Jimmy McGill was thinking about Howard Hamlin again. To him, Howard was a selfish prick with an inflated ego. No wonder Hamlin and his brother had gotten along so well. Jimmy had always been in his older brother's shadow, had always felt small, but Howard was the real giant. With his perfect hair and perfect smile.
Jimmy walked over to the window and reflected on his grand surroundings. He had not always loved Albuquerque. It had just been a place to start over. In time he did come to genuinely care for it. He didn't really care for the desert though. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to be himself. With Chuck gone, he could embrace it. Or maybe embrace that part of him...he knew he was capable destroying people's lives.
But that was not who he was.
He felt numb.
He didn't know who he was.
In his heart of hearts, he tried, but couldn't find it in him to loath his brother, the way his OWN brother despised him. He just couldn't. He would always love Chuck. He thought back to what had transpired between him and his brother, their whole lives, leading up to the final weeks. How, when, did it go all wrong? He could never make it right. Standing there, in his brother's sitting room, he should have said something. Why hadn't he said anything? He couldn't fathom Chuck's hated, or his endless love toward the man he should hate. He would never know the true seed of his brother's hatred. Where had it come from? They both came from loving, caring parents. He wondered how he, a con man, had felt more affection toward people, when Chuck, who did everything by the book, right down to the fine print, have feelings only for himself. One thing he did know Chuck meant those words, you never really mattered that much to me," Everything he did to undermine him, he wouldn't have done that if he had cared. The harder part was that Chuck hadn't been alone. His mind traced back to Howard, (Chuck's right-hand man, and partner in destroying his career) and the words they had exchanged at the funeral.
As Jimmy had stepped aside to a nearby tree for shade, Howard came closer, he could see the lively glint in his eye. He was up to something. A white-collar wolf in hamlindago blue.
He said, in hushed tones, even though no one would hear him, "I intended this for Chuck," He held out his hand, in it he held an envelope. It made Jimmy think about the 'hand-out' he had tried to him a week ago. Howard hadn't showed it then but he had been shocked, wouldn't take it.
"What do you think I was born-yesterday, Howard?" he replied.
Hamlin looked back, even more shocked.
"You bought Chuck out for 3 million dollars. That was the last straw for him. You knew how much that firm met to him. Unless... I get it. You're trying to goad me, get me disbarred. Dead man's wish. That's it huh?"
"Jimmy, I'm not trying to goad you. We are both to blame here. " Howard wanted to make things right and be done with it. "But I am concerned about you."
"Don't be."
They looked at each other. Jimmy studied Howard's demeanor, still undecided about his motives.
Eventually, Hamlin took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," He looked stressed, his emotions raw, eager. Jimmy could actually hear Howard's emotions shatter into pieces. Then the selfish giant walked away into the distance.
The only way to make things right, he decided was to embrace it.
Kim came out of the bathroom, wearing his American Samoa sweater, "This might not seem the best time to ask, but didn't I see Howard talking to you at the funeral?"
Jimmy gave a long sip of his beer. "mmm." He nodded, looking down at the bottle sadly. It was doing nothing to calm his nerves.
"What did he want?"
"He tried giving me a handout. Can you believe it?"
"Are you alight?"
" No." a heart beat, hers actually skipped, before he added, "I'm ok."
"Are you sure?"
"All is right with the world."
She wanted to yell, no it's not, your brother just died. Would it kill you to show some emotion right now. But she pulled herself back. How could she possibly know what he was truly feeling. He was probably one of those silent grievers or it probably hadn't really sunk in. Either way, it was not good to hold it in. Bad things would come of it.
She was then snapped out of her thoughts when he tapped her on the head. "We should get some sleep."
She blinked her eyes slowly at him, affectionately, Kim Wexler's way of showing that she cared. That look said it all 'i'm here for you." She wasn't aware that that would not be enough. Shortly after he followed her into the bedroom.