I'll be Seeing You
Disclaimer: I don't own Brokeback Mountain. If I did you can bet your ass I'd be up there with Jack and Ennis rather than sitting here writing.
Author's Note: So I love Brokeback Mountain. It is one of my favorite movies, and certainly the greatest love story of all time. I've been trying to work on a Burn Notice fanfiction for a while now, but slash keeps popping in my head instead. Oh well, I thought this was cute. Tricky, but cute. I did however, throw a little Burn Notice shout-out in there, just in case maybe the fanfiction gods might want to see my sacrifice for them and allow me to finish the Burn Notice fic. Also, I feel I have to say that this is, like I said, a tricky fanfiction. I am a hardcore Catholic (don't leave!). I'm not afraid to admit that, because my faith is important to me. However, while I agree with all my heart on the religious aspect of Catholicism, the social aspect pisses me off something harsh. However, I won't bore you all with my rants about how I feel about people trying to ban gay marriage (chances are if you went to a slash movie, knowingly clicking on a slash story then you agree with me), but I digress. This story is about the afterlife, and I infuse my own ideas about heaven and hell, and how God feels about gays. I will try not to be too specific so as to not offend anyone, so although I wrote it as such, feel free to not see in a religious way. I truly do not want to offend anyone or push my religion on them! Sorry for the long author's note, I was just letting out a warning. Please, read and review!
I'll be Seeing You
It was two days after his daughter's wedding and Ennis had a cough. It wasn't a big deal for an old cowboy like him. Hell, as far as he was concerned it was welcomed. It proved that he was human after all, something he needed reassurance of as of late. Within a few weeks however, the cough had remained and with it came a fever. It was the persistent fever that actually began to worry him. He couldn't very well keep up with his usual workload when he could barely think straight or stand upright. Then again, this numbing feeling was a welcome relief from the usual hounding thoughts of Jack, all his regrets that only left him alone long enough to realize just how miserable and lonely he really was. A week later when he passed out at work, his boss demanded that he go to a doctor, saying if he didn't Ennis wouldn't have a job.
Not seeing what choice he had in the matter if he still wanted an income, Ennis conceited to visit the local quack. He of course grumbled the whole car ride to Junior and Kurt who had insisted on driving him as even he could admit he was in no condition to drive. Ennis just couldn't believe that it was necessary to threaten his job if he didn't get some idiot's note saying he had the flu. Lots of men got the flu. It wasn't a big deal. It certainly wasn't something to threaten one's job over. He continued grumbling in the same fashion even as he waited in the exam room for the doctor to arrive. His daughter and son-in-law swore up and down to everyone around them who was looking disgusted at his rude outbursts that the "poor man was simply delirious with fever".
After what for Ennis felt like an eternity of waiting to get the show on the road, his only way of passing the time to watch the room steadily spin around him, a man who introduced himself as Doctor Michaels arrived. Ennis would have liked to say he disliked him immediately, but the truth was that even Ennis had to admit he seemed a competent young man, who unlike the other doctors Ennis had visited in the past, seemed to be genuinely concerned with how Ennis was feeling and interested in Ennis's accounts of his own body and what it was capable of, and how normal these symptoms were. After Ennis explained grudgingly that he didn't usually get sick, but was fully capable of getting back to work and making some money, Dr. Michaels smiled and patiently explained that it certainly seemed likely, but he was going to have to check Ennis's temperature. Ennis didn't understand why Dr. Michaels was so surprised when he read 108.1, until the doctor explained that it was a miracle he was even conscious. Ennis wanted to inform the man that he happened to be accustomed to living in pain, but thought better of it—it could lead to some questioning on the doctor's part.
Dr. Michaels instantly sent him to get blood work done. Ennis was less than thrilled about the idea, but Kurt had insisted on it, and Ennis didn't need his daughter getting pissed at him for fighting with her husband. So he conceited—for her sake. The blood test was quick and painless, but something in Ennis was apprehensive about the results. What was so uncommon about a fever? The doctor said that it was just a precaution, but something Ennis attributed to his cowboy instincts sensed something more serious was happening. A nurse came to clear him, and to schedule an appointment for the next day. Slowly, Ennis left the building, weary of the idea of having to traipse back there the next day. He cursed under his breath about how much his joints were hurting and how old he was getting, until Junior shot him a glare that silenced him. Damn if that girl didn't have him wrapped around her finger.
That night had been a bad night. Bad nights had been common since Jack's death. That's when it was the worst. Before he could count the days until he would be back with Jack, and relive every moment he had had with him during the last trip. He could recall the feeling of being held by Jack, holding Jack. He could conjure up the memories of their nights together, full of love and passion, and their days together, full of fun, and well—love. The worst nights were the ones half way between the last trip and the next trip, too far away to keep on relishing in the memories from the last trip, and too far away from the next trip. Those nights he relied on remembering the feeling of being inside Jack, the way Jack could make him moan, and the taste of the sweaty, mountainous taste of Jack on his lips. Those thoughts carried him for almost twenty years, but now: he had nothing. There were no countdowns, no latest memories, and even the old memories were too painful. He couldn't stand remembering the way things were, knowing they would never be that way again, knowing that he had time and time again rejected the idea that was more than he had ever wanted in his life was torture. He always knew he loved Jack, and he knew that he wanted nothing more than a life with him, but the reasons he had against that life seemed so ridiculous now. Now, he could only hate himself for driving Jack away and never having that perfect life. The words of Jack's father haunted him. He had moved on. He had found someone else to share a life with. The thought had driven Ennis to more pain than he could express, and more tears than he thought he possessed. If only he had given into his desire, he would be with Jack. He wouldn't have let Jack die because he would have been there to protect him, and the day he did die, Jack wouldn't have lived his last moments in love with someone else.
Sometimes Ennis liked to imagine Jack next to him in his bed. He'd lay out the shirt, imagine he could smell Jack in it, and talk to Jack. He got to say all the things he wanted to but never did, and just enjoy being in the company of the man he loved. But it never lasted long. One night Jack told him the reason was because of the guilt Ennis felt for Jack's death, and of Jack's unfaithfulness to Ennis. Ennis had to agree that that sounded plausible, but he couldn't make himself stop feeling guilty. Tonight he wanted Jack very badly. He was nervous, and scared about the test. Something just didn't seem right. It took Ennis less time to conjure up Jack then usual, almost as if Jack was ready and waiting for Ennis on this night. After grabbing the shirt sleeve that Ennis imagined was Jack's hand, and greeting him in the usual way of "I love you", "I miss you", and the like, Ennis imagined Jack reaching over to brush a curl off Ennis's forehead and ask him why he was so sad. Ennis tried to tell him about his fears about the test, but Ennis surprised himself when Jack shook his head and put a finger to Ennis's lips silencing him with a soft "shh". Ennis looked at him quizzically but did as he was told. Jack took both his hands to cover Ennis's hand and told him not to worry because things would be better soon; Ennis shouldn't be worried. Ennis's eyes filled with tears, and in his mind, it was Jack who dried the tears from his face and kissed him sweetly and softly, telling him that he loved him, but they needed their sleep, and not to worry. Ennis dozed off, and as he did, Jack disappeared from his imagination, and reunited with him in his dreams.
The next day Ennis arrived at Dr. Michaels' office promptly. He suddenly wasn't as nervous as he was yesterday. He knew it was stupid, but even though Jack was a figment of his own imagination, Ennis still trusted him—no matter what form he was in. This calmer side of Ennis was not lost on Dr. Michaels. When Dr. Michaels enquired as to what inspired Ennis's calmer personality, Ennis only muttered something that sounded to Dr. Michaels as "fever dreams". Dr. Michaels sighed and asked Ennis to sit. He was not excited for the conversation that was about to follow. He hated giving bad news. It wasn't that he didn't like having people dislike him for what he was saying, but he felt horrid for not being able to help them, like he was paid and expected to do. Ennis could sense his unease, and reflected on how their roles seemed to change. This time it was Ennis who was calm and the doctor who was anxious. Ennis sat patiently watching Dr. Michaels compose himself. Finally, the doctor took a deep breath and began to speak.
He explained that Ennis's fever was significantly more serious than previously thought, because Ennis seemed to have developed a case of Rheumatic Fever. Ennis could merely blink and nod unsure of why this was a problem, while Junior gasped behind him. Dr. Michaels could barely look Ennis in the eye while he proceeded to explain what exactly Rheumatic Fever entailed. He explained the other symptoms that accompanied it, welcoming the break of Ennis's first outbreak when Ennis actually laughed. Dr. Michaels couldn't believe it. When he asked Ennis why he was laughing, Ennis told him through chuckles that all this time he thought his aching, swollen joints was a sign of old age, not a symptom. Kurt chuckled behind him, while Junior made a desperate whining sound, and Dr. Michaels merely cleared his throat and continued. He was stopped a second time when Junior asked him how Ennis could have contracted the disease in the first place. The doctor blinked a couple times and sighed. He had been reading about mountain lion attacks in the mountains of Wyoming, but what this old cowboy was doing in the mountains getting himself attacked by mountain lions was highly suspicious. The young doctor asked Ennis if he had by any chance been in the mountains recently.
The thing was that surprised the man was not that the older man had admitted that he did, but rather the look of absolute sorrow that graced Mr. Del Mar's features at the thought. Dr. Michaels thought that the man was going to cry, when suddenly he closed his eyes and although the sorrow was still evident, a look of bliss was fleeting. Dr. Michaels was going to question him, but thought better of it, realizing that the look was far too private a moment to intrude on. In fact, the doctor felt guilty just witnessing, as if it were something that was between Ennis and someone else, and no one else had any business intruding on the intimate moment. Once Dr. Michaels felt safe that the moment had passed, he asked Ennis if, as ridiculous as it sounded, he had encountered a mountain lion when he was there. Ennis released a barking laugh and told the doctor that he had indeed gotten attacked a couple of weeks ago. The doctor brought his hand to his forehead and ruffled his hair. It had been the news he was afraid of. He then told Ennis that there had been cases of the Wyoming mountain lions carrying diseases they were infecting people and pets with. The disease caused Rheumatoid Fever.
After finishing the meeting with the doctor, Ennis left with an appointment a week later to get tested to see if his heart was still functioning well. Ennis learned that apparently Rheumatoid Fever put him at a significant risk for congestive heart failure. Dr. Michaels seemed to be worried about the progression of the fever. Unfortunately for Ennis, he had gotten a ride with Junior and Kurt who had insisted he wasn't capable of driving himself, and that they cared about his welfare and wanted to be there. This meant that he had to spend the rest of the drive home listening to Junior berate him for not coming to see the doctor sooner when it would have been easier to detect and treat. Ennis just ignored her, which only seemed to fuel her anger, which Ennis was willing to bet, was just a manifestation of her fear for her daddy's life. He knew he was lucky to have a daughter who cared so much, but as far as he was concerned she was damn lucky he didn't tell her to shut the hell up.
Three nights before Ennis's appointment to check his heart, he was in tears. His boss had fired him, saying that he just wasn't up to the work, but Ennis hardly cared. For him, the most distressing thing was that Jack hadn't reappeared. Ennis didn't even dream of Jack, something that hadn't happened since he first met him. Ennis felt more lost than usual. He hadn't even felt like a full person since Jack died, and the fact that he couldn't even have Jack with him in his imagination made him feel totally useless. He was a burden on his daughter and her new life, was enough trouble for his boss to fire him from his job, and had driven away the chances of a happy life with Jack when he had had the chance. Now what did he have? He was a sick, poor old man who didn't have a job, was a burden to his daughter, and had lost the love of his life. He was nothing. He had thought about suicide a million times a day since Jack died. Hell, he had thought of suicide since he left Brokeback—left Jack for the very first time, finally aware for the first time of just how much he was missing in his life. But he could never bring himself to do it. The reason, he figured—as ridiculous as it sounded even to him, was that even though he was in love with a man, he still believed in God, and as he saw it, he had enough offenses against God, and might as well act like a man for once in his life and not sin when he had such control. He didn't want to go to Hell for suicide. When it came down to it he was afraid. So he just spent each day since Jack died willing himself to die. He suddenly wished that people in the town would beat him to death, or he would get in an accident. Then it wouldn't be his fault.
That's why, on his last trip to Brokeback, when he went alone, searching for some connection to Jack, he was excited when he saw a mountain lion. He had come to Brokeback so he could be in the place he felt closest to Jack for the last time, where he could be in the only place he felt happy and complete, but instead he just felt more alone than ever. He had heard of mountain lions attacking people his whole life, he had been raised to avoid them, but when he saw the mountain lion about fifty feet from him, he was overcome with joy that maybe the Lord was delivering him, and he would finally be out of this Hell, and into another. He sat patiently, willing the cat to come to him, to take his life. But it didn't. Instead it walked up to him, Ennis saying a prayer while feeling relief for the first time in a long time as the giant cat encircled him. Ennis prepared himself for the blows, but the cat merely scratched him once, leaving claw marks down his arm, although Ennis hardly felt them, and bit him. The bite took Ennis by surprise. It was soft, almost playful, like a barn cat nips its owner. Then, when Ennis opened his eyes, preparing for the next blow and the last moments of his life, the cat was gone. In that moment, every fiber of control and will left him at once, causing him to collapse on the rocks crying. He woke up a few hours later, the only trace of the cat's encounter being four thin lines of dried blood on his arm. He had then left Brokeback for the last time.
Suddenly Ennis began to cough. He coughed and coughed and started to feel like he was suffocating. He couldn't breathe through the coughing spell. His throat and lungs burned and he looked down just in time to see his hands covered in a pink, foamy, mucus like substance. His eyes widened in shock as he felt his heart thunder in his chest. His coughing stopped but he still couldn't breathe. He closed his eyes and suddenly became calm, easing himself down onto his bed and giving up. He felt himself smile as he let himself submerge into the attack, eventually letting it engulf and drown him, his heart finally quitting. Ennis Del Mar died that night with only a single word released into the dark room for no one to hear: "Jack". But it didn't matter that no one was there to hear it, because it wasn't for anyone who could have been there to hear it.
Brokeback Brokeback Brokeback
Ennis was afraid to open his eyes. He was afraid of what he would see. He was afraid of what he wouldn't see. He didn't even know if he was capable of opening his eyes. Was he really dead? His thoughts and worries were simultaneously shattered when he felt a familiar pair of strong arms that filled his every memory envelop him, and heard the voice that possessed his every thought whisper in his ear
"Its okay Cowboy, I'm here now."
Ennis's eyes shot open, and were met with the sight of Jack Twist beaming down at him, just like Ennis had always remembered. He pulled Jack closer to him, whispering in his ear the three words he had always deprived Jack of.
"I love you, Jack."
Jack pressed his lips to Ennis's forehead, his fingers wrapping around the stray curls at the base of Ennis's neck.
"I know, Ennis. I love you too."
Ennis pulled away from Jack just far enough to look at him. This wasn't the Jack that filled Ennis's dreams and thoughts for years—this was a different Jack. He looked just as young as he did during their first summer herding sheep on Brokeback, eyes just as blue, dimples just as set, but there was something else beyond the physical image. Jack had a look of passion, lust, love, admiration, and excitement in his eyes, but he let off an aura that felt soothing, carefree, and calm. Ennis had never seen Jack that way. The Jack he knew had always been hassled, rushed, and anxious. This was something different and it intrigued Ennis. However, before Ennis could voice his observations, Jack launched himself at Ennis, tackling him down and kissing him in the same frantic, longing way they had after those first years of separation. This time, however, there was no intrusion or fear of being caught to make them cautious. They made love, starting out with a slow, deliberate pace. For Ennis and Jack had all the time in the world to make up for time lost.
Hours later, Ennis got his first look at where he was. It seemed to be a cabin of sorts, fully furnished, but still rustic. This seemed to be a bedroom. He wondered if it was Jack's bedroom. How long had Jack slept in this bed night after night, while Ennis slept in his? Did Jack miss Ennis as much as Ennis missed him? He turned his head to look at the man holding him, tracing idle circles on Jack's bare chest. Jack looked down at him and met him with a deep kiss. When they broke apart Jack was the first to speak.
"I've missed you so much Ennis. Was I being too selfish for wishing you were here with me?"
Ennis smiled, enjoying the feeling of being complete, after being so broken for so long. "No, Jack. It's what we both wanted."
Jack let out a sigh of relief he didn't even know he was holding. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that."
Ennis sat lost in thought just enjoying the feeling of being held by the man he loved. Curious as to the look on Ennis face, Jack cut across Ennis's thoughts.
"What're you thinking about, Cowboy?" he asked, squeezing Ennis closer to him, as if afraid of him escaping. Ennis welcomed the embrace by wrapping his own arms over Jack's, as if buckling them both in.
"I was just thinking about how Brokeback gave us another gift, Jack." He looked up to see Jack patiently watching him, willing him to continue. "See, I died—" he looked up to Jack for confirmation before continuing, Jack obliging through a slight nod, "when my heart gave out. Funny isn't it? But before my heart failed, I had this fever, see. The fever was some sickness that I had gotten from a diseased cat. The cat attacked me on Brokeback. So basically, Brokeback gave me the final gift of sending me back to you." Jack smiled, the irony not lost on him. Brokeback had always enabled them to be together.
"Us, Ennis. Brokeback gave us the final gift of sending you back to me."
"Jack, how did we get to be here? I mean, everyone said that, well a man loving a man was wrong. But we're here—together, so this can't be—"
"No Ennis, this isn't. What we had is love. Real love. We weren't perfect men, but we suffered our whole lives for our love, and that's worth something. Turns out, love is love, and it's welcomed here in every form. There isn't enough love in the world, and to find love like ours, well there's nothing wrong about that. People seem to understand that here. Maybe because it's all finally settled."
Ennis considered this for a moment. He had so many questions for Jack. He meant to ask who "everyone" was, as he hadn't heard a sound from anyone else, and where they were exactly that there was no one else, or how did Jack know all this, but the question that he voiced first wasn't even a question at all.
"You look just like you did the summer we met, you know."
Jack smiled at Ennis's observation.
"Apparently, we all stay in the most satisfying stages of our lives. You look like you did that summer too, Cowboy."
Ennis was shocked. He barely remembered what he looked like all those years ago. The thought never crossed his mind that he didn't look the same any more.
"I was happiest that summer. We had an entire summer of just us. It was perfect."
"I know."
Jack grabbed pulled on Ennis's arms to release them. His act, however had the adverse effect on Ennis, and he only clung to Jack with more resolve. Jack chuckled at Ennis's display. Often times, Jack would forget just how vulnerable Ennis was, just how afraid of being left alone he was. Then there were moments like this that occurred and Jack remembered just why he was so in love with the man in the first place. Jack let Ennis hold them a bit longer before insisting that Ennis let them go so Jack could show him around. Ennis was clearly less than ecstatic about the prospect, but conceited none the less. After all this time apart, he wasn't about to start denying Jack now. Jack pulled on his pants and after buckling his belt started searching for his shirt. This triggered a thought Ennis had wanted to share with Jack.
"Shame I never got that shirt back that I had left up on Brokeback all them years ago…" Ennis muttered, feigning talking to himself. "I'd have really liked to get that back." He braved a look at Jack, pleased to see that his partner was looking around guiltily. Ennis felt compelled to tease Jack a while longer. "Shame if some creeper found it, brought it with him. Maybe he was some stalker and he wore it, smelled it. Or maybe he just kept it for display purposes. Either way, I really wish I'd have had that back to myself, and not in the hands of some freak who stole it." He again looked at Jack to see him looking anywhere but at Ennis, even rocking back and forth a bit. After a couple moments of the weight of Ennis's eyes on him, Jack cracked.
"Listen, Ennis, I um… I have a confession to make. See, that summer, you left your shirt at, at the campsite. And I found it as I was cleaning up and packing up after you had headed out for the day. And I wanted to give it back to you; I mean I planned to return it, honest Ennis. But then I got to thinking about how you was going to leave and marry Alma, and I was gonna ride the circuit. And I just kinda, well I wanted to have a piece of you with me because I didn't think I'd ever see you again." Jack stopped rambling long enough to see Ennis with his had over his mouth as if to hide the laugh that was shaking his body. Jack stopped, unable to keep up the front of anger when he accused Ennis of knowing the whole time. Ennis continued laughing at Jack while he got dressed; finally taking a few calming breaths and informing Jack that he was ready to see the rest of this place.
Jack hit him on the back, as if in anger as they walked to the doorway. Jack reached for Ennis's hand, but as he did, Ennis pulled away. He felt guilt at the look of hurt in Jack's eyes, and whispered his fears about someone seeing them. Jack couldn't keep the pain from his voice when he told Ennis that things didn't have to be how they were before, because things were different here. People didn't see a man and a man; they only saw two people in love. This was their paradise. Not totally convinced, but eager to show his trust in Jack, Ennis grabbed his hand, Jack stopping in surprise, a look of pure delight gracing his features as his dimples appeared and he brought their joined hands up to his lips to kiss them. Ennis blushed as Jack led him out of the room and into what looked to Ennis like an enormous cabin.
Ennis was in awe of how beautiful the place was, and how at home he felt, although admittedly that may have had more to do with the man next to him than with the house. As Ennis stood in awe, taking in his surroundings Jack stared at Ennis. He couldn't believe that over two decades of pain in life and brought him to the point where he had eternity to spend with Ennis. It seemed almost comical just how much they had missed each other during their lives. Twenty years barely registered on the scope of eternity, but fuck, had it hurt at the time.
When Ennis was finished looking over the hallway, Jack could tell he was eager to take in the rest of the house. However, Jack's impatience got the best of him and he found himself dragging Ennis out the door, promising him he could look around later. In true fashion, Ennis grumbled the entire time, until he actually looked at where Jack had taken him. He was outside, and before him the smells of the air, the sounds of nature, and the feeling of the wind registered even before his eyes. He was home.
"Jack is this—"
"Brokeback Mountain."
"But how? I thought we were—"
"We are. Like I told you, it's our paradise Ennis. It becomes whatever you want it to be, what you need it to be."
Ennis found himself speechless. He was taking in the familiar sights and sounds that had signaled relief his whole life. Now he had forever with Jack in Brokeback.
"It's beautiful", he mumbled.
"Of course it, Ennis, we already knew that!"
Jack smiled, dimples lighting up his face. Somehow, Ennis thought, the mountains and the sky and the water just made Jack's eyes even bluer. Suddenly, Jack's entire face lit up, as if he had just remembered something important. Ennis was expecting some huge announcement, or a great revel of an appointment they had to make. Instead, Jack told Ennis to turn around. When he did, Ennis saw that the cabin they had come out of was part of a ranch. There were pastures filled with cattle and horses, and a barn. Ennis couldn't believe it. He had always imagined the after life as being a fluffy clouded land, but this was far from it. This was actually the ranch Jack had always wanted them to have, the ranch that Ennis had always owned in his dreams. Now, it was his for the rest of his life.
As Ennis stood watching his surroundings, Jack came and put his arms around Ennis. He kissed the top of Ennis head, and whispered in his ear.
"How did you know about the shirt, Ennis?"
Ennis smiled wryly to himself, recalling his first visit with the Twists. He didn't know what he had come there looking for, but finding the shirt certainly eased things. A part of him always liked to think that Jack had left it for him to find from the afterlife, but learning of Jack's unawareness of Ennis's visit with his parents, he realized maybe Jack hadn't left it for him at all.
"I went and visited your parents' house. They let me go to your room, and I saw your closet…"
"Oh." Jack replied, suddenly feeling a bit deflated. "Did they treat you all right?"
Ennis didn't know how to respond. Should he say what he had learned? He decided on telling the truth.
"Your momma was great. She wanted me to come back and visit. I did too, a couple times. Don't think your Daddy appreciated that too much." Jack's stomach turned. His father had never understood Jack, and never supported him. He couldn't imagine what the old bastard had said to Ennis.
"How was my father?" Again, Ennis considered whether or not he should tell the truth. If he told Jack what he had learned from his father, Jack would only feel embarrassment and guilt. Ennis didn't want that. On the other hand, though, they had eternity together, and Ennis felt like he owed Jack the truth.
"He was civil. I um, went to get your ashes and bring them to Brokeback. Your wife said that's what you would have wanted. Said she didn't know where it was, though and sent half of you to your father. He um… he buried you in the family plot." Ennis looked up to scale Jack's reaction. Would he be angry? The last thing Ennis wanted was for Jack to resent his father in the afterlife.
Jack on the other hand chuckled. "I suppose it don't matter much now, does it? I mean I am in Brokeback. I just wish he would have respected my wishes. Did he uh, did he say anything else?"
Ennis flinched. This didn't go unnoticed by Jack.
"What did he say, Ennis?"
"He said he knew who I was. Said you spoke about me, about having a life with me." Ennis hesitated. "He said that eventually you stopped talking about a life with me, and he said you wanted a life with some other man." Ennis tried to keep the hurt from his voice. He didn't blame Jack. He had never given Jack enough, that much was made clear. He just didn't want Jack to have moved on, when Ennis was still so in love with him.
"Ennis, I never really loved him. Not like you. You have to know that." Jack said, blushing.
Ennis couldn't help the snort that escaped him. He didn't want to fight with Jack. Not here. There was nothing to fight about anymore, right? That knowledge didn't stop the bitter words from escaping from him.
"You loved him enough to want our life with him."
Ennis braved a look at Jack. He had pulled away from Ennis and was walking away. Suddenly, Jack turned around on his heel and marched up to Ennis, yelling.
"I wanted the life with him that you wouldn't give me! He wasn't afraid of loving me! He was willing to become the man you were too afraid to be Ennis! I gave you a thousand chances at a life together. You could have come to me at anytime and I would have dropped everything for you! But you didn't. You were too worried about what people would say, what it would say about you! You got a fucking divorce and still you felt you were too damn good to live a life with me! Well you know what, Ennis Del Mar? You are a fucking queer!"
"I'm no fucking queer Jack!" Ennis said, fighting tears.
"Yes, Ennis, you are! Loving a man is the definition of a queer! And don't you even try telling me what we had wasn't love! You know as well as I do we loved each other. It was beautiful and it was passionate and it was rare, and it was true, Ennis! Don't you try to take that away from me!"
Ennis was sobbing now. "Then why the fuck did you find someone else to love if you were so in love with me?"
Jack's face softened. How did they always end up like this? He edged closer to Ennis, putting his hands on Ennis's face, making him look Jack in the eyes.
"Listen to me, partner. I didn't love him. He and I didn't come close to us. He was just a replacement. Someone to get my mind off of you. And you know what? He was a fucking poor one. No one could compare to you, or replace you, or be good enough to make me stop thinking about you. Just you Ennis, you're the only one for this old cowboy."
They stood there, holding each other for a long time. Finally able to do so without the threat of time. There was no time any more. They had forever. Finally, they had enough time. Ennis was the first one to speak.
"Do you really think I'm queer, Jack?"
Jack laughed the deep rich laugh Ennis loved hearing. "Yes, Cowboy, I do." He laughed even harder at the put out look on Ennis's face.
"Did you always know, Jack? Did you always know you were queer?"
Jack considered this question. "Yeah. I guess I always did. I use to think I wasn't, more like hope actually. Make excuses to myself, but I think I did always know. I just gave up one day and embraced it."
Ennis considered what Jack was saying. Did he always know? He didn't think he did. Ennis had always considered himself to be straight. He had fallen in love with Alma, didn't he? At least he had thought he had, until he met Jack. Then he was suddenly aware of just how much he had been missing in his life. It became even more prevalent during the two year separation. But he was sure he didn't know until he met Jack.
"I don't think I knew before I met you, Rodeo."
Jack laughed. Ennis was slightly indignant that Jack found this funny, but figured after the blowout they just had, he had better keep his mouth shut. When Jack finished laughing, he looked at Ennis's face. He looked just like a pouting child. Jack felt slightly guilty at the urge to laugh at Ennis again, especially given their latest feud. He figured it would be best for them both if he didn't start laughing again. Instead he cleared his throat, did his best to hide his dimples and clapped his hand on Ennis's back.
"Pal, I knew you didn't know you were gay before Brokeback. That much was painfully obvious when you had a conniption fit when you found your hand wrapped around me."
Ennis chuckled despite himself. That seemed so long ago now. Things had been so blissful that summer. But then he reminded himself, that things could be like that for the rest of his existence. His thoughts took a different turn when he realized how this was his fantasy, but not Jack's. Jack had always wanted them to have a normal relationship, where they could live together, interact with the rest of the town, making friends and having those friends over to their ranch without having to hide their relationship. Both Jack and Ennis knew it was a pipe dream then, but now… Didn't Jack say that everyone was excepting here?
"Jack, we're on Brokeback. We have the ranch we always dreamed of, but this still isn't what you wanted. You still don't have friends and neighbors. Are you okay with this life with me?"
"Buddy, this is paradise, we have a neighborhood if we want one. This isn't the real Brokeback, you know. Our ranch has roads that lead to town. We can have that life here."
Ennis was suddenly eager to do whatever he could to please Jack. He had always been anti-social, but Jack never was, and if Jack wanted to make friends with the locals, then damn-it all, Ennis and Jack would go into town and meet some people. Ennis was actually excited at the prospect of showing off his relationship with Jack, finally able to brag about it and let it be in the open.
"Do you, uh, want to go and meet people now?"
Jack squinted his eyes, curious as to the sudden change in Ennis.
"What's your rush, Cowboy? We finally have all the time in the world. I don't feel like going into town, not really. I feel like spending a little more time together, just you and me, undisturbed. That okay with you?"
Ennis smiled that wide smile of his as Jack led him back into their home. Their home. A home for Jack and Ennis to live together. It felt so good to them both to say that.
Jack and Ennis spent hours together, just getting reacquainted with each other after too long of a separation. Eventually, as night fell upon their ranch on Brokeback Mountain, Ennis whispered to the man who held him in his strong arms.
"Jack, how did you die? People found out about you and killed you, didn't they?"
Jack whispered back to Ennis in a voice heavy with sleep. "Yes, Ennis. They did."
Ennis bit back tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. Are you—are you sorry that you're a queer."
"No, Ennis. If I weren't a queer I wouldn't have you with me."
"Even though it cost you your life?"
"I don't regret it."
"But you died because of it."
"Well it ended up being a blessing didn't it?"
"I guess so. But Jack—"
"Go to sleep Ennis."
Ennis snuggled down lower against Jack's chest. Sleep beginning to over take him. He had assumed Jack had fallen asleep until he heard his voice cut across the darkened room.
"Ennis?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Jack."
"Good."
Ennis let those last words of Jack's replay in his head, lulling him to sleep. For the first time in a long time, he had the real Jack holding him in his sleep, not his imagination, and for the first time in forever, Ennis didn't care that the morning would be coming soon, because now, there was no limit on their time together. They had forever and eternity together.
Fin.
Author's Note: If you loved the ending, thinking it was cute, consider it a gift from me to you. My original plan was to make Jack not really with Ennis at all, and Jack was an imagined part of Ennis's "heaven", because the real Jack was with his last boyfriend Randall (the neighbor his parents spoke of). Remember, this "heaven" transforms to the inhabitant's desires for "paradise", and Ennis's included Jack, although Jack's did not include Ennis. Then, I reconsidered because I figured they went through enough Hell in life and didn't need any more in "Heaven". Not that I actually think Jack would ever choose Randall over Ennis! Anyway, please review.