M!Surana/Leliana- Nothing to Fear
He had tried to forget. But Recliffe had brought everything back for him. The hurt, the betrayal. Lior Surana had been taught to fear himself for what he was most of his life. And, being a nervous individual by nature, that lesson sank in and clamped its jaws shut for a long time. His only true friends in the circle were Jowan and Cullen, and maybe the first enchanter. But Jowan was the friend he treasured the most.
But then what did Jowan do? He threw everything away- his life and sanity, all to run away with a Chantry initiate. He turned to blood magic, he left all the people who cared about him behind to suffer the consequences…
And then there he was, all this time later, in that cell in Redcliffe castle. Isolde trusted him to teach her son magic. And he betrayed her too. He poisoned Arl Eamon and caused a chain reaction that led to Connor getting possessed.
And after ALL of that? Before they left to grab the Circle's help, Jowan had the gall to compare Lior to him. The memory burned the hottest in his memory most of all.
He remembered how Jowan pulled him aside, how the two of them fought and argued. And then he remembered the words Jowan said to him.
"Maybe what I did was wrong to both of you," he said, "But, what would you have done if it had been you, Lior?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?," Lior argued back, finding his aggressive side much more easily than he had ever found it in his life.
"You're not the same person you once were, friend. You don't let your fear get in the way anymore. Tell me, if you loved someone and you wanted to be with them, how far would you go?"
He gave Jowan a little credit for his observational skills. The fear that was hammered in to Lior was no longer the looming monster that had held him back. Being rescued from Tranquility by Duncan, surviving the Joining, going through Ostagar and the chaos that befell the tower after he had left…
He was not the whimpering, cowering apprentice he once was. Though, maybe he still had his fears, and held them closer than others.
"I certainly wouldn't throw my life away."
"Hmmm…you seemed eager to throw your life away to protect that redhead that travels with you. I saw the way you were fighting down in the dungeons."
It was true. They were really outnumbered down there. And the redhead? He meant his companion, the bard who became a lay-sister, who followed a dream she believed came from the Maker himself. He meant Leliana…
"Leliana is my friend, and she was injured during the fight. I had to protect her," he justified himself.
"Perhaps. But you've never fought so fiercely before. You practically tore the whole place apart from where I was standing…"
Lior gritted his teeth.
"Even if you're not in love with her, she's special to you. Wouldn't you go to great lengths to…"
"Stuff it, Jowan! You yourself said I've changed! Stop trying to say you know a damn thing about me anymore."
Lior was seething from recalling the conversation. He remembered it was that point that he had stormed out on Jowan, and insisted everyone leave as soon as they could. He didn't want to spend another minute there. Not when he was like this.
Who did Jowan think he was!? The two of them had nothing in common anymore. And what the hell kind of answer did he expect from Lior?
The thing he didn't want to admit though, was that there was another thing Jowan was right about. Leliana WAS special to him. He couldn't put it into words yet, but she was someone the elven mage had come to treasure. She was a light of hope. She saw the good in people, she fought to protect others. Her belief in the Maker led her to make a difference for people, rather than shun them for being unworthy. She was full of stories…full of secrets…she had seen corners of the world, both light and dark, that he could only imagine. She saw him as the answer to all the darkness that threatened to swallow Ferelden. She believed in him. More than he could possibly deserve from someone.
She was indeed special.
"Lior?"
A familiar feminine voice broke his train of thought. Said Orlesian bard was sitting not too far away from him. Most of the group was already in their tents. It was just the two of them now, sitting next to the campfire. She had seen him glaring into the embers, becoming oblivious to the world around him. He saw that his expression had colored her own porcelain visage with concern.
"L-Leliana…"
The elf stammered, trying to hide the reddening of his tan face.
"You haven't said a word to anyone since we left Redcliffe. And now you're sitting here, staring off into the fire."
Lior frowned.
"I'm sorry. I know I need to focus on getting us all to the tower. Which means I should probably be getting some rest…But I can't really sleep. I'll take the first watch, if that's alright."
Leliana shifted closer to him.
"That's alright. Alistair and I were already talking about taking it. He's just getting ready," she assured him.
The fire flickered, causing bright flecks to dance across Lior's brown eyes and coal black hair. His expression was still serious, and his mind was still more focused on Jowan. But the sensation of their sudden physical closeness did distract him from this somewhat.
"Nobody blames you for being restless. Not after you told us about Jowan."
That's right, he thought. He had explained himself after they first encountered Jowan in the dungeons. He didn't give every detail, but an explanation was required. He told them of how Jowan was his friend and he had used blood magic to try and escape the Circle, leaving the people he supposedly cared about to their fate.
"That's what you are thinking about, is it not?"
Lior hesitated.
"Y-yes, it's hard for me not to."
"He was your friend and he betrayed your trust. Believe me when I say I understand."
She did? Leliana hadn't been quite so forthcoming of her own past at first. She was still so wrapped up in secrets. Especially when it came to her reasons for joining the Chantry.
"The betrayal of someone you hold dear cuts deeper than any blade. And the scars don't entirely heal."
"No, they don't," he bitterly replied.
The redhead leaned forward so their eyes were level.
"He tried to tell me that we were the same," he admitted.
He could have sworn Leliana's eyes widened for a moment. She suddenly averted her gaze. However, it seemed as though she forced herself to look back at him.
"Is that so?"
"He asked me how far I would go to protect the people I care about, to be with them. To keep them from being taken away from me."
He paused for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing.
"He used blood magic…BLOOD MAGIC. Not only is that dangerous and stupid…"
He stopped.
"…The woman he loved was someone who took her faith seriously. She was willing to forsake her vows to be with him. And then he did something that to her was so fundamentally horrid and evil…I would have refused to go with him, too."
He gritted his teeth.
"…And then he left."
He could never do something like that, Lior thought. He couldn't stand to see someone he care about be so betrayed, so violated. If he ever was driven to use blood magic…what would Leliana think of him?
"Lior…"
It took Leliana brushing her hand against his for him to realize that he was shaking.
"I'm sorry…it's just…what kind of friend…what person would claim to love you…and do something like that? And then he suggests I would do the same."
"You are not Jowan."
Lior and Leliana's gaze locked into each other's.
"Leliana…"
He restrained himself from sobbing. He didn't want to be falling apart like this. But he hadn't allowed himself to cry before. There was something he was still afraid of from his time in the circle, and that was to show weakness. How pathetic, he thought. And he was the most fearful mage in the tower. He couldn't hide that from anyone.
Maybe he wasn't as fearless as he thought he had become. But fear wasn't the only thing. He was angry, he was sorrowful, he felt crushed by the weight of his misfortune.
"You are not Jowan, Lior. You are a person who cares about other people first. Someone who would be concerned to how his actions affected others would not have done what he did."
"I try to…I want to help, I want to be of service. I want to make a difference instead of just adding to the world's problems."
"Mages are often told 'magic is to serve man, not rule over him', yes? I can't think of what you are doing to stop the blight as anything less than that. You are using your magic to stop the darkspawn from swallowing the world. Few have the chance to use magic in such a way."
"No…you're right," he choked.
"Do not be afraid," she assured him, "You are stronger than you give yourself credit."
Lior took a deep breath.
"I'm glad you think so…that means a lot coming from you," he smiled. He felt his emotions were starting to quiet down.
The two stayed up a little longer, talking quietly to one another. Leliana told stories and Lior listened, and occasionally offered comment. But his mind was no longer on Jowan. He was Lior. He was not the same. His tale would take a different path, one that hopefully led to a brighter future, and a happier end for all.