a/n—hm...my first anime fanfic. Tell me what you think!
This Is Not Love
"Yuki."
Violet grey eyes glance up from the screen and fall again, his fingers never stopping their dance over the keyboard. A silhouette, almost black in the late afternoon sun against the white paper doors, looms overhead. It shifts uneasily, cotton robes brushing the floor with a sigh.
"Please."
He types faster now, clearly hearing the plea but also clearing ignoring it. Outside, the last leaves fall in the wind, falling to their silent little deaths unnoticed. Somewhere, a bird starts its lonely song. The youth at his feet suddenly slams the laptop shut, and though Shigure can't see it, he knows there's a dark fire in Yuki's eyes.
"I'm not going."
His voice is low, maybe even a little intimidating. Words that fall on deaf ears. "Do you think I want you to do this? If there was another-"
"Don't."
He hisses and gets up. He's almost as tall as Shiure now, but he still ahs to look up t him, in many more ways than one. There's the familiar sound of the front door being slid open and Tohru's voice breaks the rising tension in the air.
"Sohma-kun! Shigure-san! I'm back with Kyo!"
The taller of the two reaches behind him, silently sliding the door to the living room shut, least she and Kyo wander in onto the both of them.. "Yuki..." he starts again, but this time there's no need.
"I'll go."
He looses his school tie and it falls to the floor. "Sohma-kun!" He catches her voice in his mind, fixing it into his memory. Maybe it'll get him through another time. Just one more time and that's it.
"Tell her not to wait up."
Maybe.
--
"Yuki-kun, you won't believe...gomen...I thought..." She stands in the doorframe, staring at Shigure's back. The door leading out to the grounds is wide open, the cold slowly seeping into the room. "Shigure-san..." He turns round, twinkling eyes and smile all ready for her. "Ah! My precious flower is back! Tell me, how did your shopping go?" She smiles back, forgetting her search for a moment. Funny, isn't it? He thinks to himself, half listening to Tohru's mindless yet slightly amusing chatter. Funny how it just gets easier each time and she never even suspects.
Not.
Even.
Once.
--
The road to the main house is narrow, maybe even long. There's nothing but the crunch of gravel as he walks and the trees that reach forlornly to the grey evening sky with their naked branches, stripped of their golden red leaves that now lie rotting at their gnarled feet. Exposed, he thinks. Just like each time I'm with her. Naked to the world, and she's the spotlight that's focused on me. Its unfair that something so real, so close to love, can feel so...
Wrong.
He stops in his tracks, frozen as he catches a slight movement out of the corner of his eye. Almost calmly, he turns and sure enough, she's there, draped lifelessly on the window sill, black eyes dull.
"Aren't you going to greet me?" Her voice, lilting, mesmerizing. Terrifying. He bows low to the head of the Sohmas, hands curled into tight fists at his side.
"Gomen..." he starts. Pauses, listening to the sound of footsteps on the frost covered ground. A cold hand cups his chin, twisting it up so he can meet her gaze.
"Shh..." she whispers, close to his ear before lifting a slim finger to his lips.
"There's no need for words now."
--
You hide behind your fear.
No.
This lie you spin, its not going to last. You can't convince yourself that you don't want me.
No, stop it.
But you do, don't you? You keep coming back.
It's only because I have to! I love her! Not you!
My poor, sweet, naïve Yuki...there's a fine line between want and need. You'll keep coming back...I just know it. Right until the day I die.
--
Sharp nails rake their way through skin and sin, ripping open his back. By now, he has learned to scream without noise. Cry without tears if he has to. It hurts, of course it does, but not in the way it should. This kind goes deeper. Blood taints her pale lips as she bites down on his. She laughs with the shadows that dance with glee in the far corners.
"Don't do that..." he mutters as she tangles her hands in his fine, silvery hair, jerking his head back so the fading sunlight bleeds onto his neck.
"Don't what?" Voice like velvet, lulling, dreamlike...but dreams don't hurt this much.
"Akito, please..."
She slaps him, the noise sharp in the slowly darkening room and the shadows laugh louder.
"You're not in charge here."
Smiling, she pushes him down hard, watching his eyes widen in pain as the open wounds meet the cold wooden floor. She bends closer still, her lips brushing his cheek lightly before trailing down to rest at the base of his neck.
"You love me."
Her voice is soft, pleading.
"I know you do, that's why you're here! Say it Yuki! Say it!"
It grows to a crescendo at his name and she pins him down, surprisingly hard for one that fragile.
"I don't." he growls but she silences him, kissing him hard, cold lips against his.
"Then why are you here?"
--
It's hours later when she finally falls asleep, exhausted. He doesn't hold her, just let her tangle herself in him, whatever she wants, but he doesn't want to put his arms around her. He doesn't love her.
"Tohru..." he whispers, mentally blunting Akito's sharp features, lengthening her hair, replacing her face. He stares down at her, replaying her voice over and over and-
"Yuki."
He sits up, robes pooling at his waist. Her hands fall limply from him to cover her face instead. She shakes, sobbing softly, but it sounds loud in the cold still air. Outside, moonlight dances through the paper doors, making the blood seem black.
"I'm scared, oh god, please..."
"We all are." He snaps and it scares him because he doesn't know whether he regrets it or not.
"I don't want to die, please Yuki, just hold me..."
He stays still as she turns her tearing eyes to him.
Begging.
"Please..."
This is not love, he tells himself. This is fear, and pity and just a twisted version of-
She drops her head onto his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him once again, screaming at her demons. Hesitantly, he strokes her hair until she falls silent, asleep once again.
The shadows are silent for now.
I fade into a night that I welcome
She draws me on with her soft hand
I hold her tighter as I descend
Let the world spin about me
As I fall into irrecognition-
This madness, this forgotten way
Perhaps sunrise awaits
Me, at the other end.
a/n—I don't know whether this should stay a one-shot...opinions anyone? That last bit is from a poem called Inverness, written by Jeffrey Lim, from a book of poems called In Search Of Words.