~ This is my first attempt at a humor/parody Oneshot, I know I have many other stories that I have going at one time but oh well, I just wanted to do this. This takes place just after Han is frozen in carbonite and is mostly from Luke and Vader's point of view. So yeah and I hope you enjoy it and once again, this is not meant to be taken seriously. This is rated T mainly because of the language.
~ Blaze ~
A long time ago in a candy store far, far away…
The mining colony of Bespin was still and the hallways were silent as Luke Skywalker made his way into the Cloud City. Artoo beeped and Luke glared at him for a long moment. "Be quiet, Artoo, they aren't suppose to know we are here," he snapped quietly.
Artoo beeped angrily at him before rolling after him as Luke made his way deeper down the dark lit hallways. Luke gripped his blaster tightly as he made his way deeper into the city. He spotted someone frozen in carbonite before grimacing as a bounty hunter followed him.
The bounty hunter saw him and shouted something Luke couldn't figure out. "What?" he called back.
Artoo beeped something that sounded like, "you weren't supposed to call back to him," but Luke ignored him. The bounty hunter glared at him before pointing the blaster at him and letting lose a blast. The blaster shot missed Luke by several meters and Luke chuckled before pointing his blaster at the bounty hunter but Artoo bumped into him and his blaster went flying.
"Damn it, Artoo," he hissed just as a squad of Stormtroopers came into the open with a dark skinned man, Leia, Chewbacca and Threepio just behind him.
The Stormtroopers blasted at him but each blaster missed him by about a few meters. Luke burst out laughing. "Ha, who taught you how to shoot?" he shouted.
"Vader taught me!" the Stormtrooper shouted in reply.
"Thought so," muttered Luke as he narrowed his eyes.
"Luke, get out of here and don't agitate those Stormtroopers, you idiot," Leia shouted back at him as they rounded a corner. She pushed angrily at the Stormtroopers before poking her head out from behind the wall. "It's a trap, you idiot, don't go in there."
"Trap? What the hell are you talking ab…?" Luke broke off as the Stormtroopers grabbed Leia before practically pushing her back down the hallway. Luke frowned slightly, what the hell did she mean? He wondered silently.
He walked onward, deeper into the city and began wandering aimlessly around the city and he suddenly found himself, strangely with his eyes closed, in a dark lit room. "Ah! Where's the light?! It's so dark in here!" Luke shouted.
Artoo beeped something as the door closed behind him and Luke figured it was something like "open your eyes, you idiot!" Luke opened his eyes before blushing in embarrassment and making his way deeper into the dark lit roo,
"What the hell is this place?" he wondered out loud.
"Welcome young Skywalker," a voice sounded and Luke leapt up with a scream of fright before turning his attention to the dark clad man that stood in front of him. The imposing figure of Darth Vader gazed at him and Luke blushed even more when he felt waves of humor coming off of Vader through the Force.
"Let's pretend that never happened," he suggested as he ignited his lightsaber before climbing the steps to meet the dark lord.
Vader chuckled, or at least Luke thought it was a chuckle, it was hard to tell with the mask he wore. "Very well, young Skywalker," he said before igniting his own lightsaber and swinging it at Luke who leapt back and blocked it with his own lightsaber. He swung his lightsaber quite swiftly at Vader and suddenly, both their lightsabers went flying to the other end of the room.
"Ah great, that's the seventeenth time I've lost that stupid thing," Vader grumbled as he went off to find his lightsaber, Luke followed him, also looking for his lightsaber.
"Seventeenth, damn, I've only lost it once now," Luke commented and ignited his lightsaber quickly before swinging it at Vader who found his and blocked the blow.
Vader swung his lightsaber at Luke and he leapt backwards, losing his balance and falling into the dark pit. Vader watched him fall before looking away. "All too easy," he muttered before flicking a switch.
"Ha, you really think you could have caught me that easy," Luke shouted, clinging to the poles that lay above the hole. He leapt down to the ground before tripping and slipping, crashing into a pole. "OW!"
Vader laughed, at least it sounded like a laugh, before leaping at Luke who rolled out of the way and blocked the blow with his own lightsaber. He got quickly to his feet and rubbed his head before grumbling and leaping at Vader, pushing him off of the platform.
"Ow! Watch it!" Vader shouted as he crashed onto his back on the ground below and Luke glared at him before making his way down the staircase to confront Vader again.
Meanwhile, Leia muttered curses under her breath, curses in English, French, Portuguese, Huttese, Spanish, Italian and Japanese. Lando glanced at her in shock. "How did you know that many curses? And in that many very strange languages?"
"What's it to you?" Leia snapped angrily as they rounded a corner and were suddenly surrounded by Bespin soldiers.
"I'm helping you, you idiot," Lando snapped as he took the weapons from the Stormtroopers and the Bespin soldiers escorted them away. Almost as soon as the binders were off of Chewbacca, he grabbed Lando's throat and began strangling him.
"Let…go! I'm…sorry…I called…Leia a…idiot," Lando gasped out angrily. "There's…still a…chance…to save…Han!"
"Chewbacca, let go, where is Han?" Leia demanded angrily before smacking Lando across the face almost as soon as the Wookiee let go of him.
"What the hell was that for?" the dark skinned man demanded.
"For being an idiot and causing Han to be frozen in carbonite!" Leia snapped angrily. "Now where is Han?!"
"Slave I is leaving the landing bay so we have to hurry if we want to get there before they leave and…" Lando began.
"All right, shut up!" Leia snapped. "Which landing bay?"
"Follow me!" Lando snapped back before leading them away from the area.
Meanwhile, Luke and Vader were still fighting, their fight took them near the room that viewed the central air shaft of the city. Vader swung his lightsaber at Luke who blocked it swiftly before leaping backwards to avoid the dark lord as they neared the large window. Vader tossed random things at Luke and Luke hissed in pain as one of these things connected with his head.
"No fair! That's cheating!" Luke protested.
"All's fair in love and war," Vader replied simply before tossing something else at Luke, it missed and crashed into the window and shattered it.
"Ha, I knew you taught those Stormtroopers how to shoot," Luke commented just as he found himself thrown out of the window and he crashed onto the platform before sliding to the end. He grabbed hold of the railing before glaring at Vader.
"I thought you wanted me alive!" he shouted.
"I do? Oh right, yeah, I do," Vader replied as he leapt onto the platform as Luke scrambled up onto it before igniting his lightsaber again and swung it at Vader who blocked it and Force pushed him back.
Meanwhile, Lando led the way toward the docking bay where Slave I was starting to start up and fly away. He paused when he spotted a candy store. "CANDY! Candy Store!" he shouted before running toward the candy store. "I forgot this place was here."
"Forget about the candy, let's go," Leia shouted and Chewbacca grabbed Lando before literally dragging him away as they reached the docking bay.
Leia muttered a string of curses as Slave I flew away and she tossed her blaster at the ship that flew away. "Well nice going, you lost that blaster," she said angrily.
"You lost that blaster, you dumbass," Lando snapped and hissed an "ow!" as Chewbacca smacked him hard upside the head. "What was that for, you fuzzball?"
"For calling Leia a dumbass, you're the dumbass," Chewbacca snapped and everyone fell silent. "What?" he asked looking confused.
"Wow, he talked," Leia whispered.
"Come on, we have to get out of here and besides, I've always been able to talk," Chewbacca replied with a shrug. "Han just always got on my nerves so I went silent just so I won't end up blurting out something that'll get him in trouble…by the way, Artoo's following us."
"Wow, I didn't even notice," Leia commented, looking at the little blue droid who beeped angrily in reply. He let lose some smoke and Leia coughed. "Dumb droid, you're suppose to wait until we get past you," she gasped out, coughing as she ran through the smoke, heading toward the hangar bay with Chewbacca and Lando just behind her.
Artoo beeped in an injured tone before following them, tripping and rolling the rest of the way, nearly knocking the Wookiee down. "Raargh!" Chewbacca yowled angrily, switching back to his wookiee tongue in his anger and pain. He muttered something angrily under his breath and Leia thought it sounded like a string of curses, strangely enough, they had the faint accent of a French man.
"Wow, I didn't know you knew French," she commented as they neared the hangar before running the rest of the way to the Falcon. Lando tripped and Leia screeched in fury as she tripped over the dark skinned man and Chewbacca and Artoo tripped over them as well. They all fell and rolled the rest of the way to the Falcon.
"The hyperdrive better be working," Leia muttered as she picked herself up before walking into the ship.
"It probably isn't," Chewbacca commented before following her into the ship"They told me they fixed it," Lando snapped.
Meanwhile, Luke and Vader were once again at a stalemate and they glared at each other before stretching out two hands. "Rock, paper, scissors," they shouted at the same time and they both threw paper.
"Damn it, tie again," they screeched at the same time.
"Enough of this," Luke muttered and swung his lightsaber at Vader, hitting his arm and the dark lord snarled in pain before swinging his lightsaber quickly at Luke, knocking him down and slicing off his hand.
"Ahh, damn you, you bastard," he shouted.
"Hey, don't use that kind of language with me, boy," Vader snapped.
"Or what? You already sliced off my hand you bastard," Luke screeched as he staggered back, holding his injured hand.
"Stop using such language boy or I'll have to wash out your mouth with soap. Besides, don't feel bad, I lost my arm the same way after all," the dark lord snapped, extinguishing his lightsaber before clipping it to his belt. "Don't you understand, Luke, you can end this conflict, you can bring peace to the galaxy."
"Oh come on," Luke scoffed. "All the Emperor wants is to use me."
"Well duh, but I'm not the Emperor," Vader replied before walking forward as Luke grabbed onto the pole into the center of the central airshaft.
Luke rolled his eyes before clinging to the pole and glaring at him. "Well…" he snapped.
"Well what?"
Luke sighed. "Can we get a script in here?" he shouted and suddenly a script appeared in front of Vader who took it and read it quickly before tossing it down the airshaft.
"I knew that," he snapped before narrowing his eyes and saying, "Obi-Wan never told you the truth about your father, did he?"
"Yes, he said you killed him like the stupid idiot you are, he also said my father was always losing things and he always had to rescue my father," Luke snapped.
"No, I am your father and what you do mean by that? I'm the one that was always rescuing Obi-Wan," Vader snapped.
"So," Luke rolled his eyes.
"Why are you not surprised?" the dark lord asked.
"Oh I'm surprised, hold on, it's coming," there was several long minutes of silence before Luke shouted, "NO, that's IMPOSSIBLE!"
"It's about time," Vader muttered as he straightened up before walking to the edge of the platform. "Luke you can end this conflict, we can bring peace to the galaxy."
"At what cost? Becoming a sadistic metal monster like you," snapped Luke.
"I'm not sadistic and it's not like you have to become a monster, Palpatine foresaw that you would join me but he never said that you would come a monster," Vader pointed out.
"Well what do I get out of it?" Luke asked.
"Anything you want," Vader replied.
"Hmm…nah, you can't give me anything I want."
"Yes, I can, what do you want? Books?"
"NO way, I don't read!" Luke snapped.
"Pepsi?" Vader asked.
"Nah, I'm been trying to cut down," Luke replied.
"A cat?" asked the dark lord.
"What the hell would I do with a cat?"
"An MP3 player?"
"Like I'd have time to use it."
"And Ipod?" Vader asked.
"And what will I do with an Ipod, I won't have time to use it either."
"Comics?"
"I don't read comics, I'm too busy."
"A nintendo DS?" asked Vader as he narrowed his eyes slightly.
"Once again, I wouldn't have time to play it."
"What about an X box?"
"Do I have to repeat myself every freaking time? I won't have time to play an X box though that would be really cool to have," he commented.
"What about a raise in your allowance?" asked Vader.
"I don't have an allowance."
"If you join me, you'll get one," the dark lord replied.
"What else do you have to offer me?" Luke asked curiously.
Vader sighed. "A new lightsaber to replace your old one?" he asked.
"So long as it's not red, I don't like that color, I never have and I never will," Luke said.
"So are you going to join me or not?" Vader asked before sighing. "I'm getting tired of this game."
Luke frowned. "We are still negotiating, what else do you have?" he asked.
"We have candy," Vader offered.
"Mmm, Candy," Luke said but suddenly, his feet slipped and he fell down into the airshaft.
Vader watched him fall. "You were suppose to hold on," he shouted.
"Thanks for the notice, a little late though," Luke shouted back as he crashed down the garbage chute before falling. "WEEEEE!" he screamed gleefully, so loudly that Vader, who was heading back to his ship, heard him. The dark lord sighed when he heard it as Luke crashed through the bottom of Bespin and grabbed hold of the weathervane.
"Ah crap, how the hell did I get myself in this situation?" he muttered before sighing. "And how in the hell am I going to get out? God, note to self, learn to keep a good grip on things with my feet."
He sighed as he waited for the Millennium Falcon that was flying toward him, to get beneath the city. "I seriously wanted that candy though," he muttered.
A/n well, what do you think of my first humor/parody Oneshot, I like it but it's up to you so please review and I hope that you enjoyed it.
~ Blaze ~