Homer the Cop
Disclaimer: All Simpsons characters are owned by Matt Groening.
One day Homer Simpson was shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart. As he was leaving he saw a police car with the door wide open and the keys still in the ignition. He began to get a crazy idea. He hopped into the car and took off.
"So long suckers!" he shouted to no one in particular as he was driving the stolen vehicle.
Meanwhile, Chief Clancy Wiggum was coming out of the Kwik-E-Mart with a hot dog, some nachos and a squishy. "Oh no! Someone has stolen my vehicle!" he cried when he noticed his cop car was gone.
As Homer was driving in the stolen car, he pulled out his cell phone and called his good friend Barney Gumble.
"Hey, Barney!"
"How's it going, Homer?"
"You know what would be a cool idea?"
"What?" Homer then began to tell Barney his plan.
The next Sunday, Homer was sitting in the stolen police car in the parking lot of the church waiting for Ned Flanders to come out. He was also wearing a fake cop uniform he had purchased from a costume shop. As soon as Ned Flanders stepped out of the church, Homer smiled wickedly.
Time for my plan to go into action Homer thought to himself.
But instead of going straight toward his car, Ned stopped to talk to Reverend Lovejoy.
"Hey, Reverend," said Ned.
"Hello, Ned. How can I help you?"
"I need to go to the confession box. I accidentally stepped on Maude's flowers yesterday."
Lovejoy groaned. Oh great! he thought sarcastically. Now I'll have to listen to him ramble for thirty minutes. "Very well, Ned. Let's go to the confession box."
Why the hell is he going back inside the church? Church is over, right? thought Homer.
Homer waited inside the stolen cop car for another twenty-five minutes before Ned came out again. Homer saw Ned get into his car and start the ignition.
Finally Homer thought as he started to follow Ned.
Just at that moment, Snake came dashing out of the church holding some money. "Sayonara, dudes!" said Snake running as fast as he could away from the church.
"Help! Help!" shouted Helen Lovejoy. "He's getting away with our collection money. Stop him!" Helen Lovejoy ran right in front of the cop car Homer was driving.
"Out of the way, lady," Homer shouted swerving around Mrs. Lovejoy.
Homer continued to follow Ned and started fiddling with the buttons trying to figure out how to turn on the sirens. "Now which button could it be?"
They entered onto a bridge that passed over a body of water. Then they came up to a stop light that turned red. Homer was behind Ned in the right lane, and there was a car right beside Ned in the left lane. Hans Moleman was the driver of that car. A school bus came to a stop right behind Hans Moleman. The bus driver rolled down his window to say hi to Homer.
"Hey! What's goin' on, Homer?" It was Otto.
"How ya doin', Otto my man?"
"Oh, can't complain. Principal Skinner's making me test drive the bus today to make sure it works right." Then the light turned green. "Well, see ya later." As Homer continued to follow Flanders, Otto hit the pedal really hard and knocked Hans Moleman's car off the bridge.
"Oh, now you've done it!" cried Hans Moleman as he plunged into the water and then drowned to his death.
Homer completely ignored Otto's reckless driving, focusing his attention on getting Ned. "Come on!" cried Homer. "Which button is it?" After toying around with the buttons some more, Homer eventually figured out how to turn on the sirens. At the time Homer figured out how to turn on his sirens, they were right by the Kwik-E-Mart. Ned pulled his car into the parking lot of the Kwik-E-Mart when he saw blue lights flashing behind him. Both men exited their cars to exchange words.
"Oh hey, Homey. I didn't know you became a cop."
"Yeah well I did. Anyway, I pulled you over because I caught you going 36 mph in a 35 mph zone."
"Really?" asked Ned. "My speedometer said I was only going 33 mph."
"Yeah, well your speedometer was wrong."
"Well I don't suppose you could let me off the hook with just a warning this one time, could you?"
"Well gee Flanders, I'd really love to … wanna help you out. But I'm afraid there's a new policy."
"So you will have to write me a ticket after all then."
"I'm afraid it's much worse than that," Homer explained.
"Well, what's the penalty?"
"I'm afraid the new penalty for speeding is…," Homer began to say. But some really loud noises coming from the alley on the side of the Kwik-E-Mart made it difficult for Ned to hear Homer.
"What?" said Ned.
"I said the new penalty for speeding is…," Homer started to say again. But again the loud noises from the side of the Kwik-E-Mart kept making it impossible for Ned to hear Homer. "I'll be right back," said Homer who decided to investigate the noises.
Homer walked toward the alleyway on the side of the Kwik-E-Mart. By the dumpster he saw Jimbo Jones and Kearney who had Milhouse tied to a rocket ship and had duct tape on his mouth.
"What's goin' on back here?" Homer demanded to know. He saw Milhouse squirming as if trying to ask Mr. Simpson for help.
"Not much," Kearney replied nervously.
"Uhhhhh, we're playin' a game," Jimbo Jones answered.
"Oh yeah? What game?" Homer demanded to know. Milhouse continued to try to get Mr. Simpson's help but to no avail.
"Uhhh, Rocket Man," Jimbo answered.
"Well keep it down. I'm trying to write somebody a ticket."
"Yes, sir," replied Kearney.
Homer returned back to Ned Flanders. "As I was saying, I'm afraid this is the new penalty for speeding." Homer then spoke into his walky-talky. Barney Gumble then pulled a cement truck in front of Ned Flanders's car.
"Oh no! Not my new car!" he pleaded.
A liquid then began pouring out the back of the slide onto the hood of Ned Flanders's car. However, instead of releasing cement mixer, the truck poured out a clear substance.
"Oh thank goodness. You know for a moment I thought you were going to pour cement mixer onto my car."
"Mr. Simpson, help!" shouted Milhouse as he was being blasted into the sky.
"Have fun at Mars, dude!" shouted Kearney. Jimbo and Kearney both laughed.
"I told you two to keep it down," Homer scolded them. Then Homer returned his attention to Ned's car. He lit a match and threw the match onto the hood of the car, causing the car to set on fire. "By the way, that was gasoline, not cement mixer," explained Homer.
"Well at least I took my credit card and laptop computer out of the car before you set it on fire."
"Yoink!" said Homer grabbing said items from Ned Flanders and throwing them into the fire.
"Well have a good day," said Homer getting back into his police car and driving away.
The burning car caught Apu's attention. When he looked out he saw Homer and the cop car he was driving. That car looks a lot like the one Chief Wiggum drives. Maybe I should report this to him.
Ned had to walk home the rest of the way. Fortunately his house wasn't too far from the church. "Gosh-dang-darn-diddly-arn. Why can't I just drive the darn speed limit?" Ned asked himself while walking home.
When Ned got home, he took a look at the insurance he had purchased for the car Homer had set on fire. After carefully reading over the terms of his insurance, a huge smile formed across his face.
The next day Homer received a phone call from the police station, requesting him to come over immediately. So he went to the police station. Chief Clancy Wiggum was sitting behind the desk.
"What did you need to see me about?" stammered Homer Simpson.
"Simpson, this morning Apu called me and showed me this video footage of you driving my police car and setting someone else's car on fire."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said nervously.
"I'm talking about this." Chief Wiggum showed Homer the video.
"Oh that wasn't me. That was … uh … my evil twin. Yeah, that's who it was."
"Well, Simpson, I'm not sure if you're telling the truth. But I guess I'll have to let you off the hook since we can't prove you wrong. Now I'll just sit back, relax, and have my last donut."
Chief Wiggum reached into his box, but it was empty. "My donut! My sprinkled donut! What happened to my last sprinkled donut? Who could have possibly taken it?" the police officer cried, clearly upset.
"Wasn't me," claimed Homer who clearly had chocolate icing and sprinkles on his lips.
"Alright Simpson. That'll be 30 years in the slammer for you," cried an outraged Chief Clancy Wiggum.
"Wait. Don't I get a trial first?" pleaded Homer.
"Oh, a wise guy, eh?" Chief Clancy Wiggum then thrusted his police officer's club into Homer's stomach and forced him into a cell.
"This isn't fair! How come I get in trouble and nothing happens to Barney Gumble?"
Meanwhile, some prankster has thrown a match inside the cement truck setting the vehicle on fire with Barney still trapped inside.
"Ha! Ha!" laughed Nelson Muntz as he watched Barney Gumble burn to his death.
Homer didn't think this day could possibly get any worse for him. After all, he had just been sentenced to 30 years in prison. So how could things possibly get any worse? As if to answer the question, Chief Clancy Wiggum returned to Homer's cell 3 hours later. "Simpson, you have a visitor."
Ned Flanders then entered the room. "Hey Homey."
"Oh. Hello Flanders," grumbled Homer. "What do you want?"
"Well I just wanted to come by to say thanks."
"What do you mean?"
"Well remember that time that tornado destroyed my home and I had a hard time getting back on my feet because I didn't have house insurance? Well I've learned my lesson, and now I get insurance on everything. I purchased extra car insurance, and it just so happens my extra car insurance lets me get a new car for free if it gets destroyed. So now I have a new and even better car because of the extra insurance I purchased."
"I see," grumbled Homer clearly irritated by Ned's good fortune.
"I also purchased laptop insurance that covers someone destroying it. So Best Buy gave me an even better laptop computer. And that credit card, it turns out it was expired. So I didn't need it anyway. Well, may the Lord bless you on this wonderful day."
Ned Flanders then left the room. Homer's face began turning red. "RRRRAAARRRRGGGHHH!" cried an angry Homer who then punched one of the prison bars of his cell.
"OWWWWWWWWWWW!" yelled Homer rubbing his injured hand.
Edited on 02/03/2012: I decided to add a few scenes to this story, namely the scenes with Snake stealing the collection money, Otto's reckless driving, and Jimbo and Kearney tying up Milhouse. I know this story only gets about 10 hits a month, but I thought these scenes would be a nice touch anyway. I hope this makes it better.
Author's note: When Ned talks about how he didn't have house insurance when the tornado hit, this is a reference to the episode Hurricane Neddy.