Sometimes life can be perplexed, before it seems you won't miss certain things, but if you loose it, if only for a very short second, you come to realize you can't live with out it, not even for a day. That's how it was with Olivia, she was the one person in my life I thought would always be there. Maybe I took her for granted, or maybe I just plain made a mess of things, I don't know, but one day I woke up, and realized she was no longer there. Not by my own fault or hers. The decision was made for us. Now I spend most of my time trying to remember the little things, like the way her hair falls in her face when she's frustrated, the look she has on her face when you know she's solved a case, her smile, how she always kept track of the victims she dealt with, but most of all her, I never want to forget a thing about her, she was my one and only, and now I've lost her.
I try to act normal, like I'm getting over her, but that's mostly for my own sanity and for my own safety. If anyone here really knew me or saw me hurting like I was, questions would start to be asked. I try to make "Emily" not traumatized by my problems, I'm trying to be strong, I guess I'm doing a good job because "she" doesn't seem to know how much I'm hurting.
Every night I pray and try to make a deal with God, I pray that if he'll give me the strength to find my way back to Liv, or for her to find me, I would never ask for anything again, everything else in my life I could make happen by myself, but it never happens, and I'm sure God has her reasons. I wish that just once she would come though, just this one time and I would be happy. This is the one thing that I truly need her help on, bur for some reason she never listens. Maybe she listens, bust doesn't give me the answer I want, I guess this is something I to do on my own, a decision I have to make on my own. Does God not know how many times I've picked up the phone to call her? Or how many one-way tickets to New York I've almost bought? Even when I know I can't, I still want to hear her voice or go home to her. After all this time I don't even know what I would say, what do you say to the person you love and left? How do you apologize for breaking her heart? Even if it was unintentional. Where do you find the words to say, Webster isn't much help on this subject. It's ironic, I make a living using my ability to manipulate people into believing even the untrue, but I don't know what to say to the one person who I need the most.
She's it, she all I need to make my life worth living, and for that one moment in time she was mine, I even planned on making her mine forever, but once again, I failed. That's the hardest part about trying to move on with out her is knowing how closed I was. I've almost had myself convinced that I could live with out her that I'd moved on. "Emily" had a new girlfriend, but something was missing, and as hard as I tried, the hole that had formed in my heart when I left, was still there. I thought, given time, it would grow smaller, but it never did, it was always there prodding at my feelings trying to make its way to the surface. Maybe that's what happened, maybe that's why I'm here, after all these years. Maybe that's how I finally found my way back home.
Now what do I do? I found the courage somehow to get on the plane and make my way back to your apartment, I'm so close to you, but I've never felt so far away, all of my apprehensions quickly rush to the surface as I reach to knock on the door. I don't think I ever been more terrified in my life, in the next split second my whole life could change. Everything I've ever wanted could come true, or I could loose the last bit of Olivia I've been trying so desperately to hold on to.
She opens the door, I expect her to yell, and faint, or even ask if I was real, but she doesn't she just stares at me. No words are needed; we both know what we are thinking. I plead with her searching deep in my heart for the right words, but never breaking her stare. Her eyes tell me everything, they tell me that's she missed me and has been waiting for this day just like I have.
We still haven't found the words to say. So we don't speak, not a word is said, but somehow we get what needs to be said, said. All the hatred and heartbreak is over as her lips curl up slightly and she realizes that I'm really here. A sing tear rolls down her cheek; I wipe her tear away with my thumb and pull her into my arms. Once again, she's in my arms where she belongs and always has. With four simple words, my life was whole once again,
"I love you, Alex"
Life threw us a curveball but somehow we managed to make it though, and we always will.