Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds
Summary: Garcia and Morgan replace Reid's sugar with salt. Little did they know that Spencer Reid took his coffee very seriously, and the whole BAU was going to hear him complain. Reid is very OOC.
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"You see this, right?" Garcia said to Morgan, who were spying on their little resident genius dump piles and piles of sugar into his coffee. The two were giggling like little schoolgirls, their backs against the wall, peaking at Spencer like they were playing hide and seek. Sometimes, the team acting like a bunch of preschoolers, this was said throughout the building, and the team would be the first to admit it was true, hell, they'd be proud of it. Except for Hotch, who'd bury his face in his hands and whine.
"I know," agreed Morgan, who was watching Reid still out sugar in his coffee, "I mean, have some coffee with that sugar!"
They didn't have a case today, but they did have a lot of paperwork. They'd be stuck in the bull pen all day; well it was sometimes better than looking at bodies drenched in blood. They've seen more than enough in their lifetime, so they accepted the paperwork. Still, they understood why everyone needed coffee, it was going to be a long day.
It also spiced up an idea from one Penelope Garcia, who had been evil grin plastered on her face, "Hey chocolate thunder?"
"Mmhm Baby Girl?" Morgan says flirtily while wiggling his eyebrows.
"You know how Reid has afternoon coffee during the middle of the day?" Morgan sent Garcia a leveled glare, thinking about what she had in mind.
"Sweetness, we're not taking the coffee pot away again, he almost killed the entire BAU. I'm not going through that once more."
"That's not what I was thinking," says Garcia, still grinning madly. Morgan playfully rolled his eyes, going to the next option she possibly was thinking of.
"We're not spiking his drink with Monster again," he warned, "We all know that day was horrible for all of us." Oh and did they. Reid was twitchy the entire time, energized to the max, his eyes wide and the screechy noise was the sound of rocking himself in his chair back and forth, rambling about disturbing statistics on how every forty five seconds a house catches on fire. He didn't stop to take a breath, and he didn't stop talking. It wasn't until Hotch got tired and scolded him, "Reid!" He looked like a kicked puppy. Well, it got him to stop talking.
No matter, this was a different prank. Garcia kept her head held high with her grin still up, "Salt instead of sugar. Besides, I read it was better for you. It tastes like garbage though. It's short, simple, and hilarious." Morgan looked at Garcia as if she were the greatest woman in the world. Oh wait, according to Morgan–she was.
"You're a genius, woman!" Exclaimed Morgan. Garcia shushed him out of fear that Reid had heard him shout, making the two giggle into hysterics. So, as promised, Morgan made sure to replace the sugar with salt, and while he did this, Garcia was distracting Reid. When she saw Morgan come out of the small kitchen with a curt nod, she knew it was her cue to go,
"Well my junior G-man, I should be going. I don't want the boss man to yell at me," Garcia said nonchalantly with a chuckle for good measure. She ruffled his hair playfully and went back to her office. Reid decided five minutes in that he'd get a cup of–what was it?–his fifth cup of coffee? Shrugging since it didn't matter, he'd gotten up and walked to the kitchen to make himself coffee. Morgan smirked and sent a text to Garcia, who had almost tripped since she was practically running in the bullpen. They watched amusedly as Reid dumped salt into his coffee.
"Oh. My. God. He's going to sip it!" They watched, barely able to hold in their laughter as Reid took multiple gulps of his coffee. It appears that Reid hasn't noticed the taste, the way he was gulping it so fast. Morgan and Garcia were surprised that he didn't react yet, and they were more surprised that they didn't burst out laughing yet.
They spoke too soon.
"Ahhhhhhh..." Reid had said, then, his face scrunched up in disgust as his eyes were getting wider and wider like blowing up a balloon. He had sipped his coffee, the aftertaste hitting him in the face. He spit the rest of his contents, nearly gagging at the horrific taste, "OH MY GOD! AGH! URGH! OH...SHIT!"
"HA!" Garcia let a laugh escape from her throat, and she tried covering it with her mouth like a small child, but it was no use. Once Morgan started laughing, they both started to clutch their sides in uncontrollable laughter. They were soon drawing attention from everyone in the BAU. People were beginning to stare. And Reid? Morgan and Garcia were pretty sure that he went briefly catatonic.
"What's going on?" Hotch says, sighing. Honestly, his team were the most immature babies he'd ever seen. They couldn't be left alone for one second without an adult–oh sorry– a mature, responsible adult present. Oh great, now JJ and Emily were following right behind him.
"What's up guys–Reid? Reid?!" JJ went all motherly on him, waving a hand in front of his face, for him to quickly react with a scared look on his face.
"Reid?" JJ said worriedly. "Reid–"
"My...my coffee..." He babbled, barely sounding coherent, "My, my coffee was–" Reid cut himself off with a now disturbed look on his face, he was staring straight ahead. Emily then saw the snickering coming from Garcia and Morgan.
"What did you do to him?"
"What makes you think that we–"
"You broke him! You broke Spencer, are you happy?!"
"SALT! IT'S ALL SALT!" Reid rambled loudly, "THE SALT MAKES ME SICK! THERE'S NO SUGAR! IT'S SALT NOW! SALT RAISES YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE! THIS IS BLASPHEMY! AND I WON'T TOLERATE IT!" He stops now, bringing his hands on his knees, he was about to continue but Hotch cut him off,
"Reid–"
"SALT CAUSES SEVERAL HIGH RISKS!" Reid interrupted at the top of his lungs, making everyone around him sigh and became prepared for a very long rant, "SALT CAN LEAD TO KIDNEY DISEASE, STROKE, AND HEART ATT–OH MY GOD I THINK I'M GETTING IT ALL AT ONCE! GUYS, I DON'T LIKE THIS AND I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO FAINT!" He tries to stand and walk around, only to accidentally trip on his shoelace, "OH, SHIT!"
There's an awkward silence surrounding the bullpen.
"...This is why we can't have nice things," muttered Hotch after a while, and if things couldn't get any worse, Rossi joins the conversation.
"What'd I miss? I heard screaming, I could only assume it was our team."
"Yeah, Garcia and Morgan broke Spence!" JJ cried out, watching the young genius mumble to himself, which was gradually getting louder.
"We did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not–"
"DID TOO–"
"Whoah, whoah, whoah. Aspett, aspett. I'm lost. You broke Spencer? what the hell happened?" Rossi asks.
"Someone," Hotch started off, giving his famous death glare directed at Morgan and Garcia, "–decided to prank Reid again, because it's fun to mess with his coffee." This only made Morgan and Garcia laugh even harder, even Hotch's death glare didn't terrify them like it usually did.
"It was just a prank!" Morgan defended, he then points at Garcia, "It was her idea!"
"What!" Garcia squaked like a parrot, "Don't pin this on me!"
"How old are you?! Five?!" Hotch exclaimed dramatically.
"HOTCH I REALLY THINK I'M GOING TO DIE AM I GOING TO DIE HOTCH PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT–"
Hotch had his work cut out for him, putting his hands up in defeat. He glanced to Morgan, "You can deal with this." Morgan looked horrified,
"Hotch! No! Why would you do this to me?!" Reid's eyes popped out of his head even more, as if it were possible, "OH MY GOD! IT'S HAPPENING!" Morgan sighed, he didn't have a choice but to help, it seemed.
"Reid?"
"THE ROOM–"
"Reid–"
"IT'S SPINNING!"
"Reid!–"
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!"
"Kid, I highly doubt that you're going to die from salt–"
"MORGAN TELL MY MOM I LOVE HER!"
"...This is absolutely absurd," said Hotch, after a good long while.
Rossi snorted. "You're telling me." Spencer's completely finished with yelling, now sitting down cross-legged on the floor, he was silent as a mouse.
"What...the...hell. I miss my lunch break for this?!" Rossi said.
"Hey guys, what happened?" Asked Spencer, on the floor, as if he didn't have a full fledged breakdown. The team merely stared at him in silence as he got back up, "Gosh, I'm tired. I better make some coffee–"
"NO!" The whole team shouted at once, with Garcia unplugging the machine herself.
Garcia and Morgan indeed learned, that day, to never replace sugar with salt.