"Looks like there's a new wanted poster up."
John Egbert was the assistant sheriff of Veiltown, assistant to none other than the infamous Terezi Pyrope. Terezi had become a legend for ridding Veiltown of Jack Noir and his gang of ruffians, as well as the rival group of bandits known as the Felt. And it was rumored she'd had some supernatural help, being blind and all, but it only added to her infamy, and that was the way Terezi liked it. Terezi grinned her typical predatory grin as she and her assistant strolled down the near deserted street.
"Ja-ohn, that poster has been in the station for a week now," she said, chuckling as her cane tapped against the posts of the buildings they passed.
"Oh, really? I didn't notice," John said, grinning happily. One might think this was a bad thing for the sheriff's assistant to say. One would be wrong.
"How could you not notice? I mean, he's even pretty cute," Terezi said. "Way more than that Nic Gage character you like in all your silly novels."
"Hey, don't be putting down Con Land! It's like, the best novel ever!" John said, and Terezi laughed.
"Yeah, sure," she said, grinning. John smiled anyway, then looked up in thought.
"So… are we actually gonna catch this guy? What did he do?" he asked. Terezi continued to grin as she shrugged.
"I didn't taste a reason on the poster. And the guy's new in town, so I don't know much about him," she said.
"So you think it's just another one of Mayor Eridan's failed love attempts?" John asked, having a bit of a hard time keeping up with Terezi. For a blind girl, she was fast.
"Well, since he's a troll and cute, I'm gonna go with a yesss," Terezi said, grinning at a few shady characters as they passed by. The men quickly dispersed, hightailing it in different directions until they were out of Terezi's senses.
"You keep talking about how cute this guy is," John said as the pair turned into a lively saloon. It was owned by the pair's close friends, and they would often stop there for the free drinks it offered and general good atmosphere. "Are you, what's it called? Flushing for him or something?"
"Psh, like I would start flushing for some fake outlaw," Terezi said as John took a seat at the bar, waving to one of the owners, Rose, who smiled back and indicated she would be with him in a moment.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot, you're only into real outlaws; like the one chatting up my sister by the piano," John said, smiling.
"What?" Terezi said, frowning as she looked over her shoulder where her outlaw lover, Dave Strider, was indeed chatting up Egbert's half sister, Jade Harley. "Gog damn that Strider."
John laughed as he turned away, and something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head, then fully turned in his seat as he saw the guy on the wanted posters.
He was a troll that looked about Egbert's age, and he sat hunched over his drink. He seemed to be fuming over something, and was a bit lost in his own little world. But I gave John time to really look him over. He was a bit lean, but in a good way, with bright, intelligent (if brooding) eyes and the black clothes he wore seemed to suit him. And, John had to admit, he was pretty cute.
It was at that moment that the alleged outlaw seemed to feel John's gaze and looked over. They made eye contact, and John smirked a bit. Pretty cute wasn't as accurate as he thought; the kid was damn adorable, at least in John's opinion. The way those eye looked, guarded and angry, just made John want to get closer to the troll.
"Heheh," Terezi laughed over his shoulder, and John turned back to see her predatory grin back in place. "Now who's flushing for the fakey fake outlaw?"
"No way! I was just… taking his measure, that's all," John said, smiling a bit nervously. Terezi chuckled again, retrieving her cane from where she'd leaned it against the bar.
"Sure, sure," she said. "Just go talk to your little crush while I save your sister from a ruffian."
"Okay, I'll do that," John said, but not before watching Terezi stroll over and casually smack Dave between the legs with her cane, grinning as she apologized and Jade looked concerned and surprised. Then he turned to look at the "outlaw" again. He thought about what Terezi had said, then grinned. If he was flushing, then maybe he was flushing. He already knew Rose and Kanaya, the two female owners of the club, were in a loving relationship, so he guessed it didn't really matter for two guys, either; he had just thought he was of those men that flushed for girls, was all. But enough thinking, it was time for action.
"What, staring not enough for you now, fuckass? Gotta ruin my drink with your gog damn mouth, too?" the outlaw asked as John shifted a seat over to talk to him. John was taken aback a moment, but then smiled happily.
"I'm John, John Egbert, sheriff's assistant," he said, holding out his hand. The outlaw flinched a minute, then snorted and took a swig of his drink.
"And what stupid fuck hired a stupid fuck like you?" he asked, clearly of the belief that John did not know he was on the wanted posters around town. John just smiled, waiting. "What? I'm not going shake your damn hand, fuckass, so you can just piss off."
"Well, could you tell me your name? I mean, the posters only have a picture and all…" the outlaw choked on his drink at the mention of the wanted poster, then glared at John sidelong.
"Are you fucking serious? Do you just fucking chat up every sorry fucker that gets on the shitacular wanted poster, or are you just a fucking retard?" he asked. John laughed. It seemed to catch the outlaw off guard, and the troll just stared a minute.
"You're funny," John said. The outlaw's face colored a bit, and John was surprised to see his blush was red. He didn't know trolls had red blood; he would have to ask Terezi about it later. Right now, the outlaw seemed to be getting more angry with him.
"So what? You're just some stupid fuck they picked off the gog damn streets, aren't you? Just some dumbshit stupid mother fucker walking down the gog damn street before they asked if you wanted to be the gog damn fucking sheriff's assistant, and then you took the fucking job cause you thought you would be some fucking hero, right? Of course I'm fucking right, there's no other- FUCKING HELL!" the outlaw said the last bit as he was smacked upside the head with Terezi's cane. The sheriff had returned with her usual grin, Strider still sore right behind her.
"Heheh, hey fakey fake outlaw, that's my assistant you're talking to," she said, and John smiled at her as the outlaw rubbed his head.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!" the outlaw yelled, and flinched as Terezi swung the cane in his face again, though she was still grinning.
"She's the sheriff, numbnuts, and you best be buying whatever she's selling, cause if you don't she'll open some blind-ass cane whipping on your hairy ass," Strider said.
"Can it, Strider, I'm not done with you yet," Terezi said, not moving a muscle. "I'm the sheriff, Terezi Pyrope, and if I think there's any justice to be had by locking your ass in jail, I will; so I suggest treating my assistant with respect."
"Wha- YOU'RE TEREZI PYROPE? You gotta be shitting me…" the outlaw said. Then Terezi smacked him upside the head with her cane again. "OW, FUCK!"
"It's the stone cold truth, son; and you best start believing it before it get shoved down your-" but Dave was cut off as Terezi pulled him down to land a kiss right on his lips. Then she pushed him back.
"I told you to can it, Strider. Now it'll cost you; go wait for me upstairs," she said, grinning maniacally. Strider snorted, regaining his composure and poker face in a matter of milliseconds before turning and striding off towards the stairs in the back; Terezi, John and Jade all lived upstairs with Rose and Kanaya in separate apartments, and Dave was often found in Terezi's room, although he lived outside of town.
"What? You're going to leave me on duty alone?" John asked, smiling despite his words. Terezi grinned back.
"I thought you might appreciate it," she said, a suggestive undertone making John laugh a bit and the outlaw glare. "Just come get me if this sad sack gives you too much trouble, eh?"
"Will do," John said, and waved as Terezi followed after Strider's path, hitting anyone in her way (although she knew they were there, she just found hitting them fun).
"Karkat Vantas," the outlaw said.
"What?" John asked, returning to the conversation.
"My name, fuckass," the troll said. "It's Karkat Vantas."
"Nice to meet you, Karkat," John said, grinning. Karkat sighed irritably. Then Rose appeared, with two more drinks, setting one before each man.
"Hey John, how's the ruffian round up coming along?" Rose asked, John smiled, taking a swig of his drink before answering.
"Not that many ruffians to be rounded up tonight, I'm afraid," he said, and Rose laughed a little, leaning on the bar.
"What about this shady character? He has the air of a proper ruffian to me," Rose said. Karkat glared, seeming to try and ignore them as John laughed.
"How can you be a proper ruffian?" he asked, and Rose looked very serious.
"If you wear a monocle and drink tea while robbing people," she said, and John started laughing again. Rose smiled a little and Karkat made a strangled noise.
"Jegus that is so fucktarded!" he snarled.
"Kind of like your stumpy little horns," Rose countered, leaning up again. John laughed a little.
"I think they're cute," John said, smiling at Karkat. The troll gaped a minute, then seemed to angrily blush as he buried himself in his next drink. Rose rolled her eyes.
"Geez, Egbert, why don't you just take him up to your room now and save all the obvious foreplay?' Rose said, making Karkat choke on his drink again.
"Aw, but I'm not going to take someone I don't know to my room," John said, pouting a little. Karkat was still recovering from the choking and didn't get to respond before Rose.
"Well, Sollux brought the guy in, so he's probably okay," Rose said, then someone started making a ruckus at the other end of the bar and she left. Sollux was the saloon's piano player, another upstairs resident that John was friends with. In fact, John was friends with nearly everybody, so it wasn't actually a surprise. John smiled, returning his attention to Karkat.
"Oh, so you know Sollux?" he asked. Karkat glared, looking like he just wanted Egbert to go away and leave him in peace.
"Yeah, he and I grew up together," Karkat said, glaring. "Now are we done with these fucktarded questions?"
"Not really," John said, but before he could say more he was suddenly pulled to his feet.
"Come dance, Egburrrt; the music is purrrfect!" Neputa said, twirling John on to the dance florr. John laughed and joined her, moving around and dancing until he got out of breath and let her return to dancing around Equis as he took a breather.
"I thaw you talking to Karkat," Sollux said. John jumped, he hadn't realized he was resting against the piano. John grinned, straitening a bit.
"Yeah, he's pretty funny," John said, face still flushed from dancing. At least, he assumed it was from dancing. Sollux nodded his head a little, smiling.
"You would thay that," he said. "Lithten, I'll going to tell you a thecrete."
"Yeah?" John said, leaning in closer.
"When you were danthing with Neputa, Karkat couldn't keep hith eyeth off you," Sollux said. "I've known Karkat thinth we were kidth; he won't make the firtht move… or the latht one, for that matter. Jutht make him follow your lead."
"Am I really that obvious?" John asked, though he was smiling ear to ear.
"Hoplethly tho," Sollux said, grinning as he reached a rather bouncy bit of the song he was playing. John grinned, then tipped his hat to Sollux before returning to his seat beside Karkat.
"Oh fucking great, you just don't give the fuck up, do you?" the troll said, glaring outright. John grinned.
"Nope," he said, and Karkat blushed again, though he tried to hide it by turning away. And John, being the affable and somewhat clueless person he was, suddenly wrapped an arm around Karkat's shoulders and leaned in next to his ear. "You're cute when you blush."
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Egbert?" Karkat said, glaring but not quite pulling away.
"Hey! You remembered my name!" John said, smiling as he gave Karkat's shoulders an affectionate squeeze.
"What the fuck! Will you answer my gog damn question?" Karkat said, and now he was pulling away, though John could still hold him in place pretty well.
"I like you," John said, and Karkat stopped struggling.
"You don't fucking know me," Karkat said.
"But I want to," John said, his breath still brushing against the trolls sensitive ear. John felt Karkat shiver, and managed to slide just a bit closer without falling off his seat.
"We're in the middle of a fucking saloon, Egbert; try to fucking act like you give a fuck," Karkat said, trying to pull away again.
"Well, I have a room upstairs," he said, looking towards the stairs. Karkat sighed in frustration.
"That wasn't what I fucking- oh gog damn it FINE! FUCKING FINE!" the troll said. John blinked in surprise.
"Really?" he asked, making Karkat glare.
"Yeah, fucking really; now are we fucking going to your shitty room or what?" he said. John didn't need told a third time, and was up dragging Karkat halfway across the room before the troll had finished speaking.
They made it up the stairs and into the apartment John shared with Jade without incident. The music wasn't half as loud here, and Karkat looked around apprehensively as John pulled him through to his room.
"You live with someone?" Karkat asked, spying the door to the other room.
"Uh huh, my sister," he said. Before Karkat could make a response, John pulled him forward by the hand, making the troll almost fall. But Karkat caught his balance as John kissed him full on the mouth, one hand cupping Karkat's cheek. Karkat made a surprised squeak at first, but then his eyes slid closed and he pushed his lips back against John's. After a few moments they pulled away.
"Fuck you meant that shit, didn't you?" Karkat said, blushing as he tried to steady his panting. In response John smiled and pushed Karkat on to the bed, easily climbing on top of the troll. "What do you think you're – OH FUCK!"
John used one hand to cup the side of Karkat's face as he licked one of his horns. The troll reacted by gripping John's arms, above the elbow, whimpering as John continued to lick and kiss the nubby horn. The troll started to writhe a bit beneath John, and the human slowly let his unused hand travel down Karkat's side. But once John's hand reached Karkat's hip, the sheriff's assistant found himself flipped beneath the troll, his hat flopping to the ground.
"Let me make this clear; this is NO FUCKING WAY I'm going to get fucked by some fuckass nooksucker I barely know, got it?" Karkat said. John laughed, pushing up to kiss Karkat, making the troll flinch in surprise.
"Whatever you want, Karkat," John said as he lay back. Karkat blushed, staring down at him a minute, then sighed and grumbled something before he leaned down and kissed John; it was soft and almost savory, and John returned the kiss with enthusiasm. And when Karkat ran his tongue across John's lips, the human was more than happy to oblige him, letting Karkat set the pace. After some minutes of tongue wrestling, Karkat pulled back. He looked down at John a couple minutes, then lay down against his side, lips almost touching John's neck.
"I'm fucking worn out," he said, and it showed in his voice. John wondered how long the troll's day had been, and wrapped an arm around his waist.
"Okay," the human said, smiling up at his ceiling. Karkat was already asleep, of course, and John was aware of this, he just felt it pertinent to acknowledge that Karkat had said something. After a while, John felt himself drifting off, just laying there, quiet enough to hear the music playing faintly in the background. John found himself tuning into Karkat's breathing; he let the slow, steady rhythm lull him to sleep, still grinning like a fool.
===== Be Karkat
Okay, you are Karkat Vantas. You came to some nooksucking backwoods town yesterday because your self named best friend Sollux said it would be a good place to lay low. Lay from what, you ask? Well, you wouldn't be laying fucking low if you were spreading your fucking business everywhere, now would you? That's fucking right, you wouldn't.
Now, you got to this shithole on the main coach; fucking thing didn't even stop, and you had to fucking jump off it. If that wasn't shitacular enough, the fuckass Mayor had seen it and after laughing his fuking ass off tried to hit on you. And when you turned the nooksucker down, he went and put you on the fucking wanted poster!
But then you had met up with your fucking late best friend, and he said not to worry about it; that it happened all the time. But you were having a fucking bad day by then, so you decided to drown your sorrows in some shitty drinks then sleep it off. But then the fucking sheriff's assistant, if the fuckass even really was the sheriff's assistant, started hitting you, too. You knew you were fucking amazing, but shit, you didn't think you'd be attracting so much fucking attention. You were trying to lay low, for fuck's sake!
But… despite his total fucktardedness, the sheriff's assistant, whatever the fuck his name was, Egbert, you think; well, despite his utter fucktardedness, you guessed that maybe he wasn't a total fuck up nooksucker. He still was one, of course, just not a complete one. Annoying as hell, and jegus fuck he needed to learn to take a fucking hint, but… well, shit happened, and you somehow ended up in his fucking room on top of him. You're not sure how the fuck that happened, but you guessed it wasn't so bad. Like, it could be a good way to lay low, you know? Yeah, that was why you fucking went to his room. It was your fucking plan all along; it had nothing to do with shiny blue eyes or cute buckteeth or… oh fuck, you mean, uh… well, you can't fucking help if your brain decides to go all fuktarded all of a sudden. It just happens.
…fuck.
==== Be the narrator chick
Awesome, back to me. Now, back to where we left off…
Karkat groaned as he woke up, rubbing the sleep out one of his eyes as he pushed off the bed. There was a window to the street outside, and the sounds of the town filtered in with the light. John had already left the room, and glared around the small, simple room. He wasn't all that surprised; of course he would be left behind, there was no way that…
Karkat's thoughts were arrested by the smell of something delicious wafting through the air. Finding himself completely starved (as he hadn't really eaten yesterday), the troll let his nose take him out of the room and back into the apartment.
"Oh! Good morning, Karkat!" John said, grinning over the pan he was flipping. The sheriff's assistant already had a nice stack going, and Jade was busy taking plates of flapjacks and toting them downstairs. She gave Karkat a shy smile, which Karkat returned with a sneer. Jade then stuck her tongue out at the troll before disappearing into the hallway.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Karkat asked, leaning his back against the wall. John was humming as he worked.
"Well, being sheriff's assistant is cool and all, but it doesn't really pay a lot, so Rose and Kanaya asked me to make breakfast and help out so Jade and I can stay here," he said, adding another flapjack to a plate on the counter next to him. Then he put out the cooking fire, setting his frying pan down.
"What? Can you even cook?" Karkat asked. John made a face, scratching the back of his neck.
"Yeah, my dad made me learn how, so I'm not too bad, I guess," he said. Then he smiled, picking up the plate and heading out the door. "You're welcome to join us."
"Us?" Karkat asked, following all the same.
"The staff of the saloon," John said. "Oh, and Terezi and Dave. But the more the merrier, right?"
"Depends on you the fucking more is," Karkat said as he and John reached the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey KK; thleep well?" Karkat turned to glare at Sollux, who grinned a tad suggestively.
"Can it, fuckass," Karkat said, breaking to stand next to the bi-speckled troll as John added his plate to the rather long line of plates full of flapjacks across the bar.
"What? You're the one that went to hith room," Sollux countered, offering Karkat a flapjack of his personal plate. Karkat snatched one, making Sollux roll his eyes behind his glasses before beginning on one himself.
"Yeah, well, it's just because it'll fucking help me lay low; that's it," he said, tearing a bite out of the flapjack he "stole". Karkat stopped mid-scarf; he couldn't believe it, the thing actually tasted pretty fucking amazing. Not that he was going to tell the nooksucking sheriff's assistant that, but…
"Yeah, thure it ith…" Sollux rolled his eyes again, mentally laughing at his friend's reaction to the flapjack.
"What do you sure it-" Karkat rose to the paranoid (though nonetheless true) assumption that Sollux didn't believe his totally true reasoning behind going to Joh- Egbert's room last night, when he was interrupted by the devil himself.
"Hey Karkat! So, do you like 'em?" John asked, tackled hugging the trolls from behind.
"The FUCK! Off!" Karkat said, pushing the over enthusiastic human away, though it did nothing to deter the bright, bucktoothed grin. "…they're okay."
"Awesome! Have as many as you like! Well, I have to get to patrolling with Terezi now, but I'll see you later! Bye!" and with one more surprise hug and a nod to a highly amused Sollux, the bouncey sheriff's assistant was off, trailing after his blind troll boss. Karkat stood in shock, a blush coloring from one ear tip across his face to the other.
"Not a word, Captor; not ONE. FUCKING. WORD," Karkat said.
"Whatever you thay, KK," Sollux said, offering his friend another flapjack.
"Heheh, so how did it go last night? Get your matesprite to be in bed yet?" Terezi asked. John blinked in the brightening sunlight, grinning.
"Not yet, but I don't mind," John said. Terezi laughed.
"You are a strange one, Egbert," she said. Then she frowned. "Aw, fuck. Here comes the great and mighty Mayor."
"Don't sea-m so enthusiastic," Eridan said as he approached them, his secretary Feferi on his heel.
"What can we do for you today, Mayor Eridan?" John asked, feeling a little sheepish. This was probably going to be about Karkat….
"Well, first you can let the outlaw off the hook; we hawe bigger fish to fry," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Oh, really?" John asked, trying not to sound as happy as he felt. Terezi felt herself grin; it sounded like an actual challenge was headed her way.
"Yes, reel-ly, or I wouldn't glubbing say it," Eridan said, glaring.
"Oh, don't be mad; not when this is just so glubbing -EXCITING! A real bandit! Glub!" Feferi said, twirling around. Terezi leaned on her cane, grinning her full predatory grin.
"A real bandit, you say?' she asked, looking through Eridan. The Mayor sighed.
"Yes, and she's a reel grain in the gills glub. Her name is Wriska Serket; she runs a drug cartail; it seem she's looking to sink her hooks into Veiltown," he said.
"Oh, wow! How do you know?" John asked, clearly excited for a real case.
"One of her front runners showed up last night; which you would hawe known had you been doing your glubbing jobs," Eridan said, growling a bit at the end. Terezi laughed, tapping Eridan's shoulder with her cane.
"Heheh, come off it, Eri, not like you're going to fire us," she said. Eridan sneered, pushing Terezi's cane off his shoulder.
"Yeah, well…" Eridan tried, then finally just sighed. "Just reel in the glubbing corel-iminal."
"Heheh, that one was a bit of a stretch, even for you," Terezi said. "But rest assured; justice will prevail!"
"Well, I'll leawe you to it, then," Eridan said, and he and Feferi went on their way, Feferi dancing around the as per usual grumpy Mayor.
"So, are we on an actual case now?" John asked. Terezi grinned maniacally.
"Yess; it's finally time to do some real sheriff work," she said, and John grinned as the duo went in search of Vriska Serket's frontrunner.
"Tho, nothing happened?" Sollux asked. He was playing the piano softly, there was no one dancing this early.
"Are you fucking deaf or something? Yes, nothing fucking happened," Karkat said, leaning against the piano.
"Thorry, I'm jutht thurprithed. He didn't even kith you or anything?" Sollux pressed. Karkat could feel the heat rising in his face, and Sollux smiled.
"You know what, fuckass? This is none of your fucking business, anyway. Conversation the fuck over," Karkat said.
"If you thay tho, KK," Sollux said, still smiling. The silence stretched between them, Karkat fuming with his arms crossed. Then the standing troll turned.
"Okay, fine, he fucking kissed me! And he did a fucking poor job at it, too! Like, seriously, I didn't know someone could even be that shitacular at kissing, it's probably because of those dumbshit buckteeth, I guess. But that's all I'm fucking saying, that's it, got it, fuckass?" Karkat said, then crossed his arms again, looking away as Sollux chuckled.
"Of courthe, KK," he said. The silence wasn't as long this time.
"Okay, maybe he wasn't a total dipshit at kissing, but it was still fucking shit, like, major fucking shit, got it? He's still a derpy little nooksucker, who can't even do fucking foreplay right. I mean, fuck, when you fucking push someone on your fucking bed, you shouldn't be so shitty that you can't make it go any fucking further, right? I mean, jegus fucking Christ, how fucktardedly bad can you be at fucking fucking that you can't even fucking keep going? Oh, fuck… you, uh, didn't hear that, okay?"
"… he puthed you on the bed?" Sollux asked. Though surprised, he had somehow managed to keep playing.
"No, I said you didn't-aw, fuck, to hell with it; yeah, he pushed me on the fucking bed, alright?" Karkat said. Sollux's playing hit a bad chord before he suddenly broke down laughing. "What? What the fuck, Captor? What are you fucking laughing at? Shut up, fuckass, there's nothing to fucking laugh about here!"
"Thorry, KK, ith jutht…" but Sollux couldn't finish, and Karkat felt the heat rise in his face as he got angry.
"Whoa, what shit's all going down over here?" Dave Strider said, strolling over. But, not like he was purposely walking over, he just happened to be going that way, ironically to where the piano was. Sollux seemed to get a hold of himself, and glared at the shade eyed bandit.
"Fuck off, Thrider," Sollux said.
"Hey, I'm flattered you think of me that way and all, man, but I only do that shit with Terezi; well, you know, unless I'm feeling all tied down and shit," Dave said, tipping his hat up as he leaned against the wall, acting like he was interested. Ironically, because there was no way someone cool as Dave Strider would be interested in a conversation between his kismesis and some random troll he didn't know.
"Yeth, Thrider, I know," Sollux said flatly, still glaring. "Cauthe then you find me, fuckath."
"Not my fault if you always seem to be around; like some dog sniffing around, looking for a lost bone, or boner, I guess," Dave said, looking passive as a stone wall, cause cool kids didn't give up the way they felt. It wasn't cool to be all gushy; well, maybe if you were Egderp it was okay, but that kid just made it cool to be uncool and dorky. Cuase he was all true to himself and shit, you know?
"Fuckath," Sollux said, starting to play again. Karkat snorted.
"And who the fuck are you?" he asked.
"Psh, you don't already know? Shit man, I feel insulted. Maybe I won't tell you who the fuck I am, with you getting all fucking up in my business, like a fucking fag up a boner, all up in there far as you can go man. No, fuck that shit, no way I'm gonna talk with someone so desperate to know me if they can't do their research all proper and shit. I'm fucking out of here; but like, not because I'm mad or anything; I'm just making an ironic exit, you know? Cause you think I would be all mad and shit, except I'm not, I just planned on leaving all along, cause I never really cared about this shit to begin with, it all just some big ironic shit stand, man, and now it's gonna end, ironically," Dave said, starting to walk away, a confused Karkat in his wake. Before he got far, Sollux sighed.
"Egbert ith trying to bang him," he said, making Dave pause.
"What the fuck, Captor?" Karkat yelled, rounding on him. But then he jumped back, Dave having gotten close to examine the troll's face.
"Oh, no shit, man? Egderp's all tripping over some desperate fag? Well, I guess it makes sense, since it's Egderp and all, but shit, man, I thought he was always saying how he wasn't a homosexual and all that," Dave said. Sollux shrugged.
"I gueth he wath wrong," Sollux said. Karkat growled.
"Who the fuck are you?" Karkat asked, pointing accusingly at Dave. Dave put up his hands, but stayed unphased.
"Whoa, cool your shit, man. I guess if you're really all desperate like that I can tell you, since you want to know so bad," Dave said.
"You know what, nevermind. I don't fucking care who some nooksucking prick like you is, so just fuck off," Karkat said, making Sollux laugh. Dave wrapped an ironic arm around Karkat's shoulders, ironic because he, of course, felt no friendship with the troll, but was acting like he did, ironically.
"Well, if you're all after Egderp's bone bulge or boner of whatever, you want to know me, since I'm only like, his best fucking bro and all," Dave said. Karkat tried to peel himself away in vain before finally sighing in exasperation.
"Fine! The just tell me who the fuck you are, fuckass!" Karkat said. Dave backed away, holding up his hands, ironically.
"Alright, I mean, if you're gonna be all up in my shit, I guess I can tell you who I am," he said, then held out a hand. "Dave Strider, outlaw."
"Yeah fucking right; a nooksucker like you couldn't even hope to be a fucking outlaw; in fact, you couldn't even be a gog damn decent fucking ruffian. Jegus, I take that back. You're so awful to look at, you probably could be an outlaw. People give you all their fucking money just so they don't have to see your fucking face and deal with your fucking shit," Karkat said.
"Hey, watch it, KK," Sollux said. Karkat raised a brow, then smacked his forehead.
"Oh fuck, he's your gog damn fucking kismesis, isn't he? Well, don't fucking worry, Captor, all hate I feel here is fucking platonic, okay?" Karkat said.
"Well, I've been hanging around here too long; need to get away before your faggory rubs off on me. Later," Dave said, making his real exit. Karkat and Sollux didn't say anything for a while.
"Hey, Sollux, we're still friends, right?" Karkat asked. Sollux sighed, but then smiled a bit.
"Yeth, KK, we're thtill friendth," he said.
===== Be Virska's frontrunner
You are Gamzee Makara. Oh, whoops, you weren't supposed to motherfucking be saying that shit all up everywhere, but looked like it was too late now. You're a motherfucking frontrunner for one of your best pals, Vriska, even though her spider shit could be pretty creepy sometimes. But it was all cool, man, cause you were motherfucking best friends, and Vriska always had a motherfucking good pie for you, like a motherfucking miracle or something.
No, wait, that wasn't right. Oh, yeah, it wasn't that you and Vriska were motherfucking best friends; shit, how could you even think that shit? Must have had too many pies… even though they were still motherfucking miracles, man. Shit, you were getting all off topic now. Oh, yeah, Vriska had your mother fucking gorgeous matesprite, Tavros Nitram, all bitchin' kidnapped and shit, and you were working for her to motherfucking keep him safe and shit.
So now you were all bitchin' up in this shit, looking through this town and shit… except you weren't really looking, you were just kind of sitting in the street, cause shit man, the sun was like a motherfucking miracle, all bright and bitchin ' and shit. Motherfucking miracle, and all you had to do was look up. Shit man, it was all spiritual and shit, just looking up at the motherfucking sun in the middle of the motherfucking street. Shit man. And every time you looked up, it was still all shining and shit. Just a motherfucking miracle, man.
===== Be the narrator chick
John and Terezi stood in the street, watching as the alleged frontrunner was just staring at the sun, looking more like a user than a dealer.
"Uhm… are you sure he's the frontrunner?" John asked. Terezi grinned.
"Yess, completely sure," Terezi said. "Don't be deceived by the way he looked, Ja-ohn."
"Alright, if you say so," John said, smiling again. And then the two prepared to question Vriska's frontrunner.