Kenny…
It will make you strong Levi, so endure it~" His voice rang like venom through the shell of my ear as he whispered sweet nothings and continued. Cruel words with a tender voice, my fingers reached for anything that would make tolerating it bearable. Night after night, this torture would go on. I would go the whole day completely on edge, expecting and bracing myself. Clutching my knife with a trembling hand as I walked down the alley, I will kill anyone that dares to attack me.
Not again, not today. Not again, not today.
I repeatedly whisper that mantra in my head. I don't like pain, I don't want pain. If I have to cause others pain to avoid it myself I will. I am still young but refuse to be attacked any longer, I will won't accept it from him….or anyone else….not again. I thought it would be different when he took me in and it was... a different pain, a different sadistic oppressor.
I trusted him.
I fucking trusted him.
He said it will make me strong, he said if I could take this pain I could survive anything. He used me. Then left. Leaving as suddenly as he appeared. I have nothing left but hatred in my heart, a burning ball of rage. Then even my hatred eventually left and what lingered was a lonely emptiness in a corrupted storm of darkness. Every night, every god damn night that bastard came to bother me, I felt dirty. No matter how hard I scrubbed I could never become clean. That room was dirty everything was dirty. But he didn't lie, I am strong now because I am cold. So very cold in my shattered body, because there is nothing left I never got a chance to build any sort of unadulterated relationship because that too was taken. From that point on everything came at a price. So I vowed I will be the strong and no one will shame me like he did. With that the only time I will ever look down and see red is when I shove my shit stained boot so far up his ass he'll have toes for teeth. So from that point on.
I shouldn't look back
I wouldn't look back
I couldn't look back….not like I would want to…
When did it start you ask? I can't tell you, even if I wanted to.
Levi Ackerm-
No
Levi…my name is just Levi.
PS
Burn this note…..
I stood there wordless this letter was not meant for anyone's eyes including mine. I merely came in here to retrieve an overdue document. Levi has been giving me the run around in regards to its completion so I came to fetch it myself. When I entered the surprisingly unlocked office I saw what I assumed to be the document sitting on the middle of his desk.
Seeing no offence in claiming what was owned to me I took it but was not prepared for what I discovered. I read it, I read it repeatedly too, unwilling to accept that it was indeed Levi's handwriting. Not having an opportunity to pretend I saw nothing as the door swung open loudly with Levi sporting his usual expressionless gaze walked in nonchalantly until he saw what I had clutched; so tightly in my trembling fist.
"Erwin, you didn't?" His voice dipped into a low whispered as for a brief moment an uncharacteristic display of shock and shame flashed around his face.
"I'm sorry Levi….I did."