She was so incredibly formal that day, sitting in my office, barely touching the coffee I had brought back for her. The small talk. Questions about Gigi and my girlfriend, Lara. All of it sounded forced. Though I hadn't much to do with Rory, for reasons no matter how hard I tried I could never justify, I knew my daughter well enough to know there was something going on in that head, something big.
That Buffy reference when I asked how she was doing was the final straw.
"Something going on in that head of yours, kiddo?" I asked.
She muttered something in coherent about "stuff", before dropping the gutrenching bombshell. "Mom and Luke are getting married." I swallowed hard, struggling to maintain composure, but inside I felt like the wound I thought was almost healed had just busted open. "Did she tell you?" There was a tone in her voice I hadn't heard since it all ended between her mother and I. I felt sure she was fishing for a reaction.
That was a time I didn't want to revisit, not then, in that moment with my daughter, who's visit was such a rarity these days that I knew something serious was on her mind. "I'm not real good at keeping up with emails so… maybe." Even in my own head that sounded lame.
"Well it's a town thing," Rory said, matter of factly, "And I thought you should know". For a moment I wondered if she was extending an invitation, and I was already searching my head for excuse that wouldn't sound quite so lame as the email thing, until she reached the crux of her revelation, "but I'm kind of hoping you won't…"
"Show up?" I finished. "I won't." I wasn't sure if I was hurt or relieved. "Knowing when to admit defeat is one of my better qualities." All I knew was lame excuses were not needed. I had blown my chances with Lorelai years ago, repeatedly. Still there was that more than niggling pain in my chest, like things were not quite finished, there, and watching Lorelai marry that weird diner-guy was not something in which I was ready to partake. I wasn't ready to lay my feelings to rest, but I felt the window of opportunity was never fully closed. "You're the man I want to want!" Lorelai had sobbed the day we ended it. I'd delayed to signing of the papers dissolving our marriage, believing that time was the answer. Lorelai just needed time but how much time, nine years? How long would she endure with Luke until she woke up and realised Luke was not the right man for. He was never right for her and I swore to this day that when she figured out she deserved better, I would be waiting for her to choose me. Was the window finally closing? Had I waited too long?
"I wish her all the happiness in the world." I smiled in a poor attempt to show Rory that I was okay with things and that I would not be rattled.
After that, the conversation plunged deeper into a darker weirder place that had me again thinking that Rory was not okay. My daughter was poker faced but I knew she was struggling just as much as I at keeping it. Talking about switching gears from her dream career to writing a tell all memoir about her life growing up with Lorelai.
"Do I appear in a cloud of sulphur?" I joked. "Don't make me out to be too much of a villain, okay? I may have my faults but I loved her, and you" I added. It was then the questions started about my absence in her childhood, and my feelings about that. As much as it hurt me to admit it, I told her it was exactly what was meant to happen and that Lorelai would back me up on that, a lie I knew because I knew the door to Rory had always been open, but my stupid pride had been the thing that stopped me from walking through it until she was sixteen and practically raised and clearly doing ok without me around, and now the woman sitting before me looking every bit like her mother had turned out okay, right?
"Yeah, I guess she would" Rory had said. The Poker face was cracking and I immediately regretted my harsh response.
"You know I love you right?" I half asked.
"Yeah I know," she had mumbled, before I feigned an urgent work call to break the awkward silenced that ensued.
Promptly she left and I sat, phone in hand, with no intention of using it, just staring into space.