"Scotty!" I scream at my brother who is lying still in a pool of his own blood. "Scotty, wake up! Please!" I feel the tears form in my eyes. My big brother won't wake up, and I realize that he probably won't ever again. I try not to focus on the blood that is pouring from a huge gash in my own arm, and try to soak up whatever is coming from Scott's head with my shirt.
I look around me and see the plane that had previously held my parents, my brother and myself, now strewn in pieces around the woods, burning in huge white flames. I cough uncontrollably, and cover my nose and mouth with my shirt. The thick black smoke burns my eyes, now, too. "Come on, Scotty." I shake him as hard as I can, hoping he will wake up. Just a moment before, he was awake. I was telling him not to go to sleep, but he did. He went to sleep.
He told me to find Mom and Dad, but I know where they are. They are in the fire with the plane. It terrifies me to even imagine what they might look like. I wish I wasn't so scared because I want to see them again. I feel like I should listen to what Scott told me, but I can feel the heat from the fire, and I know it's gotta be worse if I get closer. And I know I won't see them the way I want to. I want to remember Mommy and Daddy the way I saw them last. They are gone, and Scott is asleep, so I decide to go to sleep too, and let the flames take me to wherever they went. Maybe Gabe is there too. I lay down next to him, and try to go to sleep.
Everything starts fogging up, turning to black just like the smoke around me. My nose and throat stop burning, and everything just goes away. I hear a beeping noise, quiet at first, but it gradually starts to get louder. It gets so loud I open my eyes, and I am back in my bedroom. I look around me and there is no smoke, no fire. Just the same blue walls that I have been used to for years, and the same stupid Goofy that has been on my shelf since I was six. And I'm me. Seventeen year old me, not five year old me. The dream is over, but it was real. Scott is dead. He has been for twelve years. Mom and Dad are gone too, and Gabe is gone. But I am here, not there.
I take a deep breath of relief and throw the thick quilt off of me. I'm sweating, even though Dad keeps our house at sixty-eight degrees, no matter what. It is still kind of dark outside. I get up out of my bed and shut the alarm clock off. 4:32 AM. That gives me at least two hours to surf. I go into the bathroom, splash my face with some water, brush my teeth and get dressed as quietly as I can, making sure not to wake Mom and Dad down the hall. Mom freaks if she doesn't get her "Beauty Sleep." And yes, she actually calls it that. She says she doesn't understand how I get up so early every morning; she would die. You do what you gotta do for what is important. I guess I just find surfing a whole lot more important than sleep. Especially since I can't get a good sleep without dreaming about them anymore. I run down the stairs, grab a protein bar, an apple and two water bottles and walk out the door as quietly as I can. After about three years of sneaking out, I have become something of a pro at soundlessly opening our heavy oak door.
My car is covered in beads of water. It must've stormed. I don't mind. That means better waves. I grab my surfboard from the garage and head on my way. As soon as I turn the key in the ignition, my music blasts so loud I know my parents must hear. I don't turn down the stereo, instead I just speed out of the driveway. I like the way the music seems to fill my car. I speed the whole way to the beach actually. Mom hates riding with me, because apparently I drive like a maniac. I just like going fast, I don't know what it is. I come up to a white Escalade going way too slow for my taste (they are probably going the speed limit, but that is still way too slow.) I pass them (illegally) and speed off faster than they can blow the horn. I was reported to the police once by one of the neighbors for going about eighty in a thirty-five with kids around. I don't see why they worry so much, I'm not gonna hurt anybody.
I hit the interstate and drop my foot on the gas pedal. I love driving this early. There is hardly anyone else on the roads. I guess there aren't that many people awake. I like that, being one of the few people awake. It's kind of this cool feeling that you are alone, and you get to see things everyone else is missing. I don't know, I try not to think about that kind of stuff too much.
The beach is just as quiet as I was hoping. For a August in Honolulu, it is nearly impossible to find solitude on the beach, but I know when to go, and I know where to go. I see a few other surfers getting their boards ready. I acknowledge them with a nod, and walk towards the water. I can't wait to get in and feel the cool water. Sometimes I wish I could just live in the water. There has to be some way that is possible. Haley always tells me that I have a secret desire to be a mermaid. I don't think that is quite it. It's just something about surfing just makes me forget everything else, and focus on the water, the waves, and the board. The sun is almost completely out now, I can see it trying to pull out from behind the horizon line, like they are just layers on top of each other. It's hot, but I don't mind. I don't worry about sunscreen or anything anymore. It freaks mom out, and she is pretty much convinced that I am gonna get skin cancer. I am dark enough that I don't get burned anymore. My natural skin color is really pale, but I have been in the sun every day for like twelve years. I grab my surfboard and get in the water. It's kinda cold, but it's perfect. I swim out a pretty good ways and wait for the waves. When they come, everything else is gone.
Every morning, I surf until 7:00. At about six, the older natives start coming to take their morning walks and meditate or whatever, and by seven, the tourists are out. I usually try to get out of the water before they get in. They always try to ask me questions about surfing and Hawaii, and whatever else they can think of. I am almost never in the mood to answer. I usually do, though, and fake being interested in their questions, and pretend that their stories about how different Hawaii is than Wisconsin actually surprise me. I hear a lot more of those when I lifeguard over the summers, though. I mean a lot.
I get out of the water and start walking to my car, silently hoping that the two old ladies right next to me won't ask me how surfing works or anything like that. I'm not that fortunate, though.
"You sure are young to be out this early!" One of them says, lowering her sunglasses to get a better look, I guess.
"Well, I'll be. Back home in Georgia, boys your age don't rise til afternoon!" The other said, with a thick southern accent.
"Gotta get up early if I want to catch any waves before school." I say with a smile.
"He sure is handsome." The one with the sunglasses says to the other. "Well, honey, you have a good day at school."
"Yes ma'am." I smile again, as I start to walk away.
"He doesn't look Hawaiian." I hear one of them say as I walk away. I can't help but laugh. I get that all the time, being blonde and what not.
I give the ocean one last look. It's weird, but I actually kind of miss it when I go to school. Or rather I miss being in the water. That sounds a lot more normal, I guess. I drive back home and get there in about fifteen minutes. It's supposed to be a thirty minute drive, but who is really keeping track. I pull into the short driveway, and park in the grass like always. My friends ask me how I can tell it's my house, because apparently every house in our neighborhood looks the same. I can pretty well tell them apart by now. I've been living here since I was five. I notice Dad's car is already gone and I breathe a sigh of relief. At least I won't have to put up with him this morning.
My mom is sitting at the breakfast bar in a robe, and already has all of her make-up on. I can honestly say I have never seen her without it. "How was surfing this morning?" She asks me when I walk into the kitchen.
"It was fine. The waves were good." I shake my hand through my hair, trying to keep it from dripping.
"That's good. Do you want any breakfast? I think we have some oatmeal, or I can make you some toast." She suggests as she sips on her morning coffee.
"Nah, I'll grab something on my way out. I've gotta go take a shower." I start to walk up the stairs.
"Are you coming home for dinner?" She calls as I am halfway up the stairs.
"Depends on how late practice goes." I haven't been home for dinner in two weeks. I know it bothers her, I just have so many things I would rather be doing than sitting at a table listening to my dad rant about real estate and how disrespectful I am, or what I should be doing about college. I feel bad for making mom sit through it alone, but then again, she is the one who chose to marry him. I had no choice being stuck with the guy.
"Well, your dad and I think you need to be home more often. I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks, Alex. So come home right after football practice today. No girlfriend, no friends tonight. We need to spend some time as a family, especially since this is your senior year. We don't know how much longer we have until you move out." She says. I can see the sadness in her eyes. She has been this way since my first day of school this year. She just keeps saying things like "I can't believe you are so grown up." And typical emotional mom things that I never really know what to say to. Honestly, I can't wait to move out.
I bite my lip, and try to keep from arguing. "Okay." I say as I walk up the stairs. I have this problem, I have ever since I was little. People tell me to do things, I say okay, even though I know I won't do it. It just seems like a better alternative to arguing. I already have plans to go out with Kaylee tonight, and I probably won't change them.
I drive up to my aunt and uncle's house, and park on the street. I pick up my cousin, Haley, for school every morning. She is a year younger than me, and we go to the same school, and she refuses to drive. She claims that she is a terrible driver, but she always seems to think she is a pro when she rides with me, always telling me to slow down, put on my blinker, break. I walk right in the door without even knocking. Thankfully, Aunt Sandy is a lot more laid back than my mom. "Morning." I say to her, and give her a quick hug. She is sitting in her chair reading some sort of Women's Devotional book. She and Uncle Darren are really big church-goers. My family only goes on Easter and Mother's day, mainly because mom likes getting the flower they hand out. Personally, I gave up on the whole idea of God a while ago.
"Good morning, Alex." She kisses me on the cheek. "Did you go surfing this morning?"
"Yes ma'am. It was fun. Where is Haley?" I go in the kitchen and grab a chocolate chip muffin off of a dish on the counter. "Can I have one of these?"
"Yes, dear, absolutely! Take whatever you want. Haley should be down in a minute." She puts her book down and takes her glasses off. "Haley!" She calls toward the staircase. "Alex is here!"
"I'm coming!" Haley comes running down the stairs with her shoes and make-up bag in her hand, and her backpack slung over her shoulder. "Alex, grab me a muffin, please." She asks with her makeup bag in her teeth as she tries to slide her shoes on as quickly as possible. She kisses her mom on the cheek and runs towards the door. "Bye, mom."
Her little brother, Josh, who is technically my half cousin, runs in before we can leave. He is thirteen, and apparently thinks I am cool or something. "Alex, are you coming over this afternoon to help Haley with homework?"
"Probably not, man. I've got practice and stuff. I'll come over soon and we can throw the ball or something." I turn is baseball cap around where it is facing forward and tilt it up. "Don't wear it to the side, Josh, it makes you look like a jerk."
"Oh, thanks." He runs in the kitchen and pours a glass of milk.
"Bye Aunt Sandy." I open the door for Haley and we walk to the car.
She throws her backpack in the backseat and slides in the car. "Gosh, Alex! Is there a reason your music is so loud?" She yells, unnecessarily. It's really not that loud.
"It isn't." I say, and turn the stereo down barely a notch. She turns it down all the way as soon as my hand is back on the wheel. "Did you ever figure out your trig homework?"
"No." She replies, grumpily, fixing her make-up in the mirror. "And I tried calling you like, seven billion times last night, but you never answered." She has quite a knack for exaggerating.
I slam on the breaks, 'cause the idiot in front of me decided to turn without a signal, and accidentally make her draw a line across her face with mascara. "Sorry." I laugh. "And, I only had three missed calls from you last night. I think you made up the other Six billion, nine-hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-seven others." She hates numbers, so I like to use as many as I can when I talk to her.
She spits on a napkin she finds in her purse and wipes the mascara off of her face. "I said about, so you could be off by a few figures."
"No, you said seven billion. I heard you, specifically." I look at the napkin she is using to wipe her face down. "That's pretty sick, Haley."
"Yeah, well blame yourself for this." She scrubs the rest of the mascara off and grabs my ipod. "Why don't you have any good music on here? I can't believe Kaylee hasn't made you put like, Jason Derulo on here or something." She stops on a song by Fall Out Boy. "This is the only tolerable song you have on here. You have the worst taste in music. No one likes old metal crap except for you. And old men. "
"Not true. I have great taste in music. And yeah, she told me to put other stuff on here. I told her I would, but…"
"But you didn't." She finishes my sentence. "I know you, Alex. Just like when I asked you to slow down and you said okay but YOU ARE STILL GOING FREAKING EIGHTY MILES PER HOUR." She practically yells the last part of her sentence.
"Calm down!" I laugh at her. She always freaks out over things that really aren't a big deal. "I'm only going…" I peer over the steering wheel to check my speed. "Forty over."
She rolls her eyes and sighs. "Do you have any gum? I forgot to brush my teeth." She opens the glove compartment and squeals immediately. "Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross." She has her hands covering her eyes and she is shaking her head as she just says "Gross" over and over.
"What?" I look over and see a pair of bright blue lacy underwear in the glove compartment and burst out laughing. "Oh, I totally forgot those were in there."
"Yeah, I'm sure that was sheer accident. Please tell me you have a secret cross-dressing habit, Alex. That would be so much better than the alternative." She grabs some hand sanitizer out of her purse and squirts a quarter sized amount into her hands, spilling most of it onto the floorboard. It makes my whole car smell like flowers.
"How is that better? Fortunately, I don't have a cross-dressing habit. Those belong to your favorite person." I lean over and shut the glove compartment. Haley can't stand my girlfriend. On more than one occasion she has talked about how much she would like to punch her in the face. Or head. Or gut. "And try not to spill so much of that on the floor. My car will never stop smelling like a girl, now."
She rubbed the hand sanitizer into the carpet with her shoe. "Well, you do have a turquoise lace thong in your glove compartment. I think your car lost quite a few man points with that."
"My car is loaded with man points." It's an '03 Black Honda Accord, and I must say, I'm pretty proud of it. "I should probably give those back to her, though."
"How does one leave her underwear in a glove compartment? I just don't get how that works. Don't answer me. I really don't want to know what went down when this happened." She shook her head. "I need brain bleach."
I turn the stereo up, and we ride the rest of the way without speaking. It isn't weird or anything, and it's not like either of us are mad. We are just so used to being together, we don't have to fill every silence. I wish more people could realize that you don't have to talk 24/7.
We are greeted as we drive into the parking lot by my friend Ano, who thinks it would be a good idea to hump my moving car. I raise my eyebrows, jokingly. If you don't know how to just play along with Ano, he can be a pretty awkward guy.
"You have such weird friends." Haley mutters as she unbuckles and grabs her backpack from the back seat.
"You have weird friends." I say back.
"Just because we aren't popular, doesn't mean we are weird. My friends don't hump moving vehicles. You better not forget to take me home this afternoon." She gives me a big hug. I don't mind, but part of me thinks she does it because she thinks I do. Haley is definitely not the kind of person my friends would hang out with. If she weren't my cousin, they probably wouldn't even know her name. She is a book worm, definitely not athletic, and she isn't necessarily everyone's idea of gorgeous. She is short, has medium brown hair, and greyish eyes. I think she is pretty, though. I don't think nearly as many people see what a good person she is, and that pisses me off. They just see a plain, kind of overweight girl who wears Star Wars shirts. I guess I can't say much. I feel the same way about most of her friends.
"I won't." I say, letting her go from the hug. "Have a good day."
Kaylee, my girlfriend, bounces up to me and wraps her arms around my neck. "Good morning." She says with her sweet, quiet voice, as she smiles, showing her nearly perfect white teeth. She stands on her tiptoes and runs her hand through my hair, I guess something was out of place. It's likely that I forgot to comb it this morning.
I put my arms around her waist and pull her as close to me as I can. She smells like raspberries and hairspray. "Hey baby." I kiss her, not too passionately, because we are in the school parking lot, but long enough to make it count.
Haley makes a gagging noise in my direction as she and her friends walk towards the school building. "Get a room, Alex!"
"Go to class, Haley!" I yell back, mocking her tone, and I don't even bother to turn around. "How are you?" I ask Kaylee. I hear Haley say something else, but I don't bother to listen.
She gives Haley a pretty nasty look, and then looks back at me. It bothers me, but I don't say anything. If looks could kill, Kaylee would be a mass murderer. She can give looks that would make my dad cry. Other than that, though, she is an almost excessively sweet person. Haley says being around Kaylee is like drinking an entire bottle of maple syrup; it makes you want to throw up afterwards "I am so tired. I was up until like 2:00 AM writing that History paper." She answers softly with a yawn.
"I'm sorry. Take a nap in English." I take her hand in mine, and her books with the other, and walk her to class. I listen to her talk about her stupid brother (He really is a huge idiot.) and rant about how some girl called her a slut the other day, which she will never understand. I kiss her again when we get to the door of her English class. "I'll see you in a bit."
"I love you." She says quietly, but happily. Not all sappy like some people I see around here. They look like they are going to cry when they say it. That kind of weirds me out.
I smile. "I love you too." Before the words make it completely out of my mouth, Ano has his arms wrapped around my neck, and Johnny is standing next to him laughing.
"I love you too, Kaylee!" Ano blows her a kiss from the doorway. She laughs, rolls her eyes at him and sits down in her desk. "Kaylee don't love me back." He drops his head in mock sorrow.
I pat him on the shoulder. "You'll get over it, man. No worries."
"Aight, you weirdos." Johnny interrupts. "Don't forget we got practice late today."
"Dude, calm down. We just got here." I say. "We've got like seven hours 'til practice even starts, brah."
"Yeah, Johnny Boy. Why you always gotta be so bossy for, man? Loosen up. We at school, brah! The sun is shinin' and it's a beautiful day!" Ano grinned goofily. He is probably one of the most positive-minded people on the planet. And he has plenty of reasons to be negative.
"Whatever, you two are crazy." Johnny makes some weird whirl with his hand at his ear. Someone told us it was sign language for weird in like the fifth grade, and he has been doing it ever since. "Just promise you gonna be there on time, aight?"
"Are we ever late?" I ask, sarcastically, and Ano makes big puppy dog eyes at Johnny.
"Man, shut up." He laughs as he walks away.
The day is nothing special. It's kind of boring, actually. I go to class, get my physics test back, which I made a 93 on, and I can't lie, I am kind of bummed about it. I haven't made that low of a grade since eight grade, and physics is my thing. I'm at my locker, putting my books up for lunch, and Haley walks up. She has her Yoda lunchbox that she has been carrying since she was twelve and a notebook that she always writes in during lunch. What she writes, I will never know. She told me that she sew my fingers together if I ever touched her notebook.
"Will you come sit with me at lunch? Miranda checked out and Susan is staying in the library and I really don't want to sit by myself." She leans against one of the lockers and plays with the pictures on the door of mine. She draws something on a doodle Kaylee did. Every picture I have in my locker either came from Kaylee or Haley.
"I'm sitting with Kaylee today. You can come sit at our table." I shut my locker and it slams a lot louder than I expect. "We have an extra seat today, anyway. Rob got busted for weed this morning." I don't expect her to agree. She can't stand my friends.
"I would rather eat alone. Besides, they don't want me eating with them. Especially not Blondie." It's actually one of the nicer nicknames she has for Kaylee. "Can't you just sit with me for one day, or will it hurt your reputation too much to be seen at my table?"
"Haley, If I cared what people thought about me talking to you, I wouldn't be doing it right now. Just come sit with us."
"Again, I would rather eat alone. I would throw up if I had to watch you shove your tongue down Blondie's throat the whole hour." She makes a disgusted face. "In fact, just thinking about it makes me almost lose my appetite."
"Your choice." We walk to the lunchroom together, and separate when we enter. She walks over to an empty table and sits at the end, and I go over to where my friends are sitting. Ano has a French fry in his nose, and Tyler is trying to get him to fit more in there. The girls seem pretty disgusted, and are squealing every time Ano shoves another fry up his nostril. I guess I can kind of see why Haley wouldn't want to sit here. I go through the lunch line and sit down next to Kaleb, who is actually trying to study for a geometry test.
"Look, Alex, I'm a walrus!" Ano holds his head up high so the fries won't fall out. He can hardly get the words out without bursting into his cackling laughter.
"Dude, you are retarded." Kaleb throws a wadded up napkin at Ano.
"Whoa, careful, brah. Johnny's got a retarded cousin. Don't wanna go offendin' him or nothing." Ano says, strangely serious. He can change from laughing hysterically to serious in a second, even though he is usually being sarcastic. Like right now.
"Man, shut up." Johnny smacks him over the head. "Hey, Alex, you got the chemistry homework? I need to copy it real quick."
"Not with me. You can go get it out of my locker if you want." I look over and Kaylee is standing next to me, holding her brown paper sack.
"Can I sit here?" She asks softly, as she fiddles with the lace on her light pink blouse.
"Of course." I smile and pull the chair out for her. I put my arm around her once she sits down. She empties her paper sack of carrot sticks, apple sauce, chips and a Dr. Pepper. "Is that all you are eating?"
"Yeah. I'm not really hungry." She daintily dips her carrot sticks in the ranch dressing on my plate. "So are we still hanging out when you are done with football practice?"
I remember my mom telling me that I have to come straight home. For some strange reason, I really feel like I should. "Yeah, as long as you still want to." I say. Immediately I regret it. Usually I wouldn't, but for some reason I feel like I have done something really wrong. I wish I could take the words back, but I assure myself that I am just overreacting. Mom and Dad will get over it. I do this all the time.
"Of course I still want to! What are we gonna do?" Her long blonde hair falls in her face and she pushes it away, showing her big blue eyes.
"We can go see Thor." I suggest. She will probably say no, but it's worth a try.
"Oh my gosh, Chris Hemsworth. Yes." She hands me her applesauce to open for her. "I have been wanting to see that. He is so pretty." She gushes.
I suddenly change my mind, but I figure it's not worth the argument. "I'll pick you up at seven, then." I say, with a weird sick feeling. I don't know what the problem is. I keep trying to push the feeling away, but it keeps coming back, along with the feeling that energy is rising in me, trying to get out. I get the urge to run or something. I know what's happening, and I try my hardest not to freak out. That would make everything worse. "Babe, I've gotta, um, go get some homework I left in my locker." I get up as quickly as I can and walk out of the lunchroom, trying really hard not to run. Haley catches my eye as I am leaving and decides to follow.
"Haley, go back in the lunchroom." I say as soon as we are in the hallway. I keep walking towards the door, and I don't stop.
"No, Alex. What's wrong?" She follows close behind me.
"Nothing, I just need to get some fresh air." I push the door open and walk outside. I walk in circles and take deep breaths. I know what is happening, and I won't let it. The longer I walk, the more I can feel the energy subsiding within me.
"Is it happening again?" Haley stands at the door. I know she is scared. She has seen this happen once before, and it terrified her.
"Yeah." I say through clenched teeth, I throw my head back and take an other deep breath. I start sweating, and my skin gets hotter. This is what happens before I blow. "Stay back." She doesn't move. "Haley. Stay back." I raise my voice and try not to yell. She takes a few steps closer to the door. I walk farther from the building, afraid that if I run, I will let something slip. I can't afford that.
"Is it happening?" Her voice is almost a whisper.
"No, I've got it." Finally, I can tell it is gone. For the first time, I have successfully kept it away. I'm nearly exhausted from trying so hard to keep the energy contained. I sit down on the pavement and breathe.
"Should I call the nurse?" She starts walking closer to me, still cautious.
"What good is that gonna do? There is nothing she can do about mutant." I spit the word. I don't think I have ever said it referring to myself. I don't even actually know if that is what this is. It just started happening a few weeks ago.
"Alex, being a mutant isn't so bad. There are tons of them out there." She sits down next to me and puts her hand on my back. "We don't even know if that is what's making this happen." She says "We" like she isn't the only one who knows. She better be.
"I don't know what else would make me shoot giant red heat rays from my body." I don't know what else to call it. That is what happens. When Haley saw it she said it looked like I was throwing red hula hoops. Except they set everything around on fire.
"Good point…" Haley just sits there, not knowing what else to say, and I don't know what else to do. This is the third time this has happened, and it has really started freaking me out. "Do you want to go home? I can call my mom and she can check you out."
"No, I'm good." I get up and start back towards the building. "I'm fine." I say, but more so to reassure myself.
"Okay." She walks behind me. "Are you really going back to the lunchroom?"
"Yep. Are you not?" We are both standing at the door of the lunchroom, now.
"I, I think I'm just gonna go sit in the library or something." She looks at the floor and then abruptly grabs me in a really tight hug. "Be careful." She says, but her voice is muffled by my shoulder, which she can barely reach.
"I, uh, you too." I have always been really protective of Haley, ever since we were little. Two years ago, I punched Micah Walters in the face in the lunchroom for calling her fat. I never have taken kindly to people being rude to her. I feel like I have to keep her safe. Now, it seems like she is the one being protective, and I don't like it. I need to step up or something, I can't let her see me down. "It's okay, nothing is wrong." I say before I let her go. She nods, but doesn't seem convinced, and walks to the library.
I swallow hard and open the door to the lunchroom and walk in like nothing happened. That's part of being a Blanding. You never let anyone see that there is anything wrong. Suck it up, and shake it off. All that matters is looking good. At least that's what Mom and Dad seem to believe. From the outside, we have a pretty perfect life. A big, spotless, house, decent cars, nice clothes, Mom always looks good, and Dad always has the newest thing. Granted, they spend a bit more than they can handle, and financially we aren't as strong as we seem, but that's just it. No one knows. No one knows what goes on inside that big fancy house, and for the most part I am okay with it. But sometimes, I wish someone could see.
I smile at a few people and wave at some others as I make my way back to the table. I sit back down in between Kaylee and Kaleb and pick up on the conversation like I was never gone. Kaylee hasn't said much since I left, she usually keeps pretty quiet unless she is really comfortable around someone. A lot of people take it as her being stuck up, but I get that she is just terribly shy. Haley doesn't see that.
"Where you been, man?" Ano asks. He seems to be the only one who noticed I was gone.
I try to remember the story I told Kaylee. Honestly, I don't remember much of anything that just happened. I'm just glad nothing is on fire. "I had to go make sure I did my Calculus homework." I think that is what I told her. Oh well, it will have to work.
"You are so studious, man. I bet you've never missed homework in your life." Ano says.
"Yeah, and I bet you've never done homework in your life." I say back, half joking. It's probably true.
"Hey, I did my homework! Once." Ano starts laughing again. He always laughs at his own jokes, even if no one else does, and we all end up laughing even though what he says isn't that funny. He is just funny.
"Don't mess with Alex, brah, he's the top of our class!" Tyler reaches over the table and pats me on the shoulder. "And Sarah Coulter is pissed. I heard her talkin' bout it in Economics yesterday. She can't believe a jock beat her at school stuff. She said that ain't fair cause you get sports, and you can't have everything."
"It's just proof we run this school." Johnny says calmly. "We got the best of the best. The smartest guys," He looks at me. "the prettiest girls." He winks at Kaylee and the other girls sitting near her. She turns beet red. "And we got the most kick ass football team in Hawaii, man!" He high fives all of the football players at the table, and a few of them shout in agreement before Mr. Hagar gives us a disapproving look. The rest of the lunchroom turns around and stares at us, too.
"What's your problem? Turn around!" Ano yells at the onlookers. "Can't a football team appreciate their own awesomeness?"
I throw a fry at Ano. "Shut up, man. I think they got the idea." We all laugh about how everyone else should love us, and end up talking about our football game this weekend until the bell rings, and we all scurry out of the lunchroom, hoping to avoid cleaning duty.
I walk out to my car, and Haley is already there, leaning on the door, waiting for me. I get stopped by some Freshman wanting to know if I can tell coach he won't make it to practice today because of an ingrown toenail or something. I nod and tell him I will let coach know, but I probably won't. It wouldn't do any good for me to tell, he is gonna get his ass handed to him either way for missing.
"Alex!" Kaleb yells at me across the parking lot. "You going home?"
"Nah, man. I just gotta drop Haley off and I'll be back." I yell back. The rest of the football team is gathered by the door I am parked next to, talking or something. I look over at Haley and she is reading by the car. I am actually kind of surprised how patient she is being. But one person isn't here. I look all around for Kaylee, so I can tell her goodbye, but I don't see her.
I look over towards her red Chevy Cobalt, and I see someone who looks strangely familiar. A guy with black, greasy hair, a long nose and wire rimmed glasses stands by a black SUV. I rack my brain, trying to remember where I recognize him from. I study him for a while, and realize that I am staring, something I have always been told not to do, but I don't care. He is the guy who was driving the car that killed my parents son, Todd. They had him before they adopted me, so I can hardly call him my brother. I've only seen pictures of him. But mom and dad have pointed this guy out several times. Every time Mom sees him, she gets teary eyed and doesn't talk for hours. I can't figure out why he would be here. He has to be in his twenties by now.
He is staring back now, and I want to go up to him, ask him why he is here. I know he knows who I am; the replacement son for the guy he killed while being an idiot. I realize a lot of time must have passed since I first noticed him, and I haven't moved, but I stand still, looking at him. But then he does something I don't expect.
He smiles at me, showing his crooked yellowed teeth. It isn't a friendly smile at all. I take it more as a warning. I look around me, and the parking lot is still filled with people. I shouldn't be worried. There is nothing he could do, I mean I have a whole football team right behind me. He should be the one worried.
He starts walking towards Haley, so I do too. I don't run. I don't know why, I just walk and hope I am walking faster than he is. He breaks our eye contact and runs for her before I have a chance to react. She doesn't notice him.
"Haley!" I scream, hoping she will hear me and run, but instead she looks at me curiously. "Run!" I scream at her with everything in me. She looks to her left and sees him gaining on her. I run for her and she screams as he grabs her by the hair and yanks her towards him. "Haley!" I am screaming now, and everyone in the parking lot is staring, nobody is doing anything. I dart for the guy, but he is surprisingly fast, even though he is pulling my cousin along with him..
I try running faster, I'm the wide-receiver on the football team, I should be able to catch him. I hear people screaming around me, and before I know it energy is rising in me. I don't try to push it down. It's the only way I know to stop him, and I can't really focus enough to try and stop it. I feel a huge release as the red hot energy expels from my body in every direction. It seems like they are going in slow motion. I watch the red fiery rings fly towards the guy. Then I remember who he has in his hand. Haley. I stop still. I don't know what else to do. I hear people screaming all around me as flames form and hit cars, making bigger explosions. I try to recognize the screams, but there are so many of them, I can't tell. I just stand there, watching as the guy burns slowly, turning into ashes, becoming a part of the pavement. Maybe it happens faster, but I can't tell. It seems like it is taking years, and I physically can't move. I don't see Haley, but I know there is no way she made it. I try to look for her, but I just stand where I am, screaming her name.
The smell of burning flesh, gasoline, and smoke fill the air, and my eyes fill with tears. I don't try to hold them in, I just let them fall. The smell reminds me of the plane crash, and as I see someone's face in a flame, I think, that's how my parents went. Not peacefully like I've tried so hard to believe. I used to lie in my bed and pray that no one else would die, especially burn to death, ever again. I always thought that would be the worst death. But here I am, standing, completely unable to move, as tons of people burn to death around me. And it's my fault.
I feel like I am separate from my body. Like I am watching this all happen from a different perspective. Somehow, my clothes are still completely in tact. I keep thinking about stupid things, like how the tires of cars are melted to the pavement, and how my phone is still in my pocket. I think it is ringing, but I don't bother to check.
I shake my head and try to focus on what happened. The screams have quieted a little, and I can't help but think that is because the screamers are dead. Finally, I will myself to move. I look around, and I see so many bodies in the flames, I try to count, but my mind is too fogged. I just want to find Haley. I am screaming her name when I turn around and see Johnny laying on the ground, face up. He is hardly recognizable, but I recognize his clothes and the stupid tribal tattoo he got over the summer. I gasp, and again, I am frozen. Every memory I had with Johnny comes flashing up, from fifth grade to an hour ago. It's like the word won't actually form in my head. I can't think it, I try not to think it. Johnny, one of my best friends, is dead. I killed him. He was one of the only guys I could ever be serious with. He was one of the only people who knew about my real parents.
I drop to the ground next to him, crying as hard as I can. I don't know what to do, I can't put the flames out, and I can't bring him back. I fall to my knees and sob. I know I am screaming but I don't know what I am saying. He looks horrifying. His face has practically melted away, exposing raw bone and muscle.
I grab his charred hand, and cry harder. I look around and next to him, I see another body. I hope as hard as I can that it isn't someone I know. This would be so much easier if it isn't someone I know. But I recognize the bright yellow shirt, and the ratty torn jean shorts, and mostly, the silver watch that Ano wore everyday. He said his dad gave it to him before he left or something. The thing was cheap and pretty much useless, but it was his prized possession. I contemplate taking it for a minute, so I can have something of his, but I don't. It's his, and it always will be.
The smell of burnt hair and flesh makes me want to throw up, but not as much as the realization that I killed my two best friends. The two guys who were there for me whenever I needed them. They taught me how to sneak out and smoke a joint, and all of those things that seem so important at the time. It's seems like that happened so long ago, or like it was a dream. The only thing that is real is right now.
I know it is useless, but I bend down and try to listen to Ano's heart, and I pray that it might still be beating. I listen, and when I hear nothing, I start sobbing even harder. I know I must sound like a dying hyena or something, but I can't stop and I don't try.
I figure I might as well not just stand around and cry. I need to see if anyone made it. I hear less and less screams coming from around me, and my heart sinks. I walk past what seems like tons of unrecognizable bodies, and I just keep hoping that I don't know them, but I keep walking past familiar things. My mind has become so fogged up, probably from the smell and the smoke, that I can't tell if I recognize them from random kids I saw in the hall or if the clothes and body parts actually belong to my friends.
I finally walk out of the flames, and I hear a fire truck making it's way towards the school. People are everywhere, screaming, crying. Some are unconscious, but I can tell they are still alive, and a few others are badly burned. I feel people looking at me as I walk out of the flames, unscathed. They must know. They have to know I did this. I start to wish that I had died. For the second time in my life, I watched the people I knew and love burn to death, and I came out the survivor. This time was different though. This time I caused the flames.
I hear the fire truck coming closer, and people are shouting at me, but I don't know what they are saying. I look around and I don't see Haley. I don't see anyone I know; all the faces just blur together. Fear and anger and grief and shock all decide to hit me at once. They hit me so hard, I don't know what to do. So I run.
I run as fast as I can, cutting through yards and neighborhoods. I live five miles from school, but I run to my house. I probably run a lot longer than it seems, because I am legitimately surprised when I get to my house. I fish for my keys in my pocket, and I don't find them. I grab the spare key from the top of the door frame and run inside as quickly as I can. I don't bother to shut the door behind me. I just run up the stairs and fall on the floor as soon as I reach my bedroom.
I lay there and cry for what feels like forever. I am thoroughly convinced that I lost all sense of time. Ano is dead. Johnny is dead. Kaleb and Tyler are probably dead. Haley is dead. Kaylee is probably dead. And I did it. The words keep replaying in my mind like a broken record. I try to recount how many bodies I saw, but I can't think straight enough.
I look at my phone and I have eight missed calls from Kaylee. I breathe a sigh of relief. If she can call me, she must be alive. I debate with myself whether I should call her back or not, but I can't. She must know I did it by now, and no way in hell will she want to talk to me. I decide to listen to the voicemail she left me.
"Alex, please call me." She is obviously crying. "I don't know what happened, but Ano, Johnny and Kaleb are… they are gone, Alex. And Tyler is unconscious, and I just want to know that you are okay. Please let me know you are okay."
And then I listen to the other one. "Alex, why won't you call me? Lauren said she saw you walk out of the fire and you were okay, but you just ran. Please call me. Everyone is saying this is your fault. Tell me it isn't. Please." She is sobbing by this message.
I can't decide if it was a good or bad idea to listen to them. I want to call her back, but I can't. My phone starts ringing again, but I don't answer it. It is some number I don't recognize, but even if it were I couldn't answer. I don't think I can really do much right now except lay here and hope I wake up. Maybe if I try to go to sleep I will wake up. That is always how it happens in my dream. I close my eyes, but I know there is no way I am sleeping. My phone buzzes. I look at it, and it is a text message from the same number. "Eleven people have been declared dead. Thirteen more are in critical condition. If you know anything about how this happened, please call this number back or report to the scene." I read the sentence again. Eleven are dead. Eleven. I am seventeen years old and I have the blood of eleven people on my hands. I desperately want to call the number, to see who the people are, but I don't. I guess I am too afraid. I want to tell myself to suck it up and do it anyway, like I usually do, but I can't. I let the fear and the grief and the anger take over my body, until I can't feel anything else. I don't even know what I'm doing, but before I know it, there are two holes in the wall, and I have white and blue dust coating my fist.
I smell like death and burning humans. I don't know how I have put up with it so long. I decide to take a shower. I get in and turn the water up as hot as it will go. I feel like I need to be burned, like I deserve it or something. But it doesn't burn me. I can see steam coming off of my body, but it doesn't hurt. To be honest, it kind of pisses me off. I want it to hurt. I caused the fire, the least that could happen is that I could get a little burned too. I stay in there for a while, and I scrub and scrub, but the smell never seems to go away. I finally decide that it's as good as it's gonna get and I get out. The bathroom is completely steamed over so I can hardly see. I open the door and let the steam fill my bedroom. I quickly get dressed and fall onto my bed.
I start replaying the whole day in my head, from the dream to surfing, to school, and not sitting with Haley at lunch. I know I should feel really bad about that, but it's like every ounce of guilt I have in me has been taken up by the fact that I killed eleven people. Thirteen more are in critical condition. That probably means thirteen more will be dead eventually.
I want desperately to know who it was. I know Kaleb, Johnny and Ano. That means Tyler is alive. I remember seeing a girl in a blue skirt lying on the ground, and it seemed really familiar. Samantha Hall. She cheers with Kaylee. I try to rack my brain for anything else. I remember the Freshman I talked to before it all happened. Jason Hallapa. He definitely didn't make it; he was standing way too close to me. Obviously that guy. I don't regret that. I think I meant to kill him. I feel even worse for not feeling bad about that. I must be some sort of psychopath if I can kill someone and not feel horrible about it. You feel pretty horrible about the other ten. I try to remind myself. That must make up for it.
I am sitting in my room, while eleven families are realizing that their son or daughter is dead. I am sitting here while thirteen families wonder if their kid is gonna make it or not. I am sitting here, and I can't even muster up the guts to show my face to the families. I am the worst kind of horrible.