Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies…I do not own the boys or SPN, but I'm one sneaky bitch when I wanna be and I'm sure I can out deal or steal even Bella, so look out Kripke, I'm gonna get them from you one way or another…
Drabble Word Challenge: All Words= Complex, Forlorn, Bore, Matter, Incense, Rigid, Condone, Knight
Chapter 1:
Ain't Too Proud To Beg…
Dean sat alone in the Impala, balefully silent in his brooding as he studied the apartment complex across the way. He turned his heavy-lidded eyes away, closing them as tears threatened to escape them. They prickled under the restraining sheaths, a bitter pain for bitter tears. His eyes fell open without his consent, their gaze shifting to the building again. He stared forlornly at the building, knowing his little brother was silently slumbering away inside. His mind slipped backwards through time, the path so easily mapped out from being so often thought of. All his regrets, his anguish, his misery…all of it echoed in his mind, haunting him, teasing him, breaking him a little more each day. For years, for decades…he alone had bore the brunt of caring for and raising his little brother. From the very moment his father had placed the tiny, frightened bundle in his arms and commanded him to take care of his little brother, to save him, to take him to safety…his every waking moment had been about two things: his little brother, and 2. Protecting his family. He had raised Sam. He watched over him, guided him as he began to grow into a man. He was so proud of Sam. He was a good and caring soul, and though it pained Dean to admit to himself, he knew Sammy was never really meant to be a hunter. His brother was better than this. Better than them. Deanhad long ago realized that his needs never mattered, so long as Sammy got what he needed. He knew, all the while when they were growing up, that Sam was smart. His little brother was voracious for knowledge, Sammy's nose was always pressed into a book when he wasn't doing the physical training and work their father demanded of them. He was hungry to learn anything and everything, always curious, always capable of intuitive leaps of logic. He possessed the kind of single-minded focus that Dean always admired and was secretly jealous of. Dean was smart, but not like Sammy. Learning in school was hard for him. The reading, and studying and schoolwork had all been a challenge to him. He could do it, if he put his mind to it, but he knew from the get go, Sammy was going to win that fight, no matter how hard he tried to keep up, so he let his little brother win without a second thought. He didn't bother to try. When his brother railed against their dad, time and time again, he was the one who was always stuck in the middle, always the one trying to placate both sides. It was for his own selfish reasons really, because he just wanted to keep his family together. They were his world. He knew, without a doubt that he wasn't strong enough to make it without them. He needed them, far more than they needed him. When his brother told them he was leaving for school, even though he knew it was only a matter of time, it was still a shock: a slap in the face. He was incensed, bitter…angrier than he could ever remember…So was their father. He was jealous, bitter, sad, all the things he always kept locked up inside, safely blockaded behind the walls he had built, never allowing his little brother to see he weak he really was inside. He resented Sam for it, though he was also so very proud and happy for his brother. He resented that Sam knew what he wanted, that he fought tooth and nail to get it. He resented that fact that his little brother might actually succeed in having a normal life. He'd had that once...a father who loved him, a mother who doted on him, a little brother to take care of. He'd had four years of that life. When the Yellow-Eyed Demon had taken his mother from him that night, he'd also taken his father, too. Dean had struggled to find a way to function again, finally finding that if he just locked away all that memories of that life and left behind the notion that he could ever have that again, he could survive. He could exist, even if he would never again really live. But he told himself over and over that he could live with that. He never really believed it, though. So the thought that Sam would get to have what he'd always desperately, secretly craved...well, he resented his little brother for that, maybe even hated him a little for it. The other, even more painful fact of the matter was: Sam was his only purpose in life, the one thing his father had drilled into his head over and over was that he was there to take of his little brother, to watch out for him. If Sam left, what was he worth anymore? He would be just as useless as his father had always known him to be. He would be nothing, mean nothing. If Sam left, there was no reason for Dean to exist anymore. But Dean could never let Sammy see that, so he swallowed it down, holding himself rigid, pretending his brother wasn't ripping his heart out. When Sam walked out the door, he died inside. His main purpose in life was leaving him, walking away as if he didn't matter. Sam was leaving him behind as though he was nothing to him and never was. When Sam closed the door, his world shattered. With Sam gone, John didn't need him around either. He left him, just walked away. Dean was a soldier to him, a tool, only useful to throw into the fray and to take care of his little brother, just that and nothing more. John barely spoke to him, except to issue an order, which Dean jumped to follow, throwing himself into the job more than ever before, secretly hoping his father would see it and be proud, though he knew full well his father didn't give a damn and would never be proud of him because he wasn't Sam. When his father walked away from the job without completing it, Dean knew something was wrong. He could feel it deep inside. He couldn't lose his father, too. He may not matter in his father's mind, but to Dean, John was the last piece of family he had, and he clung to that fact like he was a man going over a cliff, clinging desperately to the edge. Dean needed to get him back. He didn't…he couldn't be alone. He knew he would have to go to the one person he needed the most, desperately hoping Sammy would come back and help him find their father.
So,…here he sat…gazing at the apartment his brother lay in, happily living out his normal, hum drum life. Busy being blissfully ignorant of the world he knew existed, but stalwartly denied to himself. Sammy was going to be normal if it killed him. Dean closed his eyes, steeling his nerves. He couldn't believe he was condoning this. He was throwing himself at his brother's feet to beg for his help. He would never admit that that was what he was doing, but inside, he knew. He was so desperate to have his family back that he had made himself come to Sam. He had rolled into California, the image of him riding into town like some sort of knight in shining black armor, there to rescue Sam from his boring, hum drum existence played briefly in his mind. He snorted ruefully at the thought, chiding himself for his damn chick-flick musings. He was going to have to do this, or face the world alone. Swallow his pride, to his ever self-abusing shame and go beg his brother to come back, or be completely alone. Stuck as he was between a rock and a very hard place, he broke down and chose to beg.
A/N: Hey Y'all!! I meant this only as a drabble entry, but I plan to expand on it.
As always, please read and review!!! Also, I posted another couple of pieces of my Supernatural jewelry line to eBay so click on the handy links from my profile to see them!!!!
Thank you everybody for reading my work!!