The "Secret Love Affairs"
of Hogwarts…
Tangled love affairs
everywhere.
Scene
One: The Gryffindor common room at midnight. Ron is lying in a chair and Harry is taking notes as Ron moans and
groans.
Ron: What's my problem, Harry?
Harry: (Looks up from drawing a doodle of Draco
being eaten by the Giant Squid) Hm? I think you should tell Hermione how you feel. She deserves the truth.
Ron:
Really?
Harry: It'll also give you a good excuse to talk to
her. Works for me.
Ron: I don't need an excuse. She's our best friend, remember?
Harry: (Shrugs. Starts to doodle again.) Whatever. If you don't want to do that, you could
always play slick and corner her after dinner and then try to seduce her.
Ron:
(Thoughtfully) Hmm…not a bad idea. Better than that other lame idea of yours. (Harry shrugs again and draws X's on Draco's eyes.)
Harry: How long have you even liked Hermione, Ron?
Ron:
Ever since we saw each other on the Hogwarts Express. Man, there was some chemistry going on there, man, real chemistry. She digs me. (Looks real slick.) I'm surprised she hasn't made the first move yet… (Harry rolls his eyes.)
* * *
Scene
Two: The Slytherin common room. Pansy
Parkinson is sitting on Draco Malfoy's lap. Draco looks disgusted.
Pansy: (Batting her eyes) Do you love me,
Draco?
Malfoy: Sure, whatever you say, Pansy, but do me a
favor…get off my lap. You're cutting
off my circulation. (Pansy gets
shoved off) That's better.
Pansy: So…Draco. There are vicious rumors going around that you and Hermione Granger are
a…thing. (Malfoy turns pink, but
Pansy doesn't see because the common room is dark)
Malfoy: Me? Me and that chipmunk? No way!
Zooms
to Malfoy writing in his "little pink book". *You have to watch enough episodes of 'Hey
Arnold!' to understand. *
Malfoy: No one can ever know how I truly feel about
you, my love. (He's talking to a
tiny little moving picture of Hermione that he took when no one was looking and
writing in his little pink book. He's
wearing a feather headress thing that he wears only when worshipping Hermione.
*) I anticipate the day when I will finally tell you all of my feelings and
hope that you will have the same. My -
what's that?? (Jumps off bed, stuffs
pink book under his mattress as the door opens and Pansy walks in.)
Pansy: Draco? What are you doing up here alone? (Squints into the dimness as Malfoy tries to back away.) Where are you? Draco? Come down to the
common room with me? (Sees Draco in
the very back of the dorm. Walks toward
him.) Draco, come on out!
Malfoy:
Uh….
Pansy: (Notices that Draco has not taken off his
headress.) What's on your head,
Draco? (Yanks off headress.) What in the world is this???
Malfoy: (As suavely as he can.) That? I, uh, wear that to bed.
Pansy: You do???
Malfoy: Yeah…it keeps my hair nice and shiny. (Runs fingers through his fingers.)
Pansy: Whatever. (Takes his hand.) Come
with me, Draco. Let's sit by the fire.
Malfoy: (Sighs.) Um…
Pansy: I knew you'd agree with me.
* * *
Scene
Three: Breakfast in the Great Hall.
Harry:
Hey, Ron.
Ron: Hmm? (Stares at Hermione as she enters the Great Hall.)
Harry: (Sees that Ron is distracted.) There's a…spider on your robe. (Ron jumps off.)
Ron: Aah! Ahh! Geroff! (People stare.)
Harry: Where's the toast?
Ron: (Still brushing at his robes.) At the Ravenclaw table. Over by those girls.
Harry: Thanks…oh. (He sees Cho Chang sitting right by the plate of toast.)
Ron: Oh, wait Harry! I found some toast right here! Harry…?
Harry: (Sits down next to Cho. Grabs a piece of toast.) Hey, Cho. (Puts his arm on the table and gets it stuck in the butter -
like Ginny in Book 2.)
Cho: (Staring at Harry's arm weirdly.) Hi…Harry.
Harry: So how are you?
Cho: Great…could you, uh, move your arm? I need to butter my toast. (Harry just realizes his robe is now
buttery as he moves his arm.) Thank
you.
Harry: No prob. (Takes a stab at making a conversation.) Do you like toast?
Cho: (Nodding suspiciously.) Sure…toast is good. I like toast.
Harry:…(Dreamily)…I
like you…(Cho chokes on her toast.)
Cho: What did you say??? (Harry looks startled.)
Harry: I said…I like…stew! Right, stew…(Points to a large bowl of
beef stew.) Nothing like a good
bowl of stew in the morning…(Stands up and starts walking away fast.) Well, gotta go! (Bumps into Ginny, then runs away. Cho looks very confused.)
* * *
*This
is in no way true. Just make
sure you remember that, 'kay?