally Hannah heard and was convinced, and House sent Cuddy away claiming this duty as his own toward Hannah, even though Cuddy could not imagine what it would do to him. The thought of protesting that she would stay and at least help died on her lips as she met his determined gaze.
She had been relegated to standing outside hearing Hannah scream with the raw pain of an amputation without anesthetics and feeling for both of them. She felt herself awash in an ocean of pain so big, so deep, she could not even grasp the beginning or the end of it. Had in fact her repudiation freed him for this very connection he had made with Hannah? When they had arrived on the scene, he had been obsessed with sussing out the information on her relationship and reading into her hesitation over the gift, all manner of things, so she had, had to tell him she was getting married and finally again in definitive way she had to get him to let go, but that had been an utter failure, for at the precise moment, the precise second when he stepped back, his eyes telling her she was free, uncaged, released, was the very moment her soul had risen up in absolute rebellion at that letting go, at that prospect of the bereft feeling of being without House, disconnected from him, disconnected from who she herself was with him and trying to imagine who she would be without him... it was impossible, unimaginable, and the thought of Lucas did not comfort her, it was like trying to drink water to assuage hunger, it did not work. Even the thought of Rachel was not enough.
The winds had picked up and the night sky outside the circle of lights had begun to lighten from indigo to a pre-dawn, bluish gray that was reflected in the eyes she turned towards House as he came out beside Hannah's stretcher. He briefly did meet her eyes as Hannah's husband grabbed his wife's hand and confessed he loved her beyond a leg, beyond flesh, beyond any thing that was wrong or might be wrong in the future. Cuddy felt stunned, simply pole-axed as she met House's eyes with the remnants of guilt, but also a negative emotion like a void which recognized finally the meaning of what they had wasted, and the value of what they were throwing away. She didn't want to be free, not from House... what had she done?
Then House was following Hannah's husband into the ambulance and as she stared at him the wind whipping the hair about her head echoed the confusion within it. House reached forward to catch both ambulance doors and met her eyes with a look that at once engaged, then repelled, and released. He was done, his expression was a wordless echo of the words she had said to him earlier, yet it had never sounded so final. It felt like a betrayal that she herself had instigated. She was free, but she did not want freedom, not from him. She could fix this, she had to, she was resolved. The slam of the ambulance door broke the spell, she had to get to Rachel, she had to get to her new house, to her new fiance. It was strange she only thought of home in regards to Rachel, not in reference to Lucas, and suddenly it became crystal clear she was making a huge mistake. No amount of wishing would make her love Lucas, not the kind of love she had just witnessed between Hannah and her husband, that emotion was on reserve for House and only for him. She had kept thinking if she focused on Lucas hard enough, the feelings for House would fade away or at least become less, but they hadn't, she knew in her heart of hearts, that even though Lucas was the man in her house and the man in her bed, her thoughts and her feelings were all about House, even Lucas had recognized it. How then could she proceed, how could she go on. She had a ring back in her desk drawer. How could she continue to perpetrate such fraud not only on Lucas but on herself, it was wrong on so many levels, it was cowardly, and she was not that. She had to reverse it, she had to get out of this nightmare of a fake life. She had been in a field of dreams really believing her own personal fairytale that if she built a perfect life with Lucas, the love would come and eventually drown out this feeling for House which had caused her nothing but pain. She had just wanted the pain to end.
When House had gone into Mayfield it had devastated her, that he could be that sick and she could totally miss it. That he could need her that badly and not be able to ask for her help. Who was House without his rational mind, he thought it was the only thing he had to offer, so like a self fulfilling prophecy it made it so. Loss of his rational mind would leave him a wreck, destroyed, and she herself had felt just as destroyed. She had felt his pain moving within her 24/7 for that first few weeks looking forward to, living for some kind of contact that never came. If she had not had the nanny she didn't know if she could have taken care of Rachel. She remembered her college roommate, so devastated when she been dumped by her boyfriend that she stayed in bed for two weeks and practically ended up on academic probation. She had confessed to Cuddy, that she had been waiting to pull out into an intersection near campus and almost sent her little Red Volkswagen out in front of an 18-wheeler, just for a second she said, she had thought if I just give the car one tap of gas, all the pain could be gone. She said she had only thought it for second, and she didn't want to end her life, just the pain, she couldn't see around the pain. Cuddy had convinced her to go to the health unit to talk to someone.
Well Cuddy, wasn't an emotional 20 year old, and she had Rachel to think of, but she sort of understood, about wanting to end the pain by any means necessary. Because House going to Mayfield in that first few weeks was to her as if he died. What she had done for her college roommate, she could not do for herself, and she had no one to talk to, not even Wilson. It was like that last 24 hours before Mayfield had put them on different sides of the fence, they had always looked out for House in tandem, touching bases when they thought there was a problem, but it was obvious, that Wilson had known a lot more about House's decline, and refused to share it with her for whatever reason. She had not held it against him, he had been in denial and tried to be loyal to his friend, but in that moment of decision when he could have shared, he had looked on her as the administrator and not the friend and that had hurt. Then Lucas had come into her life, with comfort, and his knowledge of House, so he understood, so much and allowed her to talk or just be sad and finally slowly he had offered her such gentle caring and flattering flirtation, and eventually a love that felt like her own form of Vicodin. She was on a cloud, that drowned out her pain so she could function for herself and for Rachel. She was fond of him, had even thought she felt a love sorts, something that would grow, because he so loved her and was willing to show his feelings to her and Rachel. So opposite to House, and yet not. How had she convinced herself it would ever be more than that, that it would ever be enough.
She did not clearly remember returning to PPTH to retrieve the ring and then making her way to her new house. She had been operating on auto-pilot. They had just started moving in and everywhere was full of boxes, only the living room and Rachel's room had any semblance of order. She checked on Rachel who was asleep as was Marina, her nanny. That is how she found herself in that living room in her beautiful new home, waiting for Lucas when he came in from a stake out that morning.
"Lisa, he said coming over to kiss her, she turned her head slightly so he only got her cheek, feeling guilty that he did not yet know it would be the last time she even allowed that.
"I didn't expect to find you up? I thought you'd be beat after that nightmare in Trenton. I was looking at news reports on my phone. You were on the news, you know. Not only beautiful smart and powerful, but now a famous hero." he teased in his awkward way.
"Lucas," she abruptly interrupted what she thought would be one of his long winded spiels. " I stayed up, because, I had to tell you... I can't go through with the engagement. It was a mistake. I'm so sorry.", she said wondering why it sounded so abrupt and empty like a kid playing telephone with a tin can. She looked up at him in concern, wondering how he would take it, but she had an utter and resolute commitment to end it cleanly and quickly. He did not know it, but she really was doing him a favor.
Lucas gave a funny laugh, looking at her as though he did not quite believe her.
"What the hell, Cuddy? You just accepted my ring last night, I've started moving my stuff, how can you turn around... I expected cold feet, but not this fast. Oh my God! It's House? It's House, isn't Cuddy? He was there at that site in Trenton helping you, wasn't he? Wasn't he?" Lucas demanded grabbing her arms. Cuddy brought her arms up breaking his hold on her and stepped back.
"I'm very sorry Lucas, I made a big mistake. I never meant to hurt you, but I can't go on... not now."
"What the hell happened in Trenton, Cuddy? How did he get to you? I realize going through a traumatic event like that can bond you to someone, especially if there's history, but that's just temporary. It's crazy. You know he can't make you happy. He's incapable of a relationship. He just got out of the nut house, for God's sake. Is that what you want Cuddy, to play savior, a nurse maid to mop of his messes, until he destroys you and brings you down to his miserable level? And what about Rachel? Do you want him to make her as screwed up as he is? What the f- ck, Cuddy? What are you thinking?"
"That's enough, Lucas "she said coldly, her concern evaporating under his attack. She reached in her pocket to pull out the velvet jewelers box that held the ring he had given her. "I know you are upset and you have every right to be, but this is not going to change anything. I can't be with you, it wouldn't be right for either of us."
"Not the "it's not you, it's me", crap! I should have known he'd manipulate you back into being his patsy. If that's what you want. So be it! Don't ever say I didn't warn you."
She went over to the door and stood silently by, waiting for him to walk toward it. Her arms were folded in front of her defensively and she was holding herself trying to calm the quivery impatience in her belly. She was sorry he was upset and that she had hurt him, but he didn't want to hear that, and she didn't want to be verbally beat up, even if she deserved it. Somehow it was as if he was in a parallel universe, she could feel his anger, and even her own guilt, but it was distant, a dimly felt thing. Her whole mind and emotional being was focused on getting back to House, he was the one she had really hurt tonight, he was the one she cared about, he was the one she had to get to before her narrow window of opportunity to reverse the terrible things she had said closed forever. She was not unfeeling, at some point she would shed tears for so misleading the man in front of her, but now was not that time, and his insistence that she open her eyes and look at him was just short of annoying, so for a moment she focused on him. "I hope one day you find someone that loves you like you deserve," she said sincerely.
"Like you love House? No thanks!" He spat. "I want someone to really look at me honestly, not with rose colored glasses."
"The way you looked at me" she responded. And could have bitten out her tongue, she did not want to get into the blame game. And there was no doubt this was overwhelmingly her fault even if Lucas had been aware of her feelings for House.
"Okay, perhaps I did put up with too much, with your obsession over House, but I thought even you would wake up and realize he was a lost cause. House lies to you, keeps things from you. He's been drinking, I wouldn't be surprised if he's already back on drugs. You think he has changed? You'll find out. I wonder who you'll get to pick up the pieces next time, Cuddy, cause it certainly won't be me." he said before he jerked open her door and was gone. She leaned against the door jamb with the door still slightly ajar taking a few cleansing breaths as she heard his car burn rubber down her street. She turned to the console in her foyer, dashed off a note to Marina and then she picked up her keys and headed back out to her car. She was like a homing pigeon and House was her target.
Cuddy's hands trembled as she went to get House's key from the ledge above his door, and bumped against the door finding it not quite closed. A cold hand squeezed her chest as she quickly entered. While she was at the hospital, she had heard the news about Hannah; DOA, Pulmonary Fat Embolism. She knew it would have had a devastating effect on this new vulnerable House who had been on a mission to save the girl's leg, and now to have lost the person that had been so dependent on him, that he saw clearly as a person and not a patient. She suspected that it was the very reason he was so loath to connect with patients, not that he didn't care, but that he could not afford to. She followed the light straight back to his bathroom and leaned against the open door as she took in the ripped whole in the wall, the wrecked, mirror thrown in the tub and the shards of reflective glass glittering around the bathroom floor. It was like a smaller echo of the disaster they had left. There on the floor in the middle of the debris was House, his back against the tub, he was still dressed in the clothes he had worn at the site, dark jeans and leather jacket. There was bleeding around the bandage over his collar bone, he was covered in a thick layer of white dust, grime and blood, Hannah's blood and his own. Cradled in the smutty paw of his right hand were two white pills and there was a pill bottle on the floor, actually two. He looked up at her and there was not even surprise on his face it was almost as if he expected her and that, that's when her breath almost stopped. Contrarily his breathing was deep and loud, almost ragged in the small space. It seemed if he had been running or fighting and she realized it was with his own demons and he had been on the floor struggling with the Vicodin for a while, perhaps hours. He seemed already disconnected from reality as he stared at the Vicodin in his hand and then back up at her. There was a defeated resignation about him, at first it scared her because she thought it meant he felt he had no reason to go on, but the length of the struggle gave her hope, he had fought the good fight already and the Vicodin was still in his hand. As she walked into the bathroom, a sudden calm descended on her if he hadn't yet taken the pills and something told her, he wasn't going to, at least not tonight, but either way, it wasn't her responsibility, it was his.
"Are you going to leap across the room and grab them out of my hand?" he asked on exhaled breath looking up. His shocking blue eyes still stood out in his weary, dust laden face; there were rings under his eyes, and the grime was mixed with a trickle of blood across the bridge of his nose, and bleeding graze on his cheek.
"No. It's your choice if you want to go back on drugs." she said with bracing brevity, amazed at her outward calm, strangely enough she wasn't worried about the Vicodin, only how he would take what she had to say.
"Okay," he said, with a nasal drain in his voice, like the remnants of congestion or tears. "Just so you know I'm finding it hard to see the downside."
"We need to re-bandage your shoulder,"she continued, matter of factually, ending her lean against the open bathroom door, even as she chose to metaphorically lean on what had to be done physically before approaching what had to be done emotionally. She walked into the space, but not into his space resuming her lean against the bathroom wall, feeling her own weariness and her own grime as she stared down at her tennis shoes before looking back up at him for a moment in concern, not pity or over protectiveness but a sudden tenderness.
"Is that why you're here? Foreman send you?"
"No," she said quietly.
"You're here to yell at me again," he said petulantly.
"No."
"Well, I'm running out of ideas."
"Lucas."
"Ah, great, you're feeling uncomfortable again. Probably means you just got back from some quickie wedding in Vegas, or you're already pregnant?"
"I ended it."
"What?" His eyes look up at her like blue high beams, his mouth agape.
"I'm stuck House, I keep wanting to move forward, I keep wanting to move on, and I can't. I'm in my new house with my new fiance and all I can think about is you. I just need to know if you and I can work?"
"You think I can fix myself?"
"I don't know."
"Cause, I'm the most screwed up person in the world."
"I know. I love you. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it." Her words still contained that pithy calm brevity, but it communicated total acceptance.
House stared up her in amazement attempting to get up, and then finally reaching out his hand for her assistance.
He stands tall and close but his head approaches hers slowly looking down into her face almost in disbelief. He leans in to kiss her, almost shyly, brushing her lips with his, focusing on the upper lip almost nuzzling her and breathing her in. Then finally his mouth slightly open he kisses her, a succession of small kisses that get deeper, but then he pulls back.
"How do I know I'm not hallucinating?" he asked cautiously his eyes narrowing.
"Did you take the Vicodin?"
"No." he says looking at his hand.
"Then I think we are okay." She smiles at him and it's the sweetest smile he has ever seen. Her eyes are shiny and bright and look like heaven.
"Yeah', he said returning her smile, his slow and rusty but full of dawning hope, as he tosses the Vicodin to the floor and leans in to kiss her more deeply grabbing her hand their fingers interlocking in a symbol of love and unity.
The kiss was so sweet and full of healing, becoming deeper and more urgent until they both drew back to take a breath and yet still it was not about animal instincts, or not only that, it was a part of the whole tapestry of feelings running through them. After a second bout of kisses pressed them against the wall her arms had instinctively gone up to circle his neck to hold him closer and she felt him flinch with pain and draw back.
"So sorry ,"she whispered, we really do need to bandage that shoulder and you need to clean up."
"So do you, he said lifting a suggestive eyebrow. To which she smiled and laughed a small,laugh shaking her head. "You just had a building fall on you, House. Don't sell wolf tickets."
"I'll show you wolf tickets," he teased, leaning down to kiss her with more passion. She responded loosing her self for a minute until they once more parted.
Before either us cleans up we have to clean up this bathroom."
"I'll do that. I made the mess, and it's my bathroom."
"You've lost blood. We'll do together," she agreed. 15 minutes later the glass shards were in the trash and he was carefully sweeping the floor while she gave the bathtub, a thorough wiping out, checking it for glass fragments and then rinsing it with the shower sprayer before running a hot bath.
"Is that for us." he asked shedding his jacket and and his shirt and going for his pants. She left the room quickly as she heard his belt buckle hit the floor.
She went to check out his refrigerator, and found some delicacies. Funny to think he was practically a certified chef. She put them on a tray and took them to his bedroom. She smiled, as she heard him humming in the bath. She returned to the bathroom and sponged his upper body and prepared his neck for new bandage. As she sponged his back and shoulders she noticed a plethora of bruises.
"Why did you leave. Don't tell me that you are shy?" It's not like there's anything here you haven't seen before." he teased.
"Hmm,Yes, twenty plus years ago, she retorted. "That's testing my memory," she teased back narrowing her eyes.
"Well open your eyes, woman," he snapped back turning to kiss her gently as she gave a soft sexy laugh, loving their play, as she ran her hands over his smooth skin, she noticed while she was out of the room he had released some water and partially refilled the bath, so there were far fewer bubbles than she had initially put in. They were once again lost in their kisses, the natural smell of him, teasing her nostrils as she got lost in their kiss, when his tongue boldly begin to explore her mouth, she lost her mind and didn't protest as he pulled her on top of him. She was startled when the warm suds hit her bottom.
"House!" She squealed, jack knifing out of the tub.
"You got me wet." she accused.
"Don't you want to get clean too?" He asked innocently.
"I'll take a shower, when you're done." she insisted.
"No, come join me," he insisted, pulling her towards him.
"No, you're all clean and I'm still dirty," she protested weakly as he pulled her back toward the tub.
"Hmm," he made a sexy moue of his lips."You just made it sound so much better and suddenly her scrubs were being pulled over her head and her pants once the draw string released slid to the floor and she was only left with royal blue lacy underwear which was reflected in the smile of his eyes as if he was kid watching the best present he had ever received be unwrapped before his eyes.
When she joined him in the tub, she was suddenly shy again her lashes hitting her cheeks as she scooted to the opposite end.
"Come here woman." he insisted, tickling her her feet under the water. So she giggled and slid up beside him careful of his thigh, they squished tightly together and it felt really good.
"Did I tell you, I love you yet?" he asked, his hands in her hair releasing her pony tail so her hair fluttered down around her shoulders.
"No, she said.
"Remind me to do that one of these days," he teased her, and she slapped at him splashing him with water, which instituted a splash and tickle game that soon made a mess of the bathroom floor again. He calmed her by putting his hand on her chin and staring into her eyes the suddenly darkening of his eyes making her go still. "I do love you." he said simply. Kissing him was the most lovely thing, the novelty of his skin being at her fingertips and free and accessible to her, but even better than his skin, was what was contained there in, she could feel his heart beat under her hand and as the water soothed their bodies, the gentle nuzzling and knowing, the rebirth of love and passion soothed their minds and hearts.
The next morning she woke up, blinking her eyes not knowing where she was and then she remembered a smile curving her lips feeling like a weight had lifted off her. She was in bed with the man she loved, she had given in to the feeling and they had finally landed on the same page. They had not yet reconsumated their relationship. The night before, after the bath, they had shared a pair of his pajamas, and she had cleaned and re-bandaged his wound, it had been very intimate, him in the pajama bottoms her in the top, while he sat on the toilet and she pressed the compress with pressure to stop the trickle of blood still seeping from the wound, and then bandaged it tightly to maintain the pressure. They ended up in bed, eating his food and talking. She tried to reassure him that he had done everything possible for Hannah. If he had not heard her tapping and gone to investigate, it's probable she would have never gotten to see or talk to her husband again. He had listened to her, but she could not tell if what she was saying was helping him. She had kissed him in comfort and after a long make out session they had both fallen asleep. She opened her eyes taking in the quality of light coming through his window, it was not morning it was late afternoon, her eyes turned back toward the bed to find him looking at her considering. He had the same sense of pie-eyed giddiness that must be on her face. "Good morning sunshine." he said softly, as he began to kiss her shoulder working in toward her neck. As she met his narrowed eyes she gave a luxurious sigh, she was sure pain would be a part of everything they did. She wanted him and they had waited long enough.
His mouth, his tongue his muscled chest under her seeking hands. It was too much, sensation, too much. Their kisses were long and thirsty, like teenagers in their first make out session. Her tongue arrowed into a point, glanced over his moustache, tracing the deep Philitral dimple from his nose to lip. This was different than anything she had expected. It was no secret she liked sex and she had never held back with a partner, or so she thought, but this combination of chemistry and emotion was new to her. This was what people meant about making love versus having sex. He was voracious yet at the same time incredibly tender. It was a whole new world opening up a deeper depth of emotion as she allowed him to nuzzle her body from neck to toe pausing to press deeply mind blowing kisses in her most sensitive places. Little muffled moans of yearning emitted from her open mouth when he kissed her breasts, his hands producing a incredible stroking rythym as he went to other places finally finding her most secret place openig her to absolute joy. There were tears in both their eyes by when they joined and begin an incredible undulating dance that left them breatheless and spent.
Later she showered and dressed, wondering what she could wear home and found her scrubs and underthings, laundered and ready on the rack in the bathroom. She smiled tenderly at his thoughtfulness. When she went out into his living room he was there, propped in front of the TV.
"Can I have the rest of the day off, boss? After servicing the Dean, I'm sure I deserve it." he proclaimed with an incorrigible smile. Cuddy picked a pillow up off an easy chair and sent it sailing towards his head.
"No, you don't have to go in anybody who was in involved at the scene last night was relieved to day unless they have a patient or an emergency. I have to go home and check on Rachel. Marina deserves to go home some time. Will you come over for dinner later?" She asked walking towards the sofa.
"Try to keep me away", he replied."can we have dessert first? He asked naughtily and she sank down on the sofa beside him looking at him provocatively.
"What do you think?" she asked kissing his softly, a quick but deep kiss with tongue, before she leaped from the sofa and went quickly toward the door.
Over the next week the quickly fell into a pattern, he spent several night at her place, a couple afternoons and evenings at his, they could not seem to get enough of each other or not to touch each other whenever they were together. Work sometimes was a torture and somehow they had successfully kept it for everyone at the hospital including Wilson and her team.
House had even been left alone with Rachel for 15 minutes while Cuddy took a shower. There relationship was tentative, but developing. During that first 15 minutes, Rachel had just stared at him twisting her face as if she smelled something bad.
"You don't smell so great yourself, brat." House announced. "In fact I think you need a diaper change."
Don't worry Mommy will be out of the shower soon enough." It was as if those words had opened the flood gates because Rachel had began to cry and reach for him and he had, had to pick her up careful to keep her bottom from touching him and thankfully Cuddy had heard the racket and was there to take her.
She seemed really pleased that he had even picked her up and he sighed in relief. She was an okay, kid, but she needed to get a little age on her to be any fun.
Then one Saturday he showed up Cuddy's to find her distressed.
"What's wrong?" House asked.
"Lucas, Cuddy said on a sigh,
What about Lucas? Is he bothering you?" House, exclaimed.
He came to pick up his stuff yesterday and we had it out. I tried to keep it under control, I can't blame him for being upset but it got a little nasty and he...
"What? House asked.
"He made some accusations about you and the Diagnostics Department and the secrets you keep."
"Are you letting him in your head Cuddy? You know he's spreading poison." House replied, but there was something in his voice.
" House, I know Lucas is still angry, and he is not above bending the truth, but for the most part the things he named did happen .But this thing ,he was talking about was bigger than pranks and scams to get patients treated. I don't think he would lie about it."
"Lucas should be history Cuddy. Are you going to let him cause mischief between us?"
"I'm not trying to do that House. I'm sorry I brought Lucas in as investigator first, and he probably knows way too much about the hospital and way too much about us. Let's take Lucas out of the equation for a minute" she said facing him and looking directly in his eyes Even though things are the same for us at work, they are different between us personally now. I need a different level of honesty, House. I know the situation is difficult because I'm your boss, but if you know something that is such a big threat to the hospital, such a big threat to us and our jobs, how can you not tell me? "
"Perhaps, because I think it's load of cr*p, and he is exaggerating to scare you."
"He named about ten things most of them I knew or found out after the fact to scam your way into getting what you wanted. I know you do this, and I have my spies as you well know, but for the most part it's for the patient it's not for you. I know sometimes you do it to protect me, if I don't know I can't be held accountable but House if it's about something really big, I don't want to be blindsided either."
"Do you trust me Cuddy?" he asked her seriously.
"Yes, but cautiously House, I have to admit that." she said honestly holding his hands knowing that her words could hurt. I do trust you with my heart, but because of our jobs I know you can be defensive sometimes and..." she was suddenly thinking about before Mayfield and how it hurt that he and Wilson had kept his condition from her.
"What are you thinking about, Cuddy?" He asked it with concern, reading her face. "About before you went to Mayfield.", she admitted. "I just thought that if I had just been a friend, even a co-worker you would have told me more about what was going on with you, that Wilson would have told me," she said sadly. "I just don't want work to come between us like that. I don't want you to look at me as the evil administrator who could take your job away."
"Now that madame, is an out an out lie." he said pointing a finger at her and trying to bring a little levity to the situation.
"Yes, she admitted, with a guilty smile, "but you know what I mean, House. If it's something important I would really rather know, before the police takes someone away in hand cuffs."
"I think you should stop worrying. Lucas is trying to cause trouble. I'm trying to be patient with him, It's not so long ago that I don't remember what loosing you feels like, but I'm not promising to always be so nice if he pesters you or threatens us in any way."
Cuddy nodded trying to put her sense of foreboding away. As she grabbed his hand and led him towards the bedroom.
"House, I got a call from the Chairman of the Board. He wants to call a meeting of the ethics committee."
"About what?"asked House.
"About the Dibala case."
"What about the Dibala Case? You had a peer review that went over it with a fine tooth comb? What else is there to know?"
"That's my question to you? I know you weren't fully in charge since you had not gotten your license back, but you were here, they were coming to you for advice. There was something fishy about the case. Foreman was acting weird, in fact he was sweating bullets. He wanted to avoid the peer review at all costs. I even asked him at the time to tell me if they had screwed up something? So, I think this is the thing Lucas was talking about isn't it House?"
"How do I..."
"Deflection ends now House. You have a 10 second warning to tell me what you know. Don't let me go into some ethics meeting blind. I have to ask you now, do you trust me?"
"Yes, Cuddy I do trust you. I just don't necessarily trust what your job requires of you and your allegiance to it. I question on the scales if it's between me and your job. I think I'm going to loose." he said sadly.
"Don't make me choose House. You know I have put my job on the line for you more times than I can count."
"Was that for me personally or your hospital's biggest asset?" he challenged.
"I can't say, it's so wound up together, but I have to honestly say, a lot of it was about you personally. Now I have to ask you a question?
"I don't think this is about you. You're protecting your team, or particular members of your team, and that's admirable. I see how you fight for your patients, and I'm aware, you have done what you believe are good things for your team and I think you would put your own ass on the line to protect them. Strangely enough I think you think of them as your children. It shows me what you would sacrifice for your kids. I can identify with that feeling now since having Rachel. But putting your ass on the line is one thing, putting mine on the line is another. So I have to ask you about that scale, and what if you had to choose between me and your team? Cause right now, it looks like you are choosing your team."
"No Cuddy, I'm not. I'm choosing you. I'm trying to keep your nose clean."
"So there is something? Be in my office in 10 minutes House,no wait cancel that. Meet me in my car."
Cuddy had only been in her car a few minutes when House tapped on the window with his cane and she let him in.
"Funny, last time we were here, in the middle of the day, it was for some fun."
"That's not the case today , House. I need to know everything you know about the Dibala case, and I do mean everything?"
House looked at her painfully, he didn't expect this very new relationship to be so severely tested so soon.
"Okay, but I have to warn you, if I catch Lucas in a dark alley any time soon. Only two of us are coming out. Me and little, little Greg." he said.
"House, she said. How bad is it?"
"Bad, he said suddenly on a released breath. It's Chase, Cuddy. He could be accused of murder. Or worse. I have to tell you. I told him to leave the country this morning after I talked to you."
"What?' she said in shock her face going as pale as milk. Whatever she had expected it was not something as serious as this. She listened as House carefully told her everything he knew, and she could tell from his eyes that he wasn't holding anything back, that it was new to him to expose himself and others in this way and it was costing him. He looked like he had aged ten years since he had gotten in her car."
"My God that explains so much. Cameron leaving him. The drinking."
"Drinking, you've seen Chase drinking?"
"Just one morning I got in early and he was practically passed out in your conference room, I could smell the alcohol. He is going to implode House, and if he runs to another country he will be alone."
"What choice does he have?" He is not a U.S. Citizen yet, perhaps he will go home. I did not ask him where he would go. I thought it was safer if I didn't know."
"What about Foreman, he could be charged too, accessory, or worse. And you too, House, it could be conspiracy assassination. The FBI and who the hell knows who else could be called in. House saw her trying to process and she was looking like she was going to pass out as she processed the ramifications of how big it could get.
"Dear God, House." What are we going to do?"
"You are going to go to the Chairman of the Board and see what he has, it could not be as bad as we think and I am going to pay Lucas a visit to see what he knows and what he did."
" Let's meet back here in in two hours. House, be careful. We don't need more problems. Don't provoke Lucas and don't hurt him either."
"I know, one potential murder charge is enough." he joked, smiling with gallows humor, as he left the car.
Later that afternoon***
House and Cuddy approached her car from opposite ends of the parking garage. Both of their faces a study in controlled panic and when the reached each other, even before they got in the car they stood mere inches apart, and each of them whispered one word, speaking at the same time.
"Everything," Cuddy rasped.
"Nothing",House whispered at the same time. Cuddy unlocked the door and they slid into the front seat before, letting the explanations begin.
"Lucas, has left. He has sublet his apartment and all his things are gone. That pretty much blows your theory that it wasn't him. Whatever Hoffman knows it's what Lucas delivered to him. So what does Hoffman know?"
"He wasn't showing his whole hand, but I got the impression he knows almost everything. He was livid. I think I have lost my job. I know that sounds selfish when there's more at stake than that", Cuddy moaned.
"No,it doesn't sound selfish. Your job is important to you," he said pulling her into his arms while they held each other like children.
"Do you think we should hire lawyers?" she said.
"No, I think it's too soon. We'd have to explain to the lawyers, By the way Chase is gone, he left his resignation on my desk. So the hearing is tomorrow?
"Yes, Cuddy," answered.
The day of the hearing Cuddy and House decided they should enter the conference room separately. They were shocked to see nine other people in the room, most of whom they knew. The most surprising were Chase, Cameron, and Lucas, and Foreman. Hoffman, the PPTH Board Chairman was also there and four other men in dark suits that neither of them knew. Cuddy did not see any other members of the Executive Ethics Board of PPTH. Neither was it ran like a regular board meeting. Hoffman waited until everyone was seated and then introduced the three strangers, as Emanuel Kant, Brian Hegeland, Peter Von Clausewitz. The first two were FBI, one was from the U.N and the last was some acronym she had never heard before, but it was obvious it was government intelligence of some kind.
Cuddy felt as if she had lost her breath. House was had a very strange expression on his face one of disbelief.
Hoffman started detailing what he knew. That a foreign dignitary had been brought to PPTH that they had agreed to care for him and were bound by the medical ethics and the Hippocratic Oath to do so yet some people in the room had failed to adhere to that oath.
"Dr. Chase what was your thinking when you chose to misrepresent the results of a blood test so President Dibala would be treated for the wrong disease and meet an untimely death?"
"I'm going to plead the fifth, since I don't have a lawyer present," Chase said with amazing calm.
"Well, we are not here to get you to admit to anything since we know the basic facts of what happened. We are here to debate the morality of your actions. We'd like to advise you Dr. Chase, and in fact all of you, that this is not a court of law, and due to the presence of the U.N Situation Center Information and Research Unit, that you can consider that this room at present is not even a part of the United States so U.S. Laws and due process do not apply."
"What?" Chase, House and Cuddy answered simultaneously.
"This is highly irregular," Hoffman insisted. We will not be bamboozled here. Even if U.S. Law does not apply international law does."
"I do believe Dr. Chase, you were acting according to the doctrine of international law which supports that it is wrong to allow the slaughter of 100,000 relatively innocent soldiers or civilians if the underlying aggression can be brought to an end by the elimination of on guilty individual," said Clausewitz
"But there's a danger in that, no matter what Dibala shared with you, you can't predict the future. You don't know when a another assassin was coming. I believe Dibala was beset by them on a weekly basis, plus most of the people around him would have been happy to let any one of them succeed. Is it perhaps because you stopped an assassination that you felt as if you owed the world to set fate to rights?"
"I reject that contention Mr. Moore, as I find it much too utilitarian, openly assassinating a leader may lead to him becoming a martyr. The vacuum that it creates may be a catalyst to yet a new leader, that would seek to avenge this illegitimate, overthrow, by dedicating himself to the cause with eve greater frenzy," Gentili claimed. "Look at the assassination of Diem in Vietnam. I know this was before your time Dr. Chase, but this is why we study history, to prevent repeating mistakes, in such impulsive and grave lapses in judgment."
Well, I also believe Dr. Chase was wrong", said Hoffman. "This is a hospital, with doctors who have sworn to the Hippocratic oath to do no harm. We accepted this man as a patient and you in particular accepted to do the best you could to save his life. I'm sure at any time any of you could have filed a moral objection and refused to work on his case. You didn't, therefore your highest calling was to heal not kill no matter how many lives you felt you were saving in the process. Your kind of reasoning Dr. Chase is what produces terrorists. If you wanted to commit assassination you should have waited until he left the premises to do so in these circumstance was nothing short of ..."
"Treachery, perfidious treachery, it's like shooting someone in the back, and you sir are not a soldier." Hugh Grotius proclaimed.
"It's a good thing, said the one man at the table who had not been introduced. That you are not responsible for Dibala's death."
"What?" exclaimed Chase, in amazement.
"No Dr. Chase, but I will point out, not for lack of trying. No, during the autopsy, President Dibala was found to be a victim neither of Scleroderma not Blastimitcosis. President Dibala succumbed to a cocktail of blood born illnesses. The woman who provided him with blood while he was at your hospital, succumbed to the same illnesses a week after Dibala."
"But we tested her," Cameron exclaimed. "Her blood only had antibodies for Lassa, nothing else."
"Quite simply this woman was an identical twin. Her sister made the sacrifice for her family and her people and became a human bomb."
"What diseases?" asked House curiously.
"I do not know the whole list Dr. House but there were several lethal blood born diseases, including HIV."
"This is incredible, damn unbelievable, I can't be hallucinating... I can't be! I must be dreaming, and suddenly he opened his eyes in a dark room and Cuddy was bending over him."
"House, House, you're having a nightmare. Are you okay?"
House sat up and turned on the light looking at her wild eyed.
"Yes, I had a nightmare", he admitted almost sheepishly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked gently. Looking at him with concern."
"No he said abruptly. Not, right now. Go back to sleep. I'll be okay", he found himself reassuring her.
House lay back down in the darkness staring at the ceiling. 'Now what?'
###########