Note: Anything in Italics is either what Sasuke meant to say or what he's thinking right then.
Why Sasuke is Emo
"I'm really starting to think the producers hate me."
"Hey Sasuke."
"Oh God!" As Sakura bounded down the hall toward him, Sasuke tried to pretend that he hadn't heard her. Never before had he considered killing another human being but then he started on this show. Sasuke turned the corner and ran to his dressing room, nearly dropping the latest script that he had just received. The script didn't matter. Only getting away from her was important now.
"Made it." Sasuke relaxed on his new couch. "At least I made it away from her. I can't stand…"
Crash! "You know I was a bit cautious about having adjoining dressing rooms when you first started, but now that we're best friends I think it really comes in handy. Did you know that you're door locks when you close it?"
"No I didn't. I'll get that fixed. Its official they hate me."
"Lately I've been having a little trouble with my boyfriend."
"Please let this not be about what I think it's about."
"Naruto's a great guy, and I'm really glad the producers didn't write us as a couple, that can make things weird I hear."
"Really, I wouldn't want that. Yes I do. Because then you wouldn't be hanging all over me constantly."
"Thanks for understanding. Well my problem is that Naruto isn't really fulfilling my needs."
"What?!"
"Well you know he isn't very long and he doesn't really satisfy me that way. You know?"
"That's too bad." What he meant to say was, "No I don't know, and I don't really want to know how big Naruto's penis is!"
"Oh, and to make matters worse, I'm on my period so even if he did satisfy me we couldn't do anything right now."
"Ew! Why did she have to tell me that?"
"And…"
"There's more? Is this chick like a never ending fountain of female problems?"
"…Right now my moods are really out of control. Like earlier today I was talking to him and I just started crying and I couldn't stop it."
"That wasn't bad. Maybe she's winding down."
"But the cramps are the worst part. Really, you have no idea of how much they hurt. Its well like…"
WHOMP! Sakura aimed a punch straight at Sasuke's balls. And in case you were wondering she hit a pair of homeruns.
"It is kind of like that for five straight days."
Mentally Sasuke was in the fetal position rolling around on the ground balling his eyes out, screaming, "This bitch is psycho! Get me out of here." Over and over again. But what he did was much manlier. He just reached down to kind of guard himself from further attacks and calmly stated, "Ouch. I feel sorry for you."
"But at least I have you to talk to. Oh, and my million dollar paycheck to go shoe shopping with."
"Good God! She switches immediately from hitting me in the balls to shoe shopping. She seriously has ADD or something. The only possible correlation between those two subjects I could see is if she kicked me with her new shoes." By now Inner Sasuke was getting pretty pissed.
"Aren't these the most adorable slippers? And these clogs are to die for!"
"Where is she pulling these from? Does she have a hidden stash in my dressing room or something?"
"Sasuke are you listening to me?"
"Oh, defiantly, to die for clogs."
"Good, you know that is one of your huge…"
"Don't say that word."
"Flaws."
"No! Not the dreaded flaws discussion. Every time she talks to me she finds something to complain about."
"You tend to zone out a lot when I talk about shoes."
"I'm sorry about that I've just got a lot on my mind. Oh, shit. What did I just do?"
"You know you can tell me what you're feeling. I feel like I'm the only one who's been talking this whole time."
"That's because the only thing I've said this whole time is I feel sorry for you and I understand. That's okay Sakura. I'm fine."
"Oh, this is about your girlfriend isn't it?"
"Maybe if I say yes she'll let it drop. Yeah, you're right. Lately I haven't had much time to talk to her, but you know what I think I'm going to plan a date with her right now."
"Yes I think you should. I'll leave you alone now so you can do that."
"Success!"
"But you know that I'm just next door if you need anything."
"Okay I'll remember."
Sakura walked through the door that adjoined her and Sasuke's dressing rooms.
"Free at last."
"Hey Sasuke! Did you realize that we can hear each other through these walls?"
Just as Sakura shouted this one of the producers walked by Sasuke's open door.
"You truly hate me don't you?"
"With an unadulterated passion, and while we're on the subject, that scene where you fight with Naruto on the Hospital roof," sharp inhale of air followed by a lip smack, "yeah, if you could lose that it would be much appreciated." Another sharp inhale and light smack of the lips, "Yeah." The producer nodded his head lightly and walked away with a thumb and forefinger point/ shake gesture.
"I hate this job."
Authors Note: Hey this is my first attempt at comedy so hang me gently. There will be a second chapter with Sasuke and his girlfriend as well as more girl problems for our troubled hero. Just remember, I can only get better if you people tell me what I suck at.