Yuffie's Mysterious Materia
By Laguna_Kisaragi
laguna_kisaragi@hotmail.com
Narrator: Just a normal day at Wutai... Everyone's favourite ninja, Yuffie, is lying out the back of her house, soaking some rays, while a shadowed figure perverts on her.
???: Whoa! What a beautiful body!
Yuffie: Eh? Who's there? Shake? Is that you again?
???: -*in a deeper, more mature voice*- Yes, it's me, Shake!
Yuffie: Last time I checked you were a girl...maybe it's a disease short girls get when they've reached puberty
???: ...! -*starts running like Hell*-
Yuffie walks over to the shadowed area and finds a small red and white ball.
Yuffie: It looks like a Materia! But it's made out of metal... Maybe Cloud knows what it is
-*At Cloud's house*-
Cloud: Hmm... It looks like a Materia... But it's made out of metal. I'm stumped. Maybe Barret knows what it is
Yuffie: ...Um...yeah...
-*At the 7th Heaven*-
Barret: Hmm... It looks like a Materia, but it's made outta metal. Dunno... Maybe Tifa knows what it is
Yuffie: -*growl*-
-*At Wall Market*-
Tifa: Hmm... It looks like Materia to me, but it's made out of Metal. Beats me, maybe Vincent knows what it is...
Yuffie: -*mentally*- This is pissing me off!!!
Tifa: Yuffie? You okay?
-*At Vincent's coffin*-
Vincent: Who dares disturb my sleep?
Yuffie: Hey, Vince? Do you know a bit about Materia?
Vincent:...Why?
Yuffie: Take a look at this why doncha?
Vincent: -*Takes a look at the Materia*- It looks to me like -*gets interrupted by Yuffie*-
Yuffie: SHADDUP!!!! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY!!! YOU'RE GONNA SAY SOMETHING LIKE; "It looks to me like Materia. Go ask Reeve because I've never seen anything like this before." AM I RIGHT?!
Vincent: Actually, I was gonna say that it looks to me like you just made this thing out of a ball bearing just to make an excuse to see me and ask me for another date...
Yuffie: -*blushes*- That's not true! And that date thing was for April Fools Day!
Vincent: On Halloween? You asked if I wanted to go Trick or Treating with you...
Yuffie: Well, um... I'll just go see Reeve now, okay? -*Leaves*-
Vincent: -*Keeps his eyes on Yuffie's ass while she walks out and makes sure she's left*- Phew! What a spunky little girl she is! Damn, man! I should've gone with her!
Yuffie stands outside the door hearing all this, but decides to come back later.
-*4 hours later at Yuffie's house*-
Godo: Hey, Yuffie, you missed lunch, but don't worry, dinner's almost done!
Gorky: I can't wait!
Shake: Hey, Dumb-assed Bitch, what's that in your hand?
Godo and Gorky start cracking up.
Yuffie takes out a giant paper fan and whacks the three with it.
Yuffie: It looks like a cross between a Summon Materia and a Support Materia to me, but I'm not sure
Shake: Try summoning something with it
Yuffie: Worth a try, I guess... I SUMMON THE GUARDIAN INSIDE THIS MATERIA!!!
Everyone gasps as a Charmander bursts out of the small, metal orb.
Yuffie: O.O WHAT A REPULSIVE LITTLE THING!!! GO BACK IN GO BACK IN!!!
Charmander: MANDER!!! -*Burns everyone*-
Yuffie reaches her Break Point.
Yuffie: Have some... ALL CREATION!!! -*Smirks as a giant pillar of energy slams itself against Charmander*-
Charmander: -*Returns to it's Pokeball*-
-*The next day*-
Narrator: Yuffie is quietly having Japanese Oden (fish cake kinda thing) by herself. All of a sudden, Reno and Rude barge in, with Elena behind them, her arms crossed in a weird way.
Reno: There it is! -*Grabs the Pokeball*- We found Elena's lost Electric-Inflatable-Fake-Boob!
Yuffie: -*Smirking*- Go ahead and take it, who's stopping you? -*Enlarges it and gives it to them*-
-*A week later*-
Narrator: Yuffie is walking around her room, bored to death as Reno, Rude and Elena barge in again.
Yuffie: What now?
Reno: We just wanna say thanks. We had the ShinRa science department to scientifically implant it into Elena, and now she's perfect! Uh, I mean, in perfect condition! Well, see ya around! We're forever in your debt!
Yuffie: Oh no, the pleasure's mine! -*Shakes Reno's hand*-
Narrator: As the Turks leave the house, Yuffie yells out the words...
Yuffie: I SUMMON THEE TO AID ME IN BATTLE!!!
Narrator: And she starts laughing manically as the Charmander bursts out of Elena's chest like a Chest-Burster from the Alien movies. Reno and Rude quickly carry Elena to a Hospital, oblivious to what just happened. Reno is also too busy to notice his mastered Bio and mastered Quake Materia were gone. Rude also realises his Materia gone, his mastered Restore and mastered Revive Materias to be exact.
Yuffie: All's well that ends well! -*throws a few new Materia up into the air and catches them*-
-*At the 7th Heaven*-
Narrator: Tifa is having a bath as our "Mystery Man" perverts on her
???: Whoa! Bigger than I've ever seen!
Tifa: Huh? Is that you again, Cloud?
???: -*In a girly voice*- Erm... Yeah!
Tifa: Is something wrong...?
~FIN~