Nothing is mine! Nothing! This is just madness! Madness inspired by the episode Hobo 13! MADNESS!
Plan Number 32 Has Failed
"Ding Dong! Zim is dead!" Purple sang and danced gleefully on the Massive. "Dead, dead, deady dead!"
"I knew that if we kept trying sooner or later we'd get rid of Zim!" Red said cheerfully as he poured himself of sparkling nectar. "Okay it took 32 times but Operation Get Rid of Zim is finally a success!"
"Oh I can just feel the tension just tingling away from my spine," Purple sighed. "This calls for a celebration!"
"Forget the celebration! This calls for a full on, complete three day weekend holiday!" Red whooped. "In fact the entire empire will celebrate the death of Zim!"
"Yeah and all we had to do was sacrifice one of our ships and let it get burned up into the largest star in the nebula," Purple shrugged. "But hey, it was worth it!"
"It was also a brilliant idea to tie up that little worm Bob and dump him on the ship as well," Red smirked. "If I do say so myself."
"Yeah now we don't have to pay the little jerk the six million moneys we owe him," Purple nodded. "Good plan Red."
"Thank you," Red grinned. "Oh now what are we going to name our new national holiday? Zim's Death Day or Burned Up Zim Day?"
"Don't know," Purple said. "What would be a more catchy phrase to use on greeting cards and stuff?"
"Better get the guys in advertising on this one," Red thought. "We're going to spend a fortune on the biggest, loudest, most snack-tacular ever! It's worth it to never hear another call from Earth again!"
"Sir, we're getting a transmission from Earth!" An Irken called out
"No! It can't be!" Red twitched in horror.
"Let's not jump to conclusions!" Purple reassured him. "Maybe it's just that stupid little robot he's got?"
"Yes…Yes that could happen," Red nodded hopefully. "It's possible right?"
"Yeah I mean come on, that ship was programmed to fly into a freaking star and all our sensors indicate that it did!" Purple said. "No way he could have survived that!"
"But why would that stupid robot call?" Red was worried.
"Maybe it got bored and wants it's clown taquito thing?" Purple said. "No point in delaying it. Patch it through."
"Hello!" Gir was on screen. "Where's my taquitos! Headless clown! I want a headless clown!"
"Oh it is just the robot," Red breathed a sigh of relief.
"See? What did I tell you?" Purple said. "That's not Zim."
"Oh you want Master? Okay! Hey Master! The skinny weirdoes want to talk to you!" Gir yelled.
"AAAAHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Both Red and Purple screamed in horror when they saw Zim's slightly smoky form.
"Greetings my Tallest! Uh sorry about my appearance. There was a slight accident with the new ship you gave me," Zim coughed. "Apparently the controls had some kind of problem when they froze up. They warmed up eventually when the ship hit this really big flaming star…"
"Zim! How did you survive?" Red yelled. "We saw your ship get…It's impossible!"
"I thank you for your concern my tallest. Fortunately I still had my Voot Cruiser and we were able to escape," Zim said.
"We?" Purple asked.
"Yes, me and my new assistant you assigned me!" Zim said happily. "Oh I think he wants to speak to you."
"WHERE'S MY SIX MILLION MONEYS?" Bob yelled as he stormed into view. He was also singed. "YOU OWE ME SIX MILLION MONEYS!"
"My clown!" Gir jumped on top of Bob. "Hey! He's not headless!"
"I can't believe you tried to kill me instead of paying me the moneys you owe me!" Bob shouted. "Oh wait! Yes I can!"
"I got my clown! Now where are my taquitos?" Gir asked. He started to slap his hands on Bob's head like bongos. "BABBALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"YOU JERKS ARE SO GOING TO GET IT!" Bob screamed at them. "WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I AM GONNA SUE YOU FOR EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE!"
"Git along little clown! Ride 'em cowboy! Yeeehaaaaa!" Gir kept whacking Bob and rode him around the room. "Ride my clown!"
"He doesn't seem to be much of an invader does he?" Zim blinked.
"Uh Bob is very new," Purple gulped. "He just got promoted!"
"Yes! Promoted to Assistant Invader!" Red agreed.
"He saw your training on Hobo 13 and was very impressed!" Purple covered. "He rooted for you so we thought that it would be appropriate for you to train him."
"Yes! Train him! Train him as hard as you would like," Red nodded furiously.
"Yeah really hard and if he happens to you know, not make it or die a horrible death that's okay!" Purple added. "I mean that's what training does. Weeds the weak from the strong. You can't make something that's made of eggs without breaking the eggs now can you?"
"Oh I see what's happening here…" Zim thought.
"You do?" Red gulped.
"This is another test isn't it!" Zim snapped his fingers. "You want to see how good I am as a commander so you gave me one of your weakest recruits so I can whip him into shape!"
"Okay we'll go with that," Purple said.
"I see now! The better I train Bob! The better quality of troops and soldiers placed under my command!" Zim was ecstatic. "Yes! Finally an opportunity for Zim to prove his leadership skills!"
"Yes, just like the same skills you showed on Hobo 13 where you horribly betrayed and used your team to selfishly get yourself through the tests," Red said. "I mean yeah prove those leadership skills! Tallest out!"
"I should have known that stupid Zim would have figured out a way to survive!" Purple grumbled. "Maybe he can do something useful and kill off that moron Bob?"
"Maybe. He's killing my will to live," Red sighed. He went to the wall of the Massive and started to bang his head against it. "I…HATE…ZIM…SO…MUCH!"
"Oh my tension is coming back into my spine…" Purple moaned.
The next day…
"Okay so which planet are we invading today?" Purple asked Red as they stood on the Massive looking at a map.
"I think we're supposed to help Invader Dif complete operations on Planet Spoodle," Red told him. "According to the sensors there's only one large life form on that planet but it's a big one. Hasn't been able to find it for some reason."
"How big could it be if he can't see it? Ready the ships and…" Red began when some kind of ringing sounded.
"My Tallest, we're getting a communication from Earth," An Invader told them.
"Already?" Purple asked.
"Maybe Zim killed Bob?" Red asked. "I mean you have to admit the little squirt really didn't stand much of a chance."
"Put it on," Purple sighed. "And tell Dif to go ahead and start the invasion without us. I mean if there's only one life form on a planet how hard can it be to invade?"
They opened up the communication from Earth. On screen was a battered Bob who was very angry. "WHAT THE FLORK KIND OF CRAZY PLANET IS THIS?" Bob screamed. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT FALLS FROM THE SKY ON THIS WORLD? AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON WHAT PASSES FOR FOOD ON THIS INSANE POLLUTED MUDBALL!"
"Oh Bob you're still alive," Purple sighed. "I know I usually don't want an answer to this question but where's Zim?"
"He's out. I fed him some line about me giving you reports from now on as part of my 'Invader Training' duties!" Bob mocked. "Trying to throw me into a sun wasn't enough for you wasn't it? You had to try and get Zim to wipe me out didn't you?"
"I'm Bloody Gir!" Gir appeared covered in some kind of dripping red stuff. He licked off his fingers. "No wait, that's just barbecue sauce."
"And don't get me started on what Zim is forcing me to do with that…Robot!" Bob twitched as he pointed to Gir. "And that horrible Skool with that insane huge headed maniac with that evil sister that nearly killed me! Just because Zim accidentally blew up her game thingy! If I hadn't found that food tray…"
"Yeah Bob, it's been great chatting with you but I'm going to hang up now," Purple shut off the communicator. "Guess even Zim couldn't kill the little freak in one day."
"Never mind, knowing Zim's pattern Bob will probably shoot himself before the week is over," Red waved. "Now back to the invasion! How's it going?"
"My Tallest, I think you'd better take a look at this," An Invader pointed at the screen.
The Planet Spoodle had a pair of huge red eyes and a huge mouth with very sharp teeth. Teeth which were currently mashing Invader Dif's spacecraft in it's mouth. Dif's dying screams could be heard throughout the Massive.
"Ewww…" Red winced. "That's not a good sign."
"Uh maybe we'll skip that planet for now?" Purple suggested.
Two days later…
"Let me guess, another transmission from Bob from Earth?" Purple sighed as the Tallest were on the Massive. "That's like what? The fifth one in two days?"
"That little squint is almost as annoying as Zim!" Red grumbled. "I've had it with his complaining!"
"To be fair if I had to spend two days with Zim I'd complain too," Purple shrugged. "But yeah he does whine a lot."
Red turned on the communicator ready to give Bob a piece of his mind when he saw Zim. "Zim! Oh I thought it was Bob."
"Oh yes it was my idea to let Bob give you daily reports of his training progress," Zim thought. "But he's not calling now. I am."
"I can see that," Red snarled. "Where is he?"
"Oh I sent him to Torte as per your request," Zim waved.
"You did what?" Red yelled.
"You sent Bob to Torte? The Lawyer Planet?" Purple yelled. "Wait why would Bob want to go to Torte in the first place?"
"It was after some basic training maneuvers. He told me that you ordered him to go to Torte so he could formally push through some paperwork to become an invader and stuff," Zim said. "To be honest I'm not so sure that Bob is Invader material. Don't misunderstand me, I can whip him into shape but it's going to take longer than I anticipated. I mean the guy falls to pieces now at the very mention of the word flame-thrower! He didn't get burned that much!"
"Yeah I'm getting a very clear picture of the situation here," Red put his hand on his head. "We'll talk to you later Zim." He cut the transmission. "Bob's a lot smarter than we thought."
"But why is he on Torte?" Purple asked. "What possible reason could he have to go there?"
"Sir! There's a representative from Planet Torte requesting permission to beam aboard," An Invader told him as a small ship appeared.
"I think we are just about to find out," Red sighed. "Permission granted."
A grey alien in a grey suit and dark glasses beamed down. "For you Tallest," He handed Red an official document. Then he took out a clipboard with some paper. "Sign here please." Red did so. "And here." Red did again. "Thank you! You're being sued! Have a nice day!" He beamed off.
"Sued? Who would sue us?" Purple yelled.
"Bob," Red looked at the summons. "We are being sued by our former tray table."
"Seriously?" Purple looked at the official document.
"Apparently the lawyers on Torte think he has a case," Red groaned. "I guess they consider training with Zim cruel and unusual punishment."
"I don't suppose we can just bomb Torte can we?" Purple moaned.
"Don't you remember your history classes?" Red gave him a look. "Remember what happened when Tallest Olyo tried that? Irk was almost bankrupted! Not to mentionthe invasion failed!"
"Oh yeah," Purple nodded. "Who knew lawyers were such good shots with blaster cannons?"
"Hold on here," Red held up his hand. "We're the Tallest and he's just a lowly little squint wad! I mean we are the rulers of a powerful, ruthless empire and he's just a guy who's head we used to set our drinks on!"
"You're right. I mean he can't actually sue us can he?" Purple asked.
Three court dates and two hearings later on the Planet Judgementia…
"What do you know? I guess he can sue us," Purple's antennae drooped.
"YAY! HA HA HA!" Bob laughed with delight as he rode in a very large spaceship filled to the brim of a of gold coin moneys. "I'M RICH! HA HA HA! NOW PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO GIVE ME MY DRINKS! HA HA HA!"
"I knew they were going to get us on that Zim thing," Red sighed as the Tallest watched Bob enjoy his settlement on the Massive. "That's what put Bob over the top."
"According to the judge's ruling not only did he get six million moneys that you owed him, he also got an additional sixteen million moneys for pain and suffering," An Irken looked over the paperwork told them. "Six more million moneys for trying to get out of a bet. Five million moneys for sending an unauthorized Irken that was not trained as an invader against his will to a hostile planet that had no decent snacks. Sixty million moneys for sending him to be trained as an unauthorized invader by an extremely dangerous and incompetent trainer, AKA Zim. In addition he got an S Class starship to transport his settlement as well as the planet Hobo 13 which is as we speak being transformed from a military training planet into a luxury resort and bed and breakfast planet."
"That part's not so bad…" Purple said.
"Which you two are banned from ever setting foot on, as per the judge's orders," The Irken read on. "It was part of the class action lawsuit that Bob had with those other trainees that were on the planet the same time as Zim and that big soldier guy. He's decided to retire from the military and become Bob's partner and teach aerobics on Thursdays."
"Which took even more money from the treasury," Red moaned. "Nearly bankrupting Irk!"
"Now I get why Tallest Olyo jumped from that window out of that fifty five story building," Purple moaned.
"But it's not a total loss. He did send you something," The Irken said as he looked at the paperwork. "You got the Meat Thirsty Hogulus. It's being transferred to your palace on Irk as we speak."
"And just to bottom this whole day out let's get a shot of the Meat Thirsty Hogulus causing terror on Irk," Red sighed.
"RARRRR!" The monster chased the Irkens on the planet around. It attacked and devoured every Irken that tried to fight it.
"It's already eaten an entire squad of elite soldiers and defenders and is now working on some of our most valuable generals for dessert!" The Irken told them.
"Of course it is," Red sighed. "Oh look there goes General Kri."
CHOMP!
"Well at least we don't have to buy him another hat for his birthday this year," Purple sighed. "Just shut it off. Just…Ohhh…Red I've got even more tension in my spine!"
"I'll get to work on Plan Number 33," Red sighed. "Purple it's your turn to uh…"
"Oh yes…" Purple sighed as he started to bang his head against the wall. "I…Hate…Zim…So…Much!"