Evangelion Fan Fiction
Shinji AlmightyBy Kraven Ergeist
A/N: Yes, this is a complete rip-off of Bruce Almighty. Shut up. I've wanted to do this for a while, and I simply cannot stop myself. No, I don't own Eva or Bruce Almighty, but I don't really think anyone's going to take issue with that. If they do, I'll remove the fic from the site, but I'll at least be happy knowing that I've written it.
Also, this fic is meant to be humorous. This is my first real stab at Eva comedy fics, but if any of the religious concepts brought up in this fic seem contrived or foolhardy, it's because they are. This fic is not meant to be taken seriously. If your religious beliefs are called into question from this fic, they weren't supposed to be. All this fic intends to give you a (hopefully) good laugh or two.
xxxxx
This year, the Fujisawa's broke Tokyo-3's previous record, baking a three point five meter wide cookie, proving once and for all that the Fujisawa's have way too much free time. But what is this really? Just a big cookie? Or does it represent the pride of Tokyo-3? It's dedicated and hard working citizens, the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and finally the love of our families, which provides the warmth chewy center, which makes our beloved Tokyo-3 the sweetest place to live. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
xxxxx
Misato sipped her beer as she scanned through Shinji's rough draft. "I think it's pretty good."
Shinji hurried buttoned his shirt, a piece of toast dangling in his mouth. "It sucks! It's a paper about a cookie! The Pillsbury Doughboy would be riveted!"
Misato shrugged. "Well, why didn't you make it about another topic?"
Shinji yammered, somehow managing to keep the toast in his mouth. "They were assigned topics! All the others were taken! And what's worse: Tsujimura sensei's making one of us read them out loud! I just pray it's not me. Asuka's got this great topic about the flawed morality in our political system, and all I've got is Tokyo-3's biggest cookie! And as if that's not bad enough, I'm gonna be late!"
Misato shrugged, getting out of her seat. "Well hurry up, then. Oh, here, before you go…"
Shinji wedged his shoes on, finally taking an actual bite of his toast. "What is it?"
Misato produced an elastic beaded bracelet. "Here. You need these more than I do."
Shinji eyed the specimen inquisitively. "And…what are 'these?'"
Misato smiled. "They're prayer beads. Ritsuko gave them to me. They'll keep you safe."
Shinji took the beads and put them on his wrist. "Well, I hope they work. I'm gonna need a miracle to get to school on time."
xxxxx
"Late again, Shinji," Tsujimura sensei asked aloud.
Shinji bowed. "I'm sorry, Sensei! It won't happen again." Dejectedly, he sat down, trace snickers evident in the classroom.
"Well Ikari," the teacher said, smartly. "Since you saw it fit to be late, why don't you present your paper to the class?"
Shinji could only gape in disbelief as he nodded, stepping to the front of the class.
What followed were the most uncomfortable two and a half minutes of Shinji's life. Public speaking was not one of his strong suits. He'd barely squeaked out the last sentence, before he bowed, hiding his face. More snickers followed.
"Very…creative," the teacher commented. "Now, return to your seat. Class, let's resume…"
xxxxx
Shinji was almost grateful for the silence of an entry plug. The solitude and oneness calmed him and left him tranquil.
At least, under most circumstances.
"Shinji, concentrate," Ritsuko pushed. "You're not even in the green zone yet."
Shinji urged his mind to sync better.
"Shinji, I'm serious…" Ritsuko urged.
"Don't bother him, Doctor Akagi," Asuka piped. "He's a bit sensitive today. What's my score like?"
"Seventy-two and climbing," Ritsuko smiled.
"Aaand that's the way the cookie crumbles…" Asuka smirked.
Hyuga and Shigeru had to contain fits of laughter. Apparently, news of Shinji's paper had traveled.
"Don't sweat it, Third Child," Asuka taunted, "See…you just gotta remember that the Eva…is like a big cookie…"
More laughter. Shinji was burning up.
"That's enough Asuka," Ritsuko silenced her. "Shinji, I'm going to need to see you after testing."
xxxxx
Shinji Ikari was not having a good day.
Ritsuko sighed, agitated at the Third Child's latest sync test results. "Shinji, what is the meaning of this? This is your worst score yet."
Shinji eyed the floor, hoping said floor would comfort him more than the faux blonde doctor to whom he spoke. "I'm sorry."
Ritsuko dropped the reports on her desk. "Sorry doesn't help pilot Eva, Shinji."
"Akagi," came a voice that, if applied differently, might have been sufficient to put a halt to most cardiac activity in both the boy and the doctor. "Am I interrupting anything?"
Ritsuko eyed the Commander of NERV. "No, Sir, we're just finishing here. I was just going over the Third Child's latest sync results."
The Commander's gaze could have frozen mercury. "And?"
Ritsuko stiffened, offering him the test result. "Well…they aren't his best, Sir…"
How Gendo managed to pierce his gaze through Shinji so mercilessly while still paying his attention to the papers before him was a mystery to the young pilot. Perhaps it was that his mirrored glasses made it impossible to tell if he was paying attention to the test results or him.
"This is despicable, Pilot," The Commander huffed, discarding the test results as though they were forged from feces. "I expect better results next time. If you disappoint me, you will be dismissed from NERV. Do I make myself clear?"
Shinji was about ready to collapse from the weight those words carried. "Yes…Father…"
xxxxx
Distraught and miserable, Shinji trudged home, not really paying attention to the world around him. Well, decently enough not to accidentally become intimate with every brick wall he happened to pass, he wasn't that numb. He was used to verbal bashings of that sort, but every time his father reminded of just how worthless he was to him, it took a great deal out of him.
This, however, was not enough to prevent fate from doing him up the ass.
"YIP!"
A loud piercing sound, much akin to the sound he himself had been known to make caught his attention, as Shinji turned his gaze up to find a bunch of upper classmen pretty much kicking the shit out of a Doberman puppy.
Shinji didn't know why seeing this made him twist up inside. He knew of course that was a shitty, cowardly act to take out your aggression on those weaker than you. But somehow, seeing the puppy being picked on really sparked a twinge deep within the boy's soul. Like, a feeling of kinship between the sniveling and weak. And of course, we all know what Shinji was famous for.
"Stop that!" Shinji blurted out, before thinking. Also without thinking, he interposed himself between the yelping Doberman and the punks.
"Well, well…we got ourselves a little hero!" one of the upper classmen taunted.
"We'll just have to show him who he's messing with!" another said.
Shinji may have taken a blow or two from Asuka, but those were just warning shots. These guys didn't hold back.
If Shinji hadn't been famous for being a world-class wimp, he'd earned it by the time they were finished with him.
Shinji looked around; the Doberman was nowhere in sight.
"Ugh…real gracious…" he muttered, his bitterness not even focused on those that hurt him.
Wiping a streak of blood off his cheek, he held his stomach where they'd kneed him, Shinji started off down the street again.
Five seconds later, it began to rain.
"That's what I get, don't I?" Shinji grumbled, belligerently. "This is the thanks I get for trying to be the good guy!" Eying the sky resentfully, Shinji pouted. "Did I commit some horrid crime in a past life? What did I do to deserve this?"
Shinji's eyes fell onto the prayer beads on his wrist. "And these things…" He pulled them from his wrist. "These things have done more harm than good!"
With the mightiest of lobs, he hurled the beads into the street and watched them tumble into the gutter.
In the foulest of moods, Shinji made his way home.
xxxxx
"Oh my gosh! Shinji!" Misato gasped, as Shinji came in through the door, bruised and looking rather disheveled. "What on Earth happened to you?"
Shinji shrugged off Misato's touch as he dragged himself inside, flopping down into one of the kitchen chairs.
"A bunch of jerks ganged up on me on my way back," Shinji snuffed. As the words came from his mouth, the anger became real. "They were picking on this poor little dog. I tried to stop them, but…they started punching me instead…"
Misato retrieved a first aid kit from the cabinet. "Where's in God's name was Section Two? Aren't they supposed to protect you? Aren't they doing their job!" Misato began dabbing at the bruise that was forming on his cheek. "Are you hurt bad, Shinji?"
Shinji shook his head. "They were just upper classmen. I'm just…fed up that I couldn't at least hold them off on my own."
Misato sighed. "Well, I'm just glad that you're okay."
"Okay?" Shinji blurted, getting to his feet. "Do I look okay to you? First I'm late for work, the entire class laughs at me, the…Commander chews me out a work, and then those punks beat the shit out of me…what's next? A plague of locusts?"
Asuka came by, catching a glimpse of Shinji's bruised face. "What happened to you? Jump in front of a bus?"
Shinji heaved. "Yeah, I did. That's me – I'm so dumb, I just waltzed in front of moving vehicle!"
Asuka rolled her eyes. "Humph. Be more careful next time."
Shinji fumed as Asuka wandered off. Kicking a chair, Shinji clenched his eyes shut. "What did I do to deserve all this? Sometimes I think God must hate me or something!"
Misato rolled her eyes. "I'm sure God had nothing to do with this. Now, come on, Shinji, stop being-"
"I'm sick of this!" Shinji went on. "I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick all the time! I'm sick of being the odd man out! I'm sick of piloting Eva, I'm sick of Asuka and her attitude, and I'm sick of you and your crummy apartment!"
Misato recoiled slightly, a look of hurt on her face. "Shinji…"
Shinji caught his breath. "Leave me alone…" he panted, heading off to his room. "Just…leave me alone…"
xxxxx
Laying face up, songs blasting at full volume, Shinji did not recall ever in his life feeling a closer resemblance to fecal matter. His eyes were producing more fluid than he could contain, and if he had been at all the verbal type, more expletives than he knew how to pronounce would have been echoing the halls of the Katsuragi residence.
"Why, God?" Shinji sobbed, staring at the ceiling. "Are you just like everyone else who hates me? Why? Why? Why do you have it in for me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this!" He turned over, slamming his face into his pillow. "If you even knew what it was to live my life, I bet you wouldn't be so cruel!"
It's a lot easier to yell at invisible beings – easy enough for the Third Child to vent all his pent up rage on a deity he honestly did not believe in.
That disbelief, however, was about to change.
RING
Shinji blinked. A cell phone?
RING
His cell phone! Who on Earth would be calling him?
RING
He picked up the phone, assuming it was either Toji or Kensuke to brag or complain about something. He didn't recognize the number and put the cell phone down.
"Sorry, 776-2323, don't know you," Shinji groaned, rolling over. "Wouldn't answer even if I did…"
Slowly, he drifted off to sleep.
xxxxx
Breakfast in the morning was slow and uneventful. At least, until Pen-pen squatted and left a puddle of guano on the floor.
"Aw, man," Shinji muttered. "Misato! Your penguin left another mess on the floor!"
"I'm in the shower, Shinji!" came the reply.
Grumbling, Shinji grabbed a paper towel and began cleaning up Pen-pen's refuse.
"I thought that dumb bird was house trained…"
Shinji finished cleaning up and headed out the door.
On his way, his cell phone rang again. He hesitated at the unrecognized number, and put the receiver to his ear.
"Is your father a megalomaniac who makes you pilot giant bio-mechs against your will?" said a recorded message.
Shinji blinked.
"Are you put through hell just for trying to do the right thing?"
Shinji stared at his cell, dumbstruck.
"Do you feel worthless, pathetic and incompetent all the time?"
Shinji returned the phone to his ear.
"Is your name Shinji?"
That made him stop walking quite suddenly.
"Then come by and drop us a line! We're located at 432 Tabris street."
Shinji decided it was about time to press the "end" button.
"Or, you can hang up and just wait for the phone to ring five seconds later. It's your call."
Before he could make up his mind about what to do about this mystery caller, Shinji had the great fortune of running into Toji while he was in an energetic mood – fortune, mostly because "energetic" for Toji basically meant he was saying hello while holding him in a strangle hold.
"So, you got the snot beat out of you yesterday?" Toji laughed.
"Let me go!" Shinji proclaimed.
After wrestling himself free, Shinji basically ran away in panic. Glancing back, he found that Toji was not following in pursuit. Glancing up, he also noticed that he had somehow reached the building on Tabris street.
"I had no idea this street even existed."
Nine hours prior, it hadn't.
"Oh well, might as well get this over with," Shinji reasoned. "I've got some time before school starts. I bet this is some prank anyway."
Shinji headed towards the aforementioned building, when suddenly he felt his entire left foot sink into a big pothole filled with muddy water.
"What the…? Hey!" Shinji hollered, shaking his wet shoe and pant leg. "What is this? Okay, God! You've proven your point! You just don't like me!"
Fumigating and annoyed, Shinji prodded into the building.
xxxxx
"You're looking for room seven," came a voice.
Shinji glanced away from the placard marked "Personnel – Rm. 7, Accounting – Rm. 7, Creative – Rm. 7, Destructive – Rm. 7," and glanced over at the gray haired janitor mopping the otherwise empty white room. "Yeah, I figured."
The gray haired boy pointed to Shinji's feet. "You know, I could even those up for you."
Laughing at the empty joke, Shinji blew it off. "How do I get to room seven?"
"That would be on the seventh floor," the boy said, pointing. "The stairs are right over there."
Shinji glanced at the elevator doors. "Couldn't I just take the elevator?"
"Out of order."
"Stairs it is," Shinji nodded, heading towards the stairs.
"You mind giving me a hand with this floor?" the boy asked.
Shinji looked oddly at him. "Are you serious?"
The gray haired boy nodded.
"Well," Shinji said, not liking being put on the spot. Gesturing towards the stairs, he shrugged. "I'm a little busy…how about a rain check?"
The gray haired boy pointed. "I'll hold you to it."
Shinji shrugged and prodded up the stairs. "I'm free on the seventh at seven!" he called back.
The gray haired boy smiled, returning to his work. "Seventh at seven it is."
After reaching a pretty much identical room from the last, Shinji let out a great sigh. "This looks promising."
Spotting a white ladder to match the blanche white of the entire building interior, Shinji stepped up to it, eying the ventilation shaft where it lead into.
"Um…hello?" Shinji called up. "I'm looking for whoever runs this place."
"Be right with you," came a familiar voice. "I'm trying to fix the light. Can you tell me if it's working?"
Suddenly, a brilliant light blasted Shinji in the face.
"Yep, seems to be. Kind of bright, though."
The gray haired boy stepped down the ladder. "Yeah…it is for most people." He reached the floor and stood facing Shinji. "They spend their lives in the dark…trying to hide from me."
Shinji blinked, recognizing him. "Hey…I thought you said the elevator was broken."
The gray haired boy smiled. "Yeah, but I'll get around to it."
He then clapped his hands, and the light went out.
"You installed the clapper?" Shinji asked, pointing up to the light.
"No," the janitor and electrician smiled. "But catchy jingle, isn't it?" He then broke into song and dance. "Clap on!" he clapped twice. "Clap off!" he clapped twice more. "Clap on, clap off! The clapper!" he clapped again three times, laughing. "Just can't get it out of my head."
Shinji blinked, deciding that it had been a mistake to come here. "Well, good luck with that. I'm going to go now."
The gray haired boy began unzipping his blue electrician's uniform. "Okay, but the boss will be right out…"
Shinji turned and saw the gray haired boy standing in an ice cream white suit.
"You must be Shinji," the boy said. "I've been expecting you."
Shinji blinked. "Oh…so, wait a second…you're the boss, the electrician and the janitor? Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though – one of you might need a ride home."
Kaworu chuckled. "Humor just isn't your thing, Shinji. You were always more into quietly doing your job because you knew it was what you had to do. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heavens at the end of the day."
Shinji stared blankly at him. "Alright, what is it? How do you know my father and how did you get my cell phone number?"
Kaworu smiled, taking Shinji by the shoulder. "Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Shinji. Just about everything there is to know. Everything you've ever said…or done…or thought about doing…is right there in that file cabinet."
Shinji looked to where Kaworu was pointing. "Wow, a whole drawer just for me. Mind if I take a look?"
Kaworu shrugged. "It's your life."
Shinji nodded, approaching the cabinet. "This ought to be good…"
Now, for a boy of fourteen, one would think there would be little to put in a file cabinet. But one who pilots Eva and lives such an angst filed life such as one that Shinji does can be larger than you'd expect.
What happened next was the drawer came literally crashing out of the cabinet, taking Shinji with it. It extended about ten meters, slamming Shinji quite neatly into the far wall.
Shinji cringed, his body being crushed by the steel cabinet. "Pain…"
"Now this last entry was a little disturbing," Kaworu mentioned, leafing through the files. "'Did I commit some horrid crime in a past life? What did I do to deserve this?'"
Shinji grunted in pain, trying to dislodge himself from between the drawer and the wall. "Hurt…bad…"
"'Are you just like everyone else who hates me? Why? Why? Why do you have it in for me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this!' 'If you even knew what it was to live my life, I bet you wouldn't be so cruel!"
"So…much…pain…" Shinji was on the verge of passing out from lack of oxygen.
Kaworu returned the file and slammed the cabinet, retracting it all into it, taking Shinji with it, slamming him hard into the cabinet.
"Now, I'm not one for blaspheming," Kaworu said, taking a seat at a white desk off to the side. "But that last one made me laugh."
Shinji unsteadily got to his feet. "Are you spying on me?" He arose and pointed an accusing finger at the boy. "Who are you?"
Kaworu shrugged his effeminate shoulders. "I am the one."
Shinji just blinked.
"Creator of the heavens and the earth, Alpha and Omega…"
Shinji just rolled his eyes. "Oh, I see where this is going…"
"Shinji," Kaworu held out his hands in that holier-than-thou way that only Kaworu could. "I'm God."
Shinji took a great heave. "Yep. Should have known it. Well, it was nice to meet you God. Thank you for the grand canyon and good luck with the apocalypse." Before turning to leave, Shinji glared. "Oh, and by the way…you suck!"
Kaworu just cocked his head.
"You know what would have been a little bit more impressive though?" Shinji sighed, gesturing to the cabinet. "If you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anyone with a brainstem can tell that that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side." Shinji stepped up to it, trying to pull it away from the wall. "All you have to do is…find the crease…right around here…"
Kaworu just sighed.
"There is a seam here," Shinji said, pressing against the wall. "Or a hollow spot."
With no less effort than one would use to move a computer mouse, Kaworu brushed the file cabinet away from the wall. "Where? Through the drywall and concrete?"
Shinji glanced at the cabinet and stared hard. "Okay, that is a good one…" he backed away from the wall. "Okay, um…" Shinji stuck his hands behind his back. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Now Shinji," Kaworu chided. "Thou shalt not tempt the lord."
"Well, if you can't do it…" Shinji shrugged.
"Three," Kaworu said plainly.
Shinji shifted fingers.
"Two."
And again.
"Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One."
Shinji brushed off his hands. "Okay…" returning them to his back. "How about now?"
"Seven."
Shinji quickly shifted to five.
"Aha!"
Suddenly, he noticed that he wasn't holding five fingers – he was holding seven.
On one hand.
"YAAAAH!" Shinji recoiled backwards.
"You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Shinji," Kaworu said, getting to his feet. "And quite frankly, I'm sick of it."
"Stop!" Shinji yelped, backing away. "When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal! I don't want to hurt you, but I just might out of instinct."
"The only times you've ever won a fight was in your Eva, and that was in berserker mode."
Shinji gaped, astonished. "…Yeah, but that angel was huge!"
"And the sun was in your eyes," Kaworu muttered. "Ah, the ego. Anyway, I brought you here to offer you a job."
Shinji blinked. "Job?
Kaworu nodded. "My job. You think all your problems are my doing, well here's your chance to see for yourself. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers. And when the week is up, we'll see which of us has it worst."
Shinji promptly decided that the boy he was facing was a lunatic. "Sure…whatever you say, pal."
Kaworu smiled as Shinji stepped out the door.
"Okay," Shinji sighed as he left the building and prodded onto school. "That did not happen…no one needs to hear about this…delete it off the program…"
Shinji continued to muse, even after he'd stepped on the puddle from before. He stopped, realizing that his foot had clung to the surface. He shook his head.
"No, no," he muttered, going on as if nothing had happened. "Normal, everyday psychotic illusion…" He continued down the street and impatiently tapped his foot at the crosswalk.
"Come on, you stupid light…come on" he bantered. "Turn green already!"
The light turned green.
"…That was lucky…"
xxxxx
Shinji diverted from the school building, deciding he needed a few more minutes to clear his head.
"Calm down, Shinji," he said in self-conversation. "You are not God, you do not have his powers. If that was God, then I'm Vash the Stampede."
Suddenly, a giant boomerang removed the top half of the building by his head.
"HOLY HELL!" he yelped, making a run for it. Acting before he could think, he turned and withdrew a modified Colt Peacemaker he hadn't known he'd been carrying. "This land is made of: LOVE AND PE – What the hell am I doing!"
He hid the gun in his shirt and dashed towards a small café. "I'm not Vash the Stampede, I'm Shinji Ikari! I'm Shinji…" he looked at the gun in his hand. It had turned into his cell phone. He stuck it into a nearby trashcan and entered the cafe. "...Ikari!"
Sitting at a booth table, he sat, catching his breath.
"Tea?"
Nearly jumping out of his skin, Shinji nodded at the waitress. "Oh, yes…please…"
"Would you like some miso soup?" the waitress asked. "I made it myself."
Shinji nodded. Anything to get some breathing room. "Yes, please."
Shinji sighed as she left. He rationalized the situation. If he were God, he should be able to do…this…
The teacup slid across the table into his hand.
Shinji gaped. So did the man at the bar.
He reached out again with his other hand, and the pot of tea slid across the table and into his hand.
Shinji gaped again. So did the man at the bar.
Slowly coming to grips with the situation, Shinji poured himself a cup.
"Here's your soup," the waitress arrived with a bowl.
"Oh, right," Shinji blinked, having completely forgotten about it. "Soup." He took the bowl in his hand. 'Umm…" Shinji blinked. "Excuse me, I need a spooo-ugh!"
A Japanese soupspoon slid from his throat.
"Never mind, I found one," Shinji said, cleaning the spoon off with his napkin and ladled the hot liquid.
The man at the bar got up and left.
Before taking a sip, Shinji set his spoon down and stared hard at the broth. This would have to be it. Glancing around the table, he placed his hands over the bowl and focused on the soup, willing it apart with his mind. A wind began to blow inside the café, as the liquid began to split, right down the middle.
Shinji stared, aghast. It was true! He really did have God's powers! He really was gifted with-
"Having fun?" Kaworu said from across the table.
"Whoa!" Shinji recoiled, losing his grip on the soup immediately. "Ye…thy…thou…"
"Come," Kaworu said, putting his mind at ease. "Take a closer walk with me."
xxxxx
A/N: Somehow, this didn't turn out as funny as I'd hoped. It's mostly a concept thing. Hopefully I'll be able to use other such anime references like Vash the Stampede later on.
This is also going to become a comedic romance, since Bruce Almighty had Jim Carey and Jennifer Anniston, I was wondering who to make into Shinji's love interest. I was honestly leaning towards Misato, since at the beginning of the movie, they have the most similar standpoint as Bruce and Grace.
Anyway, again, this is my first real attempt at an Evangelion comedy fic, so tell me what you think.