Setting up together
2 months after the big shell incident Snake and Otacon are finding it hard to keep jobs to pay the rent, so they decide to find another person to live with them.
Snake - OTACON
Otacon - Snake..You don't have to shout, I'm right beside you.
Snake - I know, but talking quietly doesn't emphasize the manly gruffness of my voice enough!
Otacon - Okay Snake, whatever you makes you happy..
Snake - YES, I WIN (grins)
Otacon - Snake we weren't- oh it doesn't matter, now our next potential tenent is coming in a minute, be nice, and please no cavity searches on this one.
Snake - That woman was packin', I just know it, I could smell it off her.
Otacon - She was 93! Now behave Snake.
(knock knock)
Otacon - Yes come in.
Snake - (snapping on a rubber glove)
Otacon - Snaakkeee
Snake - Fine, fine.
Person - uh hello, uhm, your looking for a tenant right?
Snake - No we're advertising for a circus.
Otacon - Snake! Yes sir, tell us a little about yourself.
Person - Er, well yes, Uh, I'm 25, Im a plumber and I-
Snake - BAHAHAH, your a plumber?! BAHAHA, aha ohh, ohh that hurts ahaha!
Otacon - Snake can you even use a plunger?
Snake - Yo momma can use a plunger.
Otacon - What?!
Snake - What?
Otacon - What'd you say?
Snake - Me? Nothing.
Otacon - Right...
Snake - (whispers) snake 1, otacon 0..heh heh
Otacon - (ignoring snake) Anyway, tell me more, Mr...uh?
Person - Oh its uhm Akiba, Johnny Akiba.
Snake - HELL NO! Im not having you shitting everywhere! You get your incontinent ass out of here, now!
Otacon - Snake! Stop it!
Snake - Im not jokin Otacon, it'll be like Noah's ark only with liquid shit in here if we let him stay, Im not kiddin!
Johnny - Maybe I should go...
Otacon - No you really don't have to, he just gets excited like this sometime...
Snake - (rumbling through the cupboards) Where the grenades?! Im gonna blow that smelly son of a bitch out of here!
Otacon - Snake I swear- oh he's gone. Thanks a lot snake!
Snake - You'll thank me some day.
(knock knock)
Otacon - Come in!
(Liquid walks in, wearing a large raincoat and bowler hat)
Liquid - Hello
Otacon - (gulps) s-s-s-snake
Snake - Yes Otacon I know...
Otacon - Quick, get your gu-
Snake - He's almost as manly as me!!
Otacon - Wah?
Liquid - I think I could be your perfect tenant, you could almost say, it'd be like living with TWO of you.
Snake - Ohh I like him
Otacon - Snake I-
Snake (slaps Otacon) Quiet! Go on Mr...?
Liquid - Snake.
Snake - WOW, How'd you know my name?
Liquid - No that's me name.
Snake - Serious?! What's your first name?
Liquid - (flings his coat and hat off with such force a large gust of wind wrecks everything in the room) BROTHERRRRR!
Snake - Oh shit! Otacon, do something!
Otacon - (pisses himself)
Snake - Oh jeez, not again!
Liquid - Mwahahaha, now BROTHER, we will just who is the better snake!
Snake - (presses detonation button, and dives for cover under a cardboard box, the whole room blows up, blowing Liquid out of the city, all the contents of the room are left smoldering, including Otacon)
Otacon - (coughing) Snake! Snaaaakkkkeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Snake - Jeez Otacon, stop that damn whining! You sound like a goddamn little girl, every single time something happens, your there, whining like a baby, its infuriating!
Otacon - Oh...sorry, Where are you anway? I can't see through all this smoke, and what the hell happened?
Snake - (Emerges from his untouched gleaming cardboard box) I took cover in my baby (smiles) Oh and I rigged the room with C4.
Otacon - Ohh, good idea Snake! How did you know Liquid was gonna come here?
Snake - Huh? I didn't, I rigged it incase that nancy boy Raiden ever found out where we lived.
Otacon - (shaking his head) Oh snake...well we better get this all cleaned up.
Five hours and several punches to Otacon's face later.
Otacon - (with a big steak on his face) That was uncalled for Snake.
Snake - I told you NEVER to touch her!
Otacon - I was only moving her-- wait, her?!
Snake - Yes her.
Otacon - Oh god.
Snake - What?! You have that stupid cartoon collection, I have my box, each to his own Otacon!
Otacon - Fine! Lets just wait for the next person.
(knock knock)
Snake - Come in...if you dare.
Shakey Guy - Uh hey, you guys looking for a new tenant?
Otacon - Yes! Tell us about yourself.
Shakey guy - Well, my name is Michael Green, I'm 42, I work in burger king, Ive no family, oh and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I hope that's not a problem.
Otacon - That's fine. Snake is too, (gestures towards Snake, who is conveniently drinking a whiskey) he tried to marry a cardboard box in Vegas once.
Snake - (throws table over in a fit of rage, knocking everything off it and stands up shaking his fist in the air, screaming) One Day!!
Otacon - Uh...snake?
Snake - Oh..sorry...
Shakey guy - Uhm...
Otacon - So, what do you think of-
Snake - OTACON!
Otacon - Yes Snake?
Snake - Nothing...I just like saying OTACON.
Otacon - (vein pulsates) Yes well, don't. Now Mr. Green as I was saying, what do you think of house cleaning?
Shakey Michael - Well I don't mind it I suppose, gotta have a clean house right?
Otacon - (laughs) Quite right! How much mone-
Snake - OTACON!!
Otacon - (tenses) Do you have something to ask Snake?
Snake - (looks at Otacon like hes retarded) No, I just like saying OTACON! I thought we'd been through this.
Otacon - (becoming incredibly pissed off) Urgghh! Anyway, Mr Green, how much money do you earn a month?
Shakey Michael - Around 8 or 900, but I spend about 300 of that on alcohol, gotta feed the habit you know (nods at snake, who nods back)
Otacon - Uh...right. okay then. Well I think-
Snake - OTACON!!
Otacon - SNAKE, THAT'S IT, YOU HAD BETTER STOP THAT OR SO HELP ME GOD!
Snake - (looking at Otacon seriously) I can't, it just happens and you should respect my problem.
Otacon - Snake I- oh great! That's another whose run away, you must be pleased with yourself!
Snake - I am.
Otacon - I though- what? Urgh snake! Your like a big alcoholic child! I don't know how I put up with you!
Snake - Yo momma puts up with me.
Otacon - Snake! Stop with the innuendo about my mother!
Snake - In-yo-momma's-endo.
Otacon -WHAT?!
Snake - what?
Otacon - URGHHHH, that'd it! (jumps out of his chair)
Snake - (breaks the empty bottle of whiskey over the table and says calmly) Are we going to have problems Otacon?
Otacon - (all rage leaving him, sitting down slowly) No...no we're not.
Snake - Good. NOW DANCE!
Otacon - What?!
Snake - ...I just thought it would have worked.
Otacon - (exasperated) Let's just get on with the interviews!
Snake - Uh huh, is there more whiskey?
Otacon - I dont know, you're the one that buys it.
Snake - Oh yeah, I'll go look. (scampers off to the kitchen)
(Knock knock)
Otacon - Come in!
Raiden - (entering the room) Hello!
Otacon - Oh Raiden! How's things?
Raiden - Ohhh okay I suppose, Rose and I aren't together anymore, turns out she had a love affair with some Russian guy on the big shell and it's his baby, and well yeah...(scuffs his shoes)
Otacon - Oh Raiden! Im so sorry! Do you need somewhere to stay then?
Raiden - Yeaaahhh, I didn't know it was you guys lookin' though! How lucky (grins)
Otacon - Well I'd be happy to have you here!
Raiden - Woohoo! Where's Snake anyway?
Otacon - Oh crap I forgot about him...Uhh Raiden, I think we should wait until tomorrow to tell Snake, he's probably drank his weight in whiskey in the last 10 minutes he's been in the kitchen.
Snake - (singing in the kitchen) Onnnn the gooood ship, LOLLIPOPPP. OTACON!
Otacon - ...
Snake - OTACOOOON!!
Otacon - What?!
Snake - There's a thing...out the window, it's ginormous, it has wings...(threateningly) it's looking at me.
Otacon - It's just a bird Snake, and it's not looking at you, we've been through this.
Snake - You're right. It's CHALLENGING me! AHA.
(A window smashing is heard followed by 100 gunshots)
Snake - (walking into the living smugly) Well, I relieved us of that threat!
Otacon - Yes, thank you for that Snake.
Raiden - Hi Snake!
Snake - (Stops in his tracks and slowly looks up to stare at Raiden, slowly he squints his eyes and begins to snarl)
Raiden - .Uh...Snake?
Snake - Otacon QUICK! He's found us, press the detonation button!
Otacon - Uh..we used that earlier, remember?
Snake - THERE'S NO TIME! (lets out an animal like growl and dives across the table at Raiden, landing on top of him and proceeds to beat the living shit out of him) You stole my goddamn lead roll! HOW DARE YOU?! Look at you! Your like a woman! ILL KILL YOU! You complete and utter idiot! NODE?! ILL GIVE YOU NODE!
Otacon - (trying to pull Snake off) Stop Snake! Raiden's going to be living with us!
Snake - (stops) what? Say WHAT?!
Raiden - (laying motionless on the floor, bleeding from all orifices) errughh
Snake - (punches him) Otacon, I don't see why you had to ask him without even considering my feelings towards him!
Otacon - Snake, you hate him for no apparent reason! He's staying and that's that!
Snake - FINE! (gets off Raiden, standing on his crotch) I'm going to bed.
Otacon - Well...I guess I'd better get you to a hospital.
Raiden - urrghhh
Two months later.
Otacon - By the way Snake, Raiden's coming home from the hospital today.
Snake - He's alive?!
Otacon - ..yes
Snake - Damn it! Fine! But where's he gonna sleep?
Otacon - In the spare room..
Snake - That's my room of me!
Otacon - Excuse me?
Snake - it's where I go for "me" time.
Otacon - What?
Snake - It has all my memrobilia, My first bandanna, my first box, my first socom, Gray Foxe's skull, a picture of me with Mickey Mouse and loads of other stuff!
Otacon - When the hell did this happen?!
Snake - About an hour ago.
Otacon - I..Snake, just move all that stuff to your room!!
Snake - Urrggh he hasn't moved in yet and he'd already pissin' me off!
Otacon - Oh yeah, before he gets here, there's something I have to tell you.
Snake - He's gay? I already knew that. He tried a few things in strut H on the big shell...
Otacon - I don't wanna know. But no that's not it. You see, when you pounded him like a a piece of meat, you gave him slight brain damage so he's now...well...kinda dumb.
Snake - (trying not to laugh) oh...that's just, just too bad...
(knock knock)
Otacon - Oh that must be him now! A nurse said she would bring him over for us! (opens door)
Raiden - (being wheeled in by the nurse) Hey guys!
Otacon - Hey, how you feelin' buddy?
Raiden - Fantastic! I was so lucky that Snake saved me from those bad guys trying to mug me!
Snake - I what?! (glares at Otacon)
Raiden - Don't be a silly billy of course you did! (Jumps out of wheel chair and hugs snake)
Snake - OTACON! Get him offffff! Or I won't be responsible for my actions!
Otacon - Raiden, leave Snake alone, he's in a bad mood today.
Raiden - Oh okay, so where's my room anyway?
Otacon - Just in here, put all your stuff away then just well, do whatever you want. Ive to go out for a while, so...snake? SNAKE! (shoves snake)
Snake - God Otacon! I was listening to the locomotion on my IPOD, what?!
Otacon - I'm going out, can I trust you not to kill Raiden?
Snake - Yeah, yeah whatever!
Otacon - Okay, see you later.
Three Hours later
Otacon - (Coming through the door) God, it raining like hell out there! Lucky I got all the shopping today, it's supposed to be worse tomorrow!
(Snake and Raiden are no where to be seen, all the light's are off)
Otacon - This can't be good. Snake?! Raiden?! (walks into Raiden's room)
Raiden - Mhmmmeelllpp mhmm (Tied to a chair, celloptaped from head to toe with a little space for him to see and breathe. His head is shaven. He's placed infront of the TV, with cellotape holding his eyelids open, being made to watch fatman dance in a thong. Snake is at the window, focusing the camcorder onto fatman's apartment across the street)
Otacon - Snake!! What are you doing?!
Snake - I knew fatman would be of use to me some day.
Otacon - What the hell happened?!
Snake - (Sits down on a chair and lifts a glass of whiskey to his lips) He shouldn't have touched my box.
THE END!