Harry Potter and Harry's Barbecue in Harry's Backyard
By J.K. Howling
Harry had too much meat to say the least. Sixty steaks, forty pounds of hamburger meat, and several deer, squirrel, and raccoon carcasses from the side of the road; and all the meat slabs were overflowing out of Harry's General Electric refrigerator, his freezer, and his mini-fridge that the Boy Who Lived kept in his garage. The biggest problem was only so much of it could be microwaved and forced down the gullets of Harry's family members: Ginny, James, Albus, Lily and the newest addition to the family, lil' baby Goat Potter. Harry's meat problems nearly monopolized all of his thoughts.
"I got so much meat that it's spilling out of my ear holes. It's got a monopoly in my noggin'," said Harry as he woke up in a cold sweat. Harry was always sweaty. The doorbell continued to ring as if it was being rung a lot by someone pressing his or her finger repeatedly down on the doorbell button outside the front door.
It was the dead of evening. Who would possibly be at the door at such a reasonable time of day? Harry knew something was not right. Harry's wand was just out of his reach on his nightstand, but it did not stop him from using the summoning charm. "Accio broomstick," Harry shrieked into the ear next to him, which belonged to his sleeping wife, Ginny.
Ginny's eyes did not open, as they were sealed shut with sleep, but still she stumbled her way out of her side of the bed, kicked her feet through the sea of empty gin bottles that occupied hers and Harry's bedroom floor, and riffled through their walk-in closet until she found Harry's newest broomstick, the Sick Stick 3000. She tossed it into her husband's waiting hand.
Harry dialed 9-1-1 into his Samsung Galaxy S7 and whispered to the operator, "I love magic." He promptly hung up.
"Harry, I love you to the moon and back and you are the greatest broomstick rider that I've ever laid my eyes on, which I can't do currently because I have a bad habit of not wiping the sleep from my eyes for months on end," sang Ginny to her doting husband. They both had a long belly laugh for only a couple seconds. Ginny then took out her wand and shot the killing curse at the Boy Who Lived, just grazing the top of Harry's scalp and blasting a hole in the wall behind him. They both laughed at the irony of it all.
Harry rode his Sick Stick 3000 out the window of his bedroom and over the street where probably like 40 people stood, praying towards his house. "All hail Harry! All hail Harry!" they chanted every day, all day long.
Muggles were useless and needed to be ruled, Harry thought. He always knew it and a lot of readers misinterpreted that in the previous books. Harry did not disagree with Voldemort on anything that the Dark Lord was doing. Nay, Harry's main problem with the Dark Lord was that he didn't go far enough. Harry was too progressive for such an establishment figure as Lord Voldemort. Harry Potter was a maverick.
"A lot of dumb readers never picked up on that," Harry screamed down at his followers until veins became visible from his neck and forehead. Changing his gaze to the front door, he discovered the perpetrator of the doorbell ringing: Harry's best friend, Ron Paul Weasley. Next to the man, Ron Paul Weasley had a charcoal mini-grill.
"What the fuck?" thought Harry Potter as he began to freefall from his broom to his best friend, Ron Paul Weasley. The Boy Who Lived used his wand to use magic to make a hang glider appear out of thin air, which Harry grabbed and used to glide down to the ground, landing on like about three Muggles, who died instantly from the impact.'
"What the fuck?" thought Harry Potter as he began to approach his best friend, Ron Paul Weasley.
"Hairy Potter, how are you, you raving madman who married my sister and fathered four beautiful nieces and nephews for me, all of whom I refuse to see even on holidays?" asked Ron Paul Weasley. Harry sobbed for five minutes straight. It was a new record.
"I came from Home Depot to bring you this charcoal mini-grill that I found there and paid $3,000 pounds for. I'm sorry that I came here at such a reasonable hour, but I have bad news to share," mouthed Ron Paul Weasley silently.
"I'm so sorry for your loss. She was a good friend of ours," said Harry as he took out his phone and played Angry Birds.
"Hermione passed away two hours ago from old age. She was 39 years old and she now belongs to the ages, like Abe Lincoln," cried Ron Paul Weasley to his friend, Harry Potter, who stood playing games on his phone.
"I'm so sorry for your loss. She was a good friend of ours," said Harry as he closed the Angry Birds app on his phone, only to reopen it because he realized it was really fun and he missed it with all of his heart. "What am I supposed to use this stupid, shitty-looking grill for, you fucking, disease-ridden asshole?"
Ron Paul Weasley shook his head with laughter. They were such awesome friends. "You know how Dean Thomas installed those video cameras in your house against your will? Well, he and I were on Google Hangout in 2014 and he told me that you had a ton of meat that no one was eating. Grills spontaneously combust with flames and cook anything you put on them and make them edible for all humans."
Harry shook his head with grief. Technology was moving super fast in this millennia and he did not know where science would take the world next. "A microwave for the outside? Sounds like a bad idea to me, Ron Paul Weasley, but if you insist that it can do what you described it doing, then I shall host a barbecue party and invite so many people that you'll beg me to send people home, and I won't listen."
Ron Paul Weasley and Harry Potter wrapped their arms around each other, laughed about old times, and shot the killing curse out of their wands at lizards that scampered by. It was like they were back at Hogwarts again, but not really.
The fiftieth wheelbarrow of meat was hauled out by James and Lily Potter and dumped it into the meat pit that Harry had spent sixty hours digging in their backyard. Albus was holding lil' baby Goat Potter and nobody paid them any attention as they swung on the Potter's backyard Rainbow Playset because they were losers. The barbecue party was in less than eight minutes and Harry was starting to feel pressed for time.
Ginny had decided to go out for a drink with the girls the morning of the party, which inconvenienced Harry quite a bit. However, he knew that it would lead to something interesting in the course of the party's events. He would just have to wait and see.
Professor McGonagall showed up two minutes early to the party with a large Pizza Hut pizza in hand. Three things bothered Harry about this occurrence: 1) Harry hated people who blissfully ignored the time set on his RSVP invitations, 2) Professor McGonagall was his least favorite teacher from Hogwarts, and 3) The Potter household was strictly a Papa Murphy's pizza haven and there was no excuse for having anything else on the premises.
Harry took his wand out, lit the pizza box on fire using magic that came out of the wand, and stuck the tip of his wand stick into the throat of his old professor. "You just made the wrong move, McGonagall," snapped the Boy Who Lived through his teeth. Out of his pocket he took a Time Turner and tossed it to his eldest son, James Potter. "Go back in time, Jamie. You know what to do to this Mudblood."
James disappeared in time for a while, but in his absence Professor McGonagall began screaming horrendously and faded out of existence. Harry's first party guest's birth had successfully been prevented. "What a fun party! #ByeByeMcGonagall" posted Harry on his Facebook page. His status got three likes.
Harry looked out across his yard. There was barely anything to it. Only grass, a meat pit, and a barbed wire fence keeping everything inside and the world outside of it.
His charcoal mini-grill was cooking up fourteen pounds of meat every four minutes and Harry's six other guests were mixing and mingling in the yard. Harry's daughter of legal age, Lily, and the old Hogwarts gamekeeper, Rubeus Hagrid, were engaged in a heated exchange near the Potter's koi pond, seemingly over the engagement ring that Hagrid had in his grip. "What could that be about?" yelled Harry to everyone in the vicinity discretely.
Nearly Headless Nick, a Hogwarts ghost, sat in a bag chair with a bottle ofElmer's glue, trying and failing to glue the rest of his head on. He sobbed quietly to himself, which made Harry laugh. Meanwhile, laying out, sunbathing and gorging on meat by the screen door was Lucius Malfoy, who was entertaining James, Albus and Goat by letting them all twirl their fingers in his thick mat of blonde chest hair. Lucius truly was the definition of a man! They all laughed for the entire evening for about two hours.
Harry scraped off the turkey-hamburger-deer meat pile from his grill and let it fall into his meat pit. In the pit collecting some of the cooked meat were some of Harry's closest friends, Professor Slughorn and Professor Trelawney. The Boy Who Lived watched silently as both Slughorn and Trelawney reached for a raw piece of juicy meat and touched each other's hands inadvertently, sending a sexual charge through both of them. Harry and his final guest, Aunt Petunia, took out their phones from Sprint and recorded the professors ripping their clothes off and engaging in coitus. It was kind of hot.
"Harry, my adorable boy nephew, this is the best barbecue I have ever attended! So much meat for me to shovel down my esophagus," said Aunt Petunia in her typical loving voice. "This reminds me of Thanksgiving 2003 where you, Dudley, Uncle Vernon, your uncle, and Aunt Marge had an eating competition; so much food and so many laughs."
The two quickly said the Lord's Prayer eight times. Suddenly remembering that the eating contest had actually taken place, Harry laughed until tears streamed down his face and veins popped out of his neck. Meanwhile, Aunt Petunia had collapsed into the meat pit after being hit with three jets of green magic light stuff.
Harry continued grilling for half an hour. At one point he dropped his spatula in the grill's coals, which led to him improvising one out of a twig that had fallen from a tall and mighty oak nearby, located in Harry's backyard where the barbecue was being held, in case anyone forgot. Harry gasped, realizing that his poor Auntie Petunia, a woman who smothered him his entire life, was dead because a magic light thing hit her and killed her dead. He turned around to see where the magic had come from a half an hour ago. There, standing where she had apparently stayed for a while, was Harry's wife, Ginny.
Harry noticed three things instantly over the course of a few moments of processing everything about his wife: 1) Ginny had red hair; 2) Ron Paul Weasley was quivering behind her on a leash; and 3) Ginny's wand had been whittled into the shape of a gun.
"Prepare to die, Potter," murmured Ginny.
"I'm not going to hurt you," Ginny promised. Harry was inclined to believe her. "As you can see, I have red hair now. I'm not a blondie anymore. Sorry, hun." Harry dropped to his knees and cried to the heavens. God grinned down at him.
"My wife, you are so dangerous and sexy. I could never really peg you down! Even at Hogwarts you had a big personality that overwhelmed mine. Now that I'm a host of a party and all of our closest friends are talking to me, I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it, Ms. Center-of-attention! That's why I love you," said Harry.
"Ahhh," sighed everyone at the party collectively and on cue. Everyone had circled around the two, while eating large chunks of meat.
"You really got me pegged, baby. You are the only one who knew that I looked for and obtained Voldemort's journal in one of the first few books in the original series just so I could get more attention than you. Ever since we got married, I have been afraid of you hogging the spotlight. That's why I boned Neville Longbottom on the streets of Hogsmeade in 2009, but we all know how that turned out," said Ginny sarcastically.
"No one gave a fuck!" cheered Hagrid.
"That's right, Ruby," said Ginny. "No one talked about it and the Boy Who Lived didn't care! So what did I do next? I killed Neville Longbottom at King's Cross Railway Station by pushing him in front of the Hogwarts Express, killing him instantly with the killing curse and subsequently letting the train run over his dead body. And still no one said a word!"
"Damn straight!" croaked Slughorn as he had sex with Professor Trelawney in the meat pit.
"Ginny, what's up? Why are you so upset?" asked Harry.
"Harry, she's gone mad! Help me," screamed Ron Paul Weasley as he untied himself from his leash, got up and joined the crowd of people.
"Then I started thinking," added Ginny, "What is the only way I could steal attention away from you at this party?"
Harry gasped as he put all the pieces together. It was so obvious! "The grill…" Harry whispered.
"That's right, Harry Potter!" Ginny then redirected her wand-gun from Harry to the charcoal mini-grill and shot a blast of red magic light at it, obliterating it in a huge explosion. All of the guests politely clapped at her marksmanship. "The famous Harry Potter who promised a bunch of meat to his throngs of party guests suddenly cannot fulfill his obligations as barbecue grill master. You lose, Harry Potter!"
His wife was being such a buzzkill, Harry thought. How on Earth was he going to defeat his wife, Ginny Weasley? He had defeated Voldemort, but that was such an easy task in hindsight, especially compared to the obstacle that lay in front of him now. His guests were promised meat and they only had some cooked clumps to hold them over for a while. Where was he going to cook the rest of the meat?
The Boy Who Lived took a stroll around London to think over all of his options. After six hours, the answer finally came to him. He had to go to the man who had helped him defeat Voldemort! Only he could help him defeat the tyranny of Ginny Weasley. But how was Harry supposed to get a two way ticket to Tallahassee in such short notice?
"How am I supposed to get a two way ticket to Tallahassee in such short notice?" thought Harry out loud. Then he remembered that he had been carrying his broomstick around with him all day. He hopped on it and flew to Tallahassee, which only took five minutes because of magic and frequent-flyer miles.
Upon arriving at his mentor's magic casino, he took a break and went to the magic slot machines. He didn't strike it rich and in fact increased the massive amount of magical credit card debt the Potter household was willfully ignoring. Harry then took a magic elevator up to the magic fiftieth floor where he would find his mentor and acclaimed, powerful and magical wizard: Cornelius Fudge.
Harry continuously banged both of his fists against the beautiful big brass doors which walled him off from Fudge's living quarters in the casino. Harry knew this was the super secret knock Fudge used for all of his entry doors. After several minutes, the doors swung open and Harry fell into the living quarters at the feet of one Cornelius Fudge.
"Harry Potter, my mentee, it is so nice to see you. What's up?" Harry didn't say a word to Fudge. Instead, the two men walked silently into a big beautiful brass office where Fudge oversaw the day-to-day activities of his casino.
"Harry Potter, my mentee, it is so nice to see you. What's up?" said Fudge with much glee.
"Shut your trap, Fudge, and listen here! I'm looking for your guidance in how to deal with my wife. She blew up my grill and now my guests can't eat all of the meat! You never told me that I would face bigger obstacles in life than killing and maiming Lord Voldemort," Harry screamed at his old friend.
"Harry, remember when I was Minister for Magic in the original book series? Pah! What a racket that turned out to be! I was too good at the job and didn't really love doing it. I only stayed around to help you, the Chosen One, defeat Lord Voldemort because heaven knows no one else was helping you! After that minor conflict ceased, I moved to Tallahassee to open up a casino, which I love with all of my heart. You know I'm a great wizard and I can do crazy things with magic, but what I learned is that no magic is as powerful as the magic of money."
"But, Professor Dumbledore, what am I supposed to be getting out of this? You were always so cryptic with your lessons," said Harry. At that moment a small knock came from the door.
"Come in. I'm not busy," yelled Cornelius as he wiped sweat from his forehead. It's so damn hot in Tallahassee! Damn!
In walked two men in suits and tinted black shades and in between them they carried a meek looking man who looked like really scared. Harry instantly recognized him as Percy Weasley. "Sir, we got a guy here who says he can't pay off his debts to the casino. What would you like us to do to him?" asked both of the men in suits simultaneously.
"Make him sleep with the fishes!" declared Cornelius Fudge, banging his fists on his big beautiful brass desk. As the two large men carried Percy Weasley to the big beautiful brass office window, he and Harry exchanged smiles and a friendly wave. The two men proceeded to open the window and chuck Percy Weasley out of it. Percy died.
"See, Harry," pointed out Cornelius Fudge in a blind fury. "You find instant solutions to problems whenever love is involved. That's how you defeated Voldemort and you can do it again. You get what I'm saying?"
Harry laughed and shook his head no, then stopped laughing and shook his head yes. He sat and watched Cornelius Fudge play five finger fillet for a few minutes, witnessing the ex-Minister for Magic lose three of his big beautiful brass fingers to the knife. Harry knew what he had to do.
Harry arrived back at his barbecue party with just some time to spare. All of the guests were still having a great time. Trelawney and Slughorn were still going at it in the pit and his daughter Lily was busy tonguing Nearly Headless Nick to make Hagrid jealous, which was working. All of the other guests were doing whatever happily. However, everyone's tummies were starting to rumble from the lack of promised meat from the Boy Who Lived.
"Well, my husband?" sneered Ginny. "What's your big master plan to get you out of this one? Or do I win and finally get the attention back that I always used to get at Hogwarts?"
All of the party guests gasped at what was transpiring.
"I do have a plan, Gin," said Harry mockingly, "And it's the same way I beat Voldemort: love. All it took was Cornelius Fudge to show me what it truly means. Now…let me show you."
All of the party guests clapped and whooped as Harry approached Ginny and kissed her. Ginny, becoming turned on, dropped her wand-gun and proceeded to kiss him back. Before the nasty, nasty sex began, Harry waved his wand, conjuring some spells on the two of them to make sure that things got extra freaky.
Ginny and the Boy Who Lived kissed each other really hardcore and the magic had made it so their tongues grew extra long, sliding down each other throats. This sensation was so foreign to the two of them, but yet it felt so right. As they continued kissing, Harry ripped off his wife's prairie dress and bonnet, exposing Ginny's naked, supple and awesome body to the glow of the sun.
Harry fell to the ground, ready for Ginny to remove his clothing in a super hot way. So, Ginny picked up Harry's wand and cast a spell, turning her husband's clothing into a black crow, which flew away. It was clear that the spell was super hot to Harry because his exposed penis was very erect. Ginny knew Harry's erect penis would be awesome for sex.
The magic started doing awesome and cool things to their bodies too. Ginny's breasts grew to the size of oversized lampshades and Harry's penis grew into the size of a water cooler. "I love magic," they both whispered as Ginny climbed on top of Harry's penis and began the sexing.
"I knew sex was awesome, but I didn't know it could be this awesome!" said Lucius Malfoy in an intriguing tone. Indeed, the sex was really awesome! It was so awesome that Professors Trelawney and Slughorn had to stop banging in the meat pit because they knew this sex couldn't be missed.
After some time having sex, the married couple both drank Polyjuice potion out of each other's palms. Within a nanosecond Harry transformed into Professor Flitwick and Ginny transformed into Madam Pomfrey, except that this Flitwick had a penis bigger than himself and Pomfrey had slightly larger knockers. All the guests applauded at the sight because they had all imagined these two staples of Hogwarts going at it and they now realized seeing them go at it in the flesh was a lot hotter.
The sex abruptly stopped after a couple minutes and the pair transformed back into their normal selves. Ginny was so pleased with Harry's magically large penis and Harry was pleased that Ginny's breasts were big and that her vagina stayed as is because it was already pretty great the way it was.
Ginny felt her stomach. "Harry," she said, "I think we're going to have another baby!"
The huge crowd of guests cheered at the miracle of life and at the awesome sex that had just witnessed. Shortly thereafter, Ron Paul Weasley stepped forward, wheeling out a charcoal mini-grill.
"Harry and Ginny, everyone here thought what you two did was really awesome. Love does always win! Plus, your marriage got fixed! All of us guests thought what happened was so cool and magical that we all pitched in and bought you a brand new charcoal mini-grill. Let's start cooking!"
Harry grinned from ear to ear. Today had been really good, he thought.
Where are they now?
Ron Paul Weasley died of a heart attack three years later. He was 63 years old.
Lily Potter got pregnant. She narrowed down the potential father to two leading suspects...
Nearly Headless Nick was killed by Rubeus Hagrid. The half-giant then went off the grid.
Lucius Malfoy finally achieved the purple belt status at his local karate school.
Professor Slughorn was busted for selling heroin.
Professor Trelawney is serving time in prison for jailbreaking heriPod.
Professor McGonagall never existed.
Aunt Petunia was given a ceremonial burial at sea.
Cornelius Fudge is raking in so much dough at his Tallahassee casino.
The other Potter children were busted for buying heroin.
Harry and Ginny Potter filed for divorce on October 24, 2015. They are now living separately.