A/N: I swear I was on crack when I wrote this. I regret nothing.

Seriously, someone give the girl some credit, she has to deal with a whole ship of crazy but hot men (Give or take a few…), I don't understand why so many people hate her.

Warnings (Cus we seriously need a whole shitload of them for this): CRACK, hilarity, there is some yaoi but only for humor, after 2-year time skip, extreme randomness

Please make sure you all tied down to your seats to avoid any injuries from LOL-ing or ROFL-ing, we thank you for your cooperation and hope you enjoy our short flight…into hell, or just Nami torture, which ever you guys prefer xD

xxxxxx

Nami woke up in the Sunny at the usual time in her usual room with her long orange hair in a mess. She stretched and gave a drawn out yawn before looking around wearily; she could never be too safe. One might assume that she was being cautious of the marines or the various bounty hunters after them, after all, they were wanted and pretty darn famous; though in this case, it was far from the truth.

Sometimes she wondered if staying on this ship with a whole bunch of people who didn't appreciate her and dealing with Luffy and the other's antics ever worth it. In the end, those troublemakers always apologized in their own special ways so she supposed all the stress they gave her was bearable. Though she would never admit it, she was rather fond of them and it made life entertaining so she couldn't really complain….though cleaning up the mess afterwards was rather a pain in the ass…

She changed and did her other daily girl routines before stepping out onto the deck, mouth already open, ready to scream at the crew to shut up since they were always too loud and rambunctious.

What she did not expect was the utter stillness of the ship, even Robin wasn't around. One might say 'Well, that's good then right? No noise and trouble…peacefulness at last!', but for Nami, all she felt was utter despair since a quiet crew usually meant something really bad was going to happen.

She held her face in her hands to try to collect her thoughts, already imagining all sorts of situations those idiots could be in and planning many ways of escape in her mind. Mind resolved, she walked around the deck to try to find those idiots, hoping that they were just hiding somewhere and not getting into trouble.

Oh right, thought Nami as a light bulb went off in her head. There had been a party last night and Nami had made sure not to get anywhere near drunk so as to verify that, yes, everyone was on the ship, and no, nothing was on fire, frozen, eroded by acid, sliced to pieces, and etcetera before retiring for the night with Robin.

Last thing Nami remembered was putting a blanket over all of the men who looked knocked out from the amount of beer they had drank, she had thought she could count on Zoro to keep them out of trouble though that was a huge mistake on her part.

The den den mushi on the party table next to Robin's usual lawn chair gave a ring and she glanced at it apprehensively, with dread growing in the pit of her stomach, Nami picked up the receiver with shaking hands.

Ka-chak!

"…Hello?" asked Nami tentatively, praying to all the gods she knew that this was not Luffy and them and it was just the marines trying to track them down, she preferred that ov-

"Hey Nami!"

Shit.

An all too familiar voice followed with a loud laugh boomed through the speaker phone and she suddenly felt a strong urge to just end it all with a knife or something quick and painless; Nami sighed in utter defeat, the gods were never on her side.

Well, might as well get this over with… she could practically feel the wrinkles growing and spreading like wild fire on her face, her crew was going to be the death of her…she smiled fondly before picking up the den den mushi to her mouth.

"Yes, Luffy, what have you done now?" She stayed calm, after all, she knew that she would be flaming mad later so might as well enjoy the calm before the storm.

"Do you have food?! I'm hungry!" whined Luffy, of course he would not supply her with useful information, should've known better.

"Luffy," Nami sighed in exasperation, "Just answer my question." Though she didn't really want to hear what they did, not at all.

"Do you want to hear what I did or what…" There was a pause and a sound of rustling as if Luffy was looking around. "…Zoro, Sanji, Franky, Chopper, Robin or Brook did?"

There was a long pause as Nami tried to process the information that not just Luffy was involved but also the rest of the crew, this could not end well; and much to her surprise, Robin was also there.

"Just tell me what happened from the beginning to the end…" Nami cringed in anticipation for the headache she was soon to have, she needed coffee, badly.

"Well, last night we were really drunk and stuff right?" Nami opened her mouth to answer that yes they had been drunk and she had went out of her way to make sure they didn't get in trouble and look what they did now and more but Luffy just plowed on without hearing an answer. "I smelled food so I got up to go get it, but it wasn't from our ship so I had to force Franky awake to drive the shark submarine to the place with food which ended up waking everyone and they wanted to tag along for the fun!" Luffy laughed some more as a voice that sounded distinctly like Sanji's screamed "We followed you to make sure you wouldn't get in trouble but look at the mess we're in now!" This was followed by another voice that sounded like Zoro's who harshly whispered "Don't move around so much!"

Nami raised an eyebrow from this and though she was curious, she wondered if she really wanted to know.

Without Nami needing to prompt him, Luffy continued with the same happy easy going tone he seemed to always have "Seems it was on a marine ship, they have good food though…" murmured Luffy while Nami screeched "What?!" and rightfully so.

"So the idiot decided to drag us in to get the food," huffed Sanji though his voice was slightly muffled due to his distance from the den den mushi. "Of course being your brilliant knight and all that, I didn't want to cause you trouble so I proposed we sneak in."

"Oh thank god," sighed Nami in relief for once, then the mess wouldn't be too bi-

"In drag." interjected Zoro halting Nami's hopeful train of thought.

"Noooo! Why did you tell Nami-swan that?! My manly image…it's ruined!" wailed Sanji while Nami tried to process the information.

Zoro snorted before smartly replying "You never had one to begin with."

Nami could hear their verbal argument even through the phone and was pretty curious as to why they weren't exchanging swords and feet yet…

"So, basically we dressed in drag and stuff that were supplied by Sanji, Brook, and Franky before posing as hookers to get in." continued Zoro after Sanji and him quieted down.

"Do I even want to ask how they got those?"

"No, no you don't." replied Zoro and she could practically hear the smirk in his voice. That bastard.

"Wait. How did Brook and Chopper pull it off?" Nami shuddered that was certainly disturbing, Brook in a bunny suit.

"Some of the guys were into necrophilia and bestiality, ow!" screamed Franky from somewhere that nearly popped her eardrums.

"Okay…ew. Next." She quickly said; she wanted to know what happened so as to minimize the damage but she really didn't want to know the details.

"So decked out in skin tight bunny suits, except for the bottom parts which we replaced with skirts, we're not stupid, ("Right…and your intelligence is what got you in this mess the first place," said Nami sarcastically which Zoro deftly ignored.) we seduced the guards and got into the ship."

"There was a strip or dare contest that the marines decided to do so of course to ward off suspicion we had to play it," supplied Sanji helpfully, "Though on the first spin of the bottle, it landed on Robin- chwan~! Of course being the gentleman I am; I didn't want to see her strip in front of all these unruly men…only in front of me…" Nami felt her skin crawl in disgust as Sanji went into creeper mode but was quickly stopped when she heard a quick hit on Sanji's head, most likely supplied by Zoro.

"S-so where was I? Oh yeah, so I told them that she had many scars on her body so it would be more comfortable with her if they gave her a dare, being the 'nice guys' they are, they agreed to it and dared her to start a fire with only a llama, pen, needle, and water."

"Oh okay," said Nami, that couldn't be too bad, she didn't even think it was humanely possible to start a fire wi-

"Of course they were only kidding but Robin took them seriously." said Zoro, effectively bursting her bubble again.

-or not, it was Robin after all.

"So she started a fire with those things and we accidentally blew everyone and everything to high heaven. Wasn't really their fault though, who would guess that such a beautiful woman, is really a master assassin?" Sanji cooed at Robin some more and threw some more praises at her before being hit back into reality by Zoro again.

"Was anyone hurt?" asked Nami, slightly worried because even though she knew her crew was more than capable to survive an explosion created with llamas and what not, they were over the ocean and there were quite a few devil fruit eaters with them.

"Us? Or the marines, because the marines are kind of llamas now." replied Sanji after he finished chewing Zoro out about hitting random innocent people.

"Wait…wh-?" Nami didn't even know what to say anymore it was all too chaotic.

"They told me to make a fire out of those items. I did. But I also made it poisonous as a bonus." Robin's smooth voice slipped into the phone conversation and Nami didn't know whether to feel relieved or annoyed. Only Robin would think that making a poisonous fire was a 'bonus'.

"We're okay because Robin-sis was smart enough to inject us with the antidote before hand." continued Franky, quelling Nami's worries.

Nami was just about to breathe a sigh of relief when Zoro interjected again. "Well…all of us except Chopper."

Nami's voice caught in her throat. No, not poor Chopper… That was all she could think when Zoro explained the effects of the poison.

"No worries though, Chopper is completely fine, besides, Robin said that the poison is temporary," said Sanji soothingly, almost as if he sensed her fears.

"Except he turned into a monster thing akin to that one movie we watched…what was it again? I think it was…Godzilla?" Zoro murmured and Nami wouldn't have caught that if it wasn't for the context of what he said.

"What?!" screeched Nami, and just when it couldn't get worse…

"He kind of went on a rampage on the island we landed on, which is called Japan by the way so you should come get us," said Zoro, "I really want booze." though that last part was completely unnecessary.

"Okay I'll come get you guys right now, just wait there, DON'T MOVE. And I'll find out where you idiots are." Nami hastily grabbed her maps and charts as well as strapped on her log post to head out on the deck to steer the ship toward them.

"Ummm….actually…we're kind of…" started Sanji hesitantly as if he didn't want to incur her wrath that she was on the brink of unleashing.

"The giant bird thing is giving us a ride!" screamed Luffy who had been suspiciously silent for a long time.

Nami paused in her speed walk to the steering wheel to just drop on the ground in exhaustion, she wasn't paid enough for this…scratch that, she wasn't even being paid.

"No, actually I think it's taking us to its nest to eat." said Zoro who so intelligently observed this.

"Okay, forget this; just throw what ever else you guys have at me to get this over with." Nami sighed, she had been doing that a lot lately, and it wasn't a good sign….

"Well…Sanji and I are…married now." started Zoro hesitantly "It was a complete accident, too much booze and somehow I am now legally his husband."

"I want a divorce." muttered Sanji before Franky continued "We kind of also accidentally might have kidnapped Sengoku."

"…" There were really no words for this horror, and there was no way it could get worse, or so she thought.

"We were all really drunk okay?" said Franky hastily as if that would make everything better.

"I wasn't…" muttered Zoro indignantly in which most of the crew screamed "Well, why didn't you stop us?!"

"And Mihawk is also with us!" Luffy said cheerily as if that was a good thing. "He's unconscious though…" Luffy continued with a pout, he had wanted to play with him and maybe spar a bit.

"Smoker is also here." said Sanji as Nami heard a rustling of some sort as if rummaging for something "In a jar."

"That was very rude cook-san."

"He was trying to attack us okay?! Screaming something about us kidnapping Tashigi-chwan or some shit like that, like I would ever do that." huffed Sanji indignantly.

Even Nami could feel the stares of disbelief aimed at Sanji.

"I seriously don't have her okay? I…uhh…I guess I do have her."

There was a pause in which Nami tried to listen in on what was happening and the others tried to collect their thoughts.

"Sanji-bro…did you just pull Tashigi out of your hair?" said Franky, even he was a bit disturbed by that.

Sure enough, though Nami couldn't see it, Sanji had pulled a snoring miniature Tashigi out of his hair.

"Okay…" said Nami awkwardly, this was just getting weird.

"I want a divorce," grunted Zoro as he eyed Sanji.

"Also, Brook is kind of…not here at the moment." continued Sanji uncomfortably after placing Tashigi back into his hair for safety's sake (Or at least that's what he said, who knew what the guy was thinking, pervert.)

"What do you mean?" asked Nami, genuinely confused "I thought you said everyone was there?"

"Yeah well, we kind of…lost Brook's soul during the explosion. The shock must have knocked him out of his body." Sanji felt the hairs on his neck rising because even through the phone he could feel Nami's rising anger.

"YOU LOST BROOK'S SOUL?!" screamed Nami at full rage and the whole crew winced.

"Hey but we have good news too!" laughed Luffy nervously, trying to make the situation better, "Ace's ghost is in his body instead!" but is currently failing miserably.

"Yeah, I need to get you guys back. NOW. Before you morons cause any more trouble." growled out Nami.

"Oh, and uhhh… you wouldn't happen to know how to take apart dynamites right?" asked Sanji hesitantly.

"Why would you ask?" replied Nami as she gritted her teeth and activated the tracking device she placed on Luffy in case of times like these.

"We're all naked except for Robin-sis who miraculously saved her clothes during the explosion. We also have timed dynamites strapped to our chests tying us together so you might want to hurry." Franky helpfully said.

"Fuck."

"Fuck?" The crew asked tentatively, they knew Nami got angry easily but never once did she cuss.

"When I find you guys, you are all dead." Nami deadpanned, sending shivers of fear up the crew's spines.

Somehow the other options of death by exploding into tiny pieces or eaten alive by a giant bird thing seemed really appealing.

TBC

A/N: No, I was not on actual crack when I wrote this. But it seems like I was. There's drugs and then there's this…*Shakes head in wonder* I had the most fun writing this xD

Please review! For those readers reading 'Monster Academy' and other such works: I'M BACK BITCHES! I mean-*Cough* I am so happy to be back :)