I don't own The Blacklist and I don't make money with fanfiction.
Summary: Lizzie makes an important decision without asking Red, which leads to difficulties in their relationship.
Oneshot! Lizzington, rated T.
Please read and review!
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Red and Liz had been a couple for a few months now; there were problems and fights sometimes, but actually, they were happier than any other couple. Until Monday, when Red came home late at night. Liz was asleep already, but looked like she had been crying. He lay down next to her and lay an arm around her shoulder, but she moved to the edge of the bed and pushed his arm away. Apparently, she wasn't as asleep as he thought...
"What's going on, sweetheart?"
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me, Lizzie. I know something's off."
"No, let me sleep."
"And why don't you let me hug you? We never sleep without cuddling into each other. I may be a cold blooded criminal sometimes, but I won't leave you like this."
"Ray, it's nothing, I'm just...never mind, goodnight."
Liz pulled the blanket over her ears and pretended not to hear him. Red slipped his hand under her blanket and stroked over her arm, but she jerked away, he tickled her waist, she pushed his hand away and scratched her waist to get rid of the sensation his fingers caused on her skin, he caressed her hip, she pushed it away again. Well, at least she pressed her thighs together, his hand on her hip always had an effect on her. Something was wrong here, Red just didn't know what.
Later, he heard her cry very silently, she didn't want him to hear her. He decided not to touch her again, it was obvious that she wanted to be alone.
The next morning, she was already at work when he woke up.
It was a whole week like this: she didn't let him touch her and refused to tell him what was wrong. At work, she seemed normal, but as soon as the two of them were alone, she was cold and withdrawn. She kept telling him everything was ok and that he shouldn't worry about her. He hated to lie in bed with her and not being allowed to touch her, to comfort her. She was crying at night, but the one time he had brought that up the next morning, she had played it down and told him he should leave her alone. Last night, she had slept on the couch. He begged her to talk to him, to tell him what was going on, but Liz just ignored it. Red suspected she was hiding something and this night, he would just ask her again.
They were in bed, it was completely silent in the room, they lay with their backs to each other. Red turned around after a while to move closer to her, but that only caused her to move closer to the edge of the bed again.
"Lizzie-"
"Don't."
"I have been patient with you for a week, I think it's time for you to tell me what's going on."
"It's nothing."
"Please."
"No."
Red sighed and sneaked his hand up her shoulder carefully. She pulled the blanket closer, like always in the past week.
"Lizzie, come on. I'm begging you, just say it."
"I SAID IT'S NOTHING!" she screamed into the silence.
Red felt anger boil up inside of him. He wouldn't let this continue, tomorrow he would drag her into an interrogation room and force her to talk to him. However, he tried to be patient with her now.
"Goodnight then."
xxxxx
Red slammed the door behind them and dragged her into the room.
"Lizzie, I can't do this anymore. You will not get out of here before you've told me what's wrong with you!"
"I already told you a hundred times that nothing's wrong! And let go off my wrist, damn it!"
"Then you have lied to me a hundred times."
"No!"
"See? Again." Red pressed one hand against the door so that she couldn't escape. He would get this out of her. Today.
"But you do realize that we're in an interrogation room and that there's a glass wall behind us and someone could be listening, don't you?" she snapped.
"I don't care!" he yelled and slammed his hand against the wall. "Tell me!"
She shook her head. "No, there's nothing to say."
He put his hands on her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes, she broke free and took several steps back.
"Don't touch me!" she spat at him.
"Why?"
No answer. Red crossed his arms over his chest, trying to calm himself down. He didn't want to yell at her anymore.
"Lizzie. You're rejecting me. You don't let me make love to you anymore, you don't let me kiss you and you don't let me touch you at all. Sweetheart, I'm worried about you. So, what's wrong? And don't tell me it's nothing." Red asked completely calm, but there was a dangerous glare in his eyes that made Liz shiver.
Liz shook her head and looked to the floor, blinking back a few tears.
"Are you on your period?"
"Uh, no."
"You can talk to me, you know?"
"It's not that."
"Are you pregnant?"
"What?! No!"
"Are you sure, Lizzie?"
"Yes."
"Then why the hell have you been crying all night again?" Red asked impatiently, walking backwards and forwards in the room, never breaking eye contact with her.
"I haven't-"
"NO! I heard you! And I'm sick of your lies!"
Something inside of Liz broke, she had to tell him the truth.
"I can't tell you."
"God, sweetheart. You can tell me everything. You know that, right?"
"Not this." she whispered to the floor.
"Oh, I will make you talk."
"Oh yeah? I don't let you touch me! How are you gonna make me talk then?!" she grinned coldly at him.
"With the one ability you don't have."
"And what is that?"
"Patience."
She laughed humorlessly and stared at the floor.
"And look at me when I talk to you."
She raised her head slowly, but kept her eyes closed for a moment.
"Could we please not talk about this here? Please, Ray." she begged. She had returned to that awful habit of stroking over her scar when she felt uneasy. Red grabbed her wrists and rubbed over the scar with his thumb. Not to his surprise, she backed away from him.
"Leave me alone." she said quietly.
"No, Lizzie. Not this time. You know what? You go home, sleep a little and when I come home, we talk. Understood?"
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"I know. But I'm doing it anyway."
"What am I gonna tell Cooper?"
"Don't worry, I'll find an excuse."
"But I need to work. It keeps my mind off...this."
"Lizzie, go home and sleep. You need it, please, just do what I say."
"Why do I always have to do what you say? I'm an adult, I can do what I want. And right now, I want to work."
"That's not the point." Red replied firmly, almost loosing his temper.
"It is."
"Elizabeth, I don't want to say it again. Off you go." he ordered impatiently.
xxxxx
Liz went out without a second glance back at him. He was right, she should go home. Oh God, he would be so mad at her when she told him what she had done...
She dressed in his dark blue Navy t-shirt and went to bed, crying herself to sleep as always in the past week. She didn't know how he would react and actually, she didn't want to know. He couldn't throw her out, she had nowhere to go. He wouldn't do that, anyway. He loved her, no matter what she did. At least that was what she hoped. After her doctor's appointment last Monday morning, she thought she should just forever keep the secret to herself and never tell anybody about it, not even him. She felt guilty about it, so damn guilty.
Liz was sleeping deeply when Red lay down. He kicked his shoes off and hugged her from behind, still in his suit but with a few undone buttons of his shirt and a loosened tie. She woke up from a soft kiss on her left cheek. She wanted to fight him, but he hugged her tighter so that she couldn't struggle.
"Shh, it's alright. Don't fight me, just start talking when you feel ready." Red kissed the back of her head and buried his nose in her hair. He pulled another blanket over them and held her tightly, calming her down with his breathing. She sobbed quietly into the pillow and relaxed slowly. Several minutes later, she sighed.
"Don't be angry, ok?"
"I won't."
"So...um, last Monday I went to a doctor."
"And?" Red panicked, he didn't want his Lizzie to get sick.
"I just can't say it."
"Of course you can. I won't be mad at you." Red wasn't so sure about that, but nevertheless, he said it.
"No..."
"You can't or you won't?"
"Both."
His thumb caressed her cheek, lying under the blanket in a suit was a little too warm, but Red didn't move. He had the bad feeling that Liz had done something horrible.
A few minutes later, she spoke again, very quietly. It was already dark outside but both of them had their eyes wide open.
"I had an abortion." she whispered into the darkness.
"You did what?" Red couldn't believe what he had just heard.
"I aborted my child."
"Our child? My child?"
"Yes, of course it was yours. Why do you even doubt that?"
"I am sorry."
"I...did it...well, last Monday. You were in California for business all day."
He had stopped caressing her cheek, instead, his hand lay on her shoulder, it was too tight, she couldn't move, but she didn't say anything. She felt his anger and disappointment by the way he held her. He didn't want to hurt or yell at her, although he felt like he should. He didn't know what to do.
"Ray, I'm so, so sorry. But I thought..." she trailed off.
"You could at least have told me that you were pregnant, Lizzie. To be honest...what would we have done with a baby, anyway? Everyone would have known that I'm the father and then we would have gone to prison."
"How would they know?"
"They already suspect it. But I'm a criminal, I'm almost twenty years older than you, our...lifestyle doesn't allow a family. We don't have time, even if you wanted a child." Liz didn't respond, she continued crying into the pillow and nodded.
"Lizzie, I know it sounds cold. But if we had a different life, I would be-"
"Mad, angry, disappointed?" she cut him off.
"Yes." he replied after a long while.
"What would you have told me to do if you knew I was pregnant?"
"Maybe I would have told you to do what you did."
Liz sighed. "I knew you'd say that. Don't you wonder why the people who follow me on your orders didn't report to you where I was going that day?"
"That thought crossed my mind, yes."
"I took a walk through the city and made many detours until I reached the doctor through the back door in a small, shady alley."
"That's my girl. Even professional pursuers lose your trail. Quite the criminal, sweetheart."
"You don't have to make jokes to cheer me up." she half laughed, half cried.
"Yes. What I want you to know is that if we had a normal life, I would be disappointed of you. And right now, I still can't see why you haven't told me you were pregnant."
"I don't know. When you asked me this morning, I almost told you that I was, but somehow, it wasn't the right moment."
"You would have never told me if I wouldn't force you, right?"
"Hmhm.."
Red kissed her shoulder and stroked her hair, she didn't resist.
"You mind telling me why you haven't let me touch you all week?"
"I felt...feel guilty. Like I don't deserve you, like what I did is too terrible for deserving your forgiveness. When I came from the doctor, everything seemed normal to me. Then I went to bed alone because I knew you would be late. I thought about you and then suddenly, I realized what a terrible thing I had done with murdering our child." she sobbed uncontrollably.
"Lizzie, calm down. You didn't murder our child. It was too early. Did they already know if it was a boy or a girl?"
"It...it was a...boy."
"I always wanted a son." Red said to himself.
"See? And I killed him! I couldn't touch you without thinking of the life I ended!"
"Don't keep yourself telling that. You didn't kill him."
"I'm so sorry, Ray."
"Shh, don't apologize. I am the one who thinks I don't deserve you. And you don't have to be sorry for what you did."
"Don't keep your anger to yourself. I can feel you're still angry."
"I am, but that doesn't matter. It wasn't my decision, I mean...you could have asked me, but I wouldn't have told you anything different. Now I'm going to get out of this suit and then we sleep, alright?"
"Mh..."
"Good, and don't cry yourself to sleep. You're going to be ok. I love you unconditionally, I want you to know that."
Later, he turned her on her other side and kissed the tears from her cheeks affectionately. She gave him her first genuine smile that day and kissed him back. Liz fell asleep with her head on his chest and his hand buried in her hair.
xxxxx
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