We didnt get to see insecure Rayna on the show much, if at all, and i would have loved to of seen Deacon being his sweet, soft self in times like that. I know Rayna was always confident and the one looking after everyone else, but it would of been nice to see that vulnerable side come out a bit more often. Reviews are always appreciated, thankyou!
April 2019.
Rayna had decided to perform at the highway 65 Easter concert this year, considering it was the first year she had a proper full label of artists. They never did this type of concert, but she felt like after all the hard work over the years, building her label to be what it is today, she wanted to give her fans and the public something exciting to look forward to.
The concert was tonight, and all morning she had been pulling outfits out of her wardrobe to try on, giving a twirl in the mirror to each one, but none were acceptable in her eyes. She was in fact 6 months pregnant, and her large baby bump was putting a downer on her outfits - she felt huge.
She found a white, thigh length dress tucked at the back of her wardrobe, that had tassels all across the chest, draping down to the stomach. She decided to put it on in hope it would be the one. As she pulled it over her head and wriggled the material down her body, she looked down and thought it felt great, looked great to from what she was able to see. She traipsed across the room to the mirror, feeling optimistic. She gave a side on view of herself and her heart sank. No. This was ugly. She looked fat. She looked disgusting. There was no way she was being seen on stage in front of hundreds of people in this.
"Ugh!" she scoffed at the view of herself in the mirror. In that moment Deacon came up the stairs and found her trying to wriggle out of the dress, with not a lot of luck. He also couldn't help but notice the pile of outfits strewn across the floor - he could barely see carpet.
"Hey..." he frowned, picking up a few dresses, jackets...anything in his way and placed them on the end of the bed. "whats going on in here?"
"Its that damn Easter show, you know that thing tonight for the label..." she explained, still trying to lift the dress over her bump.
Deacon continued lifting her leftover clothes up off the floor, trying to tidy her mess. "Yes, i know."
"Yes, and i cant find an outfit." she flatly said, giving up with the dress.
"From where i'm standing, you've found about 100 of them..." he softly laughed, looking around at her piles of discarded clothes.
"No, they don't work." she began placing her clothes Deacon had picked up back on their hangers. "I'm gonna have to cancel."
"Ray, what are you talking about? Surely there's something in amongst all this that you like?"
"I like all of it, Deacon. I just...I look fat in them all." she made her way over to the wardrobe with a handful of clothes, hanging them back up. He was the only person she could be truly vulnerable with, completely open up too, but the truth was he wouldn't even understand how it felt to be in her shoes right now.
He watched her walk over to the closet and his heart sunk at her response. She didn't look fat, not at all. She looked pregnant, but not fat. "Baby -"
"No, don't say i look fine. I know i don't -"
"Hey, hey hey.." he walked over to where she was standing, clasping her hands between his. "You look amazing, Ray. You don't look fat, you simply look like a woman who is carrying a child... there's a child in here" he tapped her stomach lightly with his palm.
Tears suddenly welled up in her eyes. She had been through this twice already with Maddie and Daphne, and now she was having to do it again at 50 years old. Something she never imagined, and felt ridiculous half the time. She knew people around the town talked about her, about how shes 'to old' to be having a baby, and looking in the mirror right now made her feel like they were absolutely right.
"Listen to me, okay. I know i cant understand how you feel right now, but i know you don't look fat. I know that, because i'm looking at you right now, and i look at you every single day. You are carrying my child - our child - and that's a blessing. There's only 3 months to go before he...or she is out of you and everything will start feeling like its going back to normal." his hand was gently grazing across her stomach, feeling their baby kick at his touch.
"But look, Deacon. Look at me..." she sobbed. She didn't want to cry today, she had done enough of that the past 6 months to last an entire life time but she couldn't help it. "My stomach is huge, my boobs are almost twice the size, and they were already big enough in the first place. I just want to feel normal again."
"Baby.." he placed his hands on either side of her face, wiping away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. "I am looking at you, and damn, you look beautiful." he smiled as he placed a soft kiss to her cheek, tasting her tears. He grabbed her hand and led her towards the mirror, placing her in front of it, him behind her with his hands wrapped around her bump. "Look at you..." he rested his hands on the under side of her bump. In that moment both of their minds wandered back to when Maddie was 5 months old and they were back out on tour.
1999
Tour had started back 2 days ago, 5 months after Maddie's birth. She had insisted she get out now and continue, otherwise she would go crazy. She missed the road and performing more than anything while adjusting to being a mother. She loved Maddie so incredibly much, but as soon as she could, she wanted to be back doing what she was born to do. Music. Bucky had insisted she wait another month or two, but she was adamant she was ready.
The tour bus was...a tour bus. Her room was in the back with a little cot for when Maddie came on board for a couple nights every now and again, a hallway full of bunks, a mini kitchen...just everything she loved. Life on the road was where she wanted to be for the rest of her life.
Right now she was trying to pick out an outfit for tonight's show, but she couldn't find one that she felt good in. She felt like she was carrying so much baby fat that it wasn't even funny. She had never really felt uncomfortable in her own skin, but right now she did. The boys were up front playing cards, a couple of them plucking chords on their guitars.
"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom." Deacon said, before standing up and making his way to the back of the bus. The truth was, he wanted to check on Rayna. She had been gone for around an hour and he knew that was unusual considering she said she'd be back in a minute. He noticed her bedroom door was slightly ajar, but he didn't want to just walk straight in. It wasn't his place to do so anymore, and as sad as that made him, he had to respect it.
He knocked slightly, before calling her name as quietly as he could without the guys hearing. Luckily at the entrance to the hallway there was a door, so it was unlikely they could anyway. He didn't hear a response and thought maybe she had fallen asleep, so he nudged the door open slightly and couldn't see her, so went inside. He noticed her en-suite door was open and the light was on so he made his way over. As he peered around the door he saw her with nothing but her bra and panties on. "Oh my god, sorry!" he quickly covered his eyes with his hands, knowing she would feel far to exposed right now.
"Deacon! What the hell! Have you not heard of knocking!" she ran past him and grabbed the blanket from the end of her bed, wrapping it around her body. "Good lord, you gave me a heart attack!"
"I did knock, but there was no answer...i'm sorry." but by this time he was laughing. He couldn't help it. He took his hands away from his eyes and there she was standing in front of him with her blanket around her. "You don't gotta cover up for me, Ray, you know I've seen it all before."
"Not this post baby body you haven't." she raised her eyebrows before sitting on the edge of the bed.
Deacon looked around at all the clothes strewn on the floor and wondered what on earth was going on.
"What are you doing in here anyway...weren't you playing cards with the guys?" she questioned.
"Yeah but you were gone a while so i thought id come check on you...i think the question is what the hell have you been doing in here?" he laughed as he looked around at the mess. She usually always kept things so tidy, but right now this was anything but.
"Just trying on some clothes for tonight's show." she shrugged. He could tell something wasn't right though. He always could.
"Ray, what is it? Whats bothering you?"
She frowned. "What do you mean? I'm just trying clothes on, Deacon. Its not a big deal." she shot up and made her way back into the bathroom, blanket still wrapped around her.
He shook his head at her stubbornness, and lent himself up against the frame of her en-suite. "I know you, and i know somethings botherin' you. Look, whatever it is, i ain't gonna judge."
"...I know." she looked at him for a brief moment before picking up a dress from the floor and shooing him out. He went and perched himself on a chair across the other side of the room, watching as she shut the door over enough so he couldn't see anything.
He sat in silence for a couple minutes, waiting for her to be done, like she always was when she threw on a dress, but nothing. He then suddenly heard the quiet sound of sobs coming from behind the door. He furrowed his brows and made his way back towards the bathroom. "Ray?"
She just continued to softly sob. He took that as his cue to slowly make his way in. She didn't stop him, much to his surprise. The sight in front of him broke his heart. She was on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, tears staining her cheeks. He gently knelt down beside her, placing a hand on her back. He had no idea what the matter was, but there was clearly something.
"Ray, whats wrong? You can tell me." he whispered, as she swiped at her tears.
"I just..." she sobbed "I look awful in all this stuff now, ever since having Maddie. I should never have come back out on the road."
He involuntarily ran his hand through her hair, soothing her in the way he always did.
"I mean look how fat i am now, how am i meant to go out on stage looking like this?!"
He quickly grabbed a bunch of toilet roll and dabbed at her eyes and cheeks, gently wiping away any smudged mascara. He knew this was probably crossing the line of acceptable right now, but they both also knew that these moments on tour, when nobody else was around...they were the most special. It was between them, and them only.
"You look beautiful. You look damn amazing." he looked into her eyes, running a thumb across her cheek. "Don't you dare ever say you're fat, you ain't. Yes you've had a baby and maybe you think your body's changed, but everyone's does, Ray. Every woman's does."
She shook her head as he spoke, almost as if she believed him, but then didn't at the same time.
"Yes." he nodded. "You're one fit lookin' mama!" he smiled as he lifted her face to meet his gaze.
She laughed through her misty eyes at his comment. She knew deep down she didn't look that bad, but she was so self conscious. Not around him, or the band, but standing in front of an arena with thousands of fans...that was a different ballgame. "You're an idiot." she smiled softly.
"I may be an idiot, Ray, but at least i'm an honest idiot." he tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear before helping her stand up. She straightened out her dress which was sparkly and golden, reaching mid thigh. It was on the tighter side, but it had always been a favourite of hers. He twisted her around so she was looking into the mirror, his hands on her bare arms. "Look at you." he smiled as he watched as her eyes suddenly began to smile. It was like with him standing next to her, with his hands on her, she felt like the prettiest person on earth.
"Maybe its not so bad after all...maybe you were right."
"Oh, i'm always right." he winked.
They both snapped back to reality, and came face to face with a scenario very similar. They were both standing in front of the mirror with an emotional Rayna. Some things really do never change, he thought to himself. 20 years later and here they were again. He knew she would have numerous more breakdowns over her bump and her image over the next few months, but taking one at a time was always how he dealt with this.
"See these tassels?" he ran his fingers over them, playing with the ends. "They look damn adorable."
"Yeah but look at my bump, its massive and i'm only 6 months...god knows what i'm gonna look like at 9." she let a tear fall down her cheek, him swiping it away with his thumb. He hated seeing her so emotional and unsure of herself, but it was his duty to reassure her. He was only telling her the truth.
"Baby..you're carrying a human inside there, you're hardly gonna be flat are you." he softly kissed her cheek while continuing to hold her in front of the mirror.
"I know, but i wasn't this big with the girls." she trailed her eyes down to her bump, placing a hand over his that were residing there. "I..i know i'm just pregnant, Deacon, but i feel huge. Going out on stage is just so terrifying for me right now."
"Well why don't i perform with you?" he suggested, hoping it might ease some of her worry and tension.
"No, no, babe, i have to do this myself." she insisted. She wasn't going to let this worry effect the night and her performance, she couldn't. She had to be strong and show not only him, but herself that she was able to do this. Of course he knew though that she was capable of this an that she would. He knew she was strong.
"Okay, well if you're gonna get up there...this dress you have on now, its the one." he smiled, smoothing his hands softly over her bump. "You look beautiful, baby."
She twisted around in his arms so she was facing him, her stomach poking into his mid section, sending a jolt of electricity through his body. The feel of her bump was something he never expected to feel the way he does about. He didn't ever want it to go, but he knew in the next few months, it'll be replaced by their baby. Rayna ran her fingers along his stubble, marvelling at the touch of it. She reached up on her tippy toes and planted a soft kiss to his lips. "Thankyou."
"For what?" he whispered against her lips.
"For doing what you always do. Reassuring me." she smiled. As much as they had been through so much as a couple and been apart for so long, one thing she always admired about him, and loved, was his ability to make her feel so good about herself. She never felt uncomfortable around him, and knew she never would.
"Baby, i'm simply telling you the truth. You could wear a bin bag and id still think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I know you're struggling right now, but trust me when i say that you look stunning, okay." he ran his hand through her hair.
"Okay." she smiled, leaning up to give him another kiss before settling into his arms, pressing her face into his chest. "before this baby arrives though, you're probably in for a lot more episodes of me doubting myself."
"Oh, i presumed i would be." he laughed, kissing the top of her head gently. "Come on, you got a show to get ready for."
Like usual, she took the stage, bump and all, and knocked the crowds socks off. Deacon was watching from the side of the stage, his heart melting at the way she would involuntarily cradle her bump during her performance. This woman, this human being...was his wife. He couldn't understand how he got so damn lucky, but he knew he could never let her go. Not ever.