Chapter 1
Her hands got stuck in the blonde's thick hair as she pulled her in for an intimate kiss. She moaned as her lips found the softness, breathing in through her nose as the intensity grew. She felt shivers run down her spine as the electricity moved down through her. She wanted it so badly. She needed to be touched, to feel whole again with the woman she loved so deeply.
She closed her eyes as she felt the woman on top of her, caressing her gently, as if she were the softest thing she had ever touched. Her sweet, caring smile melted her heart and she could not believe how lucky she was. She heard her voice whispering, "Mon amour," and she felt her breath against her neck and those lips drawing her in. The sound of the sliding door startled her.
/
Cosima awoke in a sweat. "Fuck!" she exclaimed.
She hadn't felt that way in a long time. It had been six months since Delphine had left. The dream had left her with a feeling of loneliness she didn't think was possible. Her heart still ached more than she wanted to admit.
She heard the door slide open and heard the familiar voice of Felix yelling, "Cosima, you better not be asleep still. Get your ass up! It's noon!"
Cosima groaned as she reluctantly slipped out from under the covers. She took her glasses from the nightstand, her brother coming into focus in the kitchen as she put them on.
"Hey sleepyhead, I got brunch." Felix stated, looking at Cosima disapprovingly. "You've been wallowing for too long."
"That's not what it is Felix," Cosima said with some strain in her voice.
She could remember what Delphine had said to her the day she left...she couldn't do it anymore...she didn't love her.
That last one stung like nothing before. Her stomach had turned as she had fought back hysterics, not wanting to display the intense hurt she was feeling. Delphine had left and Cosima collapsed into a state she could not shake. For weeks, she laid in bed curled up, barely eating, barely breathing. Felix had finally had enough of her taking up his bed so he had pulled her out of the funk she was in by not putting up with any of her bullshit. He was good in that way.
Although she wasn't stuck in bed anymore, she could still feel those words echoing through her mind. She didn't want to love Delphine anymore. She was so hurt but did not know how to move on.
Cosima slowly got back into her routine, going to the lab, working with Scott. But it didn't feel the same.
"Hey!" Felix's yell brought Cosima back to reality. "Hello? I got you your favorite." Felix held up a bag which she knew had to contain her favorite croissant.
"Sorry... thanks Felix," Cosima said.
She sat down on the couch and started eating. She didn't realize how hungry she was and finished the whole thing in a few bites.
"Jeez, slow down there," Felix exclaimed. His tone became inquisitive, "So what are we doing today?"
Cosima didn't feel like doing anything.
"I'm not going to let you sit here all day!" Felix said. "Let's go out."
Cosima groaned with disapproval but Felix insisted, "Let's go."
"Fiiiiine," Cosima said reluctantly.
She threw on a tee shirt and some black jeans and followed Felix to the door. Before she could leave, her phone rang. "Hold on Felix," she said.
She looked at her phone and saw that her sister Sarah was calling.
"Hey Sarah," she said into the phone.
"Hey Cosima," she heard Sarah say on the other end.
"What's up?" Cosima said.
Sarah paused before she said, "Look, I don't want you to get upset, but I thought you should know. Delphine is back."
"Wh...what? How do you know?" Cosima said shakily.
"I saw her at DYAD when I was there for a checkup with Scott. He said she's back working there. I wanted to tell you before you ran into her," Sarah said.
"Shit," Cosima swore. She felt so many mixed emotions, hurt, longing, fear. She knew that seeing Delphine would make this even more complicated. "Th...thanks for letting me know, Sarah," Cosima stuttered and hung up the phone.
She looked around and felt like her world had dropped from under her again. She never thought one woman would have such an affect on her life like this. She was angry. She was frustrated. She didn't want this to control her like it did.
Felix broke the silence, "Cosima? Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, I just need a minute," she said as she moved back toward the bedroom. She layed down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, fighting the tears that came as her eyes welled up. She had spent too much time crying over this woman. She didn't know why it was so difficult to get over it... well, she knew why.
From the moment they met, she had felt such a fierce connection. From the moment she looked into those eyes, she fell, hard, and fast. When she knew Delphine felt it too, the bliss was unbearable, the feelings were so intense, she knew she had found her soulmate.
The way she flipped her hair over to the other side. The way she looked at Cosima when they were around other people. The way she stroked Cosima's face in that loving, tender way. The way that her gaze could mend any hurt that Cosima was feeling. Well, any hurt that was not inflicted by her.
That's why it was so hard.
"Do you want to be alone?" Felix asked as he entered the room.
Cosima sighed, "No, let's go out. I need to get out."
She forced herself up and followed Felix to the door.
Chapter 2
She felt extremely nervous. Cosima dreaded going into work on Monday morning, knowing it was just a matter of time before she ran into her.
She got to the lab early that morning to avoid running into anyone on her way in and she planned on staying inside and working late to avoid the same on the way out.
She was surprised when she heard the keycard swipe at the door. "Scott, what are you doing here so ear—" she began to ask as she turned. Her heart jumped when she saw who it was.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't think anyone would be in yet," she heard Delphine say, "I'm doing a check of the labs."
Cosima sat frozen, not knowing what to say.
"Uh... it's fine," she stammered, as she turned back toward her workstation.
"Cosima, I assume you heard I am back working here," Delphine said.
"Uh, yeah," she said curtly, not wanting this conversation to continue. "Look, I have a ton of work to get through."
"Of course. I'll leave you be," Delphine said as she turned and left.
Cosima let out a deep sigh and put her head on her hands. "Yeah, that's what you're good at," she said under her breath.
Cosima didn't know how to feel. Her immense sadness got deeper after her earlier exchange but she also felt so angry and didn't know how to process it.
Everything had been going fine. They were on their way to finding a cure, Cosima had been feeling better and then out of the blue, Delphine said she had to go. She wouldn't say where, she wouldn't say why, and she had visibly gotten angry when Cosima asked her these questions.
"I can't get into this with you Cosima," Delphine had said. There had been a coldness in her voice, not the warm, soothing tone that usually came out of her mouth. She had been stoic, not crying, as Cosima's tears came fast. Delphine had looked her in the eye and said, "I can't. I don't love you anymore." Her voice did not choke when she said this. It was ice cold.
Why had this happened so abruptly? Cosima couldn't understand it, she couldn't make sense of it all. And why was she back now? She had so many questions. Delphine was the only one with answers but she couldn't bear the thought of being in the same room with her.
She packed up her things for the day and headed for the door as her phone rang. It was Sarah again.
"How you doing, Cosima?" she inquired. "I know it was your first day back with big bad boss lady."
Cosima knew she was trying to lighten the mood but she wasn't laughing. "I'm ok," she said hesitantly. She didn't really want to talk about it over the phone. "Do you want to come over later? I could use a friend."
"Of course, Cos, I'll bring dinner. Be there in an hour," Sarah said.
The day weighed heavy on Cosima as she took her boots off at home, stretching out on the couch to relax before Sarah showed up. Her thoughts kept going back to that day. No matter what, she had not been able to forget those words.
"I can't. I don't love you anymore."
A rap at the door got her out of her thoughts as she got up to let Sarah in.
"Hey Cos," Sarah said as she gave her a much needed hug. They sat down on the floor to eat at the coffee table. "What's on your mind?" Sarah asked.
"Oh you know, stupid shit," Cosima said, deflecting.
"C'mon Cos, you can talk to me. I promise I won't judge," Sarah said reassuringly.
"I just... don't know, Sarah. I feel like I am stuck in this place I don't want to be," Cosima explained. "Like I'm trying my hardest to get over her, but it feels like there is a mountain I need to move and there is no way I can do it."
"You can. You're strong, one of the strongest people I know," Sarah said. "I'm here for you."
"I just don't know how I can see her at work all the time. It's going to kill me," Cosima said with a touch of sadness in her voice. "It's so hard."
"Maybe you need a vacation," Sarah said. "We all do, really."
"That's not very realistic with what I'm working on," Cosima glared at her sister.
"I know, you're working very hard and I'm so grateful," Sarah said and reached forward to grab Cosima's hand. "I'm going to help you through this. You've always been there for me. I'll be there for you."
"Thank you…" Cosima stated as she could feel the rush of tears swelling into her eyes.
They finished dinner and put on some music as Felix got home. Cosima felt free dancing around the living room with her siblings, trying to live in the moment. She cracked a smile when Felix grabbed her and started to waltz with her.
They all collapsed onto the couch in laughter before they heard a knock at the door.
"You expecting someone?" Sarah asked Felix.
"No…" he retorted.
Sarah got up to answer the door. She slid it open and saw Delphine standing there. Before Delphine could speak, Sarah said, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry, I was looking for Cosima. I didn't think anyone else would be around," Delphine stated.
"She doesn't want to see you," Sarah spat. She knew how hurt Cosima was and she would not stand for any more of it.
"Please just give me five minutes," Delphine pleaded.
Before Sarah could speak, Cosima stood up and said, "Sarah, it's fine."
Sarah glared at Cosima. "Cos..." she said.
"Let's go, Sarah," Felix chimed in, "we'll be right back." He gave Delphine a look of disdain as he grabbed Sarah's hand and led her out the door.
Delphine stepped inside and closed the door behind them. "Thank you," she said.
"I didn't do it for you. I did it for me," Cosima said angrily. "There are some things I need to say to you."
"Ok," Delphine said.
"Why are you back here?" Cosima asked, "When you left, you essentially told me you never wanted to see me again."
All of a sudden she watched as tears came to Delphine's eyes. This was unexpected and caught Cosima off guard.
"Please," she choked, "let me explain. I know I don't deserve it. I just want you to hear me out and then you can say whatever you want."
"Fine," Cosima stated.
"Cosima, I want to tell you... I needed to leave. I couldn't tell you where I was going and I couldn't have you looking for me either. They told me it was a secret and to keep you safe, I had to go," Delphine said.
"What? Delphine, how can I believe this? DYAD made you leave?" Cosima asked.
"Well, it was Topside. And they told me if you came looking for me, they would cut you off from the DYAD," Delphine said.
Cosima was angry. "Why didn't you just tell me this?" she yelled. "We could've gotten through it together. You never trust me."
"I... I'm sorry," Delphine choked. "I was put in a very tough position. I had to make a decision. It wasn't easy."
Cosima turned to look at Delphine. "It wasn't easy? How do you think I felt? Delphine, you told me you didn't love me anymore," Cosima said, enraged. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"
Delphine broke down suddenly in tears and dropped down onto the couch and grabbed Cosima's hand. "It wasn't true. I'm sorry. I had to. It was the only way to keep you from looking for me," Delphine sobbed. "I didn't know what else to do. I was under so much pressure."
Cosima felt tears coming to her eyes. She flinched when Delphine touched her. She was so upset, so angry. "Why are you back then?"
"They released me and told me they needed me back at the DYAD. I didn't know if I would ever be able to come back," Delphine said, holding back more tears.
Cosima looked into Delphine's eyes and for a moment, she wanted to hold her, to tell her it was ok, but her anger was overpowering. "Go," she said as she took her eyes away from Delphine's. "Please, just go. I need some space."
Delphine got up quietly with pain in her face. Her eyes were red from crying but she respected Cosima's wishes and left.
Cosima began sobbing as soon as the door was closed.
The door opened a few minutes later as Sarah and Felix came back in.
"Shit, what the hell did she do to you, Cos?" Sarah asked, running over to comfort her sobbing sister. "I'll kick her ass."
"I think I just need to be alone," Cosima said through her tears.
"Like hell you do!" Sarah stated. "C'mon, let's get you into bed."
Sarah helped Cosima up and led her toward the bed. She laid next to her, holding her hand until she stopped crying.
"Thanks, Sarah," Cosima said as her tears slowed.
"I told you you don't have to do this alone," Sarah said. "I love you."
"Love you too," Cosima said. She was grateful to have someone who cared for her the way Sarah did.
"Well, I'm sleeping here tonight," Sarah said as she rolled over.
Cosima closed her eyes and tried to push out any thoughts of Delphine as she finally fell asleep.
Chapter 3
Delphine stepped outside into the cool air. She felt like she had had the wind knocked out of her. That did not go the way she wanted, she thought. She wasn't sure what to do next. She hadn't expected to get so emotional. She thought she would've calmly explained everything to Cosima about what happened and they would... well, she wasn't sure what she wanted.
As she drove home, her thoughts wandered back to that day. The day she got the news that she had to leave. She had argued with them, pleading that they not take her away, but they threatened Cosima's safety, and once they did that, she knew that she had no choice.
She had pushed all her feelings back, knew she had to be believable. She knew she would hurt Cosima so badly, but she couldn't think about that as she walked up to Felix's apartment to say goodbye.
As Cosima opened the door, she smiled, "Hey you."
It broke Delphine's heart as she knew that smile would soon be gone.
"Hey," she said.
"What's wrong?" Cosima asked, "Talk to me. You look worried."
"Cosima, I have to go away." Delphine stated. She needed to do this quickly or else she would break. "I can't tell you more than that, but I can't do this anymore."
"Wait, what?" Cosima asked incredulously. "Where is this coming from? Are you in trouble?"
"Cosima, I can't get into this with you," Delphine said, coldly.
"I don't get it. What's going on? You need to talk to me!" Cosima strained.
Delphine knew she had to say it, she knew it was the only way out. She knew Cosima would hate her forever, but she was saving her. If she didn't say it right then, she would not be able to get the words out. "I can't. I don't love you anymore."
The look on Cosima's face was more than Delphine could bear. She turned and left and barely made it to the street when her knees gave out and she fell to the ground sobbing.
Her thoughts came back to reality as she thought about what happened tonight. She was confused, lost. There were so many emotions tonight. Maybe she just needed to let it be for now, give Cosima some space. She knew she had hurt her worse than she could imagine and she couldn't fight back the tears that came streaming out as she tried to think of a way she could mend that hurt and hold Cosima close again and never let her go.
Cosima spent the next few days avoiding Delphine at work, which wasn't difficult since she seemed to have heeded her ask for space. She threw herself into her work because she didn't know what else to do.
Scott tried to joke around with her and she would laugh but it wasn't genuine.
She had been so angry for so long but as she got farther away from the conversation she found her anger had just turned into sadness. She felt pathetic.
She spent every night with Sarah and Felix, talking about whatever, eating, watching movies, trying to avoid the subject of Delphine.
"Cos, what do you really want?" Sarah asked her one night when they were hanging out.
"I don't know," she said. "I really don't."
Sarah hated Delphine for what she had done to Cosima. She wanted so badly for Cosima to move on but she could see in her eyes that she didn't really want to.
"Look, don't hate me for saying this but I think the real reason you can't move on is because you don't want to," Sarah said as Cosima looked at her. "You know I hate that bitch for what she's done to you. But I also see that you're spiraling. And I don't want that for you. I think you need to deal with this shit. Face it head on. It's the only way you can figure out what you need."
Cosima was quiet. She didn't know what to say. She sighed and tried to control all her emotions that were swirling inside. "I just don't know if I can face her," Cosima said. "It's too painful."
"When you're ready, Cos, I'll help you," Sarah said.
Delphine woke up to a loud knocking at her door. Confused, she stumbled to the door, opening it to find Sarah outside.
Before she could say anything, Sarah said forcefully, "Listen to me. I don't like you and you probably don't like me but I could give a shit about that. One thing we have in common is Cosima and you need to sort your shit out with her because I can't stand seeing her like this anymore. I have one question for you. Do you love her?"
"Yes," Delphine stated without any hesitation.
"Well then you need to figure this out," Sarah said.
"She said she needs space. I'm trying to respect her wishes," Delphine answered.
"Well then write her a fucking letter or something because she's miserable," Sarah said defiantly. And she left.
Delphine felt the tears coming but pushed them back. She knew what she had to do.
Chapter 4
Cosima got home after a long day at the lab and all she wanted to do was sleep. However, she came home to find Felix dancing around, painting, half naked with his music blasting.
"Oh hey," he yelled.
"Hey," Cosima said unenthusiastically.
"Oh, that was under the door when I got home," Felix shouted, pointing to an envelope on the counter.
Cosima walked over to find a white envelope with her name on it. She picked it up and tore it open, sitting herself down on the couch. Her heart jumped. It was from Delphine.
"What is it?" Felix asked turning down the music and coming over.
"Nothing," Cosima said quickly. "I'm gonna go lay down for a sec." She wanted to be alone.
"Ok, you're being totally cryptic," Felix called to her as she wandered off. "I'm going down to the pub anyway." He threw on some pants and left.
Cosima lay down on the bed, shaking. She opened the letter and read:
Dear Cosima,
I am respecting your wishes to give you space, but I wanted to put it all down so you know the whole truth.
I know I started to explain this to you a few days ago but we were both too emotional. I know I was.
So here it is. The truth.
The truth is that everything I have done I have done for you. Every hard decision I had to make, it was all for you, to keep you safe.
It was the hardest thing in the world to leave you. My entire body ached for you for days, weeks, months.
I don't regret doing it though because it was what I had to do. I know I hurt you. It hurts me more than you know to know that you are in pain.
Telling you I didn't love you was perhaps the worst mistake, but I had to do it at the time. Protecting you from Topside was my priority.
But I want you to know that it was never true. I have never stopped loving you. Just thinking about you hurting makes my heart ache in the worst pain I have ever known.
I want you to know the truth because you deserve it. You deserve whatever it is that you want in this world. If it is not me, then I will have to understand. I only want you to be safe and happy. I care about you more than I care about my own life.
I leave it to you then, my dear Cosima, to tell me what it is that you want. Because all of it was my fault. You have an absolute right to be angry with me. But if you ever do want to talk, please know, I am here, always.
Delphine
Cosima reread the letter and cried. "Fuuuuck," she said shakily. She didn't know what to do next. She felt her pulse coursing through her body. Her heart was beating so fast. She grabbed her coat and left.
Delphine was drinking a glass of wine when she heard a knock at the door. When she opened the door she was surprised to find Cosima behind it. A shock of electricity ran through her body when their eyes met.
"I...I got your letter," Cosima said nervously.
"I see," Delphine said, half smiling, unsure of where this was going.
"Can we talk?" Cosima inquired.
"Of course. Please, come in," Delphine said as she welcomed Cosima inside.
Cosima turned to her and stated, "I am… was so angry with you. You left me. For six months. Told me you didn't love me. I tried to move on but I couldn't. And now that you're here, it's even harder. And then you wrote me that letter. And that makes it impossible to move on."
Cosima paused before continuing. "So all things are pointing toward something. Perhaps I shouldn't move on."
"I was trying to figure out why moving on was so hard, Delphine. And it's because my love for you is not just love. It's visceral, I feel it in every cell of my body. I feel your presence with me wherever I go. You have not left my dreams. It's not fair." She was tearing up as she said this, not knowing if she would be able to hold back the tears. It was too emotional. She let out a sob and collapsed onto the couch as the tears came.
Delphine grabbed her immediately taking her into her warm embrace, tears in her own eyes. She held Cosima tight to her body as she convulsed with emotion. She would not let go. Not this time.
Delphine took Cosima's face in her hands and wiped away the tears with her fingers. "Mon amour," she whispered and kissed Cosima's cheek.
She brought her closer as their lips met passionately just as they had done a hundred times before. But this felt different. After all this time, the passion that ignited between them was palpable. As Delphine kissed her, Cosima felt a surge of joy as her tears slowly stopped. She held onto Delphine as tight as she could, their lips meeting between breaths, their hearts beating together in rhythm.
Delphine paused to look Cosima in the eye. "Are you ok, my love?" she asked.
"Yes, please, kiss me," Cosima pleaded.
Delphine leaned in and held Cosima's head to hers as they met once again. She took Cosima's hand and led her to the bedroom.
Once inside, they undressed slowly, keeping their lips together as they continued to kiss. Delphine felt Cosima's body beneath her hands and moaned at the touch of her soft skin. She felt Cosima shiver at her touch and fall into her like she had missed her hands so badly.
Delphine heard Cosima whimper as she dragged her fingers over her breasts, finding her nipple and touching it ever so slightly.
Cosima could feel that she was so wet. "Please, I need you inside me," Cosima whispered.
Delphine listened and began playing with Cosima's clit as she groaned in pleasure. She inserted a finger followed by two and felt Cosima grind against her. "Mmm Delphine...ohh," she moaned. Rubbing Cosima's clit with her thumb, Delphine could tell she was getting close.
Cosima grabbed Delphine around the neck as she was pushed over the edge, spasming without control of her body, looking into Delphine's eyes as she did. She could get lost in those eyes.
As she returned from her ecstasy, she grabbed Delphine and held her tight as she started to cry. Delphine grabbed her and said sweetly, "Shhh… no more tears. I'm here now. I love you."
Delphine caressed Cosima's face with a tenderness Cosima had missed so much. She was so happy at that moment to be in the arms of the one she loved. After all this time, after all the heartache, she wanted to be happy again. She allowed herself to feel that unfamiliar feeling while Delphine held her so tight. She felt she was finally safe and home.
...