Chapter 1: Be Karkat

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Nobody even cares about you, not even Sollux.

Stop, stop, stop! I don't wanna listen to your stupid voice anymore!

Why? Because you know I speak the truth?

I slammed my head against the wall. Sollux was at work, and he was the only one who lived here so it's not like anyone would know.

Fucking kill yourself you piece of shit.

I leaned against the wall and slid down till I was curled in a ball against it with my head in my hands. The stupid voice in my head was right. I should just kill myself.

I can't do that, I thought. I don't want Sollux to find me. He'd have to clean up my bloody mess and that'll just piss him off.

I felt my phone go off in my pocket to find a text from Sollux.

ii got off work early and ii'll be home iin twenty

OKAY

I sighed.

He didn't know I had a crush on him, and he wasn't going to find out either.

Faggot!

"Shut up!" I yelled, suddenly very thankful that no one was home.

How about you make me shut up you worthless fuck!

I had named the voice in my head Jack. I don't know why, but I felt he needed a name.

"I don't know how to make you fucking shut up you assmunch," I growled to myself.

Then I guess you're stuck with me you fucking piece of shit.

An idea suddenly struck me.

I walked over to the medicine cabinet and grabbed a razor. I grabbed the lighter out of the drawer that Gamzee kept here for when he was over and forgot his lighter and melted some of the plastic till the blade slid out.

I had about 15 minutes, I think that was enough time.

I turned my arm over so the underside was facing up and slide the blade across my skin just below the elbow just hard enough where blood beaded to the surface almost instantly.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it sure wasn't that the pain would silence Jack. I didn't expect the pain to quench the pain that was wrecking havoc within my chest.

After 5 heavily bleeding lines were left on my arm, I stopped. I slipped the razor in my pocket and watched the blood drip into the sink.

After a few minutes, I pulled the gauze out of the cabinet and wrapped my arms up, applying pressure to the wounds as I had seen in movies.

After those were successfully soaked, I buried them in the bottom of the trash can and wrapped my arm up.

I walked out of the bathroom after pulling the sleeve of my sweatshirt down and straightening myself out. I walked through the kitchen and the living room into the hallway that led to Sollux and I's room.

I walked over to my dresser and pulled open the top drawer where I buried the razor blade under a sea of socks and boxers.

I sighed, and climbed into bed. I didn't feel like being awake right now.

I woke up about a half hour later to Sollux poking my face, "Wake up sleepy head, I got pizza on the way home."

I groaned and sat up, rubbing my eyes with my right arm. I held my left sleeve down as I got up, paranoid that he'd see.

It's not like he would give a shit anyway Karkat.

I sighed, I knew he wouldn't stay quiet for very long.

Sollux and I ate our pizza in the living room as Sollux sat on his computer coding something for his internship. He was so fucking brilliant at coding and computer stuff he managed to get an internship as a sophomore.

However this meant he had to balance an internship, a job, and college all at the same time. Plus his Bipolar disorder.

I didn't envy him at all.

Of course, I knew I was Schizophrenic, I wasn't stupid. When I figured out that Sollux couldn't hear Jack either, I thought back to high school Psychology and remembered the symptoms of Schizophrenia.

I had just about all of them.

I didn't talk much, even when I have to, but when I do talk I usually am snapping at people. I hardly do anything, and when something is planned for me to do, Sollux has to drag me out of the house to do them. My working memory is beyond terrible. I hear Jack. I get really scared that I'm gonna get attacked when I leave the house alone, or if I'm anywhere at night. My ability to focus left when Jack first started talking to me my freshman year of college.

I hadn't told Sollux about him, mostly because I knew he wouldn't give a shit.

How? Jack told me as such.

I finished my pizza and muttered that I was going to bed to Sollux, who didn't even notice.

I crawled into bed, and stared at the wall for what felt like hours.

You know, he's better off without you around. All you do is piss him off and cost him money. You know he barely puts up with you let alone like you back.

Fuck you Jack for knowing I like him.

You know I'm right though.

Shut up!

Why don't you make me you piece of shit!

I groaned and buried my face in the pillow, pulling the blanket over my head. I heard Sollux stumble in and shut the door. He grumbled something and climbed to the top bunk of the bed and adjust himself till he was comfortable. Shortly thereafter I heard his breathing even out.

You sick piece of shit, you're a fucking faggot. Can you imagine what would happen if he were to find out? He would kick you out so fast you'd be on the street before you knew what hit you.

I felt tears well up in my eyes. He was right, he was always right.

Don't cry you worthless fuck. Crying is for the weak.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself, but only succeeded in a strangled sound coming out of my throat that could only be a sob.

I covered my mouth when I heard Sollux shift on the top bunk. He muttered something in his sleep, but then was quiet again.

Can you imagine what would have happened if he woke? He would have told you exactly what I'm telling you. You are a weak, worthless piece of shit.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to break down and sob until my throat was raw.

But I couldn't.

When I finally fell asleep, tears falling freely from my eyes, it was almost dawn.