Final Fantasy VI
Five Ways Celes Botches Her Suicide Attempt
Notes: This was originally written ages ago to test my CSS/HTML skills on Ao3's system, and, in my opinion, is not on par with my current standards of quality, i.e. screenplay format, cheesy humor. However, people seem to enjoy it, so here I am sharing the cheese.
[SCENE: Northern Cliff, Solitary Island - World of Ruin
CELES stops at the edge and warily looks over.]
CELES:
Granddad, I brought dinner again!
CELES:
Granddad…? CID…? Suh-stop playing around.
CELES:
No…! You promised! You promised you'd…never leave me alone.
CID:
The other people who had been here with us gave up all hope. One after the next, they flung themselves from the northern cliffs when their despair became too great.
CELES:
Everyone's gone… Even LOCKE… There's nothing left for me in this world.
[CELES takes a deep breath and tries to calm her visible shaking.]
Attempt 1:
CELES:
Alright. I can do this. It's for my own good!
[She takes a running start-]
CELES:
No, wait! I change my-
[-but falters at the edge which causes her to merely slip off. Within moments a thud is heard.]
CELES:
*cont'd* -mind. Ow…
[A quick change of the camera angle reveals that she had landed on a small rocky outcropping just below the cliff's edge.]
CELES:
Well, that was lucky.
[The rock she had landed on cracks and shifts slightly under her weight, which causes slight panic. A seagull wearing a blue bandana flies in circles above her head.]
CELES:
Oh, no… Don't land here! Go away!
[She attempts to shoo the bird away and fails. It lands next to her, causing the rock to snap at the cliff wall. CELES and the bit of earth she had been precariously perched on fall screaming to the water below. The bird flaps its wings to hover in place.]
MR. BIRD:
…
[Moments pass and a tiny splash is seen in the water below. Fade to black.]
GAME OVER
Attempt 2:
CELES:
*cont'd* Alright! I can do this! It's for my own good!
[A seagull wearing a blue bandana circles over her head. CELES looks up to regard it.]
CELES:
Hello there, Mr. Seagull. Have you come to watch me at my lowest point? Don't bother. It won't be very-
[The bird craps on her face.]
CELES:
You- You jerk-faced bird!
[She blasts it with an ice spell and watches it fall to the waters below. She uses her cape to wipe her face clear of gunk.]
CELES:
Heh. That'll show him.
[DEATHGAZE suddenly swoops down with a screech and snatches up the very surprised and loudly screaming CELES.]
CELES:
PUT ME DOWN!
[They fly out over the ocean.]
CELES:
NO! WAIT! DON'T PUT ME DOWN! DON'T PUT ME DOWN!
[DEATHGAZE flies up into the higher atmosphere, while CELES, now the size and color of a few darkened pixels, falls screaming to the waters below. Within a few moments a splash is heard. Fade to black.]
GAME OVER
Attempt 3:
CELES:
*cont'd* I've got it! If I'm gonna kill myself then I should have fun while doing it!
[She charges up an ice spell and blasts the edge of the cliff with it. Cue an SNES-era type montage of construction, except the scene stays focused on the Northern Cliff. The music and CELES' speed increase by 300%. CELES disappears and reappears numerous times nodding, laughing, and waggling her finger. Light flashes multiple times. Once speed returns to normal, CELES takes a step back to admire her handiwork. She has created a slippery ice slide running down to the ocean below before it curves sharply upwards and ends abruptly. She stretches her extremities behind her before running in place.]
CELES:
Okay! Here we go!
[She sprints towards the edge and dives on to the ice slide.]
CELES:
WHEEEEEEEEEE!
[She slides all the way down to the ocean at breakneck speed. Once at the upturned curve, she's flung high into the air. Several moments pass before she reaches the apex of her flight. She waves happily to the blue bandana wearing bird flying past before she falls back to the earth. She lands on the slide, its curvature and the speed of her fall actually sending her back up to the top of the cliff. She hits grass and skids to a halt on her derriere. She sits for a moment, confuddled, before leaping excitedly to her feet.]
CELES:
That. Was. AWESOME!
[She goes through the whole sliding process once more. She slides down and is flung into the air. However, upon returning to the slide, she misses the section that would have led her up to the cliff and instead careens off at top speed to slam into the rocky cliff. She slowly slides off and falls into the water with a splash, an imprint of her left in the rocky wall. Fade to black.]
GAME OVER
Attempt 4:
CELES:
*cont'd* …
[CELES peers over the side of the cliff once more.]
CELES:
Actually, I'm having second thoughts. What if I'm horribly injured, yet survive somehow? That'd be like torture!
[She wrings her hands in anxiety.]
CELES:
I don't want that.
[She walks back down the cliff.]
CELES:
I don't want that at all.
[SCENE: Solitary Island, World Map - World of Ruin
CELES wanders the island.]
CELES:
It's so desolate…
[CELES enters a random battle with PEEPER 1 and 2. She sighs.]
CELES:
Just do what you will. I have no fight left in me.
[PEEPER 1 suddenly dies. PEEPER 2 rushes to attack, but dies before a hit is landed. CELES is left staring at the empty battlefield. She growls and walks off.]
CELES:
Oh, for the love of Benji!
[She wanders into the desert area of the map, triggering a battle with the BLAKDRGN.]
CELES:
Kill me, monster! And do it quickly!
BLAKDRGN uses BONE POWDER!
"Blue, green, black, red. You're now one of the undead!"
CELES is now a ZOMBIE!
[CELES looks down at her now green and decaying hands.]
CELES:
Ah, nuts.
[BLAKDRGN attacks her with a bony claw, causing her body to fly apart in pieces. Her head lands in the sand, rolls a little bit, and stops upside down.]
CELES:
I get the feeling that I should have just jumped off that cliff.
The party was defeated.
GAME OVER
Attempt 5:
CELES:
*sighs* I can do this.
[Her stomach growls, causing her to jump.]
CELES:
Do I really want to die on an empty stomach? But…where can I find food? I can't eat the fish. That's what killed granddad Cid…
[A bird with a blue bandana lands next to her. She blinks a couple of times before happily waggling a finger. The bird suddenly turns into a steaming roast chicken. Her stomach growls once again.]
CELES:
Hello, Mr. Bird! I'd like to pet you? Can I pet you?
MR. BIRD:
Chirp!
CELES:
Thank you! Now, hold still!
[She dives to catch it, misses when it flies away, and ends up skidding over the side of the cliff. She manages to grab on with one hand and holds on for dear life. Before she can bring her other hand up for support, MR. BIRD lands at her hand.]
MR. BIRD:
Chirp!
CELES:
Oh, no! Please, don't do what I think you're gonna do! I beg you! I'm sorry!
[MR. BIRD pecks at her hand, causing her to instinctively let go and drop to the water below with a scream and a loud splash. Underwater, CELES watches fish swim past at varying speeds before she swims to the surface. Once breaking to air, she gasps repeatedly and coughs.]
CELES:
*coughs* I don't ever want to do that again!
[She then notices a raft and sail hidden away between two rocks.]
CELES:
THERE WAS A RAFT HERE THE ENTIRE TIME?!
[She swims to it and climbs aboard.]
CELES:
CID, you magnificent bastard! Why didn't you tell me?!
[Silence.]
CELES:
*cont'd, sighs* Thanks anyway, granddad.
[She cuts the rope mooring it to the rocks and sets sail into the open ocean.]
CELES:
Hold on, LOCKE! I'm coming!
[She laughs.]
CELES:
*cont'd* Wait for me!
[CELES and the raft eventually become smaller and smaller until disappearing on the horizon.]
GAME OVER...?