Erin, a nightwing fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own characters.

I wrote this because my mom had three miscarriages, Christian Erin and Ivan. I'm the oldest, but if Christian and Erin had lived I would have had two older siblings and I was thinking about them recently and I wanted to write something about how I feel.

Also please DO NOT FAVORITE this FANFICTION. Reviews are amazing, though please don't just say the story was written well, and you can follow me or whatever, but please don't favorite the story. A favorite would feel… wrong. If you want to find this again you can follow the story.

I like that stuff for my other stories… but this one is different. So. Please don't.

The pain of watching his parents die had never completely gone away. Not really. But he had made his peace with it. Moved on. Lived. But one day the circus had been back in town. One day he had talked with Pop and the rest. And he had learned something. Something he hadn't been told before. Something his parents had told Pop but not him but Pop had told him and why was it such a big deal?

Mary Grayson had been pregnant, once before. His name was Erin Ivan Grayson. He died when he was 20 weeks old in Mary's womb.

His name was Erin. Dick was going to have a little brother. He knew he already had little brothers. And a sister. But… what would it have been like, to grow up with an older sibling?

Would they have taught Dick how to avoid unwanted parents? Taught him how to make paper airplanes? Would they have snuck Dick onto the trapeze to work on stunts their parents deemed too dangerous? Would they have let Dick cuddle in their beds during nightmares? Would they have teased him about crushes? Offered to fight bullies? Given him piggyback rides? Kissed his scrapes? Would they have made him feel better about moving so often, about only knowing the people in the circus (because the circus was great and close but sometimes…)

Dick felt tears stinging his eyes and couldn't quite explain why possibilities were so painful. Why an idea tore at his heart and made him ache for something he could never have had. Dick was always the strong one! Always the one others turned to for support, always the one to shoulder everyone's problems and what if there had been someone there for him?

Bruce was a rock, to be sure, but not one with any experience with emotions. All he could do was analyze and explain, and if your feelings weren't logical that was enough reason to dismiss them. 'You see Dick? It doesn't make sense. Better now?'

No. And Alfred was there, and always said he was willing to talk. But Dick always felt bad about burdening the man with his problems. He had so many responsibilities already… and he would only go talk to Bruce anyway. No.

But an older sibling… what if the responsibility didn't always fall to Dick? What if there was someone to protect him and to keep him sheltered from the world?

It wouldn't be perfect, Dick knew. Older siblings also meant embarrassment and harassment but… but what if Dick could just bask in the feeling that there was someone else there, someone older, and just feel safe in that knowledge?

What if he didn't feel responsible for helping Bruce stay on top of his responsibilities, of keeping Alfred from having to deal with any more emotional strain? What if he could crash with a sibling, tell them everything and not feel guilty, or afraid?

He was angry, he supposed. At Erin. For leaving. For not being here, even if the idea was ridiculous - a 20 week old fetus doesn't decide to die.

But… older siblings have a responsibility! And if Erin wasn't here, taking care of his little brother - of Dick… then he wasn't doing his job.

Dick thought if he was going to be angry at Erin for dying, he should be angry at his parents for having a baby who died, but he found he wasn't. Not really. They must have suffered, with that death, and Dick was sure they had done anything that would have decreased Erin's chance of living.

So.

Just mad at Erin.

Just mad at a brother that would never be there; never laugh or smile or hold Dick's hand.

It didn't make sense. But if there was any sort of afterlife (and Dick believed there was) then surely infants of all people had to go there. Surely Erin was happy. But still. Dick was angry. Couldn't he have seen Erin just once?

Even if just to say hello.

DO NOT FAVORITE this FANFICTION. I know I said this already, but just in case you didn't see it at first, it feels disrespectful to my siblings. Here's the message again:

I like that stuff for my other stories… but this one is different. So. Please don't.