Bunnies on a Thursday

TalkingMime09

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the Back Street Boys. I don't own anything here but the plotline and, oh yes, the ice cream guy, Joe.

-----

The modest ice cream parlor, Vanilla Ice Cream and Cones, was doomed from the first day it opened.

There were many reasons that contributed to the parlor's unalterable fate. Firstly and most evidently, Vanilla Ice Cream and Cones sold only two things—vanilla ice cream and the cones to go with it—and the lack of variety alone drove sales downhill considerably rapidly. But even for an ice cream parlor that only sold vanilla ice cream in a cone, business could unmistakably be considered terribly appalling. More often than not, the parlor would be emptier than a materia shop after Yuffie had paid the owner a little "visit".

The next item on the List of the Obvious Shortcomings of That Stupid Ice Cream Parlor was the lack of employees. No exaggeration is made to the statement that there were absolutely no employees working in the parlor. The owner, for reasons that will soon become very obvious, could not find anyone who was willing to work in an ice cream parlor and thus, ran it himself.

However, the explanation for the parlor's incredibly poor business more likely lay somewhere more in the range of the ill-fated ice cream parlor's inopportune location, which was, to the misfortune of the owner, smack center of Icicle Inn.

Now, one could ask, exactly who was dumb enough to open an ice cream parlor in the middle of a loosely-populated, freezing town. Well, he carried no identification when he opened his little shop, but seemed to be recognized as the older brother of a young man running the hot cacao store, Hot Cacao and Mugs, down in tropical Costa del Sol. And for the lack of anything better to call the owner, everyone called him Joe.

So taking all this into consideration, one could imagine the reaction displayed on the part of the owner of the ice cream parlor, Joe, when very early one Thursday morning, a very displeased blonde man stormed though the doors. Only, the word "displeased" hardly did the man's expression justice. "Pissed off" was quite a bit more fitting. Dangling a cigarette out of the corner of his mouth, he sauntered up to the counter.

"Ahh yes", Joe speculated silently to himself as he watched the blonde. It had been so long since a customer had come though those doors that he had almost forgotten what a customer looked like. Customers must really have changed since the last time he saw one. Funny thing was that the blonde man was fully dressed in a set of fluffy, white, bunny pajamas and matching fluffy, white slippers. Very cute. In fact, the customer appeared downright comical in his pajamas while conveying, or at least, trying to convey, a very angry expression.

"What can I get for you?" Joe asked cautiously, hoping not to say anything that would offend or scare his customer. After all, it could have been very likely that customers could have evolved into shy little bunnies all this time that he hadn't seen one. That would explain the bunny outfit.

His polite offer was received with a cold glare. Slamming a piece of paper down onto the counter, the customer replied, "This Vanilla Ice Cream and Cones?"

"Yes, sir, pleased to be at your service." Apparently this little bunny wasn't as shy as he looked. Eyeing the blonde man's clothes, Joe tried to keep in mind that fluffy, bunny pajamas must have been in. He'd have to pick up a set on his way home.

The blonde glared again. "What you so &#$ happy about?" he shouted, thoroughly frightening the poor man behind the counter.

However, the customer, oblivious to the evident fear mirroring in Joe's eyes, impatiently shoved the piece of paper toward the owner, "Get this &$!# order filled and send it to Midgar, Sector 7, Seventh Heaven to Cid Highwind at three o' clock. Get it? Got it? Good! Man, I'm pissed…"

"Yes, sir." Joe replied, wincing as he made eye contact with the customer. He felt like he was back in the army.

As Cid turned on his heel and prepared to storm grumpily back out of the parlor in his own grumpy way, Joe took a glance at the sheet of paper that had been given him and noticed what must have been an error. Then he made one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

"Excuse me, sir. Our ad said we catered ice cream, not ice cream cakes."

A horrible second of silence passed before the explosion.

"&$#!#$$#$$#!!!!!!"

It took the Highwind pilot about a minute for his ranting to go from incomprehensible back to semi-understandable. By then, a very terrified Joe had picked up bits and pieces of what sounded like:

"The #$ hell if I care! Just get the &!$# thing delivered! I didn't let that spiky-haired &!$ wake me up at two in the morning to get the Highwind ready, fly up to the only catering ice cream shop on the Planet at Icicle Inn, to find out that you don't &!&#$ make cakes! Hell, I'm &#$ cold and tired, so just get your &!$# ass down at Midgar at three today and bring an ice cream cake with you!"

The wonderfully coherent speech was followed by a slamming door and the sound of footsteps in the snow.

Seconds passed by as Joe watched his only customer in five months leave. Sighing in relief, he glanced back down at the order. "Well, there's nothing to do but to get to work, I suppose. Midgar sure is far away…"

While Joe continued pondering his newest order (and only order, for that matter), the same blonde head peeked in through the doors.

"And bring some &!#$ tea with you, dammit!"

Another slam.

The owner of the ice cream parlor winced yet again. "Times really have changed," he observed with another sigh once his customer was safely out of earshot. "I remember a time when customers actually ordered in coherent sentences, minus the profanity." Feeling rather depressed, he marked down on the piece of paper to bring a cup of tea as well as the ice cream cake. Now how the hell was he going to find an ice cream cake in Icicle Inn…?

-----

Events were a bit more peaceful back at Midgar—Vincent was examining wine bottles down in the basement, Red XIII was attempting to the best of his abilities to write and send out invitations (which was quite an ordeal, taking into consideration that Red had no thumbs), and Barret was hunting his next victim; "victim" meaning the next unfortunate individual to help him with his gift to Tifa.

The gang was, to clarify any possible confusion, preparing for Tifa Lockheart's twenty-first birthday party. And so, naturally, Barret had been industriously sewing away for the last few hours. He was making her a pink, poofy dress.

Now all he needed was to make adjustments, so naturally, he needed someone to try it on for him, to see if it would fit. Unfortunately, there was no one in the rest of Midgar (and perhaps the rest of the Planet, as well) with the same… womanly build as Tifa's. Thus, a few accommodations, one of them being wearing a rather stuffed bra, were made, and lead to a very awkward chase scene, one including a large, dark-skinned man with a gun arm whispering, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting a Cwoud Stwife," and laughing idiotically before sneaking away in an all too conspicuous manner.

So while a black-haired ex-Turk by the name of Vincent was downstairs in the basement of the bar, searching for some nice wine that could be used for the party, a very distressed-looking, spiky Cloud Strife dashed into the room, a pink bow tied in his hair. Muttering curses underneath his breath, he frantically overturned or knocked over everything in his path.

Vincent was debating whether to speak or just not ask when Barret's not-so-melodic voice boomed down into the basement.

"Get yo' ass back in here and take this like a man, foo'!"

Upon hearing this, the swordsman jumped into the closet barrel, heedless of the question of how he would later get out. Shortly after Cloud had successfully twisted his body in such ways that he had managed the impossibility of fitting himself into a barrel far too small to hold his body's volume, the dark-skinned man waltzed into the room, holding up a poofy, hot pink dress.

Sure, "poofy" may not have been a real word, but from what Vincent gather, the dress was very poofy indeed.

Seeing no sign of a traumatized blonde swordsman, Barret began to mutter to himself as he grudgingly retreated to the bar.

Once Barret was safely out of earshot, Vincent offered in the barrel's general direction, "Would you like some help?"

The barrel sighed quite despondently in reply, or rather the man in the barrel, as barrels can't sigh. "Please."

After a painful ordeal on Cloud's part, Vincent had managed to help his friend out of the barrel and rearrange the swordsman so any major appendages were back where they belonged on his body.

"Thanks," Cloud breathed with a sigh of relief, unaware of the pink bow still in his hair. "Barret's looking for someone to try on his dress that he made for Tifa."

"I see," Vincent replied stoically, glancing at the pink ribbon that Barret had undoubtedly tied to Cloud's hair to match the poofy, hot pink dress.

"Could I… hang down here with you?" Cloud asked, hoping he'd be safe from the attack of poofy, hot pink dresses while he was downstairs. The incident at Don Corneo's had already given him more than enough contact with his feminine side to last him the rest of his life.

"I was just going up." The gunman explained. "But if you make yourself look too busy with preparing for the party, I don't think Barret will bother you."

After the two men had taken a couple steps up the stairs, a mournful howl came from above, followed by what sounded like Barret hollering, "Come back here and face this like a &!#$ man, you red mutt!"

Realizing what fate must have befallen a certain red creature who as formerly attempting to write invitation cards, the ex-Turk reassured his spiky companion, "And I think he already got to Nanaki to help him out with his gift, anyway."

-----

About five minutes had passed since Cloud had dared to venture back upstairs to continue the party preparations when a very grumpy, but very familiar looking airship pilot stomped into the Seventh Heaven, still in his morning attire of bunny pajamas. Without even giving a chance for Cloud's mouth to drop open in horror—or at least in utter shock of this unexpected spectacle—Cid made his way over to the spiky swordsman and announced, "I ordered the damn cake."

It was at this ill-timed moment that Red and Barret's chase had brought them into the scene. Both the intelligent dog and the gun-arm man could only stand and stare at the smoking pilot in white bunny pajamas. As for Cid, well, he was seeing Red wearing a hot pink bra and corset while Barret was holding a hot pink, poofy dress to him, and wisely made the safer decision not to ask. A very disturbing sight indeed…

After a shocked silence passed, Cid wished dearly that he had not caught sight of what he thought he just did and focused his attention back to Cloud. "Anyway, the guy at the ice cream place'll be here at three to drop off the $# cake."

"Thanks, Cid."

"Damn straight. You better be #&$ thankful." As he finished the rest of his cigarette, Cid made a point to ask, "You sure it's her birthday today, right?"

The swordsman nodded. "It's Thursday, isn't it? I checked the calendar."

"All right… What the #$$ hell should I get her?"

Cloud shrugged. "Call Cait Sith on the PHS. He's out shopping for our presents for us while we organize stuff here. He'll tell you what everyone's getting her." He turned back to Barret, who was now trying to fit the pink dress over Nanaki's head. "And Barret's giving her that dress."

Lowering his voice a couple notches, Cid whispered to the swordsman, "You know there's no way in hell she'll ever &# wear that."

Sighing, the blonde spiky shook his head. "Barret's been at it for hours…Don't make him think all his work has gone to waste."

Lighting another cigarette, Cid continued with an 'I-could-care-less' shrug. "So where's Tifa anyway?"

"She's out with Yuffie. She's supposed to be keeping Tifa distracted."

Snorting, Cid retorted, "You mean by stealing materia from materia shops and getting &#$ arrested?"

"Yuffie wouldn't be that irresponsible…"

"Uhh huh…" Cid sounded unconvinced. "I'll go call Cait Sith right now on the PHS. You mind if I get &# changed and shower after that?"

"Go ahead," the swordsman replied.

"All right. If some &# delivery guy comes, don't pay him $& unless he brought some tea."

-----

"Where exactly are we going?"

When Yuffie had proposed the two of them to go out for some "girl bonding time" that morning, she hadn't really given Tifa a chance to protest, and, strangely enough, neither had Cloud. He seemed unusually eager to let them go to their "girl bonding thing".

So Tifa had gone out with the young Wutain thief to "bond"… or something like that anyway. In any case, she hadn't questioned anything for the last twenty minutes as she let Yuffie drag her all over Midgar, not wanting to seem impolite, but now her curiosity was really getting the better of her.

"Well," the young thief began with a devilish smile as she finally brought the older girl and herself to a stop behind a building that curiously resembled the material shop at Wall Market. Wait a second…

Tifa instantly realized where they were. And from there, it was pretty obvious what thoughts were running through the young Wutain's mind. "Yuffie, you don't plan to-?"

"Hey, a girl needs to make a living," the thief replied casually. Considerably lowering her voice, Yuffie added, "All you have to do is distract the guy at the counter while I make off with all the materia in the store!"

"We'll get arrested for shoplifting!" Tifa hissed back. This was definitely not what she expected when Yuffie said "girl bonding time".

"You don't trust in my skills as a professional thief?" the thief asked with a cute pout on her lips.

"No, it's not that," Tifa assured her companion. "Your ability to pilfer materia is quite adequate," she added in memory to a certain event that occurred a few months back while the party was approaching Wutai, and Yuffie had decided to set out to her hometown after making off with all of the party's materia. "It's just after you run off with materia you don't do a great job of hiding…"

"Awh, come on. We won't get caught!" Yuffie assured the brunette martial artist. "Go on in. I'll be on the roof and drop down when you have his attention turned away." With that, the thief pushed her companion into the materia shop.

-----

At about 2:55 P.M., a shy head popped in from behind the doors into the bar. "Excuse me, is this Seventh Heaven?" the man squeaked.

Looking up from wiping down the counter, Cloud lifted his spiky head to face the guest at the door. "Yeah, you the ice cream guy?"

Nodding, Joe literally hopped in on two feet. To Cloud's dismay, he realized Joe was wearing pink, fluffy… bunny pajamas. "I have a delivery for Cid Highwind?"

"Uhh…" Cloud wasn't sure how to react. Did someone fail to inform him that it was Bunny Day or something?

At the same time, Joe was frantically worrying his head off in his mind's little world. Perhaps pink bunnies were considered insulting or offensive to customers? Was this spiky blonde customer going to cuss him out also because he had worn offensive pink pajamas? The possibilities were frightening.

"Sure, I'll go get him," the swordsman finally managed.

As spiky Cloud left the room, looking very confused, Barret had returned, searching for needle and thread. But upon entering, his eyes were met with the sight of yet another man in a bunny suit. Shaking his head, he decided that it must have been some strange ritual that the people from Rocket Town went through, and he wanted no part of it. But as he was ready to leave, he turned to the stranger and notified him that Easter had already been over for about a week or so.

A trembling, "I- I know, sir," was the stranger's reply.

"Alright, jes telling ya." And with that, Barret proceeded in minding his own business.

Meanwhile, Cloud was wandering down the hall. Curiously, as he got closer to the bathroom, he could hear faint noises from within. A very terrible noise, in fact. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard. But amid the din, he could barely make out words that were supposedly in tune with the noise.

(Tell me why, ain't nothing but a heart ache.)

"What is that?" the spiky swordsman wondered to himself.

(Tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake.)

"Sounds like…"

(Tell me why I never want to here to you saaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

"Is Cid singing!?"

(I want it that way…)

No, it was worse. Cid wasn't just singing. He was singing Back Street Boys! Knowing he had to do something quick, lest his ears bleed from the horrible racket, Cloud banged on the bathroom door. "Cid!"

The noise instantly came to a halt and was replaced with only the sound of running water. "What you want? Can't a man take a &$ shower without being disturbed?"

"Some guy in a pink bunny suit is here to see you."

"Say what?"

Cloud took in a deep breath. "I said, some guy in a pink bunny suit is here to see you!"

"What?" Cid called back from the other side of the door. "I can't &# hear you! Shanghai ate a pink running shoe, and he's here to feed me?"

"No!" the spiky swordsman shouted. "A guy in a pink bunny suit is here to see you!"

The water abruptly stopped. "Oh. Why didn't you &# say so?"

-----

A rather stout pink Mog stood in front of the mall, a small black cat perched on his head. Back at Headquarters, Reeve was debating with himself whether he should go inside and finish the last of his shopping. The oversized pink toy had finished buying everyone's presents for Tifa's presents not long ago before he got a call from Cid, and from there, well, he'd have to go back for Cid's gift.

The Turk didn't mind shopping, not at all. And the fact that he could do all of it with a remote control in his hands and a giant Mog miles away made it all the better and all the more fun, but Cid had requested he pick up something… less than orthodox for Tifa.

Well, it was Cid after all, what did he expect?

The toy stood in front of the mall a moment longer. He had a feeling he was really going to regret this. Finally, the Turk on the other side of the remote control sighed and pressed the forward button. At the same time, the giant Mog with the cat on its head walked back into the mall and headed for Victoria's Secret.

-----

Down in Sector 7's local bar. Cid Highwind found himself staring back at the ice cream guy in pink bunny pajamas.

Now, he wasn't really sure what to expect when he went to meet the "guy in the pink bunny suit", but for some reason, it felt slightly awkward, standing there, staring at the pink bunny outfit. He opened his mouth a couple times in attempt to say something, but after failing spit any words out of his mouth after the fifth attempt, the Joe decided to speak first.

"I brought your cake, Mr. Highwind," Joe murmured nervously holding out a box with two hands as he bowed his head and knelt down on one knee as a servant would present a gift to his master. The giant bunny ears of his night cap flopped over his face.

The pilot shot Cloud a confused look, which was, as far as Cid was concerned, pretty much equivalent to saying "What the hell is he doing?"

Nevertheless, he received the cake and shoved it into Cloud arms.

"All right, I jus' gotta ask," Cid suddenly blurted out. "What the hell are you doing in pink, bunny pajamas?"

Joe's bottom lip began to tremble in fright. "It- It's not something that has become common amongst you customers as of late?"

"Hell no. I was wearing pajamas to your store because this #$ moron with the spiky, but empty, head &#$ woke me up at three, damn it."

Joe bit his bottom lip and stared at the ground. Customers these days had gotten so scary.

Throwing his hands up to the sky, Cid shouted, "All right, ferget it! Jus' git the hell outta here!"

Poor Joe needed no other invitation. Forgetting even to hand the airship pilot his bill, Joe instantly dashed out the door, and ran as fast as he could away from Midgar.

But not three seconds after Joe had begun to recklessly run through the streets, Cid followed him out of the bar and started to give chase, screaming at the unfortunate ice cream parlor's owner, "Hey, come back here, you &# son of a Shinra! Where the hell is my tea!?"

But the pilot's shouts and protests only served as an impetus for Joe to run even faster.

-----

However, while all of this was going on, a somewhat odd scene awaited in Midgar's neighborhood prison. More precisely, two brunette girls were sitting cross-legged in a tiny jail cell. Who would've thought? Cid's prediction had really come to pass.

Sighing, Yuffie shifted the weight of her head to her other arm and set her elbow on her knee. "You know, Tif," the thief began.

"I'm not talking to you right now," the martial artist replied through gritted teeth.

"Aww, come on," the thief whined. "It was just a little accident. How was I supposed to know that the rope holding me up was gonna snap just as I was about to pull myself up?"

No response.

"I didn't know we were going to be thrown in here for a month!"

Still no response.

"Aww, geez, Tif. Lighten up!"

And still, Yuffie was talking to herself. Damn, Tifa was pretty good at ignoring people. The young Wutain thief thought for a moment. Then, an idea sparked.

"Hey, I figured out a way for us to escape!"

Now at this, the martial artist turned to Yuffie with a quizzical expression plastered on her face. "How? There are Shinra soldiers everywhere!" Who knew materia robbery was such a heavy offense…

The thief scoffed. They left the most obvious route open! Hello! Why didn't she think of it before? These were Shinra soldiers. "We'll just bribe our way out."

Tifa blinked back at her companion.

"What?"

The thief shrugged. "Hey, these are Shinra, right? What do they get paid, like a potion an hour? A hi-potion if you're a good boy!" she exclaimed mockingly. "I'd say 100 gil per man, and they'll pretend they never saw us!"

"Yuffie, I don't think-"

But it was too late. "HEY! Yo, Shinra guard! Dude!" Yuffie called to the man across the hall. "I'll give you 100 gil to let us out, and another 100 to let us go!"

Tifa smacked her forehead and sighed. They were going to be in here for a loooong time.

-----

As Yuffie attempted to bribe every Shinra guard at Midgar's jailhouse, the boys at Seventh Heaven were nearly done cleaning and decorating. Now all that was left to do was wrap the presents that Cait had brought back and wait.

"So," he began as the Mog pulled out six different shopping bags, "I got Cloud's roses and assortment of flowers." He tossed the swordsman one bag. "Here's Yuffie's bag of materia."

Cid snorted. "Why did she spend money to buy a bag of materia when she's a &# materia thief?"

Ignoring him, Cait pulled out a box of dog biscuits and told Barret to give it to Red.

"What the hell is she gonna do wid a box a' dog biscuits?" the dark-skinned man muttered, handing the box to the hound.

Grinning, the red-furred beast replied, "Feed them to me."

Oh yes, Red was one intelligent dog.

Holding up the last few bags Cait continued, "Vincent, your box, err coffin, of chocolates… the martial glove I bought for her…" Then he shoved the last one at Cid. Nervously clearing his throat, he quietly added, "This is what you wanted, in the measurements that you gave me."

Cait's nervousness raised a few eyebrows, but before anyone could ask, he hastily changed the subject. "So… Has everyone signed the huge card we got for the birthday girl?"

"Birthday woman," the Highwind pilot corrected.

Cait, or rather Reeve who was the one controlling the cat and Mog, winced. "Uhh… yeah, so who didn't sign the card?"

"I didn't!" Red barked enthusiastically as he raised a paw.

"Great! I mean, uhh… ok! I'll go get it!" the cat volunteered as the giant Mog hopped away.

-----

It was at this point that a certain loud-mouthed materia thief had gotten both her and her companion into a situation much less pleasant than their previous one. And since their previous situation was not so pleasant at all, the one that they were currently in did little to lighten their moods.

To be more precise, the current situation that they were in included an even smaller jail cell than their previous one, which was even deeper into the Midgar jailhouse than their previous one; even more guards than before; and worst of all, a cellmate that snored. Loudly.

What had happened was, as Yuffie was screaming to the world that she planned to bribe her way out of the jail cell, a Shirna soldier approached the two girls and told them that they had the right to remain silent, and that anything they said could and would be used against them.

But Yuffie already knew she had the right to remain silent. What she lacked was the ability to.

And thus, the two of them found themselves in their current positions, sitting on the floor of yet another cell.

And it was then that Tifa told her thief companion to keep her big mouth shut.

While the two girls contemplated how to escape (or in Tifa's case, how she was going to survive living in the same cell as Yuffie for two months), their cellmate revealed that, aside from having a terrible snoring problem, he had a gaseous problem that was twice as horrific.

"Hey," whispered the thief through the horrid smell of methane, "this time I think I can get us out without getting us into more trouble."

But Tifa didn't want to hear it. "No, Yuffie."

"No, really!" the thief persisted. "We're AVALANCHE, right? We could take these guys."

"Even if we do beat them up and escape, won't they notice we're missing and come after us?"

Yuffie shrugged. "I live in Wutai. They'll never track me. And as for you…well, they wouldn't be able to recognize you anyway in these slums!"

"Yuffie, I don't think-"

Too late.

"Hey, punk!" the thief was calling to the Shinra guard. "You don't look that tough! My grandma could take you and your momma, one hand tied behind her back, blindfolded!" At the same time, she ducked aside to the martial artist and informed her that her grandma served as one of the first class officers at the Wutain War and was also six foot two.

"That's right! You heard me!" Yuffie continued as Tifa buried her face in her hands. "I bet you, you won't even dare tear open this lock, walk in here, and fight us like a man!"

However, Yuffie failed to inform the unfortunate, enraged Shinra guard when he burst open through the door that she was in possession of a bag of her own materia (that she had stolen from Cloud instead of the materia store), and that one of those materia contained the spell Ultima.

Needless to say, the young materia thief made quick work of the guard before tossing his body into the cell that she and Tifa had previously occupied and scurrying back to Seventh Heaven.

-----

The two girls returned to a seemingly empty bar. The lights were turned off and there was no impolite comments and obnoxious laughter coming from inside, something one would have to get accustomed to, running a bar.

The fighter found this suspicious. Had they been robbed? Certainly Cloud and Barret had not closed down the bar just because she had gone off "girl bonding" with Yuffie? Or was that why Cloud had been so eager to rush her out that morning?

Whatever it might have been, Tifa kept her suspicions to herself until they reached the Seventh Heaven.

As she entered the room and headed toward the light switch, Yuffie following behind her, the lights flicked on, and seven different voices called, "Surprise!"

Blinking in confusion, the martial artist looked incredulously around the room. Everyone from AVALANCHE was there to celebrate her birthday. Even Aeris, who had been revived via GameShark!

"Wha- wha-? Why are you guys are here!?" she finally sputtered.

"To celebrate your birthday of course!" a spiky Cloud exclaimed. "Happy birthday, Tifa!"

A wide smile spread across the martial artist's sweet face, "Awh guys, thanks so much!" she remarked as she embraced Cloud in a hug. "I don't know what to say…"

"Don't say anything," the spiky swordsman replied. "Just relax and have good time tonight."

The martial artist kept shaking her head. "No, you don't understand. I appreciate all of this. Really!"

A quizzical expression emerged on Cloud's face. "So what's the problem?"

"My birthday is next Thursday."

Fin