Generic disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo, nor do I claim to be. This is my first fanfiction of this caliber in years.

Shippings: One-sided RenRuki and IchiHime. Contains jossed IchiRuki.

Warnings: Strong language. Alcohol use. Boys talking about feelings.

Dedication: Dedicated to my best friend Katie, with whom I am doing a fanfiction trade.

"Because that was the moment I realized…she was my sun. She drew me in, was merciful, and guided me with her light…she did all this without even trying. I was simply happy to be in her orbit." – Isshin Kurosaki, chapter 536

Out of nowhere, he said, "Do you ever think we should just…stop doing this?"

Ichigo swiveled around in his desk chair. "What?"

Sitting on the floor of Ichigo's room was Renji, leaned up against his bed. His head rested atop the mattress, messy red hair spilling over the sheets, and he stared with dull, dark-ringed eyes at the ceiling. In his hand was a bottle of god-knows-what; whatever it was, it reeked of high alcohol content and something else Ichigo found repulsive, and was half-empty.

An hour ago, Ichigo had been busy at his work when Renji had staggered through his window, looking pretty raw – he was hunched over and strangely gaunt, and somewhat red-faced from drunkenness.

Normally, Ichigo would have tried to throw him out, but when he saw the state Renji was in, he tried to figure out what could have got him that pitiful. In response, Renji had simply pressed his hand over his eyes and shook his head, taking his seat on the floor. He had not spoken since, only moving to take a small swig from the bottle, and let Ichigo work in silence. Until now, that is.

Renji continued to stare upwards, and he put his arm over his forehead. Unsure Renji had actually heard him, Ichigo reiterated: "Stop doing what?"

Sighing, Renji sat up partway, examining the bottle in his hand as if it were an unsolved Rubik's cube. "I don't know…being like this?"

Though Ichigo could admit he was surprisingly articulate for the amount of alcohol he had downed, it was a struggle to understand him. "If you mean getting drunk, you're on your own here." Renji attempted to glare at him and put the bottle to his lips again. "And that smells disgusting. The fuck is it?"

Renji shrugged and took a gulp, setting the bottle down on the ground next to him. "Nah, I don't – I don't know. I just grabbed it." Ichigo tensed as Renji pushed the bottle towards him, but waved his wobbly hand through the air. His eyes found the ground, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not even what I'm talking about."

"What are you talking about, then?"

"Stop all this…hiding things."

Ichigo scratched the back of his head. "Uh…well, I don't really have anything to hide from you, man." He paused, and before a blearily blinking Renji could respond, asked, "What are you hiding, exactly?"

Snorting, Renji said, "Nothing from you," with a very typical lopsided happy face. Before Ichigo could even begin to hope he was feeling a little better, the smile fell out of his face, top-down, like water – or alcohol – had been poured down his face and dripped all the happiness away from it.

"Good to know." Ichigo turned to get back to his homework. There wasn't much of it left – half a page of math problems.

"That's – that's not –" Renji said from behind him, cutting off with a quiet belch. "Aw fuck." Ichigo rolled his eyes. This was the drunken Renji he was familiar with. Once, at a picnic hosted by Captain Ukitake that he and his friends, Renji had gotten into a drinking contest with Captain Kyoraku.

It went about as well as one would expect. Renji had been mumbling and incoherent for the rest of the night. The poor sap had tried to get Inoue, also present, to reject his drinking. She refused him gently despite his persistence, chiding that he needed to learn a lesson, but gladly provided him with water, medicine from the Fourth Division, and a cold towel for his face. Ichigo had found himself wondering how someone could be so unconditionally kind.

Renji tried again. "That's still not what I mean. I have…" Ichigo turned back around, a bit forcefully, to see Renji staring at the bottle again. "I have important things to say." He turned his brown eyes to Ichigo, setting the bottle down again. Behind his headband, his tattooed brow was furrowed – he looked like he was in immense pain.

Ichigo leaned back in his chair, sighing. "Need something for your head, Renji?"

"No, I just –" Renji paused, pulling his knees up to his head and resting it against them. His hair spilled over his shoulders. "I just almost did it today."

"Did what?" There was an agonized groan and Renji hunched up further, wrapping his arms around his shins. Ichigo blinked, and the pieces started falling into place. Very few things could get Renji this thoroughly upset.

"…Almost, huh?" He could see Renji nod against his knees. Ichigo could feel his own shoulders relax involuntarily, and he was compelled to sit by his friend. Casting a glance back, he shrugged. It wasn't every day that Renji showed up in the world of the living, and even more unlikely that he'd look so emotionally broken. Homework could wait a bit.

He crossed the room and, scooting the god-awful smelling bottle aside, slid down next to Renji, sighing. "What made you booze it out this time instead of all the other times?"

Releasing his legs from his grip, Renji sighed and leaned back to stare at the ceiling again. "I – I don't even know, man." He pressed his hand to his forehead, squinting, and pushing the black cloth out of place. "I guess…I convinced myself I could, but when I found her…she just…" He wiped his hand down his face. "She just looked so happy. I couldn't risk ruining her day."

Ichigo snorted. "Ruining her day?" Renji rolled his head to look at Ichigo with bloodshot eyes. "I bet you'd have made her day."

Renji sat up and shook his head. "No, no. I – I just want her to be happy. I can't just fuckin'…fuckin' go up and say that." Before Ichigo could say anything, he covered his eyes with his hand again, gritting his teeth, and said, "But I really should have."

Ichigo put a hand on Renji's shoulder, and he slumped. "It's scary, man. I can't…" he paused, looking at Ichigo, who patted his shoulder. Renji didn't have to say it. In return, Renji nodded and sighed. "I want to. I just…she's my best friend, but I love her so much. How do I even talk about that?"

He harkened back to Renji's first words. "So what…you want to stop dancing around the subject and get it done?" Renji nodded again. "I think Rukia would admire that." It was hard to tell from her perspective, but Ichigo liked to think Rukia reciprocated. Or would, at least, give Renji a chance.

"You think so, huh," Renji said. He grinned, but it was half-hearted. Ichigo still counted it as a step forward. "I guess, maybe…I can try again. Tomorrow or something."

Ichigo clapped him on the shoulder and offered a smile. "That's the spirit."

"You too."

Ichigo blinked. "What?" Last time he'd checked, he'd not openly been attempting to confess to anyone for years. Or struggling with his feelings. Or doing anything even slightly romantically inclined. Or, hell, letting Kon have control of his body. Still, he felt himself fidget.

"I said 'we.' And I see the way you look at her," Renji said, and Ichigo was immediately sure Renji was losing the slight grip he'd had on sobriety to talk about Rukia. Or maybe he was just slow noticing how terribly Renji's breath smelled like the bottle, and for insurance, Ichigo pushed it further away.

Still, it was probably the best course of action to humor a drunk guy with a sword. So Ichigo asked, "What is it you see, exactly?"

Renji snorted. "I would tell you not to play dumb…" Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "But I don't think you're playin'. I think you honestly don't think I know."

"Enlighten me."

"Youuuu," Renji said, the grin on his face looking more genuine, "have a crush."

"Youuuu," Ichigo said, mimicking his tone, "are drunk as hell." It came out more half-hearted than he intended. Renji noticed.

"Am I?"

Ichigo reached behind him and shook the half-empty bottle. "Yes." He set it down with a thunk, and Renji rolled his eyes. Scowling, Ichigo continued. "Seriously, dude, you have to be fucking kidding me. A crush? I've been saving the world, not chasing skirts."

"That's not…a good way to put it. I'm not chasing skirts either."

Rolling his eyes, Ichigo gave an over-loud sigh. "That's because you haven't looked at another girl since you met Rukia."

"Pft, I looked. Just…" Renji's face reddened slightly, though it was hard to tell, considering he was already pretty flushed. "I never, uh…never found anyone better." Ichigo smirked a little. The entire Renji-interested population Gotei 13 probably figured out early on that there was no point in trying.

Renji then threw his arms halfway up, letting them flop down heavily at his sides. "That's not even what I'm talking about, Ichigo. We already know I love Rukia."

"Okay. So you think I have a crush." Ichigo leaned until his back was resting on his desk, and folded his arms, looking away. "Ridiculous assumption, but go ahead."

"You like Inoue."

Ichigo whipped his head back around, and he could feel how wide his own eyes were stretching. Judging by Renji's grin, it was prominent. "What?! That's ridiculous. I –"

"Went to Hueco Mundo to save her."

"I did the same thing for Rukia. You don't wanna imply I like her too, do you?"

"You're always protecting her –"

"She doesn't fight that much!"

"—even though she's got a super-strong shield, Ichigo! Super strong!" Admittedly, Renji had beaten Ichigo's logic on this one. Which was sad, considering the drunken giggling he was producing as he watched Ichigo squirm.

"That doesn't mean I like her!"

"You smile around her."

"I smile around my sisters and my…" Ichigo paused, raking his mind for a good answer. Renji raised his eyebrows, grinning smugly. "No. Stop that. I don't like her."

"You don't, huh."

"Nope." And even to Ichigo himself, it sounded weaker than it should have. Renji's grin just kept spreading, and he elbowed Ichigo in the arm. Any other time, he would have fought back, but he was too busy trying to divert his eyes; he could feel his cheeks growing pink. Not like this, Ichigo, not like this.

"Well, if you don't like her, why's yer face look like mine?" He looked around Ichigo to stare at the bottle. "You didn't drink any of that, did you? Shit's awful for you."

"No! That shit's gross. And I'm seventeen." He paused, looking down. Not like this. But it was going to be nigh impossible to convince Renji – drunk Renji, no less – that he was mistaken. Especially when he wasn't. He crossed his legs and draped his arms over them, leaning his face against his forearms. "I just think she's pretty, okay?" Downplaying it might save him some skin.

But that didn't placate Renji in the slightest. "Pssh, Ichigo," Renji said, putting his wobbly hand on Ichigo's shoulder, "I think Captain Kuchiki is the prettiest person like…ever. But I'm not like…" he gestured to Ichigo, flicking his wrist in a circle, "this with him. Thinking someone's pretty does not a crush make."

"…You think Byakuya is the prettiest person ever."

"That's…That's not the point." Renji waved his hand again, and his smile dropped. "I just think – I think you do so much for her. And you try to hide how you feel. And that's –" his voice lowered, and he ran a hand through his ponytail. "That's a bad idea. It fucks with you, after a while. Fucks with you real bad."

Ichigo looked down, shoulders tense. In his mind's eye, he could see her – in Soul Society, at school, in Hueco Mundo, at that silly picnic helping Renji with his headache – and he sighed. Not in frustration, not in anger, but because Inoue was there, in his mind, and she was kind and beautiful and brave and bright in every memory he had of her.

He ran a hand through his hair a few times over, gripping halfheartedly at the spikes as he felt his heart palpitate slightly. "How'd you know?"

Sighing, Renji leaned back to where he had been before, his long hair spilling over Ichigo's bedspread. "I didn't. Rukia did, though." He chuckled. "One of the times…I tried to tell her, you know? But I thought she liked you, at the time." Ichigo stared at him incredulously, and Renji shook his head. "It was right after the Soul Society…thing. I was all worried…

"And so I asked her, 'So Rukia…you like Ichigo, huh?' And I thought she might blush and deny it, or get really embarrassed, or kick me, or something. But she just laughed, and she said, 'No way! He's the biggest moron ever. And haven't you noticed how he looks at Orihime? Even if I did, I'd never have a chance!'

"Well, after that, I started noticing." Renji gestured for the bottle, and against his better judgment, Ichigo handed it to him. Renji took a small swig from it and heaved a sigh. "And I discovered that, when I paid attention, I could see it."

Ichigo hunched over slightly, and Renji offered him the bottle. For a moment, he was tempted to take it, but waved it away. Renji took another gulp and set it down on his opposite side. "So both you and Rukia know."

"That's about the size of it."

"Anyone else?"

Renji shrugged. "Couldn't tell you. I think – " he belched again, burying his mouth in his hand and coughing, eyes narrow. "Fuck – I think Rukia just knows you. I wouldn't know without her. So if you're worried about people finding out…I'd say you're probably okay. Though," he paused, looking at Ichigo with wide, curious eyes, child-like, "how long?"

Shrugging, Ichigo tried to recall the first time he'd felt his heart leap, or the first time he felt the blush on his cheeks, or the first time something in him had felt different around her. But in trying he found himself simply surrounded with images of her, smiling, and shook his head. "I don't know." He murmured. "It's a while now. A year, at least."

Ichigo stared downward at the empty spot next to him the bottle had sat at. He focused on it for a few minutes, as Renji took another drink or two from the bottle, before he sighed.

"There was something my dad once told me," he said, without looking up.

"Mm?" Renji said, his voice echoing through the glass bottle.

"When he told me about how he met my mom. She was a Quincy, you know." He heard Renji shift beside him, but did not look up. "They stayed together for years before they got married, had me…But he told me something I haven't let go of since."

"What's that?"

Ichigo looked up, staring straight forward. "That my mom was his sun, warm and merciful," he said, his voice trembling slightly, "and he was just happy to be in her orbit." He could feel Renji's eyes on him, and he dropped his head. Blushes did not come when he spoke so direly. But admitting how he felt made his heart feel small. "That really stuck with me, man – because I knew exactly how he felt when he thought that."

Pausing, he looked down. "Cheesy as hell, I know. My old man has a knack for it."

Renji, despite the darkening redness of his eyes, considered him with the utmost sobriety for a moment, before putting the bottle to his mouth again. "Yeah," he said. "but I get what you mean."

Please feel free to read and review as you please. However, character/shipping bashing will be ignored.