Responsibility

by hoproman

John and Aeryn both come to realize that their actions have consequences, or what's the deal with that whole Larraq thing anyway?

"Responsibility" - By Hoproman Rated PG-13 | 35KB | Archived 03.16.00 Spoilers: Yes, parts of S1 through "Nerve". Summary: This is my second Farscape fanfic. John and Aeryn both come to realize that their actions have consequences, or what's the deal with that whole Larraq thing anyway? Set between "A Bug's Life" and "Nerve" episodes aboard Moya. Comments and feedback are welcome. Disclaimers: Farscape belongs to Jim Henson Productions & The Sci-Fi Channel, etc. I've checked the characters out of the Farscape library. Don't worry I'll return them on time. Archiving: Yes. If you want it, it's yours - just keep my name and e-mail address with it. And if you'd let me know where it is, I'd like to visit. :-)) Part 1 "Johnny, you're hiding something from me aren't you? Jack continues eating dinner while a young John Crichton starts playing with his food. "Did you break Mrs. Abernathy's window again?" John says with a defeated tone, "Sorry Dad. Yes, I broke it." "Son, you have to learn that your actions have consequences. If you make a mess of things then *you* are responsible for cleaning it up. What are you going to do to make it up to Mrs. Abernathy?" "Go over and apologize to Mrs. Abernathy and pay to replace the broken window." Rats. He always knows. How does the man *always* know? There goes my allowance.... Jack grins and produces a baseball from under his napkin and puts it on the table in front of John. "Ran into Mrs. Abernathy on my way home today." John eyes the baseball and his head droops. He stares down at his plate and starts eating dinner again. *** In Moya's Medical Bay. *** Aeryn wakes up and realizes she's still in the medical bay. The lights are turned down. She looks over and finds John sleeping restlessly on a cot next to her. She smiles inwardly and thinks, "I'm glad he's still here." She turns away from him only to quickly turn back as she hears John mumble, "...Dad...Yes, I...." He's dreaming about his father. I wonder what it would be like to actually meet his father. What it would have been like to know my parents. I met my mother once. My dad, I only know his name... wait... why do I want to know my parents? I never wanted to know my parents before I met Crichton. Damn it. Damn Crichton! He's still having an effect on me even while he's sleeping. Aeryn looks over at John, a strange look in her eyes. Crichton, what are you doing to me? Sometime later she falls back to sleep. ******************** A slightly older John Crichton says, "Dad, I got into some trouble in school today. I got into a fight." John is holding a raw steak over a very black eye and has a swollen lower lip. "Johnny, you know how I feel about fighting, about violence. You can't go through your life thinking that violence is the solution to your problems. In the end it solves nothing and someone ends up holding a raw steak on their face." Jack sees a small grin form on John's face. "You can fight if you have to, but it should be your last resort. Just don't let anyone bait you into a fight son." John looks at Dad and says, "I'll try Dad. It's just... not that easy sometimes. I'll try harder." Jack says, "That's my boy. Now here let me have a look at your eye...." ******************** Aeryn lies awake on her bed in the medical bay. It is later in the night. What did Zhaan give me? Pain killers, darn bloody pain killers! I never could get used to taking pain killers - they always mess up my normal sleep cycle. Aeryn starts thinking about the events that recently transpired leading up to Larraq, no the virus stabbing her - almost fatally. What did I do? You went and completely fell for Captain Larraq - that's what you did. You chose Larraq over John. And to add insult to injury you *blatantly* rubbed John's face in it. Did you ever stop to think about how you were hurting John? Did you really like Larraq or were you just trying to hurt John? You and John had a good thing going on between you. Almost a full cycle of friendsh... No! Admit that your feelings for John are not sisterly, not innocent by any means. You had almost a full cycle of relationship building between you. One day was all it took. In one day you obliterated it. You threw it all away without even thinking about it - you were too preoccupied with your vain Larraq fantasy. You did it even knowing that you could never go with Larraq, never be with him. You'd be found out for the traitor you are and executed. Just the thought of temporarily being able to get your old life back was all it took.... ******************** An even older John Crichton says, "Dad?" Jack Crichton looks over at John. John blurts out, "Dad something bad... really bad happened. It's my fault. I'm responsible." Jack says, "What happened son?" "Dad, a friend of mine, Aeryn, Larraq stabbed her. I almost got her killed." John's eyes are full of tears. "I ruined her life. She's here because of me and I almost get her killed." He starts weeping. Jack puts his hand on John's shoulder. With kindness and understanding he says, "Almost, but she's okay now?" John shakes his head yes. "Son, could you have done anything differently?" "I don't know. I don't think I could live with myself if she died because of me. I can't let that happen. I won't ever let that happen. Part of me would die with her...." ******************** Aeryn looks over at John as he mumbles, "... can't... won't..." Aeryn painfully reviews her recent behavior. I didn't act like Crichton was the captain. The other PeaceKeepers saw my behavior, my complete lack of respect for my captain, for Crichton. I couldn't admit that John played the part to perfection. I couldn't admit that he was *that* good. I still can't give *him* that much credit.... I yelled at John and belittled him like I always do. John, the only man who's ever been truly kind to me. He's *always* nice to me. He is the only true friend I've ever had. Why did I yell at him? Because he did something wrong? Because I could have done better? Because I was frustrated? Or was it because I wanted to be with Larraq and Crichton had gotten in the way? You did it because Crichton irreversibly contaminated you. He caused your downfall and you've never forgiven him for it. You lost your old life because of Crichton and therefore you could never be with Captain Larraq. So you took it out on John. Aeryn dozes off to sleep again. ******************** John says, "Dad, that's not the worst part." Jack looks John in the eyes. "Today I um... I killed two people. I killed the first one while I was infected with an intellant virus. I didn't even know I did it until I saw her blood and brains splattered on my clothes. I still can't believe I did it. I killed the second one because I had to. He was infected with the virus, it had to be stopped." Jack puts his arm around John's back and continues listening. "Dad I'm scared. White-hot rage consumed me. I couldn't control myself. I think a part of me *enjoyed* killing Larraq. I don't know if it's because he hurt Aeryn or because I was afraid he was stealing her away from me... and now I'm afraid she hates me for having killed him. Dad I don't want her to hate me...." Jack says, "Son this friend, this woman Aeryn - she means that much to you?..." ******************** John took your abuse like he always does. And John saw, he knew what was happening. You could see in his eyes that he was upset about it, hurt by it, hurt by you. You suspect you know how John feels about you. He's given you some fairly blatant signals. And what did you do? You just kept it up. You pushed the knife in deeper and twisted it. Why? While it is true that John promised he'd never leave you, how much abuse do you expect him to take from you? How much more can he take before he gets fed up? Do you remember when Crichton left Moya in anger? Remember how Moya suddenly starburst and inadvertently abandoned him? You're feeling guilty and upset because you are afraid, terribly afraid that you may have already pushed him too far. He might not come back to you this time.... And what then? Someday John will find his way home or at the very least find another woman who can appreciate him, a woman to replace *you*. You see how Chiana keeps flirting with and hitting on John. What if John gets frustrated enough with you and someday gives in to *her*? What if John winds up with Chiana? Could you accept that? Either way you will be left alone on Moya with a bunch of alien friends, if you can call them that. And even they will someday find their respective ways home. Then you will be all by yourself... truly alone. ******************** It is morning. John is sitting with his legs folded up, his elbows resting on his knees with his hands holding up his face. He is lost deep in thought.... I guess I was wrong. I thought Aeryn liked me, at least a little bit. I only thought she didn't know how to express her feelings. When I told her that Larraq was dead. I saw her reaction. It really bothered her. She *knows* I killed him. I wonder if she hates me now... Why does it bug me so much? When I saw her with Larraq, when I saw how they were responding to each other, how she was responding to *him*.... Why does it hurt so much? "John lighten up. Come on this is not the end of the world. You've had other girlfriends before. You've been through relationship break-ups before. Remember Alex?" DK looks at John with a questioning expression. "DK we are not talking about Alex this time. Aeryn is different." DK says, "Why? Why is she so different? Did she make an exclusive commitment to you, any commitment to you at all? Did the two of you make a commitment to each other? No - no on all counts. You've never had the courage to let her know how you feel about her - even now you can't. You don't even know how she feels about you. She doesn't belong to you, you know." "But I thought... I hoped... that she might love me." DK says, "You never know. Perhaps someday she will. John I do know that you have to be open, have to take the chance that you'll be hurt, that you'll feel as you do right now. Because if you don't, if you close yourself off to her then you will never let Aeryn get close enough to you for her to figure out how she feels about you. You know, given her military background, that it's hard for her to figure out her feelings. In some ways she reminds me of your Dad...." ******************** Part 2 -- Conclusion. Aeryn says, "John... Hey John...." He's looking right at me but he doesn't see me. Aeryn says much more loudly, "HEY JOHN!" John snaps out of his train of thought and glances at Aeryn without making eye contact. "Huh, what? What do you need?" "John can you get me a glass of water?" "Yeah sure." He gets her the drink and then checks to make sure the dressing on her wound is clean. He sits back down on the cot. "Thanks." Aeryn sees that John looks like he's been crying. She softly says, "Where were you just now? What were you thinking about?" John now makes eye contact with Aeryn. For a microt Aeryn sees anguish, pain, and hurt in his eyes. His game face almost instantly pops into place. His eyes, his emotions unreadable. John quickly breaks eye contact and says, "Uh... um nothing. Nowhere." Maybe he's fixated on Hassan. With an honest and open look on her face Aeryn says, "John it's not your fault. You didn't kill Hassan." Come on, talk to me John. Please. Why do I desperately want him to talk to me? John to himself. Yeah I didn't kill Hassan, that's why I was covered with her blood. What about Larraq? John tries to construct a wall around his feelings for Aeryn telling himself not to go there. He sarcastically says, "Yeah I know. Maybe I didn't kill Hassan, but I sure killed Larraq." Do you blame me for killing *him*? Do you hate me for killing *him*? Aeryn starts to feel uncomfortable. I know there's something going on here. Something I'm missing. He's never shut me out like this before. Lying back down she turns to look up at the ceiling. Okay I deserve this after how I treated him. John please don't leave me. Don't abandon me. I want it back the way it was between us. Oh God what have I done? John looks over at Aeryn thinking, "You do hate me now don't you?" I need to get out of here. I need time alone to figure this out. I know I promised her I would stay here but it's been a full day now since she regained consciousness. How am I going to do this without going back on my word and without hurting her feelings? As if reading his thoughts D'Argo calls on the comm-link, "Crichton?" John says, "What's up D'Argo?" "Pilot has a given me a list of pregnancy related maintenance chores that need to be done for Moya. I know you promised you'd stay but I need you and your tech skills to get these chores completed. I've asked Zhaan go do down and check on Aeryn." John says, "D'Argo, give me a minute." John gets up, walks over to Aeryn and takes her left hand. He looks at Aeryn and says, "I won't go if you don't want me to." Aeryn thinks with a glimmer of hope, "This is the old John - always kind and considerate. But Moya's baby - I can't be selfish." She says, "I don't want you to go but Moya and her baby need you John." John gazes at her for a minute his expression still unreadable. He activates his comm-link and says, "D'Argo I'll be there in a few minutes." He turns to start walking out of the medical bay but pauses when he hears Aeryn's hoarse voice barely a whisper, "John... will you stop by to see me later?" She gives him a pleading look. John looks back at Aeryn. Her eyes tug at his heart strings. He says, "Yes. Yes, I will come to see you later." *** Later That Day. *** John and D'Argo have been working on the maintenance chores for the last three arns. John finds the maintenance tasks for Moya to be a welcome distraction. I used to think Earth women were confusing - you boys back home don't know how easy you've got it. Try Sebacean women. Try an ex-PeaceKeeper. Now they're confusing. D'Argo is amazed at how long Crichton has been silent - three full arns now. Hess! Enough, I can't take it anymore. D'Argo says, "Crichton under normal conditions you can barely stay silent for 100 microts. So do me the courtesy and explain how *you* can be silent for three arns?" "Hey big guy, you're always complaining about how much noise I make all the time. So I thought I'd try to make you *happy* for a change." A Monty Python like image pops into John's head, "And now for something completely different, a happy Luxan Warrior." John chuckles. Taking his usual subtle approach D'Argo says, "Crichton I know what's bugging you. Larraq right?" Seeing John's reaction to that name D'Argo continues, "I can tell that you like Aeryn. Fight for her. Tell her how you feel. Show her how you feel. She's a PeaceKeeper remember? She's not supposed to have feelings, she was trained not to have them. And even if she can admit that she has feelings, she's not supposed to get involved with non-Sebacean males." D'Argo pauses. Seeing that he now has John's full attention, D'Argo continues before giving John a chance to speak, "You may not fully appreciate this, but Aeryn is fighting a battle, a war internally over her feelings for you. She has been for some time now. I can tell. You have to step up John. Show her you mean business. Show Aeryn that you won't give up on her, that you won't let her go without a fight. A real knock-down, throw-down, no holds barred, take no prisoners Luxan style fight. You may lose a battle or two, but I have a feeling that you can win the war. Crichton, trust me on this...." *** Several Arns Later. *** John walks into the medical bay and says, "Hi honey, I'm home and I brought dinner - your favorite green food cubes." Aeryn gives Crichton her what-more-Human-nonsense look. She thinks, "I am not a 'honey', a sweet thing." Ignoring the 'honey' comment she says, "John if I don't get out of this bed soon I think my head's going to explode." John puts the food down on the nearby table. He walks over to Aeryn and starts examining her head very intently. He feels her forehead, taps her skull, listens for ticking. John says, "Nah, I don't think it'll blow." Aeryn growls. "You sure you feel good enough to get out of bed?" She looks at him. He says, "Okay," and helps Aeryn get out of bed. John puts Aeryn's left arm across his shoulders. With Aeryn leaning on him for support, he helps her walk over to the table. He then helps ease her into a sitting position in a chair. John sets the table, breaks out the food cubes and sets up two glasses. With a playful look he says, "I managed to smuggle a little something extra out of the galley tonight." Aeryn takes the bait. She says, "Hmm, wait... I've got it. Hynerian marjols? No? Fellip nectar?" She cracks a small smile as John produces a bottle. John sits down across from Aeryn and they start eating. They make some small talk. Aeryn asks about Moya's pregnancy, Moya's baby, and the maintenance tasks. The conversation does not flow freely like it used to and they quickly run out of small things to talk about. Aeryn realizes that John looks distracted. I'm actually starting to understand some of his expressions and emotions. Let's see... how does John get me to talk to him when I don't want to talk? Right, got it. Aeryn says, "Hey." John looks up from his plate and instinctively says, "Hey," without thinking about it. Aeryn smiles inwardly as she thinks, "He fell for it - I've got him." Aeryn touches John's chin and raises it so that he's looking straight at her. She gives him a look that says, "I gotcha," and very deliberately says, "Hey." John furrows his brow as he thinks, "What sauciness, what audacity. Boy I sure walked right into that one. Trapped by my own game. Aeryn you crafty little devil. You're a fast learner. Note to self: do not underestimate Aeryn's intelligence." Take the straight forward approach, just be honest and direct. John says, "Aeryn you've killed people before haven't you?" Aeryn shrugs and says, "Yes, it was part of the training. As a PeaceKeeper I did my share of killing." Well, perhaps more than my share of the killing. John replies, "I never did before. While I don't remember killing Hassan, I do remember killing Larraq... and I don't feel good about either one." John pauses and looks at Aeryn trying to judge how she's responding to what he just said. John continues, "Aeryn speaking of Larraq um... you and Larraq. When I saw the way you um swallow... 'clicked' with Larraq. I was jealous, hurt, angry. I know we haven't made any commitment to each other and I know you don't belong to me. But I... I have to admit that I want to be more than just your *friend*." A lot more than your friend if I could only get up the courage to tell you.... A part of Aeryn's mind thinks with glee, "He was jealous!" Wait... is he saying he wants to make a commitment to me? Am I ready to make a commitment to him? I don't know.... John goes on, "I saw how you reacted when I told you Larraq was dead. You know I killed him. It makes me think you hate me now." Aeryn sees the pain in his eyes as John breaks eye contact. Aeryn reaches over and caresses John's face. Look at me. She says, "John look at me. I could never hate you. I do not hate you John." "Actually quite the opposite of hate," snickers a treacherous voice in the back of her mind. Ignoring that voice Aeryn continues, "In spite of myself... despite my resisting it - I do *like* you John." Aeryn's cheeks blush. John looks Aeryn in the eyes. Despite his jealously, his fears about Larraq, and his fears of being hurt, his heart, body, mind, and soul all simultaneously scream, "Yes. Yes! YES! She is the one." With that one deep look into her eyes the wall he was trying to build around his feelings for her crumbles to dust and disappears. John reaches up and tenderly holds Aeryn's hand against his cheek and closes his eyes. They sit there for a long moment enjoying the physical touch. John softly breaks the silence and says, "Aeryn I've got a surprise for you. I thought you might be going a little stir crazy..." Aeryn gives John a variation on her what-more-Human-nonsense look. "Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder? Never mind, I'll tell you about the movie Stir Crazy in a minute. I'll be right back." Aeryn says, "John?" John comes back with a makeshift wheel chair and says, "Aeryn I'm kidnapping you." John grins mischievously at her. Aeryn smiles and says, "Where are we going Butch?" "Sundance, that is a surprise." John produces a blindfold and says, "You'll have to wear this blindfold." "What?" John says, "Don't worry Sundance." He helps Aeryn get into the wheel chair. As he puts the blindfold on her he says, "Trust me - you'll like where we're going...." ******************** At Zhaan's request, Pilot sends a DRD to check on the missing Aeryn Sun. The DRD finds John and Aeryn in one of the unused crew's quarters. The DRD transmits an image back to Pilot. Pilot sees Aeryn sitting in front of a small stage sitting atop a table. John is standing behind the stage playing with some small figures. John puts on a little puppet show for Aeryn. He starts with a scene in the galley. He has puppets for Zhaan, D'Argo, Rygel, Aeryn and himself. Using the John puppet he says in a high pitched voice, "What just happened here?" The John puppet turns to look at the Rygel puppet and says, "You fart helium?..." Pilot observes that Aeryn is giggling and otherwise enjoying herself. Pilot is happy to note that Aeryn seems to be recovering from her injury. He sends the DRD on to another task. Pilot calls Zhaan on her comm-link and says, "Zhaan I've found Aeryn. I don't think there is any cause for concern. She is with Crichton...." *** A Few Solar Days Later. *** Aeryn is working out in the physical training area. John walks in and sees Aeryn working out. He says, "Here you are. You sure you should be exercising?" Aeryn replies, "Why not?" "Well cause a little while ago a commando skewered you with his Swiss PeaceKeeper army knife." "The muscles are completely healed. Do you want something?" "Yeah. Your comms on the blink? We called you three times for dinner." "Not hungry." "No? Well next time answer, it's kind of rude not to reply." Aeryn, still pounding on the training dummy, yells, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" She continues working out. "Yeah, sure... as soon as you tell me what *the problem* is." Aeryn pauses from her workout and vomits up blood onto the training dummy. John incredulously looks at the blood and says, "Hell Aeryn. What is that?" Aeryn turns to try and leave the room. John grabs Aeryn's left arm and she takes a wild swing at him with her right. John easily ducks her right hand and Aeryn falls back onto the mat. John touches her arms and her forehead and says, "You're ice cold. All-right knock off the completely healed crap and talk to me." John helps Aeryn sit up and says, "Better yet we'll talk to Zhaan, the closest thing we've got to a doctor." Aeryn looks John straight in the eyes and says, "No don't summon the others. Just let me get to my Prowler." John's eyes lock with Aeryn's. "Your Prowler? What, you gonna go for a drive? Last time I heard we aren't in Prowler r...." John sees something in her eyes that makes him physically recoil away from her. "No. You are not gonna die." Aeryn matter of factly says, "Didn't lie to you. My muscles are healed. But that knife must have pierced my paraphoral nerve. And once that is damaged it doesn't regenerate. So within fifty or sixty arns it's going to fail and I *am* going to die. There's nothing you can do about it." John shakes his head no, refusing to accept this. He says with conviction, "There's something we can do." "The only treatment is a tissue graft from a genetically compatible donor." "Fine. We'll find someone. We got... what two or three days?" "At best and we're nowhere near a Sebacean colony." Aeryn gets up and tries to leave again, but John doesn't let go of her arms. John's thoughts are racing at escape velocity... ******************** John hears his Dad's voice, "Son, *you* are responsible for this woman. She is going to die because of *you*. What are you going to do about it? Do you have the courage to do whatever it takes to save her?" "I don't know Dad. I'm not that brave, I'm usually scared most of the time." Jack says, "Son Superman's not brave. He's bulletproof, indestructible. The only thing that can hurt him is cryptonite. Normal people, regular people who are vulnerable, who take the chance of being hurt, they are the truly brave ones. They are scared but they don't let the fear control them, don't let it stop them from doing what has to be done." "Son, we've had this talk before. There comes a time in every man's life when he has to ask and answer the question, 'Who am I?' Who are you John?" "I know who I am Dad... I know who I am." He hears the reply in his mind, "Son, I'm very proud of you." John throws together a crazy, no make that insane plan in his mind. ******************** John says to Aeryn, "But we are near a PeaceKeeper base. Less than twenty arns and those commandos were kind enough to leave the address." Don't know how I'm going to do this. Don't know how I'm going to pull this off. But I have to try. I have to succeed. It's my fault, I'm responsible. I have to do it. I *won't* let you die. John reaches up with his left hand and touches the side of Aeryn's face. He gently caresses her check with his thumb in a way that says, "I love you." *** Later on the Command Deck. *** Rygel says to John, "You're not just fahrbot, you're magra-fahrbot...." *** Slightly Less Than Twenty Arns Later. *** Aeryn kneels on the floor, leaning against the wall in her quarters. She is coughing and retching. John walks up and stands in the doorway to her quarters. He is dressed in a PeaceKeeper Captain's uniform. Aeryn looks over her shoulder and sees John. She's been crying. With tears in her eyes she says, "This mission is foolhardy Crichton. It makes no sense for you to be killed as well. Let's just cut our losses." Aeryn thinks, "Damn you, damn you, damn you to Hezmana. You're always doing this to me. I don't want anything from you and you're always willing to freely give of yourself, giving more than I want to take. More than I can ever possibly share with you in return." John says, "Drop the martyr routine Aeryn. I'm not gonna let you die." I can't be responsible for your death. I couldn't live with that. I can't live without *you*.... Aeryn thinks, "How can you do this for me after the way I behaved with Larraq? After the way I hurt you. I don't deserve this Crichton. I can't ask you to do this for me. I can't let you do this for me. Don't do this for me. How am I ever going to be able to pay you back for this? What if you die trying to save me?" Pilot interrupts and says, "Crichton we have reached the designated coordinates." John says, "Thank you Pilot." Aeryn says, "Do humans have some sort of ritual for occasions like these?" Why are you doing this for me? Why? John enters her quarters, walks over to her and says, "Well there's the handshake... followed by 'good luck'." John extends his right hand to her. Aeryn grasps his hand and pulls herself up. Aeryn says, "Good luck.... How was that?" John replies, "Perfect." Aeryn you are perfect. Mirabile visu. Someday soon I have to tell you how I feel about you. Have to tell you that I love you Aeryn Sun. They stand together for a moment holding hands. Aeryn swallows hard looking at John thinking, "I can't let you throw away your life John. Not for me." Aeryn swallows hard again as she watches Crichton walk out of her quarters. Don't do this to me Crichton. Damn you, damn you, damn you.... What are you doing to me John? Finis ******************** You are invited to send comments and/or feedback to the author at: the_hopeful_romantic@yahoo.com. Hope you enjoyed the ride :-))