Yeah, so I seriously don't know where this came from. It's possibly too weird for words. Hopefully this won't break anyone's brain like it did poor Hawkeye's.

Enjoy?

- Illusinia

Tony smirked as he strolled into the room, hands pressed into his pockets as he whistled. "So, I had a very productive morning."

From the table behind where Steve, Clint, and Thor were eating at the counter, Pepper shook her head. "I'll believe it when I see it Tony."

"What? I did!" exclaimed Tony with a minor pout. "I managed to get all of Coulson's stupid little forms done and I got that S.H.I.E.L.D. contract I've been meaning to complete done. What else do you want?"

"Peace and quiet?" suggested Clint with a smirk.

"A lack of inappropriate remarks towards the women we work with?" tried Steve hopefully.

Thor glanced at his brothers and shrugged. "I see nothing wrong with the way brother Tony acts."

"Thank you Thor!"

"Though he could perhaps attempt to not ramble as my brother was wont to do when we were younger and he found a tome particularly interesting," mused Thor.

Tony groaned. "Wow, from complemented to being compared to a sociopath. That was low big guy."

The sound of a chair scrapping against the floor drew everyone's attention to Pepper, who was gathering her work together and storing it in the profile she carried. Her motions were meticulous and calm, as always with no indication of what she was doing. She never looked at the others or spoke up as she packed.

When she turned towards the door, Tony was standing in front of her. "Where are you going Pep? I thought we'd grab lunch."

Pepper shook her head and calmly stepped around Tony. "Sorry Tony, I have a standing lunch appointment to keep. I'll see you boys later, don't destroy the mansion while I'm gone." Without giving Tony time to object, she was out the door and heading towards the garage.

For several moments, the men just listened to the click of her heels before the sound disappeared behind the closing of a door. Tony stood in the room, eyes narrowed in a thoughtful face that made everyone else want to bolt. Clint was halfway out of his seat when Tony grabbed him.

"Where do you think you're going, Archer boy?" asked Tony without taking his eyes off the doorway.

"Uh, I have something do to," replied Clint. The response sounded like a lie.

Tony tsked at him. "Like what?"

"Like lunch with my girlfriend?" tried Clint uneasily.

"Bullshit. Clearly you need lessons from Loki," reprimanded Tony lightly. "That's the worst lie I ever heard."

Clint growled a little and shrugged Tony's hand off. "Its the truth. The girl I've been dating for close to two years is in town and I'm supposed to have lunch with her and her family."

"Sure Barton," chuckled Tony. "So where has this mysterious, never-before-mentioned girlfriend been for the last six months?"

The blush that covered Clint's cheeks was real. Apparently, the man could act. "She's been working. In another state."

Tony shook his head. "Still not buying it Barton, which means you get to join the rest of us in following Pep to this 'standing lunch appointment'."

Clint rolled his eyes, arms crossing in front of his chest as he turned to look at Tony. "Really Stark? Why don't you just man up and ask her out already."

"Clint's right Tony," cut in Steve. "Following her during lunch isn't exactly the sign of a healthy relationship."

Thor nodded sagely beside the super-soldier. "Brother Steve is right. If you seek to court Lady Potts, you must vocally and publicly display your affection and intentions so others might be warned off!"

Tony grinned as he turned to Thor. "That's exactly what I'm going to do big guy, make sure whoever she's meeting with knows she's off limits."

Steve groaned and thumped his head on the table. "Tony, to do that you have to have told Pepper that you want to date her. Which would mean asking her on a date."

"Like a normal person," added Clint as he pulled away from Tony and started to make a break for the door.

However, Tony grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back. "Stop whining Hawkeye, you don't have anything better to do anyway."

Clint groaned and muttered something about being dead but Tony ignored him in favor of addressing Thor and Steve. "Alright! Avengers assemble and follow that CEO!"

"If I never get laid again, I'm blaming you Stark," growled Clint as Tony dragged them down the street.

Tony rolled his eyes. "If that happens Barton, I'll buy you an engagement ring."

Steve choked a little. "How does that make any sense?"

"Simple," explained Tony. "If Barton is talking about never getting laid again, clearly he's planning to marry this girl and any ring I buy for him to give her will top whatever he can manage."

"Thanks Stark," grumbled Clint. "Way to make a guy feel better. Tell you what, if you agree to take the beating that she's bound to hand me for standing her up I'll forgive you."

"Just blame it on Tony," sighed Steve as he watched Tony peer over a bush into the restaurant Pepper had just wondered into. "He is the one who got us into this mess after all. If Pepper catches us, that's what I plan to do."

Thor looked appalled. "Brother Steve! You would simply throw our shield-brother to the wolves if we were captured?"

Clint and Steve looked at each other for a moment, shrugged and replied with a unanimous "Yes."

When Thor continued to look at them with a horror stricken gaze, as if they had just said they were going to decapitate a box of puppies, Clint explained. "Thor, tell you what. Next time Pepper is pissed at Tony, you can take his place. After one face-off with a pissed off Pepper, you'll never agree to join Tony in any of his insanity again."

"She could not be nearly as intimidating as the All-Father when angry," insisted Thor. "I doubt there is much to fear."

Steve shook his head and Clint muttered something along the lines of 'poor simpleminded fool' but another voice cut in before the argument could continue.

"Do I wish to know why it is you're all stalking about behind bushes like naughty children?"

Tony nearly jumped a foot in the air and landed on his ass as everyone spun to face Natasha, who was looking at them all with raised eyebrows. Her gaze fell on Clint quickly. "Shouldn't you be meeting your girlfriend's parents?"

Clint nodded with a heavy sigh. "Thank you. At least someone believes me." The glare Clint sent Tony was just a notch below murderous.

The billionaire rolled his eyes and returned to his crouch. "Whatever you say Barton. Just keep telling yourself lies and maybe they'll come true."

Natasha smirked, her eyes sliding to Clint. "I'm certain he has an appointment with his partner's parents, though I question if his partner is actually a girl..."

"That was low 'Tasha," pouted Clint as he leaned against the building.

However, Tony grabbed him and Steve quickly and dragged them towards the entrance to the restaurant. "Alright, Pep disappeared into the back so we're going to go in there, get a table near her, and see who she's meeting with."

"Tony, this is ridiculous," groused Steve. "Clint's potentially in trouble with his girlfriend, Pepper is going to be beyond mad when she finds out you basically stalked her here, and this time could be better spent by us going over tactical plans like we were supposed to do."

Tony rolled his eyes as he dragged both Clint and Steve into the restaurant by their elbows. Thor followed obediently and, to everyone's surprise, Natasha entered after them. At their raised eyebrows, she shrugged. "I have yet to eat and this could prove entertaining. Besides, someone has to protect Steve from Pepper's fury."

Before Steve or Clint could comment, and both of them looked ready to, Tony cut them off by speaking to the hostess. "Hi, I need a table for five please, preferably in the back room."

The hostess, a young blond woman who was probably just barely out of high school, popped her eyebrows at him but nodded none the less. "Of course sir, right this way. I think we have a table open."

"Thanks," grinned Tony as he tugged Steve and Clint after him like children.

Both men exchanged looks that said they were going to kill Tony when this was over. Natasha smirked at them both, apparently amused as she followed the determined billionaire and his two hostages with Thor in tow. The God just looked around curiously, as if he weren't sure what to make of the pub-style restaurant they found themselves in.

"Here we are," stated the hostess as she laid five menus out on a long booth in the back. "Your server will be here shortly."

"Thanks," restated Tony as he forcefully pushed Steve, then Clint, into the booth. Natasha slid in on the other side before either man could escape. Thor slid in last, though it was a bit of a tight fit. Steve glared a little at the God when he accidentally pressed against Natasha, though the former assassin just scooted closer to Steve.

Tony, however, was too absorbed in his quest to notice the discomfort of his teammates. "Okay, now where's Pep..."

Clint rolled his eyes and gestured to a corner of the room. "She's over there, idiot. With Coulson."

"Coulson!" choked Tony. "That slimy little-"

Steve banging his head on the table successfully cut Tony off mid-rant. "Tony, it's probably a business lunch. Like any normal person would have assumed from the beginning."

"Huh," muttered Tony. "Okay, maybe you're right. They could just be talking- wait, is that Fury?" Leaning forward a little, Tony let out a low whistle. "Shit, that's definitely Fury. What's he doing here and who's the chick with him?"

Everyone turned to where Fury had just entered the back room, a brunette girl in step with him. She was chatting animatedly about something or another, hands waving back and forth. Fury was nodding along with what she said, appearing to pay attention to what she was saying. The strangest part was that Fury was dressed down in more normal looking clothing, i.e. a button up shirt and slacks rather than his usual trench coat and heavy armor-looking clothing. He still had the eye patch of course, but the change in clothing made him look more human.

Whatever the girl was saying abruptly stopped, however, when she spotted Pepper and Coulson who both waved at her with soft smiles. They stood to hug her as she approached, returning their hugs and greetings with her own. Fury sat down at the table silently while the others greeted the girl before taking their own seats. She sat down near the end of the table, an empty chair beside her.

Behind everyone, Clint cursed and suddenly started trying to find a way to slide out of the booth. Tony turned to the archer with a raised eyebrow, but the man only glared at him. "Tony, let me out now."

"Why?" countered the billionaire. "Worried about getting caught by the big boss-man?"

Clint's glare was joined by a scowl. "No, that brunette woman you were eying, which I am so going to beat you into the floor for later by the way, happens to be my girlfriend. The one I'm supposed to be meeting for lunch. So, let me up."

Everyone was staring at Clint like he'd grown another head. Even Natasha looked surprised. When Clint continued to glare at Tony for not moving, Steve took the opportunity to speak up. "Uh, Clint, aren't you supposed to be meeting her parents?"

"Yeah, I am," growled Clint. "And I'd like to make a good impression so if I ask her to marry me everyone doesn't automatically hate me. She doesn't have a whole lot of family to begin with and these are the people who matter to her."

Natasha cleared her throat. "Clinton, please take another look at the people your girlfriend is sitting with. By your statement, she would classify Director Fury, Agent Coulson, and Miss Potts as her family."

Clint suddenly stopped moving, eyes going wide as his head snapped back towards the table the brunette had sat down at and looking over the people present. "Shit. I'm screwed. I'm so screwed. I thought I was out of my league before, but now I really know I am..."

Thor, however, choose that moment to stand. Without a word, he picked Tony up out of the booth, then grabbed Clint and dragged him out as well. "Come shield-brother Clint! I know from experience that Lady Darcy is quite friendly, though frightening if angered. Her staff which shoots thunder is most formidable. However, I am certain she will forgive your tardiness, and that Director Fury, the Son of Coul, and Lady Pepper will be sufficiently welcoming to you."

"Her tazer," muttered Clint as Thor practically carried him towards the table. "It's called a tazer. Wait, Thor, hang on, I'm not ready-"

The demigod ignored his pleas, however, and instead dropped Clint into the chair beside Darcy with a grin. "I apologize for the late arrival of Lady Darcy's male companion. Shield-brother Tony has kept us quite busy this morning."

Darcy raised an eyebrow at Thor, cracking up when she looked behind him and noticed the others who were attempting to hide behind their menus. "Aw, Clint, you're team showed up to support you."

Clint moaned and shook his head. "No, they showed up because Tony dragged us out of the house to follow Pepper."

"Seriously?" asked Darcy with a laugh as her eyes went back to Clint. "Wow, yeah, okay, I can see that from what Aunt Pep's told me."

"A-aunt Pep?" shuddered Clint as his eyes flew around the table between his boss, his boss's boss, and perhaps one of the scariest CEO's he'd ever met.

Darcy nodded and motioned to each person at the table individually. "Yeah, this is my Aunt Pepper, my dad," when he hand gestured to Coulson, who looked more than a little amuse, Clint nearly had a heart attack, "and my grandfather." Fury nodded at him while giving his 'we will be having a discussion later and you will not like it' look.

Clint was dead. He was so beyond dead it wasn't even funny. Behind him, a crash sounded along with a string of curse words that were definitely not work-safe. Natasha was laughing, hard from the sounds of it, and he bet that Steve probably had the 'deer in the headlights' look he sometimes got when faced with something over-whelming. Though, Clint was pretty sure he was supposed to be the overwhelmed one.

The grin of doom that Coulson was giving him said bad things were coming. Did Clint mention he was dead yet? Because, really? He was sitting at a table beside his girlfriend who had just identified two of the most frightening men he'd ever met and a CEO who could have his balls without any effort on her part. Dead wasn't just dead, he was dead ten times over.

"I-its, er, uh," stuttered Clint. Really, how does one greet their bosses when in this situation?

"Hello, Agent Barton," greeted Coulson, enigmatic smile in place. "This is certainly an interesting situation. My daughter failed to mention that her boyfriend was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent."

Beside him, Darcy shrugged. "Eh, it slipped my mind."

Pepper raised an eyebrow at the young girl. "It slipped your mind that your boyfriend works for both your father and grandfather?"

"Yeah," confirmed Darcy. "I've been a little busy after all. What with finishing school and everything."

Fury nodded. "A forgivable slip, Darcy. Though," his gaze fell on Clint who gulped uneasily, "I would have thought Agent Barton would have mentioned this to us."

"Uh, I, uh, I wasn't aware that she was your g-granddaughter sir," mumbled Clint uneasily. "Had I know, I would have told you immediately sir."

"So you say," commented Coulson mildly, tapping his fingers against the table lightly.

Darcy rolled her eyes, then stood and motioned for Clint to move over. He did, finding his chair net to Fury's as Darcy moved her own beside Pepper's, then grabbed the table beside theirs and pulled it over. "Alright, enough harassing my boyfriend. Just 'cause he works for you guys doesn't mean you get to make him squirm. Hey, Tony! Come join us. The rest of you too. If this is going to be awkward for Clint, it's gonna be awkward for everyone."

"Thanks Darcy," muttered Clint, clearly relieved that he wasn't going to be stuck at lunch alone with his bosses and Pepper.

Darcy grinned. "I believe in equal-opportunity awkwardness. It must be shared evenly among everyone."

Pepper chuckled a little. "And you don't want Phil scaring Clint the way he did your last boyfriend."

"I doubt Dad 'accidentally' dropping a knife out of his shirt sleeve would do much to Clint," commented Darcy, complete with air quotes. "He works with Mom after all."

That time, Clint really did choke even as Natasha patted Darcy on the shoulder with a smile and kiss to the head as she slid in beside Steve, who looked so pale it was almost funny. Really, this whole situation just felt like a bad dream. A really, really bad dream caused by copious amounts of hallucinogenics curtsey of Tony Stark.

"She's, but, huh?" sputtered Clint with all the grace of a floundering fish.

Darcy just smiled at him sweetly. "Clint, meet my mom, Natasha. Well, I shouldn't say meet given you work with her. More like, say hello."

Clint stared at Natasha in horror, trying his best to reconcile what he was being told. Steve was backing away from her like she was going to bite him. Which, it was starting to look like she might. If any of them survived this meeting, it would be amazing. "Y-you're Darcy's, but, I mean, I, but..."

His horror appeared to entertain Natasha greatly. The grin she gave him was positively predatory. "Don't worry Clinton, I haven't been married to Phil for close to, what thirteen years?"

"Fourteen," corrected Coulson with a smile.

Natasha nodded. "Fourteen years of living without the threat of a knife in your back. It must be nice."

"Eh, with Darcy around it's still a threat," joked Coulson with a laugh.

"I did teach her well," confirmed Natasha with a grin. "It's too bad that she chose to enter the political game rather than follow in my footsteps."

Darcy snorted. "Have you ever been on the congressional floor? Its a real 'cloak-and-dagger' show down there."

Thor looked between Natasha and Darcy, head cocked slightly to the side. "What is this 'cloak-and-dagger show' you speak of? Is it a program on the TV device?"

"It's an expression Thor," explained Pepper patently. "Darcy is referring to the deceit that occurs in politics." Without preamble, her head turned towards Tony who was huddling in his chair. "Now, Tony, why don't you explain to us why you decided to follow me here."

Tony shrugged, straightening suddenly. "I might have gotten a little, er, jealous..."

"Jealous?" repeated Pepper, eyebrows raised. "Tony, we're engaged. And I'm pregnant. You have nothing to be jealous about."

Clint felt his head start to swim, attempting to keep up with the insanity that was flowing around him. Beside him, Darcy squeaked happily. "Seriously? That's awesome, 'cause so am I! We can have our kids together Aunt Pep!"

All the air left Clint's lungs, as if he had been punched in the gut. Which he might shortly be based on the looks Natasha, Fury, and Coulson were giving him. They had murder in their eyes.

"Darcy, could you repeat that again?" questioned Natasha, her voice not reflecting the look in her eyes.

Darcy blinked at her. "Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm pregnant. Oh shit, I completely forgot to tell you about that Clint! Oops." Clint was too busy choking on air to respond. His head was starting to swim and the world tilted dangerously. "Clint?" Everything suddenly went sideways as he fell out of his chair and promptly passed out.

Clint shot straight up in his bed, panting hard and scrambling for his phone at the same time. His fingers danced over the familiar number and he listened with tensed muscles as the line rang. The sixth ring had almost finished when the call was picked up.

"Clint?" asked Darcy, voice sleep heavy.

"Darce," greeted Clint, breathing still heavy. "Remind me what your parents do again?"

Darcy sighed heavily and it sounded like she rolled over in bed. "Clint, my dad's an accountant and mom runs an art store."

"And neither one works for S.H.I.E.L.D?" continued Clint, breath easing a little.

"Definitely not," assured Darcy patiently.

Feeling his chest opening up again, Clint flopped back on the bed and ran his hand through his hair. "You're dad's not Coulson, right?"

"Hardly," snorted Darcy.

"And you're mom's not Natasha?"

"Cool as that would be, no."

"And you don't have any relatives in high places?"

Sighing, Darcy shifted again and Clint could hear her moving through her apartment. "Look, Clint, the only member of my family you have to worry about is Pepper and you've already met her."

"Right," muttered Clint. "Pepper. She's still scary."

Clint still wasn't sure how Darcy managed to convey her eye-rolls verbally, but she was a master at it. "She's my older sister by close to twelve years and she doesn't care who I date. Actually, last time I spoke to her, she supported us dating. Apparently you've increased my maturity level. Or just make me look more mature. I suspect the second one. Anyway, that enough information to scare away the nightmares?"

"Yeah," sighed Clint as he rubbed at his eyes. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Darcy sighed and flopped back onto her bed, at least that's what it sounded like over the phone. "Clint, you're the one who proposed. I hate to say it, but meeting the parents is kind of part of the deal."

He knew the smile currently crossing his face was soft. If Tony ever saw it, he'd never live it down. Oh god, Tony. "Wait, Darce, isn't Tony engaged to Pepper?"

"Yep," confirmed Darcy, a hint of a smile in her voice. "Which is exactly why you don't have to worry. Mom and Dad will be meeting Tony at the same time they meet you, so pressure's off. Just relax."

"Alright, I'll try," muttered Clint, even as he worked to suppress a yawn. "Sorry to have woken you Darcy."

Darcy huffed softly. "Good night Clint. Don't worry, tomorrow night I'll be there in person to chase the nightmares away."

"Thankfully," agreed Clint with a grin. "I'll see you when you get here tomorrow. I'm picking you up from the airport, right?"

"Mhm," hummed Darcy. "I'll see you then Clint."

"See you then," murmured back Clint as he listened to her disconnect the call. Sighing, he set his phone back on the nightstand and flopped backwards onto his bed. Tomorrow would be insane, and so would the week to come. With Tony and Pepper's wedding just around the bend, Clint wondered if there would be any way he could convince Darcy to elope. Because even if she wasn't related to Coulson and Fury, the idea of not dealing with the brand of insanity that tended to pop up where the Avenger's were concerned sounded better and better every second.

I think my brain needs help...

Comments are welcome, just please don't kill me. My thesis is doing a good enough job of that as it is.