I think apologies in advance are in order. Warning: This is and sort of crackish fanfiction with no plot, rhyme or reason! You have been warned!
I do not own Glee or 007 movies or games or whatever.
This dialogue and premise is however based on a true story. Seriously. That's how sadly obsessed we are.
David laughed. He didn't know why he was laughing, but it might have had to do with the massive amount of soda he had recently drank. Across the room Wes was humming Tango: Maureen under his breath while popping the 007 game into his Wii. It opened with a buzzing and David reached for a controller. Then he paused.
"Wes?"
"Hmmm?"
"Why are we playing this? You know my knowledge of video games extends no further than the little red plumber man! Yours doesn't go much farther!" he said to Wes's uncaring back. The game menu popped up and Wes, still humming, ignored David and flipped through the options quickly and efficiently turning on different game settings. David watched as the names flashed past.
Explode on Contact –ON
Paint Ball-ON
Invisibility-ON
Bouncy Grenades-ON
"Wes? WES? What the-?"
"A little trust please David! I know perfectly well which options sound like they will make for the best poorly played shooter game you have ever seen. Just you wait," he grinned in what would be a scarily maniac way if you didn't know that that was just the way Wes always looked.
"So….pick a character!"
They began flipping past various camouflaged, disguised, scarred, and suited people until Wes suddenly screeched letting out a small ohmygod! David dropped his controller and looked over ready to smack the other boy until he saw the screen. Wes had stopped suddenly on a pixilated man who was wearing a tight black tee shirt looking just as serious as all the others. That wasn't the incredible thing though. This guy looked exactly like KURT!
"Oh. My. GOD! That is so great! Quick! David! Find a Blaine-character! Then they can kill each other! Oh yes, this will be a battle of EPIC PROPORTIONS!" he gasped out. David looked serious but his eyes glowed in excitement. He flipped quickly through the suited people until he found one that looked satisfyingly like Blaine.
"Yes my friend, this will be a war to remember!"
Wes started clicking through the places they could go, "Which one?" he asked. David looked at him incredulously.
"I thought you were the one who knew everything!"
Wes looked mock-offended and placed his hand over his heart dramatically, "Well we can't all be perfect."
David sighed and shook his head. He looked through the settings. Sewer, Jungle, Facility, Memorial, Night Club
"WAIT! How about the night club? Kurt and Blaine could defiantly have fun in there! Looks…pretty enough…I mean can you just imagine his face if he actually had to go somewhere like the..Sewers…."he trailed off as Wes began shaking his head.
"No man. You don't want the nightclub. Trust me. The Nightclub is trippy."
"Uhh…okay, trippy… How 'bout the Outpost then?"
"Okay. As long as it isn't the Nightclub. I've heard that place is-"
"Trippy. Yeah. I know."
They stared at the screen, Wes deep in trippy thought and David looking rather oddly at his friend.
"Anywho! ONWARD!" yelled Wes snapping back into his normal manic self. David made Blaine carefully walk forward before shooting experimentally.
"HOLY CRAP! Wes! Wes look at this," he pointed at his screen where he had shot a series of neon yellow, orange, and green paintballs on the snow in front of him. He began cackling, running around shooting at anything and everything in sight making trails up walls and circles on the ceilings. Wes sighed and shook his head.
He made Kurt walk forward in search of Blaine. As Kurt walked he glanced at David who was still cackling madly holding his stomach as Blaine ran. Suddenly Wes had Kurt walk into a room he immediately cracked up too, looking at the screen where every surface was completely covered in neon paint. It was absurd.
"David! Look! I can- you've got this whole- its just a room of paintballs! Oh…oh Blaine going crazy with the paintball gun…oh Blaine…" he looked carefully at the random splatters of neon orange and green that coated the walls, even the ceiling. "Man! It looks like someone took a neon dump in here and then took a blowtorch and, like, sprayed it all over the walls!" he giggled into his hand and laughed harder as David began clutching at his stomach in laughter at the absurdity.
"Oh too good….too good…but you're still sooooo dead!" And Kurt went running off.
"Hey!" was all David could say before he found himself dead and covered in paint. Wes snickered and Kurt ran up to the crumpled dead Blaine shouting, "NO! Blaine! I want to see your body! Don't disappear! I want to see it!"
David pursed his lips and looked suggestively at Wes. He wiggled his eyebrows, "You bet Kurt wants to see Blaine's body." They looked at each other seriously before cracking up.
Blaine took off in search of Kurt firing off paintballs just for fun as he went. Suddenly he hit a crate. Instinctively he tried to jump but looked shocked as nothing happened.
"Weeessss," he whined," I can't jump! It won't let me jump! Make it let me jump! Weeeessss!"
"Just vault it David, don't be such a baby. See," he ran up to a crate and leaped over it. "vAUlt!" he yelled letting the pitch on the A skyrocket in a way that made him sound just a wee bit crazy. He ran up to other things jumping over each.
"vAUlt!"
"vAUlt!"
"You should try it David!"
"vAUlt!"
David snorted but ran around running into and jumping over random crates.
"vAUlt!"
"vAUlt!"
"vAUlt!"
Suddenly he ran into a ladder and instead of vaulting he began to climb. He gasped, "WES! I'm climbing! Look! Aren't you proud? Aren't you Wes?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure," his eyes suddenly grew round, "Wait for me there!"
Blaine climbed to the top of the tower and knelt setting his scope on where he knew Kurt would appear any moment. All is fair in love and war and this may qualify as both. Plus it was never a good idea to trust Wes…
"Blaine! Blaine look down at me! Its Kurt!" he said in a Kurt-voice
"Yes Kurtsie my darling? What is it?"
"Oh Romeo! Oh Romeo! Where for art thou fair Romeo?" Wes put a hand on his heart for dramatic effect as he looked up at 'Juliet'. David cracked up as Kurt professed his love.
"You do realize that if you are Juliet then you should be the one up here?"
"Pftt! I can be whatever I want. Besides. I'm coming up anyway," he grinned evilly and started climbing.
"NO!" David shouted and did what any normal person would do. He turned invisible….apparently at the same time as Kurt. As they met at the top of the stairs there was an explosion and they both died.
"Wha- EXPLODE ON CONTACT! Whose bright idea…?" David grumbled and ran off to kill Wes, "DIE KURT DIE!"
Now instead of shooting like a mad person he ran towards Kurt…like a mad person. Great. He cackled evilly laughing hysterically yelling, "Come here Kurt! Kurt! Why are you running Kurt? Come here Kurt!" Blaine cornered Kurt and laughing he ran into him and they both exploded. He clutched his stomach as he calmed down. "I'm like a rapist! Cornering young Kurts in dark alleyways!"
"Well that's the dream isn't it. Always fun to be a rapist"
"Oh yes, being a rapist is my favorite thing to do!"
Blaine began once again shooting randomly and started carefully making a circle on the wall. Wes gasped and immediately went to shooting at the ground.
"Arg! I'm trying to make a K+B but my dots keep disappearing! NO! Now they will never have their paintball rapist love! What are we going to do! Crazy Romeo needs his exploding invisible rapist Juliet!" Wes began to fake-sob as David smirked.
"It's ok Wes. I'm sure they know how much they luuuurv each other without a disappearing K+B sign. It'll be alright," he leaned over and patted Wes on the back.
"Your right," he smiled," Hey David? Do you think Kurt will ever get to see Blaine's body?"
"I'm sure it will happen. Don't worry little Wesley"
They tried looking seriously into each other's eyes in reassurance until they both exploded in giggles and the time in the Outpost ran out.
"Next stage?" Wes grinned.
"Of course!"
Meanwhile in the other room Kurt's face was on fire. Upon hearing their names he and Blaine had gathered up blankets, electronics, headphones, DVDs, snacks, and monopoly (Blaine had apparently never played and Kurt dubbed this blasphemy at which point Blaine asked whether he understood what that meant) They were curled up in the kitchen of Wes and David's dorm room talking and listening as their friends (Kurt may be questioning that term now) were busy exploding them. They snickered over the explosions and shocked cries and Blaine even got Kurt to come out of shock and laugh a little at the Body joke even though it seemed a little more like fact than a joke.
Kurt rolled his eyes at Blaine as he told Kurt about his elaborate plans for a huge Harry Potter fan-made musical. Such a nerd, but that's why you're so deeply in like with him. He sighed inwardly. From the other room they heard Wes cry out.
"Now they will never have their paintball rapist love!"
Blaine shook his head.
"Remind me again how he still manages to be one of the smartest kids in this school and still make a statement like that?" Kurt said exasperated.
"Aww now you know you love him! Where would you be without him?"
"Probably in bed, sleeping"
"And not having nearly as much fun," Blaine ginned and Kurt's heart skipped.
"True, true"
Kurt lay back down listening to their friends squabble over where to play next before launching into an analysis of the finer points of Broadway verses movie Chicago soundtrack.
With Wes and David in the next room this night could only get more interesting.
A good chunk of the stuff in here has actually happened. SAD! Anyway, I will be mostly focusing on the game but now you know Kurt and Blaine are listening so I may have their POVs. Lookin' forward to it.
P.S. Don't judge me by this fic! Honest! I write real stuff too! LOL! :D
P.S.S. Idea and material was thought up with the help of the wonderful doggirlem who writes some splendid fluff. You should read! Go my minions!
P.S.S.S. I'm avoiding spoilers like the devil so no telling. Also I loved the Super bowl episode! **SPOILERS!**I've wanted something like that to happen forever! YAY! Karofsky was so close to actually being himself! The whole time I just wanted to yell 'Screw popularity its four years of your life! Get over it!' Oh and who else did a fangirl squee when Darren Criss came in singing Bills Bills Bills?
Whew. THAT was an Author's Note!