Discussions

By Kadi

Rated K+

Disclaimer: It is not my sandbox, but it is my favorite place to play. I promise to put the toys back when I'm finished with them… eventually.

A/N: Follow up to Shockwave Part 2. In my opinion, Andy shouldn't get off so easily after pulling that little stunt, even if it was rather heroic. Everything has consequences, and no good deed ever goes unpunished.

Yelling, slamming doors and other items, all of the things that he became accustomed to the last time that he lived with a woman were not the precursors to fights with Sharon. She didn't fight at all. That didn't mean that they did not have their disagreements because they certainly did, but Sharon would not glare angrily at him and slam pots and pans around in the kitchen until he realized that she was upset about something.

All of their years of butting heads at work had not prepared him for the first time that they argued as a couple. Although even the word argue didn't seem to completely apply to their situation when Sharon was really upset with him. They were as different as night and day when it came to how they expressed that particular emotion.

Sarcasm was her usual weapon of choice if she was annoyed with him. Andy got used to that when they were still just friends. When her tone turned dry or overly saccharine he knew to ask what he'd done wrong, because most of the time, he really didn't know. That usually earned him an eye-roll, but she would tell him. Thankfully, Sharon was not one of those if you don't know; I'm not going to tell you types.

An annoyed Sharon was something that he could deal with. She didn't hold on to those feelings, and it didn't take much for him to make up to her whatever he'd done to annoy her in the first place. Of course, he could never stay especially annoyed or mad at her for long. Not that either of them was often mad or annoyed with the other, but they had both lived alone for a long time before they began dating, so there had been a learning curve when it came to thinking as part of a couple.

They had done pretty okay with it, obviously, since they were living together now, and planning a wedding. The first time Sharon was really mad at him, though, it had surprised him. He expected her to be upset; Andy had known the moment that he crossed the line that he would be in trouble with her. That was a sacrifice he made the first time he told Jack to go screw himself after they began dating. Their relationship was still fairly new then, Sharon was used to fighting that battle on her own, and she was also worried about what her kids would think about her new boyfriend telling their father off. They were already dealing with Rusty's disapproval to their romantic situation, and she had worried at fighting that battle on two other fronts as well.

Silence. That was how Sharon argued. She wouldn't speak to him, and she didn't want to be around him. When she was over the anger, she wanted to talk about it. Actually, now that Andy thought about it, she had only ever been that angry with him twice since their relationship began. He annoyed her plenty, and usually on purpose, but he didn't piss her off. The annoyances meant makeup sex, but pissed off meant hours of talking.

Those first two occasions had not prepared him for this, however. The first time, Sharon had cancelled a date, but had shown up at his house late that night to discuss the situation. The second time was just after he moved into the condo. That argument was a total misunderstanding. He completely forgot he was supposed to meet Sandra at the condo to discuss paying off the last of Nicole's student loans with money he got out of selling his house. They had split the kids' tuition bills, and whatever else Sandra liked to say about him, she could never complain that he hadn't paid his half of everything, and then some, when it came to their kids. He had genuinely forgotten that night, though. They had come off a case, one involving kids, and Andy had gone to a meeting. He told Sharon that Sandra would be stopping by, sometime that week, but he didn't tell her a time was decided on, and it didn't help that he wasn't there when the ex-wife showed up.

Sharon wouldn't speak to him when he got home. It was Rusty that mentioned Sandra stopping by, which clued him in to what Sharon was upset about. She had simply gone to their room and closed the door. He tried talking to her, but she wasn't ready yet. Sharon ignored him, she simply flipped another page in the book that he knew she was only pretending to read. So he decided, and Rusty agreed, it was better for him to wait it out. Andy was all prepared to sleep on the couch that night, but she reappeared before that happened, and they discussed it.

Not speaking to him when she was angry was her way of controlling the situation, not because she needed to be in command of it, but to prevent herself from saying things that she may regret later. Words had power, and once spoken, they could not be taken back. He couldn't disagree. People couldn't understand how they made a relationship work, especially considering how different they were. It was more than a case of opposites attracting. They talked about everything. There were no shouting matches, no slamming doors, and nothing that could not be discussed, however trivial or difficult.

They figured out early on that being able to talk to one another was the only way that they would ever make a romantic partnership work. That was exactly what it had to be, a partnership. However much that they might joke that she was the boss at work and everything else was a discussion, it was the truth too. The advantages of age, he supposed, they had both already made a lot of mistakes in their personal lives; they wanted to avoid making more. More than that, they were both too important to each other to risk losing. No matter what others might say, they were friends before they began dating, very good friends. They were still friends. The romance had only strengthened that, and that friendship was the foundation for everything else that had evolved between them.

So, while Andy did not like that Sharon was angry with him, he was not overly worried about it. That was not to be mistaken with not being sorry that he made her angry. He knew they would discuss it when she was ready, and there was nothing for him to be concerned about until that discussion took place. What surprised him was how long it was taking her to be ready.

Sharon was on day two of not speaking to him.

In the initial aftermath of the explosion in the murder room, Andy left Ortiz in patrol's custody and made his way back across the street. By that point, everyone was being evacuated from the building while the bomb squad looked for any other evidence containing one of Ortiz's bombs. The ninth floor was evacuated first. An area had been taped off in front of the building and paramedics were on scene checking everyone over. Andy found Sharon first, and she assured him again that she was okay, but she was silent as he drove them home later.

Andy wasn't initially concerned about her silence, considering she had almost died twice in just a couple of days. It was a rough case. She would have to process it. He didn't realize that her silence was a product of her anger until he found their bedroom door locked. There was a note taped to the outside of the door.

You know where the linens are.

He tried knocking. She wouldn't answer him. He wasn't an idiot. Andy knew that she was pissed about the idiotic stunt he pulled, as Provenza had called it. His partner had already chewed him out for his little walk across the street. Andy was expecting Sharon to do the same thing, but considering everything that happened, he wasn't surprised that she was waiting until the next day. He figured she would pull him aside when they got back to the PAB and let him have it, as his Captain. Andy knew there would be consequences for his actions. Getting chewed out, possibly even written up, it was worth it. He would do it again.

He never expected to be sleeping on the couch, definitely not for something that he had done at work. Sharon was pretty particular about not bringing work home, and not taking their personal life to work. Yes, there were times when their investigations did come home with them, when they had to bring the paperwork home, and couldn't lose the momentum of a case even though they were off-duty. Those situations couldn't be avoided, but it didn't happen often.

Andy decided she was really pissed at him if she was putting him out for the night. It annoyed him, having to sleep on the couch. Sharon still wouldn't speak to him over breakfast, or during the drive back to work. The pain in his back from a night on the couch, the silence in the car, it was grating on his nerves by the time they got back to the PAB. Andy was ready to have it out and get it over with.

That didn't happen.

Sharon avoided him as much as possible while they sifted through the rubble in the murder room. After her talk with Mason, when he congratulated her on the promotion, she only offered him a cool smile. It made for a hell of a long day. She was chatting affably with the rest of their team, but she barely acknowledged his presence.

She drove herself home that evening. Her car was left in the garage across the street from the PAB overnight, but she retrieved it rather than riding with him again. She was quietly making dinner when Andy joined her. He gave it a couple of hours, but his frustration was getting the better of him. Everyone knew he had a much looser hold on his temper than she did. Dinner that night was an awkward, stilted affair. Rusty would talk to him, at least.

The kid knew something was up. After he finished helping clear the table, he tossed Andy a sympathetic look and retreated to his room. Sharon had taken her tea out onto the balcony, rather than curling up on the sofa like they would most evenings. After Andy finished putting away the last of the leftovers, he decided to follow her.

Sharon was at the railing, cup cradled in both hands. He stood a few steps behind her, arms folded across his chest. "We gonna have this out or what?" Impatience leaked in to his tone, despite his best effort to prevent it.

Her head turned. She arched a brow at him. Her eyes narrowed with annoyance before she turned away again. "That would be a mistake," she said.

Andy huffed at her. "Really? So much for your rules then, huh? What happened to not mixing professional and personal?" He swung his hand back toward the interior of the condo when he continued, "Never figured I'd get put on the couch for something my Commanding officer was torqued off about."

Sharon exhaled quietly. Her head bowed for just a moment. "Okay," she said quietly. She turned and took just a few steps to the side, where she placed her cup on the table. Her tongue swept across her lips as she moved back to stand in front of him. Her arms folded across her chest. "Let's be very clear about one thing, your commanding officer is more than simply torqued off at you at present." She spoke quietly; each word was carefully formed and enunciated. Sharon pointed a finger at him as she spoke, "Believe me, that conversation is coming, and as soon as the paperwork is signed, that write-up will be placed in your personnel jacket. What you have, quite obviously, failed to realize is that your actions at work have a very serious effect on our personal life. That you have not arrived at that conclusion concerns me even more than the fact that, as your commanding officer, I can no longer trust one of my senior lieutenants, and I am going to have to write you up for being a complete idiot."

Name-calling wasn't one of her usual habits. He supposed that was why she didn't like to have these conversations when she was angry. Andy tossed his arms in exasperation. "What the hell does any of this have to do with trust, and what does it have to do with us? Hell, Sharon! I did what I had to do, and I would do it again. It's what any one of you would have done if you could have. Ortiz didn't know me."

She held up a hand. "No." Her jaw clenched for just a moment. Sharon shook her head. "We will discuss that when your commanding officer is prepared to deal with you. What it has to do with us…" She shook her head at him. Sadness replaced the anger that was in her gaze. "Andy… how many times am I going to have to sit in the ICU praying for you to wake up before your complete disregard for yourself and everyone in your life gets you killed?" Before he could answer, she swept her hands through her hair. "Getting hurt on the job isn't something that either of us can predict or always avoid. But you knew the medication that you were on after they found that clot was having an effect, and you didn't say anything. You were having chest pain and shortness of breath for two days before you had the heart attack, and you didn't say anything. You have been on desk duty for a reason, and in a second, while everyone was occupied you made a decision to put yourself into the field and confront a madman. Yes, fine, the heart attack was related to the original injury, but it was precipitated by stress. Your doctors haven't found any more clots, but your blood pressure still runs toward the high side of normal." She closed her eyes and pressed her fingers against them. Sharon exhaled again. "I have to know," she said quietly, "that I can trust you aren't going to run off and get yourself killed when my back is turned, and right now that trust is gone. You are a liability right now. I can't have you in the field. I know you hate it. I hate that I've had to bench you, but I have to think about our team as a whole. I can't make decisions that affect them because I know that you're unhappy. You are being written up because you disobeyed your medical status." Sharon rubbed her temples. There was an ache behind her eyes. "I put you on the couch because if you insist on forcing me to live without you one day, I've got to get used to sleeping alone again."

This wasn't the response that Andy was expecting from her. He shifted where he stood. His gaze dropped to the terrace floor. He scratched his thumb across his forehead and took a deep breath. He wasn't hurt. Going across the street to deal with Ortiz was no harder than dealing with a dirtbag in the interview room, or court. He had backup. It wasn't as if he had gone off half-cocked without someone to back him up. Andy shook his head slowly. "You know," he began carefully, "walking over to city hall and handling that situation with Ortiz was nothing compared to having to watch two bombs go off where you are." When Andy looked up at her again, it was to find that her hands had dropped. Her expression was still pained. His eyes were burning with all of the fear and the anger that those moments had produced. "You're mad about what I did and what it might've done to my blood pressure," he said thickly, "but you haven't asked about what the other did. You're not the only one that's had a couple of really bad days, Sharon." He took a step forward, and when she flinched back from him, his jaw clenched. Sharon didn't like to be touched when she was overly emotional. Especially when anger was the most predominant thing that she was feeling. He sighed again. All he wanted to do was hold her after everything that they had been through, and not being able to was the hardest part of knowing that she was upset with him. "Twice in almost as many days I've had to hold my breath and beg any God that would listen to grant us mercy while I waited for someone to tell me if you were alive or dead. Nothing else that has happened this week even comes close."

Sharon looked down. She rubbed her lips together and drew a quiet breath. She blinked away the tears that were stinging her eyes. "I know," she whispered. She had worried about that. She had checked on him after the explosion in the cemetery, and she was relieved that he was okay, that all of them were okay, after the explosion in the murder room. Ironically, in a way, he was safer across the street. When Sharon looked up at him again, she offered him a sad smile. Her emotions were not entirely rational at present. "That's why I wasn't ready to talk about it yet." She wrapped her arms around her body and shrugged at him. "I promised myself that I would never speak to someone that I love in anger again. I need a little more time, Andy."

They had, neither of them, come into this relationship with entirely clean pasts. They both bore the emotional scars of the lives they had lived, mistakes they had made. Jack had been a terrible husband, a deadbeat who had walked out on her and their kids, but Andy knew that Sharon blamed herself for her part in that failed marriage. She had taken responsibility for all that she had done wrong. One of those failures was the shouting matches, words spoken in anger and hate, things that her children had heard despite her best efforts. It was why she waited until her anger had passed to discuss anything, be that with him or her children.

Andy sighed. He supposed that his impatience had forced this confrontation. "Oh," he replied, and offered a shrug.

"Hm." Sharon managed another small, but sad smile.

He scrubbed his hand across his face. "So, I'm still on the couch?"

She felt terrible about that, but she had to separate herself from him to be able to separate her emotions. She was furious with him on two fronts, and she was working through all of those emotions. His boss was going to deal with him, but she could not allow that to influence how she dealt with him on a personal level. Coupled with everything else that had happened over the past few days, it was much harder for her to sort through all of the emotions that she was feeling. She had almost died, twice. She had almost lost her team. People that she cared about. Andy had pulled his stunt, and her son had seen her almost killed, and then she had been promoted. She was reeling from it all.

At the end of the day, she would not allow those emotions to impact how she handled their situation. She loved him. She knew who Andy was when they began dating. She knew who he was when he moved in with her, and when she agreed to marry him, she knew this man would infuriate her at times, but he would make her laugh, and he would make her happy, and she would still love him through it all.

Her head tilted. "Yes," she said quietly, eyes damp with tears she wouldn't allow to fall. "For now."

Andy watched her for a moment longer. Finally he nodded. "Yeah, okay," he spoke on a sigh. He took another step forward and broached the distance between them. His hand moved in to her hair to grip the back of her head. Andy dropped a kiss to her forehead. Then he tipped her head back. He looked into her eyes. He could see it all. The sadness, the fear, and the anger. He could see the love too, mingled with sorrow. He kissed the tip of her nose. "Just don't take too long, alright? My back can't take it."

Her eyes closed. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Hm. Soon, I promise." She tugged on the edge of his shirt. "Thank you." She knew that she frustrated him at times. Loving her wasn't always easy. He did it. He accepted her as she was, and didn't expect her to change, just as she would never try to change him. Loving him even meant loving his idiotic, heroic machoism.

"Yeah." He grumbled as he turned to go back inside. "You can thank me by rubbing my back sometime soon." That couch wasn't fitting to be slept on, and she knew it. They were going to have to get a new one. They had put off getting a house indefinitely. They were going to be in the condo for at least another year, if not longer.

Andy moved through the apartment and got the linens out to make up the couch again. Then he took a shower and got ready for bed. Sharon must have come in while he was doing that. The light on the balcony was off and she had dimmed the lights in the outer rooms. Their bedroom door was closed again. He sighed. It was going to be another long night.

He settled on the couch. He found a sports channel that was playing highlights of the Dodgers' last few games and watched that for a while. Then he changed the channels until he found an old black and white mystery playing. It was a movie that he must have seen a hundred times during his life, but it was a good one. Andy let it play quietly while he settled down. Eventually his eyes grew tired and heavy, and he began to doze.

Andy was jostled awake sometime later. He grunted when an elbow dug into his side. A body settled onto the sofa with him. Sharon nestled herself between him and the back of the sofa and lay half sprawled atop him. He hummed as he curled his arm around her. Andy pressed a kiss against her hair, while she got comfortable, snuggled in to him, with her head resting against his chest. "S'late," he admonished gently, voice thick with sleep.

"I know." She hadn't slept at all. Sharon hadn't slept much the night before either. It was difficult to quiet her mind when there were so many thoughts and emotions swirling about inside of it. She wasn't being flippant earlier either, sleeping without him was difficult now. She had gotten used to having him beside her, the quiet sound of his snoring, and the heat of his body. It was a comfort to her. Sharon turned her head inward and pressed her lips against his chest, just above his heart. She could feel it beating beneath her cheek, steady and strong. She hummed quietly. "I can live without you," she said softly. "I know how to do that. I don't want to, Andy." Sharon laid her head against his chest again. "I know that you will do this again. It's just who you are. It's part of what I love about you, but it's always going to drive me crazy… because the idea of losing you is terrifying. I don't need you, Andy. I want you. That feeling is far more powerful."

She was perfectly content with her life as it was. She was not lonely or longing for companionship. He came into her life, bringing laughter and joy, and so many complications. Yes, she hesitated at first. She was not a woman that needed a man to make her happy, and her relationship track record wasn't exactly great. Neither was his. The more she came to know him, however, the more she cared about him. She was physically attracted to him too. Then somewhere along the line she realized that she had fallen in love with him, the man who had become her best friend. He was still her best friend, the person that she confided in first. The person that made her laugh, but also had the power to make her cry, and she didn't cry often or easily.

"The idea of losing you doesn't do a whole lot for me either," Andy told her. He knew that she had to be strong. That she would go on without him. People relied on her, and then there were her kids. Andy didn't expect her to pine for him when he was gone. That wasn't who Sharon was. It was her strength that had drawn him to her; it was one of the things that he loved about her. He didn't have that kind of strength. Andy knew that he wouldn't survive losing her. Yeah, he'd do his best, but he knew he wouldn't last long. Without Sharon, there wasn't a whole lot left for him. He had his kids, but they didn't need him. It was different for him. Sharon's kids needed her. He swallowed past the sudden painful lump in his throat. The arm that was wrapped around her lifted. Andy combed his fingers through her hair. "We can't make promises, you know that."

"I know," she whispered. Anything could happen and at any time, they had learned that all too well this past year. "I will love you as long as I have you, Andy. I will love you when you're gone. I would just like to believe that you wouldn't do anything to rush that." Sharon turned her face into his chest again and closed her eyes. "You will, and it is frustrating. It's instinct. You're a protector. It is what has made you so good at your job. I won't ask you to change, Andy. You wouldn't be the man I love if you didn't do those things. All I ask is that you try and remember that there are people in your life that like having you around. People that would be less without you." Sharon lifted her head. Her eyes were bright and damp with emotion. "I can live without you," she repeated thickly, "but I would not be unscathed. When you go, you are going to take a part of me with you."

His hand swept her hair back from her face. Andy tucked it behind her ear and gently cupped her cheek. "You know, you'd survive, but I wouldn't," he said gruffly, "so going anywhere without you is the last thing on my mind." His thumb traced her bottom lip. "Twice the last couple of days, I almost lost you. My heart stopped both times. I know that you don't need to be protected. You do just fine protecting everyone around you. You're stronger than all of us. Doesn't change that I just wanted to pull you away from all of it and put you somewhere safe."

"I know." She pressed her face into his hand and let her lips touch his palm. "It's that stupid machoism again." He tried very hard, but at the end of the day, there was a part of him that wanted to get between her and any dangers. She had seen it a few times, watched him struggle with it. It was annoying, but that he managed most of the time to overcome it was appreciated. It was a product of their relationship, and one of the things they both struggled with in balancing their work and personal life. "I am sorry that this was so difficult."

"I'm sorry that I scared you," he told her. Andy pulled her back down against him. He wrapped both of his arms around her. His lips touched the top of her head. "I'll try not to, but you're right, I don't always think first. It's the job, Sharon. We knew that."

"Yes we did," she agreed. "This was never going to be easy." They were both always going to worry. That was the price they paid for loving and working together. "I'm still going to have to write you up," she told him.

"Yeah. I know." Andy expected that. Even if it had worked out, he had gone against orders. The rules were the rules. "It was still worth it."

Sharon sighed. "I know." She hummed again. "Just don't say that when I write you up, okay?"

"I will do my best Cap—er—Commander." That was still taking some getting used to. She had been a Captain for so long that it was second nature. They both grew silent. He continued to hold her. His hand stroked gently up and down her back. "You know," he said after a few minutes. "New title… it's as good a time as any for a new name."

She rolled her eyes at him, even if he couldn't see it. Sharon sat up carefully and moved off the couch. "Come to bed," she said, and held out her hand.

Andy's eyes narrowed. She wasn't kidding around with Mike when she told him that the name change was still under discussion. She was being oddly resistant to the idea. There was a part of him that understood it. She had built her career on the name Raydor. Still, there was a part of him that it was driving absolutely crazy to think that she would marry him and keep her ex-husband's name. He took her hand and pushed himself up off the couch. Andy wrapped his arm around her shoulders as they walked down the hall together. "You wouldn't really do that to me, would you?"

"Andy." Sharon shook her head at him. "There are a lot of things to think about. You wouldn't really ask me to give up my professional identity, would you?" She curled her arm around his waist and leaned in to his side. "You know, we have time to figure it out." There were a lot of factors to take in to consideration. Most of them professional. She had absolutely every intention of changing her name on a personal level, but there were not a lot of people that would know her as Mrs. Flynn. "We aren't getting married until the Fall," she reminded him.

He grunted at her. They stopped at their bedroom door and Andy looked down at her. "You know that it's absolutely killing my macho side, don't you?"

"Yes." She smiled sweetly at him. "I know. Luckily, you love me anyway."

"Yeah, I do." His head lowered and a light kiss was shared between them. "Only heaven knows why," he teased.

Sharon groaned as she pushed him away from her, and in to their room. "Oh go to bed, you old, macho, pain in my—"

Andy caught her arm and pulled her with him. "Not without you, sweetheart."

She chuckled quietly. "We both slept alone for decades. You would think that we could manage a couple of days…"

"Things change," he replied. They got settled in bed, and his back practically tingled with relief at being able to rest against the familiar mattress. Andy lay on his side and pulled Sharon against him, so that her back was against his chest. He would wake up in the morning facing the wall with her curled against his back, he knew, but for now this was perfectly comfortable.

"Yes they do," she murmured.

Their lives had changed quite a lot when they began spending time together. Now they were changing again. Things were shifting around them, personally and professionally, and she couldn't promise that all of it would be good. She could promise that he wouldn't be alone. She would be beside him for as long as she was able. They could make any number of other promises, but these were all that either of them could keep. It would have to be enough. If it wasn't, they would talk their way through it.

At the end of the day, everything was a discussion.

~End