Dean,
Where do I begin? I was there, at the beginning. When the first fish dragged itself out of the sea and onto the land, I was there. I watched the world turn and change with each passing millennium. My orders, all of the angels' orders, were to watch this fledgling race. Guide them, teach them, but above all, love them. At first I did not understand my orders even as I followed them. I have seen the wars, the plagues, the cruelty brought upon the Earth by humans. I have watched men slaughter each other over religion, money, love, hatred, and everything in between. And yet I loved the human race.
But I digress. I know you do not want to hear my history.
Dean, I'm sorry. For everything. After I raised you from perdition, I have been making mistake after mistake. I have trusted the wrong people, made the wrong choices, hurt the people I care about most. And I do care about you, Dean. You and Sam are the family that I do not deserve, and for a long time I did not know I had. When I looked down upon your bleeding face in the crypt, knowing I had done that to you caused a tightness in my chest which I believe was horror. Horror at what I had done, what I had become. I left because I did not trust myself, or you. Another mistake in the long chain I have forged. At first you were angry with me, for all the right reasons. You would have been justified in staying angry with me forever. But you did not. You forgave me. Thank you for that, Dean.
You may be the only family I have left now, you and Sam. I caused the angels to fall. My brothers and sisters all fell from Heaven, their home, because I trusted the wrong person. I was so blinded by hatred that I became blind to the truth. Now I have paid for my ignorance with my grace, with the lives of my brothers and sisters, and my persecution at their hands. Losing my grace has made me human. I feel hunger, pain, thirst, exhaustion, cold, rain, sickness, sunburn, everything I have never had to deal with. Every emotion is enhanced. Is this how you feel every day? Living as a human is as cruel a torture as any Crowley himself could have devised. But if you have made it this far, I will continue to try. I won't let you down again if I can help it.
I am making my way to you, though it will take some time to get there. I don't want to lead other angels to you, and I do not even know yet if you want me around. But I hope you do. That is what humans do, isn't it? They hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, a better future. You are my hope, just as you have been since the day I pulled your broken soul out of Hell. You have shown me many things. And not just the mundane things like pie, and women, and cartoons. Though those things mean very much to me as well. You and Sam have shown me friendship, compassion, bravery, and above all you have taught me to think for myself. Humans have always been gifted with free will, a gift you have shared with me. A gift I have squandered at times. For that, I am sorry.
But one thing I will never be sorry for is loving you. This not the romantic love of the pizza man. This is the love of a brother, a protector, of your guardian angel. When your mother used to tell you that angels were watching over you, she was right. I was watching over you, as I always have. I'm sorry, Dean, that I cannot do that anymore. I suppose that now, you will have to watch out for me.
Dean, I cannot do this alone anymore. You once told me you needed me. But what you didn't realize was this: I need you too, now more than ever. I am human. Who better to teach me to be human than you, the most human of all humans?
I hope you never see this letter, because if you do then I am sorry for the last time. I let you down. Again. But I hope I made you as proud in the end as you have made me. I hope you weren't disappointed in me anymore, and above all I hope you live well. Live your life, be happy, take care of Sam just like you always have. Eat a lot of pie, (You were right. It's delicious.) take care of the Impala, and carry on. And know that even now, I am watching over you.
~C