Disciplinary actions at Hogwarts to be revised
June 3rd, 2003
Acknowledging the wishes of teachers, students and parents, the Hogwarts Board of Governors has decided to revise the disciplinary system of the largest magical school in Britain.
For many years now, Argus Filch, 67, Hogwarts' custodian and disciplinarian, has practiced measures such as hanging students in chains in the dungeons, applying thumbscrews, and locking students in a small coffin overnight. Especially the use of thumbscrews in punishing and disciplining the children has been heavily criticized by staff and parents alike.
"No, of course don't like it!" Alecto Carrow, Professor for Muggle Studies at Hogwarts said in an interview with the Daily Prophet. "The students are hardly able to write any essays anymore because their thumbs are so mutilated. I can hardly do my job anymore!"
Titus Brawnley, CEO of Brawnley's & co. Most Excellent Magical Estates, concerned parent, and member of the Board of Governors had the following to say about this long-awaited revision of this aspect of Hogwarts' school system:
"We have read your complaints and weighed our options carefully. After many long meetings, we have unanimously decided to acknowledge the Board's mistake and we hereby forbid the use of thumbscrews for disciplining Hogwarts' students."
Is this the end of the school's lauded education system, many parents may ask? Brawnley assures us it is not:
"No no, not at all. We will keep our policy and vision of raising the children to be disciplined, obedient, and hardworking members of society. I tell you, when I was a lad, I received a good spanking myself, when my father saw fit. It made me the successful, happy man I am today, and I will continue to pass on this gift to future generations."
This isn't the first time complaints have been filed against Argus Filch. One might remember a similar incident in 2001, when many Hogwarts students were unable to pass their exams. The four students in question were unable to write, due to their broken wrists.
"What's his obsession with hands anyway?" Carrow asks. "Honestly, there are more ways of teaching those kids a lesson than just mutilating their hands and arms. Let him use his Medieval expertise on other body parts!"