There was a commercial for Mass Effect 2 in which enemy mercenaries were flushed down a toilet by several of the game's protagonists. The ad ends with said protagonists asking where they (the flushed enemies) go.
This is where. They along with many others, impending crossover! Complete, utter crack. Not to be taken seriously! I do not own any of the characters, just the nutty plot, if you can call this a plot.
If this was the afterlife, it was boring. All everyone did was lounge around on clouds, eat from endless buffets (free), doodle on chalkboards or occasionally poke through the Heavenly File System.
Bellatrix Lestrange pouted on a cloud, her black hair cascading down her back. She hadn't meant to kill Sirius with that blast from her wand. Honestly. The Ministry of Magic simply did not follow safety rules—you don't leave random arches 'o death just laying around for people to walk into. At least put some caution tape up. She'd tried to explain this to him. Instead of listening to her, he'd stuffed his fingers in his ears and made for the nearest buffet line. That was all well-and-good, until he realized that he could either keep his fingers in his ears or pick up the delicious cheeseburger, but not both.
Bellatrix decided to find a new way to get her cousin's attention.
I. AM. KROGAN. Grunt charged along the line, toward its front. During the escape from the Collector Base, a big piece of the interior had crashed down on him. His vision had gone dark, and he'd woken up, well, here. A fluffy cloud shaped like a bunny drifted by lazily overhead.
"In spite of your impressive ability to yell, charge and consume an entire buffet table on your own, you still have to wait in line like everyone else!" said a voice. Grunt remembered that voice. It was popularly known as a narrator in old Earth vids. Shepard had shown a movie with this person, Free-something, literally playing a role as the humans' God (while doing a lot of narrating/monologuing).
"Well, this isn't the Normandy and there aren't any mass relays in sight" sighed Commander Sydney Shepard. "I guess we failed." The last thing she remembered was falling away from the Normandy-SR2 as it sped away from the Collector base. Joker just couldn't pull her up. Shaking her head, her long brown hair swished about. My hair would never be this long if I were still on the Normandy she thought.
"We certainly did, you deluded jackass" came Zaeed's voice. "I can't even tell any more stories about how I 'was the only one who survived that day,' because I didn't!" he finished.
"Even if we did fail" mused Tali, "there don't seem to be any Reapers here."
"How do you know?" cut in Jack. "Just 'cause everything's all fuc-"
Miranda cut her off. "Jack! Do watch your language around the children!"
As if on cue, a small child, barely able to walk from the looks of it, ambled up to the assembled crew. Possessing a mop of black hair, a strangely greyish complexion and a diaper emblazoned with the letter "V," the boy couldn't have been more than three.
"Filthy Mudbloods! Impure scum!" The voice was shockingly high-pitched and articulate, not fitting the form it was coming from in the slightest. It continued ranting, using increasingly foul words, for the next five minutes before ending with "All tremble before Lord Voldemort!"
"Wait, what?" Jack thought she'd seen everything, but the tortures of Cerberus had not prepared her for this level of ridiculousness. She walked slowly over to the child, if it could be called that. Bending over, she picked him up, looked him straight in the face, and said: "Look, kid, I don't know who you are, or where you came from." Her tirade was interrupted by notice of Miranda, whose face was about the same shade of pink as Phoenix armor. She was clearly trying not to burst out laughing. Jack continued "The only 'trembling' we're going to be doing is from laughing, so if you're going to try to act tough, find someone else to bother." Jack put the strange child down, only to hear a new sing-song voice.
"Did the big, bald scawwy lady pick on ickle Voldy?" Jack turned to face the stranger. "Voldy has been a vewwy baaaad boy! Making his Auntie Bella come chasing after him!"
Jack was becoming supremely irritated—not only was whatever this was (someone had said the afterlife) extremely dull due to a lack of anyone to shoot at, but it appeared to have its own share of crazies as well.
"Look, lady, I don't know if you've found the drug stash, but can you and your kid go somewhere else?"
Sirius stood by the buffet line. He wasn't going to put up with any more of his cousin's caterwauling, regardless of what she was going on about. Seeing that Bella was nowhere in sight, Sirius finally pulled his fingers out of his ears. Grabbing his cheeseburger, he made a beeline away from the general vicinity of where he had been, hoping Bellatrix would be unable to find him.
Chowing down on his burger, Sirius noticed something wet on his foot and leg. Looking down, some kind of animal was drooling all over his foot. With a long tongue hanging out of a mouth full of big teeth, the strange creature looked dangerous. However, it was behaving more like a big sloppy puppy as it rubbed its blue-and-brown head against Sirius's leg.
Tearing off a chunk of the burger he'd gotten whilst escaping from Bellatrix, he handed it to the creature. "Good, uh, boy" (he couldn't be sure exactly what it was, or even its gender). The strange quadruped consumed the offered food in one bite, shook its head (spraying Sirius with spit) and ambled off.
Voldemort's irritation at not being taken seriously only increased. First this bald woman dared to speak to him in a disrespectful way, and now Bellatrix employed that annoying sing-song voice she normally directed at her enemies, except she was talking to him! A blue-and-brown blur appeared out of nowhere, knocking Voldemort onto his back. A huge tongue appeared and applied itself liberally to his face. Unable to escape the licking attack, Voldemort sputtered angrily, but this only encouraged his "assailant."
He was rescued as Bellatrix pulled the animal away. "What in Merlin's name is this?" she demanded of no one in particular.
"It's a varren, dipshit" came the cutting reply. "They're used for fights."
"Well excuuuuuuuse me." Bellatrix rolled her eyes. Not only did this other woman wear virtually no clothing, but she also had an attitude. "It doesn't look like it's fighting, unless you count behavior similar to a puppy as 'aggressive.'"
"Oh brav-O! It's domesticated! And they say blondes are the dumb ones." Grunt took the opportunity to make his presence known. "Though this creature does not fight, it amuses me. Not all varren are used for killing."
Bellatrix suddenly had an idea. Conjuring a miniature bridle and saddle around the "varren," as it had been called, she plopped the infantile Voldemort onto its back. "Ikcle Voldy can ride the crazy horsey!"
Jack wandered off, muttering about "crazy drug-infused weird people." Miranda stood by thoughtfully, wondering what kind of entertainment would ensue as a result of this unexpected turn of events. Shepard and Tali couldn't help but to unleash a torrent of "Awwww!" as Voldemort trotted around on the back of the Normandy's varren mascot.
Bellatrix couldn't wait to subject Sirius to the same treatment Voldemort had experienced. She had no clue where he'd gone, but Urz was already hot on the case. Knowing only that the dark-haired human had some kind of awesome food, Urz made a beeline back toward where Sirius had been.
Kicking back and reading what looked like a Muggle science-fiction comic, Sirius was content. Though he'd figured he must be dead, at least the afterlife wasn't as horrible as many predictions (religious and otherwise) made it out to be.
"You call this a plot?" Sirius had read some seriously bad comics in his day, but this "Mass Effect: Redemption" was just awful. Tossing it aside, he looked up only to be confronted with the strangest sight ever: an infant riding on the back of a four-legged thing which resembled nothing he'd ever heard of.
The last thing he saw before his vision was blocked out by a huge tongue was Bellatrix, laughing as if this were the funniest thing to ever occur. She was actually laughing, not that cackle which sent shivers up most spines. Laughing, and pointing at his predicament. He became aware of a high-pitched voice emanating from the rider of the beast.
"I will dominate all! Tremble before the mighty Licking-Beast! You are helpless under its power!" Sirius burst out laughing himself, ending up with a mouthful of slobber. He felt a sharp pain as the animal removed itself from him by jumping.
His cousin's voice brought him back from his laughing fit. "Who would have thought Lord Voldemort would enjoy having a pet?"
"That's Voldemort? We're ALL dead?" Sirius had a hard time believing what he was hearing.
"Yep. There's some crazy bald woman who can't go two words without a cuss, some people who look like they stepped out of a Muggle science fiction costume convention, and endless food."
"So, a kid's dream, huh?" came his reply.
"Yep. I guess we can have the childhood we were never allowed." It was weird to hear Bella talking in a normal voice, and not threatening to kill someone. Whatever—if you're stuck for eternity you might as well get along.
"Oh look, a pool! Last one there's dragon dung!" Bella took off, Sirius hard-pressed to catch her.
Whatever this was, it promised to be a hell of an eternity.
*FIN*