Hey readers, who has two thumbs and is the biggest jerk on fanfiction? THIS GUY.
This one-shot, against all notions of logic and reason, is a Christmas special. I can see your confusion, but allow me to explain. Far back in December of 2010, a couple of authors decided to hold a secret santa in which we may put requests into a digital hat, and then pull those requests from said hat and write what was on our virtual slips of paper. My slip of internet paper was written by none other than the super classy and incredibly intelligent "The Smart One 64". It read;
"One-Shot Topic: Mario decides that for Christmas he's going to give each and every one of his partners from Paper Mario 1 and 2 a special Christmas present. What presents? That's up to you to decide, along with what trouble ensues in the process. Yes, EACH partner: Goombario, Kooper, Bombette, Parakarry, Lady Bow, Watt, Sushie, Lakilester, Goombella, Koops, Flurrie (yuck), Yoshi Jr., Vivian, Bobbery, and Ms. Mowz. Be creative as possible. Would like to be under humor section. Make me laugh. :D"
This request was so far up my alley that I could have written it with my eyes closed. At least, that was my original notion. Cut ahead to Christmas Eve and I've only got half of the characters' gifts planned. Naturally it was a disaster in every way, and I was forever shamed. But I stuck to it and finished this piece in mid-January in secrecy. I had planned to upload it on Christmas Day of this year, but then I finally realized how incredibly stupid that plan was. So in complete spite of the fact we are only a week away from Valentine's day, here is Mario Christmas Special. Bet you didn't see this one coming.
"You promise not to peek, right?" Luigi said, setting his fancifully wrapped present under the tree. The green sparkled paper was reflecting the blinking lights of the Christmas tree the brothers Mario had decorated the night before. The lid of the box was secured by two lengths of white ribbon, with the cross-section of the ribbons bands obscured by a green bow.
"You're one to talk. Remember Christmas of '97?" Mario asked, coolly sipping his mug of hot chocolate as he stood beside his crouching brother.
"That's not fair!" Luigi contested, looking up at Mario, "I was young and naive."
"You were 14." Mario argued, "You just shredded all your presents open without thinking, and then you thought you could get away with re-wrapping them in paper towels."
Luigi gave a long sigh as he reflected on his many Christmas failures, "Still, you aren't allowed to even touch my present. I've finally found the perfect gift for you, so I want to see your natural reaction when you open it."
"Fair enough." Mario said, taking another long sip of his hot chocolate, "So who are the other presents for?" he added, motioning to the pile of green boxes by the stair case identical to the one under the tree. Only the name tags separated their appearance.
"Those are for my pals who helped me back at the Waffle Kingdom." Luigi answered, getting to his feet, "As awesome of an adventure it was, I kind of feel like I owe them something for their efforts."
"Or maybe it could be compensation for throwing one of them into lava." Mario suggested slyly.
"Perhaps…" Luigi said quietly, looking away from the presents in thought.
"Or you could make up for that guy's car you wrecked."
"A possibility." Luigi commented, placing his hand on his chin.
"Or what about that Bob-Omb you mentally scarred with your bridal get-up?" Mario added.
"Don't bring the wedding gown into this!" Luigi spat venomously, spinning around to glare at his brother, "Look, they're just small thank-you's for helping me beat the Chest-Nut King. Okay?"
"Okay, didn't mean to get you all hot under the collar bro." Mario said, putting his hands up defensively, "Actually, this gives me an idea."
"What's that?" Luigi quipped.
"Well, since you're giving presents to your former allies, why don't I do the same?" Mario thought aloud.
"But we had that huge party for them, remember?" Luigi asked, "Which I had to skip to prepare for the big parade following afterwards, I might add."
"Yeah, but that was more of a thank you from Peach. I want to give them something personally." Mario reasoned, "And that was for when Peach's castle went into the sky. The most we gave to the guys who helped me back at Rogueport was a tearful goodbye at the docks."
"Alright, but I'm helping pick out the gifts!" Luigi demanded, "No offense bro, but you're lousy at gift-giving."
"No I'm not!" Mario contested.
"You gave me a mustache comb last year." Luigi said flatly.
"You loved that comb." Mario argued, "It even had your name engraved on it. And it was green!"
"I used it the first week after Christmas just to make you feel better, and then I put it away for good in the basement." Luigi admitted, "Face it bro, you're going to need my expertise here."
Mario gave a very long sigh, "Alright then. It's not like it would hurt to have a little help, right?"
"Exactly!" Luigi said, producing a pen and paper seemingly from thin air, "Now who's first on the list?"
"Goombario." Mario said, thinking back to his earliest encounters with his allies. Luigi gave him a curious look.
"That was kind of surly." Luigi commented, wondering why Mario would pronounce his name as though it were a cuss word.
Mario took a seat at the wooden table in the front room, his chair making soft creaking sounds under his weight, "Okay, I know the kid means well, but he's obsessive. The constant adoration can really grate on your nerves after awhile, you know?"
"I wouldn't, actually." Luigi said, scribbling down Goombario's name at the top of the paper in neat cursive, "Well this one should be easy! Just pick some old junk of yours and wrap it up. I'm sure he'll be ecstatic."
"Yeah, but I really don't want to encourage his behavior. I just wish I could redirect his fanboyism to someone else." Mario said, looking out the window and studying the snow-blanketed yard outside. Luigi suddenly sat upright, having come to a realization.
"Stay right there bro!" Luigi said, before dismounting from his seat in a clumsy gallop and racing up the stairs towards his bedroom. Before Mario could wipe the stunned look from his face Luigi stomped back down the stairs carrying a large stack of books in front of him. He slammed the pile onto the table, nearly causing the hot chocolate resting by Mario's hand to spill over.
"Check it!" Luigi said, patting the topmost book in the stack of 5, "An exclusive auto-graphed box set of Super Luigi complete with a foreword written by Princess Éclair herself."
"You had this just sitting in your room?" Mario asked flatly.
"Come on bro, this is perfect! After Goombario gets a few pages in he'll completely forget about you and be all about the green thunder! It's a win-win for everybody."
Mario stared blankly at the stack of multi-colored books before shaking his head, "It's probably as good as anything else. In fact, this could finally shake Goombario off my tail. Thanks bro."
"Don't even mention it." Luigi said, waving away the compliment, "Who's next? Blue shell dude?"
"Kooper." Mario corrected, "He's an archeologist now…"
"Any special interests?" Luigi asked, thinking of something gift-worthy for an archeologist.
"Umm… ascots?" Mario gave weakly. It was beginning to dawn on Mario how little he actually knew his old friends.
"We'll come back to him." Luigi said, circling Kooper's name, "Next?"
"Bombette." Mario reported.
"Ooh, a girl. A make-up kit would probably do." Luigi said.
"I don't know, Bombette isn't really 'girly'. She might kill me if I try and give her a make-up kit…"
"You really aren't making this easy are you bro?" Luigi commented. Suddenly Mario got an idea, pointing upwards as he spoke.
"Wait a minute! She just got back with her boyfriend Bruce awhile ago." Mario explained.
"Seriously?" Luigi said, switching on gossip mode. Mario was already busy punching keys on his outdated MailBox SP (Now with voice function! Only an additional $39.99! *While supplies last). Surely Bruce would know what Bombette would want. The phone rang for an unusually long time, but at the last moment it answered.
"Hello?" Bruce asked weakly.
"Hey Bruce, it's Mario."
"Oh hey man, what's up?" Bruce responded, his voice cracking on the word 'up'.
"… Is everything okay, dude?" Mario asked.
"Couldn't be better!" Bruce stammered in a whining voice.
"Anyways, I was doing some last minute shopping, and I can't think of anything to get for Bombette, so-" Mario began, before being violently interrupted by a loud, painful wail from Bruce. What followed was a shuddering series of crying and fighting back tears.
"Bruce, what's wrong?" Mario asked.
"BOMBETTE LEFT ME! AGAIN!" Bruce shouted before giving a series of noises that could indicate he was passing a gallstone. His attempts to not cry were pitiful at best.
"Why?" Mario asked, giving a concerned look and Luigi, who was listening onto the conversation with a distant look of horror.
"She- SHE said that I… I-I was paying more attention to "Hall of Cooties; blacktops" than her."
"What's that?" Mario asked, wondering what the heck he was referring to.
"It's the latest gaming sensation." Bruce choked out, "It's a sequel to Hall of Cooties, a game in which you, 7-year-old Mick Knick must traverse the school's hallways dodging kissy girls and their cooties. Except this time you're on the playground, so they can come from all directions instead of just in front of you."
"They'll make a game about anything these days." Luigi muttered.
"Alright man, thanks anyways." Mario said quickly, ending the conversation. After putting his phone away he and Luigi simple looked at one another, hoping the other would have an explanation as to what just happened. When neither spoke for a few minutes Luigi looked down at Bombette's name.
"Maybe we should sign them up for relationship counseling?" Luigi offered.
"Probably." Mario nodded. Luigi scribbled down some information before asking for the next name, which was Bow.
"Another girl?" Luigi asked.
"Yeah, and before you suggest Make-up again I… oh wait, you know that actually sounds perfect for Bow." Mario said, reflecting on her vain characteristics.
"Finally an easy one!" Luigi said, jotting down 'make-up kit by Bow's name.
"Watt's next I think." Mario said, "What do you get a ball of condensed electricity?"
"Um…" Luigi said, chewing on the end of the pen in thought, "He's pretty young isn't he? Like, toddler young? We could get him a toy."
"Yeah, but the thing is he lives in a toy box. I think he has everything he needs in the toy department." Mario reasoned.
"Hmm…" Luigi contemplated, "We could get him a night-light… what?" Luigi added when he saw Mario's confounded stare.
"Right, we get the ball of light a night-light." Mario said.
"Well I don't hear you coming up with any ideas!" Luigi shouted, throwing his hands into the air. Mario had no response to this however, because it was true. He couldn't think of a single thing that Watt could find useful or entertaining that he didn't already have. Finally he reached for the only solution he could think of; giving up.
"Night light it is." Mario said in a huff, draining the last of his hot chocolate.
Luigi frowned, having been utterly defeated as well. But rather than adopting his brother's attitude he tried to spin the gift into something positive, "We'll tell him it's a humor gift. You know, make it ironic."
"Yeah." Mario agreed, "He'll get it, he likes that kind of humor. Alright, I think Sushie is next. She has to babysit some hyper-active kid yoshis, so what could we get her to help her with that?"
"A tranquilizer gun?" Luigi immediately offered, getting an instant glare from Mario, "Sheesh, excuse me for making jokes." Luigi said sarcastically.
"The problem is they keep running away." Mario continued, "So we need some kind of humane way to keep them in a designated area."
Luigi slammed his hand on the table, "Shock collars!"
"No!" Mario shouted, "Play-pens Luigi. I was hinting that we should get her a play-pen for the yoshis."
"Eh, I still kind of prefer my idea." Luigi said, jotting down 'play pens' next to Sushie's name. "Next."
"Lakilester." Mario reported.
"The dude with the shades?" Luigi asked, "I've heard some pretty saucy rumors about him."
"Saucy?" Mario asked, not sure he even wanted to ask for the definition, "And what rumors?"
"Oh, nothing much really." Luigi, acting disinterested in the topic, "Except that he's going to ask his girlfriend to be his fiancee!"
"No way." Mario said in semi-shock. That wasn't the Lakilester he knew.
"Totes way." Luigi said with a hint of Valley Girl in his voice, "The thing is, he's more broke than a grandpa's hip at a hula-dancing competition."
"Who are you?" Mario asked incredulously. This couldn't have been the same Luigi he was talking to 5 minutes ago.
"Sorry, I think Daisy's starting to rub off on me a bit… Anyways what if we bought an engagement ring for him."
"That's a pretty expensive gift don't you think?" Mario asked, "Maybe just a little over the top?"
"Well we don't have to get the end-all diamond ring." Luigi said, "Just a little something he can use to propose to her."
"Hmm, well I suppose that would do." Mario said. Lakilester would probably really appreciate it, "In fact, let's put Lakilulu's name on it, so he can propose right there on Christmas morning. It'd be weird if he got himself a ring for christmas."
"Brilliant!" Luigi said, writing down the details next to Lakilester's name, "That's everyone right?"
"Well… that's all the people you probably know, but we can't forget about everyone at Rogueport." Mario explained.
"Oh, right." Luigi said, disappointed that the list wasn't finished yet, "Okay, who's next." He said, turning the paper over.
"Goombella. What?" Mario said, seeing Luigi's stupid grin as he said her name.
"Oh, nothing." Luigi said, unable to suppress that toothy grin.
"Tell me." Mario demanded. What was so darn funny about Goombella?
"Nothing, okay?" Luigi responded, using a very flat and serious tone, "Just ignore it."
"Fine." Mario said, crossing his arms. He really did not appreciate being outside of any loops.
"Coughshelovesyouhack" Luigi wheezed.
"What?" Mario asked, knowing something was said.
"Nothing." Luigi said in a sing-song voice, "So what do we know about Goombella?"
"Uh… she's smart… and an archeologist." Mario began, counting her attributes on his fingers.
"Again with the archeology!" Luigi said in an exasperated tone.
"Well she's not actually an archeologist." Mario explained, "She's just studying to be one."
"Like, studying in college?" Luigi asked, an idea forming in his head.
"Goom University."
"We should get her one of those new-fangled laptop computer deals." Luigi said, showing his technical illiteracy.
"That's not a bad idea!" Mario said, glad to have his gift-giving genius of a brother here, "Professor Frankly gave her his old typewriter to work with, so I'm sure she'll be ecstatic about the upgrade."
"Excellent." Luigi said, jotting down the information, "Next is… uh, ooh I know this one! Bandages all over his face, puffy jacket, koopa… uh…"
"Koops." Mario answered, "He's a bit of a klutz, so maybe we should-"
Luigi immediately stopped Mario, waving his hand as though he were fanning away the awful stench of a rotten idea, "You clearly are missing the bigger picture here Bro. Koops wants to be a gangsta-G."
"A what?" Mario asked.
"Look at the signs! The unconfident stuttering, the puffy jacket, the way his fists are always balled up? He's a loser hoping to become king of the streets." Luigi explained.
"Hmm, I never really got that kind of vibe from Koops." Mario said.
"Open your eyes Mario, he's putting on the tough guy act, running off with you on your little adventures to impress some girl. Clearly the perfect gift for him would be some ballin' threads to pimp out his swagger, yo."
"Seriously, who are you?" Mario asked, questioning if his brother had come down some kind of multiple personality disorder, "So what kind of clothes are we talking about?"
"Brass knuckles, tattoos, oversized leather jackets and loose fitting jeans." Luigi explained, writing down the apparel next to Koops' name, "Ooh, the jacket should have his street name on it. Something like K-dawg or The Koopster."
"Yeah, I'll leave that one up to you, L-Dawg…" Mario said quietly, "Okay, so after Koops we… teamed up with… Flurrie." Mario finished with a knot in his stomach.
"What's wrong bro?" Luigi asked. Mario would have answered if a million chills weren't shooting down his spine simultaneously.
"Pearl necklace!" Mario shrieked, clutching his chest as though he was coming under a heart-attack. Foam sprayed from his mouth as he screamed. Luigi stared in complete awe that the very mention of her name could bring Mario to a near-sobbing fit. If only he knew the sheer horrors that came with being in the company of the once pop-diva.
"O… kay…" Luigi said, writing down 'Pearl Necklace' next to Flurrie's name. After a cold bucket of water was splashed onto him Mario was finally able to calm himself. Over the course of half an hour they worked out the remainder of the list. Boxing gloves for Yoshi Jr., a dress for Vivian, A new captain's hat for Bobbery, and the lucrative "L" badge for Ms. Mowz (Luigi was creeped out by the idea that a badge could make someone look like him, and the only use Mario could think of it was for halloween.)
Finally the long list was finished, a gift for every person who helped Mario on his famous quests. Luigi and Mario headed out to the mall, each carrying half of Luigi's massive present pile along the way to drop off at the post office. After a round trip to the mall both brothers returned to the post office again, carrying even larger mounds of gifts.
"Wow, you two have been busy today." Parakarry commented as the brothers slammed their presents onto the counter, "I assume these are assigned for next day delivery as well?"
"Yep." The brothers said in unison. Even the famous duo procrastinated on gift-giving, and it was now late into the evening on Christmas Eve.
"Excellent, let me file these out for you." Parakarry said, looking at each name attached to each present and storing them into shelves accordingly, "Wow, you're getting everyone gifts this year!" Parakarry commented.
"Yeah." Luigi commented, although his response lingered in the air, "But, I keep getting this weird feeling that we forgot someone."
"I can't wait to open mine." Parakarry said happily, noticing that everyone from Mario's first adventure was being given a gift.
"Yeah." Mario said to his brother, sharing the same feeling, "I just keep coming back to the 'did we remember everyone' question."
"I'm guessing I'm at the bottom, eh?" Parakarry said, having sorted half the presents already.
"Maybe we should double check the list, just to be absolutely sure." Luigi said, bringing out the list and reading from the top down, "Goombario."
"We got him your books." Mario said.
"Kooper."
"We… WE FORGOT KOOPER!" Mario shrieked!
"Quick, think." Luigi said, performing a nervous dance on his toes looking for potential gifts in the post office, "Uh… uh… I GOT IT!". With fast action Luigi produced a crumpled 1 dollar bill from his back pocket, and raced to the outside of the post office. There he donated said bill to a red bucket marked "Salvation Army", and then ran back in the post office.
"What was that?" Mario asked.
"Okay, now…" Luigi said, trying to catch his breath, "We just write him a letter explaining that we donated to charity in his name."
"Uh, I don't think it works like that." Mario commented.
"Shuddup, it's our only option!" Luigi said, magically producing stationary and a pen once again. Although he wrote furiously his hand-writing remained neat and girly. Meanwhile Parakarry had whittled down the pile of presents to two last boxes.
"Okay, one of these has to be mine…" Parakarry said, "Which one, which one… THIS ONE!" He said, plucking one of the two remaining boxes from the counter. He sighed when he read Flurrie's name, "I suppose I saved the best for last." Parakarry commented, tossing Flurrie's box into the Boggly Woods shelf and the final box into his designated slot. It was the only item to enter the box in months.
"One last thing, Parakarry." Luigi said, adding the finishing touches to his letter. He passed it to Parakarry, who then nonchalantly threw it into the proper bin. Finally satisfied with their Christmas shopping the brothers Mario trotted home, excited for the following day.
"Can I give you hint?" Luigi asked childishly as he and his brother prepared to go to sleep.
"I don't want a hint." Mario affirmed after spitting the frothy toothpaste from his mouth.
"Pleeeeease." Luigi whined, "It's killing me to wait this long!"
"I'm sure you'll survive." Mario said, donning his night cap.
"Okay." Luigi said, climbing into his bunk in defeat "… Can I have a hint for my present then?"
"No." Mario answered, "Good night."
"Night." Luigi responded, before instantaneously falling asleep. Finally after a long day Mario was finally going to get some shut eye.
"Mario wake up!" Luigi bellowed.
"What?" Mario asked, sitting upright in his bed, looking for whatever was alerting Luigi.
"It's Christmas!" Luigi bellowed, running out of the room and leaping down almost all of the stairs. Mario was still in a haze, looking dumbfounded at his alarm clock. Indeed the red lights flashing in the clock's monitor indicated it was almost 7 in the morning. This should have been impossible since it felt like Mario's head had just hit the pillow, but the rising sun did not lie. It was Christmas.
"Hurry up, I want to open presents!" Luigi shouted from downstairs.
"Alright, alright." Mario whined, stretching through an extended yawn. He slowly lowered himself down the stairs one by one. A lone green present remained under the tree. The red present was already on the table, waiting by a plumber in green pajamas eagerly bouncing in his seat.
"Alright, who should go first?" Luigi said.
"Do you want to?" Mario asked, lazily bending over and reaching under the tree for his present.
"No, I want to see your face when you open your present." Luigi said. Mario gave a shallow sigh and made his way over to the table. Luigi studied Mario's face through the entire process of removing the gift wrapping from his present. Mario wasn't sure if Luigi was blinking.
"Alright, here we go." Mario said, readying himself to open the lid of the box. Like a long attached band-aid Mario felt that a quick motion for the removal would be best. All at once his present was revealed to him, "Oh wow…" Mario said, clearly feigning interest, "A toolbox. That's really neat Luigi."
"What?" Luigi asked, his eyes wide, "That wasn't for you. If you got Torque's present… oh no." Luigi said, burying his hands, "I mixed up the tags. I'm such an idiot!"
"Hey, we all make mistakes." Mario said, reassuring his brother, "At least I can use this for my job, right? It's not a total screw-up."
"I guess." Luigi said in a pout, "But you would have liked your actual present a lot more."
"What was it?" Mario asked. Meanwhile, on Circuit Break Island-
"What's this? A present from Luigi?" Torque asked, pulling the fanciful wrapped gift from beneath his tree, "Oh boy, what could it be?" He spat sarcastically, "I hope it isn't something horrible, like bees. That jerk would get me bees." For a short moment Torque considered tossing the present entirely, but finally decided to see what he received.
"Whoa, HEY! What is this!" Torque said with a smile, "A Mailbox 3D! Alright, this is exactly what I wanted! Woohoo!". Torque immediately sprang into a cherry dance, prancing about his living room while celebrating his gift. In his excitement Torque's eyes caught a list that he had pinned to the wall. The name of the list, written in a bold, red pen was "The hit-list". 4 of the 11 names had been crossed out in the same red marker, indicating they had been 'taken care of'. The 5th name on the list was Luigi's.
Torque looked at his list, then at his present, then back to his list before returning his gaze back to the MailBox 3D. After a long period of consideration, Torque brought out his trusty marker and crossed out Luigi's name from the list. They were even now.
Back at the Mushroom Kingdom Luigi was hitting his head on the edge of the table repeatedly, saying 'stupid' with every succession.
"It really isn't that big of a deal!" Mario reassured, "I'm probably going to use this tool box more than some phone."
This caused Luigi to at least stop inducing brain damage to himself, "Really?"
"Yeah, it's totally awesome. I love it." Mario said, holding the toolbox in a loving fashion, "Now why don't you open your present."
"Okay." Luigi said, pulling his present towards him. The wrapping paper became confetti in a matter of seconds, flying through the air and obscuring Mario's view of Luigi's reaction to his gift. Although the following "wow" was more than enough, "Is this…" Luigi asked in near disbelief as he pulled a plastic ball from the box. Half of the ball was transparent, while the other half was tinted green. Luigi's present was encased in the ball.
"It's a Mini-Luigi." Mario said proudly, "I had the guys down at Mini-land whip it up for you." By this point Luigi had already released his new toy onto the table. The tiny robot version of Luigi waddled to and fro and Mario began to explain further, "And this is a one of a kind model. This is the only officially licensed Mini-Luigi to exist in the world."
"I love it!" Luigi said giddily, watching his doppelganger strut his stuff around the table.
"And check this out, if you push the head in it says catchphrases." Mario said, demonstrating by pushing on the top of the Mini-Luigi's hat. The head of the toy receded slightly into the torso like a tortoise, making a small by satisfying clicking noise. When the head was released it returned to it's original position and played an electronic soundclip similar to Luigi's 'yahoo' through a hidden speaker.
"This is the best Christmas ever!" Luigi cheered.
"This is the worst Christmas ever!" A voice shouted from the front porch, invoking a shared look of confusion between the brothers. Mario was the first to take action, walking to the front door and opening it, revealing a very ticked off Parakarry.
"Oh hey, what's up?" Mario asked, wondering if mailmen got Christmas off. It was likely that they didn't and that was what was upsetting Parakarry.
"Is this your idea of a joke?" Parakarry demanded, shoving a night light into Mario's face. His tight grip threatened to shatter it like an empty egg shell, "Who gets some a night light for christmas?"
Mario could only stare at the nightlight in a state of confused silence. He remembered specifically getting that present for Watt. So why was it here on Mario's porch, slowly being squeezed to it's breaking point by the shaking fist of his mail carrier?
"You know, when I only get one present under my tree, I'm kind of hoping that it's something really special." Parakarry explained in a ragged tone, "So when I find A NIGHT LIGHT in that box, well let's say someone isn't going to get mail for a MONTH. AT LEAST." Parakarry ended the brief conversation by throwing the night light to the ground, and crushing the broken item under his foot. He spat on the porch and went on his way.
"Who put pinecones in his underwear?" Luigi asked from across the room.
"I think there was a mix up yesterday at the post office." Mario began, "Parakarry got Watt's present, so who got Parakarry's present?"
"We got Parakarry a present?" Luigi asked. Mario pursed his lips in thought, mentally going over the list he and his brother had filled out yesterday. A long groan escaped his mouth when he realized that Parakarry was omitted from the list.
"Don't worry about it Mario, it's Christmas!" Luigi said, extending his arms all the way out as though he were trying to hug the air itself, "No one can stay angry on Christmas."
"Where's your gift?" Mario asked. Luigi looked down, seeing the table bare of any miniature figures of himself. He ducked under the table, seeing if the toy had walked off the table. Finding the floor absent of any robots, Luigi stood back up, scratching his temple and shooting Mario a quizzical look.
"MINE!" a voice shouted. Judging from the volume, it seemed as though someone was screaming joyously on the Mario brother's front lawn. In their search for the noise, the brothers found an open window that was closed mere moments ago. Poking their heads out of the window they saw a capped Goomba quickly making his getaway, "It's all mine!"
The goomba had ran blindly into the street, failing to see or dodge the oncoming bread truck. With the sickening sound of crunching metal the bread truck collided, sending the goomba airborne. The Goomba released it's grip on the toy, choosing to use it's mouth to scream rather than to hold a stolen item. Then it hit the ground, where it remained silent. In haste Mario and Luigi dashed outside to aid the Goomba. There, in the middle of the street, they saw Goombario lying on his back with a very dizzy expression under his face.
"What in the-" Mario got out before Luigi conveniently interrupted him.
"Hey! That's my Mini-Luigi!" Luigi shouted, pointing to the figurine laying inches from a blue cap that had landed several feet from Goombario.
"What's the meaning of this?" Mario asked.
"Eeeeugh…" Goombario responded lazily, still trying to mentally stop the world from spinning.
"Did you take my toy you little punk?" Luigi demanded.
"I'm sorry." Goombario whined, slowly returning to reality, "I couldn't resist. It's one of a kind!" He added, hoping they would understand his reasoning for theft.
"How do you know that? Were you watching us open gifts?" Mario asked, feeling a distant chill run down his spine.
"I… I didn't mean to!" Goombario pleaded, "I just wanted to come by and say thanks for the awesome books, but then I saw Luigi's gift through the window, and I needed it to complete my collection."
"Collection? Collection of what?" Luigi asked, silently thanking the gods that his toy wasn't harmed in any way.
"Only the latest Super Luigi merchandise." Goombario answered, "You're the coolest thing since hot cakes."
"He hasn't fully come to." Mario said, noting that Goombario was mixing up his phrases, when suddenly his Mailbox SP was vibrating. He retrieved the item and answered politely, receiving a wail from Bruce in return.
"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." Bruce said through his violent sobs.
"Hey, dude, uh… what's up?" Mario asked tentatively. It sounded like he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, nothing you ever want from a Bob-Omb.
Sniffing long and loudly, Bruce explained, "Well, we went to the relationship counseling thing you got us. And the counselor wanted to know us personally, so he started asking questions. Then he started asking Bombette more personal questions, and then they started flirting."
"Oh." Mario said, "That stinks, man."
"Now they're making out on his desk." Bruce continued.
"What!" Mario asked, shooting a shocked look at Luigi. He only shrugged in response, not know what to say himself. Mario could hear strange sounds in the background through the phone.
"You're not still in the room, are you?" Mario asked.
"Yeah." Bruce choked out before giving another wail, "This is the 4th worst day of my life."
"Alright man, well, I have to go. This goomba just got hit by a bread truck, so I should probably deal with that."
"Wait-" Bruce spat out before being hung up on. Mario made a mental note to block his number for awhile.
"Hey Mario, what's going on?" Koops greeted from behind, giving Mario a jolt. He had his fill of surprises for the by this point.
"Oh, you know. Passed out goomba in the road and blubbering Bob-Ombs calling me all day. The usual." He said nonchalantly.
"I hear that." Koops said in agreement, causing a brief pause of awkwardness between the two. "Anyway…" Koops continued, motioning towards the sleeping bag and toothbrush he was carrying under his arm, "I was wondering if I could crash at your place for awhile."
"Uh… sure, I guess." Mario answered. He didn't even have his morning cup of coffee, there was no way he could deal with all of these shenanigans going on at once. He hadn't even been awake for an hour. Against his better judgment he asked, "Why are you staying over?".
"Oh, I've been run out of Petalburg." Koops answered, "The peaceful folk get pretty nervous when someone walks through the streets wearing gang stuff."
Mario shot an icy glare to Luigi, who tried to put on his most innocent face, "Sorry to hear about that, you can hang with us until things cool down."
"Thanks!" Koops said, "I'll just make myself at home." Once he was out of earshot Mario turned to his brother.
"I thought you were some kind of master gift giver. Nothing's gone right yet!"
Luigi put his hands up defensively, "Whoa, calm down bro. Flukes happen to the best of us. I'm sure the worst is already over."
Unfortunately it was far, far, far from over. The entire day Mario had been receiving complaints from just about everyone on the list. Bootler contacted Mario complaining on behalf of Lady Bow, who had locked herself in a bathroom and cried non-stop. Apparently she took incredible pride in her 'natural beauty', so Mario's gift of make-up was a real blow to her ego. As such the entire society of Gusty Gulch had crumbled, leading to an outbreak of riots and crime never before seen.
Watt angrily told Mario that they were no longer on speaking terms once he had found out literally all of Mario's allies other than him received a gift.
Peach forwarded a distress signal the higher ups at the castle had received from Yoshi Island. The Yoshi Kids took the play pens the Mario brothers had supplied to Sushi and turned them into cages for the inhabitants of the island by flipping them over on top of the adults and nailing them down.
Lakilulu has been inconsolable after a heated argument erupted when she had unwrapped an engagement ring that she believed was from Lakilester. When Lakilester explained that we wasn't interested in marrying her things became ugly fast. Now the total number of relationships ruined has risen to 2.
Luigi was left in charge of purchasing the laptop for Goombella. However he went with the cheapest model available, a low-grade machine that was re-called literally minutes after his purchase once it was found to explode after over-heating. Goombella's dorm room, along with her intensive 300 page research thesis (which there was only one copy of) had been obliterated. She has been suspended from the campus and must support herself as a minimum-wage barista until she can find a new college to study at.
Yoshi Jr. was immediately expelled from the Glitz Pit once they had found the boxing gloves in his room. 'Hidden away in a box wrapped in festive paper, stashed behind an ornate tree' as the security guard described it. It was a strict policy that competitors could not use any performance enhancers in the fight, which they believed Yoshi Jr. was planning to do. Mario had been receiving furious texts from Jolene since then for making her lose her biggest crowd-getter. No one else had bothered to contact Mario, even to say a simple thank-you.
Completely wiped out from a long, stressful day, Mario slumped onto his couch, his right hand laid lazily across his forehead. "I officially name this as the worst christmas ever." He announced.
"It's not that bad, at least we got to try some of Koop's killer eggnog." Luigi said, holding up a cup of Koop's special brew to his welcome guest.
"I suppose." Mario said weakly, "I just wanted at least one person to really like their gift, you know?" He sighed heavily, looking blankly at the ceiling.
"Well there's still 3 hours left for a christmas miracle." Luigi said, motioning towards the clock on the wall. It read 9:12 PM.
"Come on Luigi, everyone hates me now. It's too late for miracles." Mario said, steadfast in his moping ways. Suddenly, as if on cue during a cheesy christmas special, the doorbell chimed. The Mario brothers and Koops looked at one another warily. Perhaps this would be the one good thing to have come from this Christmas? Mario wasn't going to allow this one opportunity to pass him by. He quickly leapt off of his sofa and dashed to the door, eager to see who was waiting for him.
"MARIO!" The guest cheered once the door was open, "I absolutely LOVED my gift! Thank you, thank you, thank you." The cheerful person clutched their special gift in their plump, meaty hands.
Mario drew quick, shallow breaths. On his porch, standing before him, looking adamantly into his eyes, his very soul, was a lumpy, grotesque, floating wad of absolute misery and woeful delusion. It's lips glistened in the cold winter night, pursed together in a frozen state of constant promiscuous intent.
Mario's feet went cold, his hands shivered, rattling the doorknob as his gaze drifted from the cherry-red lips to the dark, soulless eyes of the loathsome creature before him. Gobbed in pounds of eyeliner and contrasted against her ghostly skin with a heavy, dark eye shadow. Her eyes did not move, as if they were painted on by a careless craftsman. Her rigid hair sat on her bulbous head, held together with a wide array of aerosol products and gels. Not an inch of her face wasn't a weak attempt to hide the true monstrosity that she was.
"I believe someone deserves a big, fat, wet, sloppy kiss." Flurrie said in a voice that could be called sexy if it wasn't delivered in such a deep tone. She slowly brought her face to Mario's, savoring the sickening seconds that ticked by as doom drew nearer.
Acting on instinct Mario slammed the door as hard as he could muster, nearly shattering the door frame itself. Of course simple things like wooden doors could not stop such abominations like Flurrie. She simply phased through the door, using her fat, metaphysical body to circumnavigate the very laws of physics. Mario turned to run, but Flurrie was faster, shooting out her flabby ghost arms and grabbing Mario by both shoulders, pinning him in place.
Then, like a Viper who had finally caught it's prey in it's deadly coils, Flurrie launched her torso forward, colliding faces with the poor red-clad plumber. What transpired was less of a kiss on Flurrie's part and more of a slow slurping motion across Mario's face, as though she were sampling a delectable morsel from the buffet line. A thin film of ecto-plasmic slobber enveloped the poor plumber's face, leaving no square inch clean of the horror.
Flurrie finally relented, pulling back with a loud pop as the vacuum between her lips and Mario's shocked expression was released. With a wave of the hand and a haunting 'too-doo-loo' she disappeared into the air itself, leaving only a disheveled man in her wake.
Mario could only stand in place, with a look of disgust and torment plastered on his face. His thought processes had completely shut down during the episode, possibly sparing him any traumatic memories of the event. His breathing was ragged and shallow, as though he was fighting to keep the contents of his stomach from spewing from his slack-jawed mouth. The only motion throughout his entire body was the slow stream of hot, bitter tears that flowed from his unblinking eyes. Finally, after a painfully long moment of silence, Luigi was the one to speak.
"Okay, now I think we can call this the worst Christmas ever."
Not too shabby is I say so myself. If you enjoyed this piece, or enjoyed any of my humorous works, then I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend you check out The Smart One 64's work, since his humor strikes a very similar chord to mine. As a message to my internet buddy, sorry for the stupid-long delay and I hope it was worth the wait (unlikely, but a man can dream).