Jo felt Alex's heavy body on top of hers, felt all his muscles tense and relax, savored the feeling of clenching her own muscles around him, having pulled her leg up and squeezing him. She sensed how the sheets shifted slightly and their naked legs touched, giving her goose bumps. She enjoyed the unbelievable comfort she felt having Alex hover above her, enclosing her with his muscular arms, kissing her feverishly. Jo sighed into the kiss, savoring the feel of his lips, the touch of his tongue on hers, the intensity of it, the deep longing they carried, and ran her fingers up Alex's neck into his hairline, scratching him pleasurably. Now that she focused on the kiss, she realized there was something missing, though. Something crucial to her, something that made her insides cringe a tiny bit, something that made her pull him even closer.
"Alex," she whispered between kisses. He just grunted. "Relax," she ordered.
"I am," he just answered defensively, going over to kissing Jo's neck and cleavage softly.
"You're not. What are you thinking about?"Alex sighed, irritated.
"What makes you think I'm thinking about something other than this?" Jo rolled her eyes and pulled her boyfriend up to talk to him on eye level.
"There's a difference," she told him matter-of-factly, "There's a difference between you kissing me and thinking about kissing me and you kissing me and at the same time thinking about something very else. You're not doing it with the same… passion," she whispered. Alex looked at her for a second, rolling his eyes, and swooping down to kiss her again, this time, taking her by surprise, eliciting a slow moan from her lips. Jo could barely think anymore, letting Alex's body and lips seduce her completely, letting him take over, not even caring about what he was doing to her. She could feel him wrestle the sheets away but at the same time she had no idea how in the world they ended up all entangled, she could sense him holding her closer, hugging her to him, but she couldn't comprehend how one minute she was lying underneath Alex and the next she was on top of him, but really, she didn't care. The way Alex looked at her made her shudder, the way he touched her gave her internal cramps of pure pleasure, the way he talked to her with his raspy deep voice, feeling his hot breath on her ear, hearing him slow with the increased need for oxygen, it made her feel like she could never ever think straight again. She felt so safe, so right, and Alex himself knew how to drive her crazy. When she felt Alex's hardness intrude her, she groaned in relief, biting her lip and throwing her head back, starting to move rhythmically on top of him. Bliss, pure bliss. Their bodies knew how to work together, their minds shutting down nearing their orgasmic release.
After spending themselves generously, they lay together, Jo resting her head on top of Alex's frantic heartbeat, his arms rigidly around her, his breath like a hot summer day's breeze on her head, making her hair fly down to her forehead, tickling her. Jo closed her eyes, listening to the steadying beat underneath her ear, her body and mind melting into Alex. They lay like that for a while before Alex started rustling with the sheets, carefully trying to move Jo to lie on the pillow instead, falsely thinking she was asleep.
"What are you doing?" Jo breathed out in a whisper, clinging to his chest.
"Gotta relieve myself," he just replied, moving out of her embrace and getting up. Jo looked after him dreamily, smiling about their encounter. When Alex stepped back into the bedroom and walked over, he looked at his cell phone and then climbed into the bed, getting comfortable to go to sleep.
"Come here," Jo reached out for him, brushing her fingertips down his back. Alex grunted, making her scrunch up her face. "You okay?" There was silence in between them before Alex turned around and looked at Jo soberly. When he didn't elaborate, Jo gave him a small, insecure smile, placing her fingers at the crook of his neck. Alex reached up to hold her hand and kissed it. He sighed.
"You don't pause me," he said in a quiet voice, looking down at their hands.
"What?" Jo was half surprised and half feeling irritated about Alex's sudden exclamation.
"You don't get to pause me," Alex repeated. There was silence between them in which Jo tried to shape an opinion. She looked at him cautiously, her eyes narrowed, not seeming to catch the drift of disagreement between them.
"Um," she started, shakily, laughing insecurely. "You're kidding, right?" At this, Alex looked up at her, his face turning angry. He shook his head. "Alex…," Jo started, taking a deep breath, pulling her eyebrows together.
"It's disrespectful," Alex stated, looking down again. Jo chuckled.
"It's disrespectful? Alex," she chuckled further. "Seriously… don't," she told him.
"Why the hell are you laughing? It's not funny…," Alex blew up the tiniest bit.
"It's vastly funny, Alex….," Jo said, sobering up, though. "Seriously, Alex, you've been pausing me for the better part of the last couple of months," she said, making him shake his head.
"That's not true," he replied.
"Um, duh. You've been pausing our relationship like…every night since Yang moved out," she tried to make a point.
"You're talking bullshit. When did I pause our relationship?"
"Every time Grey needed something, came here to talk, threw me out of bed, every time one of your friends needed anything really… don't you even see that? Every time you did something for them, you paused me…," Jo listed, curious about his reaction.
"One, I did not pause you. Two, I never paused you during sex, Jo, there's a difference. I never paused you when we were together… as in doing something together…," he mused.
"Oh baby, you have got to check your record…," Jo came back, having heard enough. "There's hardly time for us to do anything anymore, I mean together, as in a couple… some alone time. I can't remember the last time we arranged time together and it wasn't intruded. And then those times we are together, you're distracted and on your phone or thinking about what else Robbins could be in need of… I get it, I do, I know you are a good friend… but do not forget that I'm here, too. I'm always here and I'm always waiting for you to notice me, to wanna spend time with me!"
"You know that's not true. Yes, it's been a lot lately and I know you have your own opinion on how I should deal with my friends' problems but I thought we've talked that through…," Alex came back weakly.
"We've talked. You've told me your take on this. Doesn't mean it made the situation between us any better… I want you to not pause me anymore. Of course you're there for your friends… but can't you do that without pausing me?"
"It's still not the same as you pausing me during sex, though," Alex stated. Jo rolled her eyes.
"We weren't even at it, Alex. What's the big deal about it? It was like… five seconds," she said, questioningly.
"It's a big deal. It was five seconds, five very unnecessary seconds, might I add," Alex bit his lower lip.
"What do you mean, unnecessary?"
"Well, was it so very interesting that your little resident friend was pulled on a case? While we were at it? I mean… you shouldn't have even been… I mean… it makes me feel…," Alex grasped for words that wouldn't come to him. Jo watched him wide-eyed, trying to hide a smile.
"Awww," she let out when he stopped short and blushed.
"Oh, shut up," Alex lashed out, letting go of her hand and turning to face away. Jo chuckled.
"Are you seriously gonna pout now?" she asked, inching closer and running her fingers down his waist, burying her nose in his neck. "Come on, Alex," she pleaded, playfully though.
"It's fine," he barked at her. "We're fine."
"Apparently we're not, though," Jo whispered, snaking her hand around his belly and hugging him. "Come on, talk to me," she kissed his back.
"You think it's funny. I don't see why I should tell you what I think if you're just making fun of me. It's fine, I don't wanna talk about it anymore," he rasped on, typing away on his phone.
"It's not fine with me, Alex. I wanna talk about it. Put down your phone and look at me. I'm sorry, okay, shouldn't have laughed. Just try to explain it to me one more time why this is so much different than you pausing our relationship over and over and over again…," Jo said in soothing words, kissing his neck and cheek. There was silence between them, and Alex sighed. Jo had put her forehead on Alex's shoulder, waiting for the answer patiently. Her fingers were tracing the shape of his chest muscles, finally moving upwards to cup his shoulder and lead him on to make Alex lie on his back, at least halfway facing her. She propped up on her elbow, resting her hand on his chest and looked at him piercingly. "Talk to me, please?"
"It makes me feel like you're… you're…," Alex groaned, putting his hands over his face and rubbing his eyes.
"Just say it," Jo whispered, anxiously now.
"It makes me feel like you're just using me… for… you know..," he started, his eyes flitting across her face, seeing nothing but anticipation and… curiosity. "Sex. It feels like all you care about is the sex," he finished eventually. Jo looked at him, taken aback inwardly, but eyeing up Alex's demeanor.
"Ouch," she said after a bit of breathless thinking. Alex turned his face towards her, studying her. They shared a look of… undefined emotion, both of them never having anticipated the deep conversation they seemed to be establishing at the moment. "That's pretty harsh," Jo trailed away, biting her lower lip. "And I hope you're just saying that cause your ego is hurt and you know that is crazy bull…right?" she added insecurely.
"Is it though?" Alex answered without much emotion.
"Again, that's just… you being dramatic cause you can't get over me pausing you…right?" Jo repeated her question elaborately. Silence followed. Jo scrunched up her face, trying to decipher Alex's face while said one just looked at a spot on the dark opposite wall. "You don't really think that, right?"
"No," Alex answered, much to Jo's relief. "I mean I don't know," he added, making her lungs squeeze tight. "No," he shook his head again. Jo watched him trying to decide on an answer and she could tell that he was being completely genuine with her. He was trying to shape an answer, he was trying to mouth what has been bugging him. It was just one night in bed with her boyfriend, they weren't even fighting, there wasn't anything dramatic going on, but Jo felt her heart breaking. Jo gulped when Alex searched her eyes shyly. "Do you?" Jo rose from her lying position into a sitting one, wrapping the sheets around her, feeling like this was not a conversation they were supposed to have between the sheets, after ravenous lovemaking. The crease on her forehead deepened with worry when she articulated her thoughts.
"Alex," she started, trying to fixate his gaze. "You have to know better than that, seriously," she continued weakly. "I feel silly even telling you that," she whispered. Silence followed again. "You need me to tell you that?" Jo stared at Alex's lying down shape, waiting for a response. After a while he shrugged, still averting his eyes. Jo took Alex's left hand and entwined it with both of hers, kissing it. "I'm not in this because of the sex," she stated. Alex nodded, albeit seemingly absentmindedly. "Alex," Jo's voice grew a little more forceful. "Will you look at me?" At this Alex unwillingly turned his gaze towards her face. "Listen to me, I was just reading a text," she told him, pronouncing every single word. Alex sighed again, biting his own lips.
"Your mind isn't even supposed to realize your phone is…ringing…I mean… while at it… you shouldn't be able to…," he shaped slowly. Jo chuckled slightly, letting her head fall to the side.
"Oh Alex," she sighed.
"It's fine," Alex immediately prompted, sliding his hand out of hers, making her take a deep breath.
"We weren't even at it.. yet… I mean… we weren't… or at least we weren't… come on, we weren't completely in it…," Jo hushed.
"I was," Alex told her sheepishly. Jo sighed, not knowing what to say. Apparently he had really taken offense with the five seconds of pause she had initiated earlier… and as much as she wanted to… she couldn't comprehend. But she so wanted to, she so needed him to see…. She sighed, looking over at her nightstand, fixating her cell phone.
"You know, I got three texts and two images while we were having fun," she smiled at him hesitantly.
"Okay?"
"I… I didn't realize until later…," Jo explained, not sure if that made things any better.
"So that's supposed to make me feel better?"
"Um yes…or… I thought so…," Jo stated.
"It's not," he enlightened her.
"Look, Alex, I'm not even sure what we're talking about…," Jo admitted, making him sigh and rub his face again.
"Me neither," he caved in, making her look up in surprise.
"So, you're just mad because I paused you?" she tried, making him shrug again. "Or… you know… is there anything else… ," she asked him in concern. Alex shrugged again, whereas Jo tried to not blow up on her boyfriend.
"I told Mer you don't pause… ," Alex confessed shyly.
"Okay?"
"Because you know… I… ," Alex sighed. "This whole person thing… it's… it's fine. I told her I'd be her person. I told her Cristina leaving wouldn't take her down… you know? I was the one telling her she'd be fine, she'd… move on… and I… I really meant it, I did," he tried to explain.
"I know you did," Jo agreed.
"But I guess I just don't get it. I don't think I know what I did when telling her I'd be her person… I mean… I wanna be a good friend to her. I wanna help her the best I can," Alex rambled desperately.
"I know, Alex, I know that," she acknowledged his efforts that she had long been observing in him.
"It's just… apparently I really don't get it… while obviously you do…," he admitted in a very low voice. Jo who had been nodding off every statement of his, stopped short and scrunched up her face.
"Wait, what?"
"You get it… you… you pause sex for your friend… I… I don't… I really don't… I'm not ever gonna pause sex with you for my friend… or your friends… or… I mean if something's going on… they can always page me… I'm not pausing sex for a stupid text… so… I guess I don't get it… you do, though," he faltered. Jo looked at him, pondering.
"You're mad because you think pausing is what a good friend does and you don't do it?" Jo was confused.
"No. I'm not mad… I'm just… I wanna be her person, right. I just… I don't… there's boundaries for God's sake! I'm not cutting my life short for her to tell me she had another epiphany! I mean… I'll be there for her… all the time, anytime, for everything… and if you know… there's an emergency… something's up… if she's… I don't know… I probably would pause sex for her… but most of the times she's just lonely and wants to rant about how hard it is to have a job and a husband and kids and whatever… if she were having a medical emergency… oh well… but she just told you she was pulled on that freaking tumor…," Alex explained. There was a break in talking, both of them looking at each other. "It's not that I don't wanna talk to her. I talk to her all the time…," he added, making Jo nod.
"About what?" Jo asked tentatively.
"Well… things," he just said.
"What things? I mean… can't you talk to me about… things?"
"Well… us…sometimes," he elaborated, developing a small blush.
"So's that why she doesn't like me?" Jo challenged him. Alex scrunched up his face and looked at her stunned.
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't she like you?"
"She doesn't and you know it," Jo gave him dismissively.
"That's not true, Jo," he told her soothingly. Jo just sighed.
"So… are you talking crap about me to her?" she raised her left eyebrow. Alex looked irritated now.
"What would I be talking about that's classified as crap?"
"I don't know, you tell me… anything you can't talk to me about apparently…," she sounded exasperated.
"Well yeah, but that doesn't automatically make it crap…," Alex pondered.
"Okay… so… can you try?"
"Try what?"
"Talk to me about it? I mean… it's still me we're talking about, right? Us? And I know, I know," Jo shook her head, "I know, Grey's your friend and all… but she's still my superior… she's my boss. She already looks at me like I'm scum. Every time you talk to her about me… and I'm sure not all of that is lovey dovey she's the best person in the world crap…. You're just feeding her…," Jo voiced her worries.
"Jo, I'm not talking crap about you. Some things… I just… look," Alex made a dramatic pause. "I'm not even sure how to define that person but… you're definitely my person. I need you and I want you to be my person… cause from what I've gathered… I just… from the criteria I've picked up… It's not anybody else's business to be my person other than you," Alex elaborated, making Jo smile momentarily. "It's just… I can't talk to you about everything… anything… I just… there's some things…," he halted.
"Which things, Alex?"
"Things I know you don't wanna talk about," Alex concluded.
"You don't even know that," Jo countered.
"I know that, trust me."
"Can you at least try?" Jo looked at him exasperatedly, clasping his hand again. "Come on, Alex. Just tell me, please. Just… just try to see it from my perspective… it's just… you talk to Meredith Grey about us… and she's already looking down on me…," Jo whispered.
"She's not," Alex immediately defended.
"She doesn't take me for real, Alex. She's… she's… I don't know… sometimes I feel like she sees me as…. As… she thinks I'm just another fling of yours… she doesn't take me for real," Jo stuttered. Alex sighed heavily.
"She's not, trust me," he countered weakly. "She's just preoccupied with her own stuff. She's not judging you the way you think she is. She's not that kind of person," Alex elaborated. They eyed each other for a moment, none of them knowing what they were even discussing. After that, Jo grabbed Alex's arms softly and tried to make him sit up.
"Come here," she asked him quietly. Alex sat up and Jo scooted closer, leaning her forehead against his. "Tell me what's going on with us," she pleaded with him, sincerely. The gesture seemed to melt Alex momentarily.
"It's fine, Jo, really, it is. Nothing's going on, we're fine," he replied, pulling her closer, kissing her temple.
"Apparently we're not, though," she breathed against him, completely worn out.
"I'm scared you'll leave me one day," Alex coughed up finally. Jo had heard him just fine but she couldn't believe her ears. She pulled back from his embrace, looking at him as if he had gone completely haywire.
"What? Why in the world would you think that?" Alex shook his head.
"That sounded so drastic, I didn't even mean it that way…," he tried to mend fences.
"No, Alex, come on, what is this really about?"
"I don't know," Alex averted his eyes again, running his fingers up and down Jo's arms. "I just…you'll lose interest at some point… and you'll… I mean.. .you've always said you can't… you know… commit…," he pointed out. Jo was completely taken aback.
"I never said that," she stated.
"Sure you did," Alex looked up at her.
"No, Alex," Jo shook her head desperately. "I said I can't marry you just yet," she explained. "That's all I ever said."
"Same thing."
"No it's not…," Jo tried to make him see. They were both silent after that. "That's what it is about, isn't it? Me not wanting to marry you just yet? All over again? That's why you say you're scared and you feel used? Cause I didn't say yes to your proposal after we'd been dating for… a couple of months?"
"No…," Alex sounded defeated.
"Yes, it so is."
"No! Jo!" Alex almost yelled. Jo yanked her head back a few inches due to his volume. Alex lowered his voice and continued. "You just… made it clear somehow… that…," he struggled for words. "I mean you've never…I mean…you've never really…it's not about the marriage thing," he ended it awkwardly.
"It'd be a problem if it were…cause that's screwed up, you know…," Jo answered slowly, cupping Alex's chin and moving it up to make him match their eyes, "you not taking our relationship seriously because it's not certified on a piece of stupid paper," she told him.
"Who says I'm not taking our relationship seriously?"
"Well… you've not been acting like it lately…"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you've been distant and well… all the crap that has been happening between Grey and you and me and… well, everything. It's just… sometimes I'm not sure we're the same people anymore. You treat me like a prop…," she faltered.
"Come on, I said I'm sorry about that and I explained…," Alex defended himself.
"Doesn't mean it went away… remember when Yang lived here? You acted like you were still my boyfriend…," she thought about how things had changed for them.
"Jo…," Alex inhaled deeply.
"No, I'm serious," she interrupted him immediately.
"Well… then act like you want me to be your boyfriend…," Alex chucked out without actually meaning to and immediately regretted he said anything.
"What the hell are you talking about? Aren't I doing just that?"Jo looked at him part offended part worried.
"Well… look… it's just… sometimes I think… I mean I guess I…," Alex groaned in frustration. When he felt Jo's hand on his forearm, he looked up at her, insecurely.
"What? What is it? What the hell are we talking about? You keep saying things like you feel like I'm using you and I apparently don't act like wanting to be in this relationship… I don't get it… What is it that makes you think I'm not in this? Cause if it's the… oh-," Jo stopped mid-sentence, seemingly realizing something, her face immediately changing to a frantic one. "God, Alex, no," she pleaded now, scooting closer and cupping his face.
"What?" Alex asked her exasperatedly.
"I think I know what this is about…oh, Alex…," she breathed out, trying to match their eyes. Alex looked down, shaking his head.
"Don't… I mean… I don't want you t-," Alex started, making her shake her head now and put her finger on his lips to shush him. They finally matched eyes and stared at each other for a long moment. Then Jo smiled her heartbreakingly beautiful smile and pecked his lips, softly, running her right thumb across his cheek.
"Alex, you do know that I love you, right?" Jo said the words in a whisper but steadily, he could hear her just fine. She waited for a response but he just averted his eyes. Jo took his chin into her hands and turned his face upwards. "Alex?" her voice was shivering the tiniest bit.
"Sure…," Alex rasped. This broke her heart. She had never wanted this.
"You actually doubted that? You thought I was using you for sex? Using you for what…? Your house? Surgeries? Alex…," Jo bit her lip.
"No, not really," Alex admitted. "It's just…," he tried.
"What about us going through all that crazy shit last year... together? What about... what about me signing a love contract for you? What about me bitching about Meredith and never getting to see you? What about me crying because I'm scared of what's gonna happen when this…, I mean… you know," Jo questioned him quietly. Alex looked up and held her gaze.
"You're scared?"
"Um, hell yeah," Jo chuckled insecurely.
"And that's the reason why you… why you never…. The reason why you keep to yourself that much? Why you won't… I mean… why you are always this… ," they both sighed.
"Yes, Alex, it's not that easy…for me… I never… I've never had this before…I'm scared. It's hard," Jo confessed.
"I know that," Alex told her.
"But you were still scared that I…that I might not be in this? That I might…not love you?" Jo whispered. "You actually feel unloved?" They looked at each other, both struck with their confessions. Alex shrugged. "Come here," Jo begged him, pulling at his arm.
"It's fine, Jo," Alex replied, shaking his head.
"I said, come here," Jo told him more forcefully now. When they landed in each other's embrace, they both let go of a breath they were holding, enjoying the intimate gesture. "No more pause, alright?" Jo whispered. Alex nodded within their hug. "I'm sorry I made you feel unloved, I never… it hurts that you would even think that, I never wanted you to feel like I'm just using you… if I had known that, Alex… I just… I always thought it was about getting married…," she shook her head desperately, feeling her eyes water a bit.
"You didn't," Alex spoke up, hugging her closer. "I just… I overreacted. I didn't really believe… I mean... you are here for me all the time, I know that. I don't feel… unloved… I just… sometimes…," he halted again.
"You need to hear it. You need to hear that I love you," Jo nodded. Alex shrugged.
"I guess, yeah," he admitted, pulling back slowly and looking at her sheepishly. Jo smiled.
"I love you," she told him again. Alex smiled.
"I…know," he answered.
"Well, I'd hope so. I… was scared there for a minute for you thinking I don't…," they smiled at each other. Alex ran his fingers up her arms, cupping her cheeks now, and kissing her softly, deeply.
"Come here," he pulled her down to cuddle against him, brushing away a single stray tear that had sneaked out of Jo's eye. "We're horrible at communicating," he chuckled against the top of her head making her close her eyes and laugh, kissing his chest.
"Yeah, that's pretty obvious now," Jo giggled. They lay in silence for a bit before her thoughts took up a life of their own again. "So… is that the reason why Grey won't take me seriously? I mean… as your girlfriend? Cause you're telling her your worries about me… not taking us seriously either?" She looked up at him curiously. When Alex looked guilty, she laughed. "Oh you big baby," she rolled her eyes but at the same time pulled herself up and closer and kissed him deeply.
"It's been a weird year," Alex commented, breaking the kiss. "Sometimes I just don't know what to think any more… to be completely honest," he explained.
"Well, then please talk to me okay?" Jo breathed against his lips.
"I'll try," Alex smiled at her. "And I'll try to never make you feel like you're second choice again, alright? I know I've maybe been overdoing it a bit.. I just... I just really struggle to be a good friend."
"I know that. And you are, trust me. You are the best friend. You are my best friend. And I'll try, too. Grey's a big part of your life. I'll try to get along with her," Jo concluded, winking at him.
"Okay," Alex pecked her lips again. "So…," Alex brushed his fingers across her waist, playfully touching her and looking back up at Jo's curious face, having pulled her eyebrows up into her hairline. "How about a rewind?" Jo chuckled, stilling Alex's teasing hand on her body, pulling it up her chest, making him squeeze her boob, looking at him deeply. When they wrapped their arms around each other and deepened the kiss, both of them sighed. It sure wasn't easy to be together. But it really was the only thing that made sense. "I love you, Jo," Alex murmured against Jo's lips, making her tug up the corners of her lips.
"Don't doubt us again, please, it hurts," she whispered back, kissing his neck and nibbling at his ear. "We can do this."
"I'm glad we're on the same page about that."