Perfection; it was a hard term to define. So many months ago Casey Novak would have probably called her life perfect, or at least a derivative form of the word. But now, no. Never now. Dating confused things; she loved John Munch and wanted to be with him, but an A.D.A dating the detective she fought cases for was not appropriate for such an aspiring young woman; no one would have approved; no one did approve. And that's when Casey started dating Michael Javenson, the handsome new A.D.A. for Major Case Squad, another chapter of the NYPD. Their dating was wildly accepted, as if their relationship had been written in the stars. Things picked up with Mike and Casey, but nothing was ever the way it was for Casey and John…and things never would be. Eventually intimacy had to occur and although Casey wasn't fully prepared, she finally gave in. It was…enjoyable, at best, but not memorable; not what Casey would have expected or chosen, if ever given the choice. And then she got pregnant.
Now, nine months later, the only thing that seemed to make any sense at all to Casey, the only thing that seemed to give Casey any peace in mind and reassurance of life, were the twins she gave birth to. Madelyn Elizabeth, "Maddy", and Anthony Sebastian. Casey reveled in her children, thrilled with the idea of finally having someone to love her as much as she loved it. Lawyers, she knew, were usually never capable of giving their whole heart over to another human being; passion always laid within them, enveloping itself with case upon case, argument upon argument, and strategy after strategy.
"My kids will never grow up to be like their parents." Casey thought to herself as she sat there to nurse not just one, but both of her twins. Nursing, however, was frightening. Madelyn was a few minutes younger than Anthony, and was not taking to the nipple as well as him. What if there was something wrong? She wondered if all mothers, new and old, were this fearful when they gave birth. Slowly, mother's intuition began to kick in and she gently stroked her daughter on her back.
"Hey, hey….Shh", She whispered to the tiny life in her hands. "Don't cry," She instructed. And as if it were magic, Madelyn stopped her whining and began nursing better. Casey rubbed her back and applauded the infant on getting so much better so quickly.
"Good girl" Casey said, smiling. She looked back and forth from her son and her daughter; what beautiful lives they were, and they were all hers. A part of that frightened her… from this point on she would always be their mother; she would be responsible for them—making sure they had enough love, enough food, safety, intelligence—she would be their soul provider. And there would be so many ways in which to screw up.
"I love you" she said to the twins, "please, I'm going to ask for forgiveness now for anything I may make mistakes on, because I know that I am going to make mistakes here and there."
The sound of foot steps snapped Casey's attention to her hospital room door, only for her to find Elliot and Olivia standing there, smiling. "Hey" she said. And for the first time in a long time she wore a smile on her face that wasn't forced.
"Hey there" Olivia said, smiling brightly. She sauntered into the room swiftly and walked to Casey's left side. "They're beautiful, Casey" she commented.
"Thanks" She said, a tiny yawn escaping her diaphragm. Elliot walked to her right side and set his hand on her shoulder. "Yeah they really are, Casey."
She smiled at her friends, but couldn't hide the look of fear from Elliot.
"Don't worry, Casey" He began, "the first few months is always the scariest. But soon you realize that being a parent means making mistakes and learning from them. No matter what your kids will always love you. You're their mother and that means sacrifices, but that doesn't mean you can't have a real life too. Take it from someone who knows."
"Thanks, El.," Casey replied. "That really means a lot"
"It should it's the truth. I've raised enough children to know what being a parent is all about." He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.
"You know, until now nothing in my life lately has seemed real…nothing has seemed right. But my children…they're real…and they're right. For the first time I feel like I've done something right and that scares me to death." She confided.
"Casey everything you do is right" Olivia added. "I mean you have one of the highest conviction rates out of any of the squads. You're smart and beautiful and brilliant. Everybody loves you and you know that…"
"I do know that" She replied.
"So what are the names of the newest members of our family?" Olivia's smiled radiantly, hoping to brighten the mood with questions about the twins.
"This is Madelyn Elizabeth" Casey said, holding the twin wrapped in the pink blanket. "And this is Anthony Sebastian" She held up the other twin, this one wrapped in a blue blanket. The blankets were obviously color coded by gender.
"Can we hold them?" Olivia reached down for Madelyn and Anthony. It was barely a question so much as a command. When she had a good grasp on both twins she leaned over and handed Anthony to Elliot. "There ya go, sweetie, go to Uncle Elliot"
Casey smiled; she couldn't say she was angry about having her arms free to stretch around for the next few minutes, even if it meant giving the twins to someone else for a little bit.
"So have you eaten yet?" Elliot said, shaking up the cranberry juice that lay meaninglessly on Casey's bedside table. He knew from experience that doctors generally didn't move up the OB patients to a regular diet for about a day and a half, sometimes less depending on how well they started to recover.
"That is my dinner" Casey didn't look up at Elliot. She was too focused on trying to figure out the demons of diaper changing. "Damn you sticky side of the diaper flaps!" Casey cursed the diapers. How could you get the 'wings' down long enough to wrap them around the girth of the baby if they kept sticking to something else and stretching the plastic to a tear?
"Like this" Elliot took Madelyn in one hand, and the infant's diaper in the other. He opened the diaper, then gently positioned the baby so that her buttocks matched to the buttocks of the diaper, pulled the front forward and folded the edges so they were well below the umbilical area, then quickly fastened the 'wings' of one side to the fold. He did the same with the other side, then reached below to the area between the thighs and groin and made sure that the edges of the diaper faced outward. "If you don't do this," he explained, "when she goes to the bathroom it'll all seep out through the bottom and you'll have an even bigger mess to clean than when you started"
Casey nodded gratefully. It seemed ironic to her how the male seemed to have the most experience in diaper changing than the two fully grown females standing beside him, especially the female to which the twins belonged. "So umm, got any tricks for breastfeeding that you'd care to share?" She grinned.