This story is about abortion and its aftermath. If it bothers you, you don't have to read it through.
Just Wanna Hold Her
He croons quietly in her ear as they lay on the bed together, both teary-eyed and worn. They don't know how it came to this, how they've ended up so close together. "Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her, I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of Heaven looking back at me," he sings, his tone rich and melodic.
Santana walked down the hall of Dalton Academy, searching for the sounds of the Warblers' practice songs. A knock on the door and she was in, asking for them to "take her to their leader," and calling them all demeaning names. It was her cover, her defense for everything she wasn't ready for: her feelings for Brittany, for her lesbianism. Apparently it extended to a pregnancy as well. The cocky meerkat himself came out a few minutes later, smirking. She pulled him out into the hall, away from the rest of his group. She leaned on the wall across from him, her posture and expression casual.
"So I'm pregnant," she stated, calm as can be. "Unless Britt's grown a cock and some sperm, it's yours."
The color left his face and the smirk disappeared instantly. "P-pregnant?" he parroted dumbly, crossing the hallway in two short strides, his body close to her own.
"Yeah, are you deaf, twink?" she replied. "What do you wanna do? I'm personally in favor of nipping this thing in the bud." A few moments, afternoons, that was all they had shared. After their duet, which had left them both with an undeniable sexual frustration between the two of them, they had met a few times in untraceable hotel rooms, never going beyond the physical.
"Thar's fine with me," he said, leaning against the wall next to her. "I don't want a kid, I'm only seventeen. Got too much to do still, you know?"
"Ok. I'll split the cost with you, give me the money when you can," she replied before standing straight and walking back to where she came from.
Two weeks later Sebastian has given her the necessary money and she says she's going. He doesn't offer to go with her, and she doesn't ask him to. His mind wanders to her, to their child the entire day. If he seems a little off, none of his friends mention it to him. How is one supposed to act about an abortion? He is relieved, and he is sure she is too, but there is an underlying feeling of shame, guilt.
Santana feels it too. She calls him when the procedure is done, and takes the day off from school to sleep and recover. A wave of relief washes over her; she won't have to lose her reputation, her girlfriend, and the thing with Sebastian can be over forever. She can't see herself ever sleeping with him again, their sexualities should not be allowing it, and he has already proved that he apparently cannot use a condom. She will forget about him, about their afternoons, even about their baby if she can. But she knows in her heart that their baby won't leave her mind. Ever.
Five months later they're halfway through Summer, and it is nearly August. Santana knows she should be thinking of the upcoming summer, bikinis everywhere, specifically on Brittany. Instead her mind dwells on Sebastian, on how she hasn't talked to him in so long. Her hands wander over her phone, over the contact list that will let her contact the Warbler, let him talk to her. She has to talk to someone, she realizes. Brittany has been beside her all summer, thin and beautiful, but Santana is just thinking about how she should be as big as a house by now. She should be seven months pregnant by now. She isn't sure if she regrets aborting their baby, but she knows that something should be different. She can't stop thinking about it, as she feels her fingers press the talk button to call Sebastian.
"Hello?" he answers, his voice tired.
Santana sighs. "Hey, twink."
"What do you want Santana? I thought your Lima Heights ass decided to clear out."
"You know exactly why we haven't talked," she replies, stretching out across her bed. She hears him breathing over the line, but he is silent. Finally, he speaks.
"I know. After everything, it seemed too weird."
"Hey, Sebastian? I miss her," she whispers, finally voicing the cause of her depression.
"Santana, what are you-" he starts, before sucking in a breath, realizing what she is talking about. "It was—We had a daughter?"
She makes a sound of affirmation, not willing to translate her thoughts into words. She had never told him that she knew the gender, assumed that it was wasn't important. But knowing, realizing that they had, or could have had, a little girl is crippling. They can imagine her, a little girl with dark hair and vibrant green eyes. They killed that little girl five months ago.
"Do you regret having the abortion?" he asks gently, his usual snark completely and utterly gone from the sentence.
"I don't know. I think so. Do you?"
"I—I lost you both at the same time. Fuck, San. Even though I know that whatever we did, it wouldn't have worked, and we're only seventeen, I fucking wish we hadn't aborted the baby." His voice sounds strangled, as if he is holding back tears. But she knows Sebastian never cries in front of others.
"You've thought about this?" she replies, trying to keep her tone level.
"I can't stop thinking about it, haven't for a while, San."
"Shit," she says before hanging up the phone abruptly. She can't deal with this, can't deal with him. He regrets the abortion, and now she realizes she does as well. They both cry after that phone call.
Santana wakes up in the morning and feels instantly depressed. Her little girl should have been born today. She should be holding her in her arms, not waking up like it is a normal school day. She manages to convince her mother that she is sick, and doesn't get out of bed the entire day. She debates talking to Sebastian, telling him the significance of today, but it would only make him feel as bad as she does. But she has to tell someone, and he is the only one that knows. She pulls out her phone and sends a quick text.
"I remembered her birthday. It's today." She waits and waits for an answer, and finally, when she thinks he must have not seen the text, or been too busy to reply, her phone vibrates.
"I'm coming to your house. On the way now," it says, almost comically short. As it is, Santana jumps out of bed and attempts vainly to straighten her room and put some clothing on. Never mind that he's seen her in much worse shape. Half an hour later, he's in her room sitting on the bed and she's trying to come up with a coherent thing to say. He doesn't say a word, just motions for the Latina to sit next to him on the bed. They stay there in comfortable silence as he puts his arm around her and brings her to rest on his shoulder. She breaks into soft sobs against him as he wraps her further into his arms.
"I'll be okay," he says quietly, though he looks a little woebegone himself. "You, we, can get through this."
Her sobs continue while he comforts her, until she finally replies. "We could've had a baby today, Seb."
"I know, babe," Sebastian replies as he releases her and lies back against the bed. He motions for her to do the same, so, she she sinks back into his arms. "We made our choices though, whether they were right or wrong."
Santana nods. There is not a thing they can do now, seven months later. She looks up at him tearfully. "I thought of a name for her, you know. Do you want to know what it is?"
"I'd love to," he says, although she can see the surprise on his face.
"Annie. Annie Lopez-Smythe." Fresh tears appears in her eyes, and he holds her tighter.
"Annie. After our first duet?" he whispers, and she swears she can see tears on his face too.
"Yeah. But... Annie's not okay, is she? I know that seems cheesy."
He's crying with her now, tears streaming her face and soft, strangled sobs coming from deep in his throat. "No," he finally gets out. "I guess she's not."
They lay there for hours, wrapped in each other as they cry for their lost daughter and their missed opportunities. They brought the pain on themselves, they realize, but for today, they know that they're allowed to cry.
I"m in complete favor of abortion, always have been, always will. However, I know that I can't just say I would get one without it actually being me. So, that said, I'm really not too crazy about anyone telling me how pro life they are in my comments. If you do have something to discuss, feel free to private message me.
So, lately, I've been obsessed with the song Lucy by Skillet. I think its all pretty, and I really wanted to write a story with it, and Sebtana has been rattling around in my brain. I hope you like it, its much longer than my usual chapter or one-shot. I know they're kind of OOC, but the situation itself is crack, so it can't hurt too much. I'm slowly realizing the only pairings I love for glee are crackships. If anyone is reading this looking for an update of my Raine/Blainchel story, I can tell you that I'm in the process of typing the next two chapters, and they should be coming soon. Either way, read, review, the whole schpiel.