A/N: Originally part of an ongoing Shepard/Joker story I've been writing for a LOOONG time. But, I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably never finish it, so I've settled with posting a series of exerts from my story horribly disguised as oneshots, which is why you'll probably find characters referencing the past and you won't know what they're talking about BUT I don't want to explain it just yet in case I feel inclined in the future to actually finish my story and post it. Hope you enjoy my horrible attempts at comedy! ;)

Shepard would never admit it to herself, much less to Joker, but she was spoiling herself. Or rather, Cerberus was spoiling her. In the Alliance, you got breaks when they were assigned. Since the Normandy was technically a civilian ship unofficially taking 'direction' from the Illusive Man, Shepard could take breaks at will. She had the authority to give everyone else on the crew the same privilege, but after the outbreak of the scale itch on the ship after the shore-leave she granted on the Citadel, it was safe to say it probably wouldn't be happening again.

Not that he was disappointed, as his break had been quite uneventful. But everybody else had expressed some sort of discontent each time they landed at the Citadel, still trying to find someone to pin the blame for the scale itch on.

Being docked wasn't something Joker was particularly fond of, given that it took away the one job he had, leaving him with nothing to do but stare at the blank orange console. At least now he could go to the bathroom without fear the ship would crash in his absence.

His legs were still a little stiff, but he was getting better at the 'walking normally' thing. He even had tried his hand at running down to the CIC last time Shepard was out. The bridge technicians had laughed and told him he looked like a running penguin. Maybe he would try again later. As he approached the CIC, out of the corner of his eye he could see the two technicians at the end snickering at the memory. Or not.

"Joker…!" Kelly's sing-song voice floated to his ears. "Here. Now."

Barely managing to contain his annoyance, Joker limped toward the woman and her console. "What now?"

"Don't get snippy with me." She frowned, "I'm doing you a favor."

"Yeah, sure." He said incredulously, "That's what you said last time. Look how that turned out."

"Hey," she glared, ", that wasn't my fault."

"Aren't you supposed to be a psychologist?" Joker asked, leaning on the counter, "You're supposed to predict those kinds of things."

Kelly scratched her head, irritated. "I'm a psychologist Joker, not a psychic. There's a difference."

Blowing out the air he had puffed up in his cheeks, Joker rolled his eyes. "Why did you call me over?"

"Shepard forgot her credit chit."

"And…?"

Fishing through her back pocket, Kelly yanked out the chit. "You need to give to her. She needs to buy upgrades…or…upgrades." She pinched the bridge of her nose, "Look, the point is, she needs her credit chit."

Joker cocked an eyebrow, "So…you're sending a cripple to chase her down and give it to her?"

Putting a hand on her hip, Kelly gaped at him as if he should already know the answer. "Just go."

"Okay, okay." Joker backed away almost defensively after getting her meaning, a bit intimidated by the way she was staring at him. "I'm going, jeez."

Damn Kelly. Damn chit. Damn wards. Damn… Maybe Kelly didn't understand his physical limitations, or the fact that his legs might break any second now. What the hell was she thinking? Sending him of all people… she must secretly hate him.

Granted, the Zakera wards weren't as big, but he felt like he'd been searching around forever. He could just imagine that he had just missed her, that she had turned the next corner as soon as he arrived on the level. Yeah, with his luck it probably happened many times already.

While he was sure that circling the whole Zakera ward wasn't an entirely impressive feat for an able-bodied person, Joker felt like he'd just run a marathon; either that or a marathon's worth of runners had all just ran over his legs.

Joker accepted that he probably wouldn't find Shepard in his lifetime at the pace he was going, and resigned himself to his alternate assignment of finding a bathroom.

There was an inconspicuous set tucked in the corner of the level, he found. Right by the stairs. The men's bathroom was a dirtier than he expected something on the Citadel to be, must have been why there was no one using them. Huh. Guess there are some things that translate across all species. Joker hadn't been able to get out of the cockpit much, and it was almost a relief to use a urinal. As he zipped up, Joker looked at the soap and sink to the side.

Nah. He figured any germs he might have would get killed of in decon. But then again…scale itch.

Begrudgingly, Joker limped over to the sanitation machine, avoiding the effort of having to wash his hands. Alien technology, had to love it.

Wiping his hands on his trousers in an effort to make the tingling sensation left over from the machine go away, Joker climbed back up to the main level to head back to the Normandy.

Shiny white armor. Was her armor that color? Joker couldn't remember, she was always changing the color for some reason. It looked like her from the back…but Joker had encountered one too many butterfaces in his life to take this as complete evidence.

Maybe if I yelled her name…Joker almost went through with the idea, until he had flashbacks of his mother yelling his name at the top of her lungs at the mall, proceeding to embarrass him more than he already was by approaching him and drowning him with her concern. Ah, childhood.

The white-armor clad figure stopped to watch a news report on the wall, luckily for him.

"This is Emily Wong, here with an exclusive…"

"Commander Shepard?" he gasped, leaning on the wall for support.

"Not again…please." She turned around, looking the slightest bit ticked off. "Conrad- " she turned to face him completely, "Oh…Jeff."

"Expecting someone else?" he couldn't tell if that was relief or disappointment on her face.

She noted his strained exhaustion and led him toward the bench, "You could say that."

"Who's Conrad?" he asked suddenly as he sat down,

There was a twitch in her eyebrow, "Here's a better question: why are you here?"

For a second, he almost couldn't remember. "You forgot your credit chit."

"What?" she reached inside her armor in a fold near her hip, "Mine's here." Holding the credit chit between her fingers, she held it up to his eyes.

"Wait…if that's yours then…" Kelly. Damn it that woman was clever. "Shit."

"What? What's the problem?"

"Nothing." He told her, nodding his head absently.

She picked a piece of lint off her armor, "Okay then. Don't talk to me."

"Oh, come on." Joker said, throwing his head back dramatically, "Do you really want to know?"

"Considering you never tell me anything, yes. Yes I do."

Damn, she knew how to hit where it hurt, even unconsciously.

"Well, I was- going to go take a leak on the crew deck while we were docked, " Joker started, rolling his eyes, ", but when I-"

"We have to leave. Now." Shepard interjected, standing up suddenly.

"What? Why?" Following her wide-eyed gaze, Joker noticed a dark tan woman wandering near the entrance to the docking bay.

"Ex?" he managed to ask before she yanked him up by his arm,

Pulling him along hurriedly, she managed to not look bewildered at the suggestion, "Worse."

"Mother-in-law?"

Chuckling a bit, she looked back at the woman to make sure they weren't noticed yet. Bad mistake apparently.

"Wait." Joker managed to hear from across the passage. "Commander Shepard? Commander Shepard!"

At the woman's recognition, Shepard gripped his arm tighter in an effort to make him match her pace. Every few seconds she would look back and curse, the woman was beginning to gain on them.

Despite the fact that the tanned woman was wearing a rather tight and bright dress, she was running pretty fast, the floating camera drone barely managing to keep up behind her. "Commander Shepard!" She yelled across the way, holding out her microphone in her direction as she neared Shepard, "Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani!" she gasped, "Westerlund News!"

As they rounded the corner down the stairs, Shepard had resorted to nearly dragging him in order to keep up. Joker was almost sure his arms would have bruises. Exiting the stairwell, Shepard was frantically searching the level for a rapid transit vehicle before the woman managed to make it down the stairs.

"Shit."

Almost before he could react, Shepard yanked him into the corner, and ducked into a room tucked into the corner. As Joker fell into the room, Shepard pulled up the menu on the door and struggled to hurriedly hack the door into doing what she wanted.

As the door let out a satisfying click as it locked, Shepard sank to the floor sighing in relief. "What do you mean she disappeared?" he heard the reporter ouside, " I just saw her!"

"Okay…." Joker tried to clear his mind, "What the hell just happened?"

"Oh," she jumped, sitting back up, ", forgot you were here."

Joke rested on a couch set near the door, "Shepard."

Chewing on her bottom lip, she kept looking back at the door with an air of paranoia. "Okay, okay. Guess it's only fair, seeing as how I dragged you into this."

"Literally."

She laughed, "Well, honestly I thought you'd have figured it out by now."

"Is that an insult?" he asked weakly,

"No," she smiled, twirling her fingers through her ponytail. "Just…"

"I punched her in the face last time I saw her…she caught it on camera." She told him quickly, hoping it didn't sound as bad as she thought it did. It wasn't the full story, but it was enough.

Giving a light chuckle, Joker relaxed into the bench, "I imagine their headline was 'Shepard Gone Wild'."

Managing a smile, she began unhooking her gauntlets, "Actually, it was 'Shepard Loses It'."

Joker snorted, "Now that's a porno I'd buy."

"That's…" she paused for a moment, searching her mind for the right word. Finding none, she fell back onto the wall.

There was an uncomfortable silence, the unnerving hum of the lights becoming apparent.

Shepard opened her mouth to say something, but quickly thought better of it.

"So…" Joker started, not willing to let the conversation die. "What now?"

Holding her hand up, Shepard's eyebrows were knitted together in thought. "I'm thinking."

Taking a deep breath, Joker inhaled the sickly sweet scent of the room. It smelt like…flowers. Taking note of the bowl of what he figured was the asari version of potpourri, albeit, done more artistically, Joker took a moment to try to figure out where exactly they were.

It was a nice room, almost more so than seemed to be proper for the Zakera Wards. There were some twinkling lights hanging in the corners, sending spectral refractions all over the brightly lit room. "What is this room?" he asked aloud.

She didn't seem to mind that he'd interrupted her thoughts, but she cocked an eyebrow at the question. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that."

"It's a serious question." He scowled, "This could be a torture room for all I know!" Joker flailed his arms dramatically.

Slightly annoyed, she closed her eyes, trying to think without the twinkling lights distracting her. "It might just be for you…do you really want to know?"

"Yes, I think I do."

"It's the bathroom."

"What?" Joker's voice falsettoed, "No it's not." Trying to figure out the part where he missed the toilets, Joker searched the room for any indication that she was telling the truth. There was a sink, check. An unnecessarily big mirror, check. Toilets…nowhere to be found. "Then where are the toilets?"

Clenching a naked fist, she shook off her other gauntlet before pointing to the long corridor of doors. "The stalls are over there."

Okay, so maybe it was a bathroom. And a woman's bathroom at that, if the lack of urinals was any indication. At the realization of the aforementioned fact, Joker felt an unconscious sense of not belonging. It was the woman's bathroom. Forbidden territory. He could almost hear the subconscious voice of his mother nagging at him, telling him he wasn't supposed to be there. But this room was nice, a lot nicer than the men's.

\ "Since when do bathrooms have couches? And potpourri?" Joker picked a few pieces of potpourri from the bowl, holding them to his nose to smell. Finding the scent too overbearing, his nose flinched away, and he tossed the piece back into the bowl.

Pushing a loose strand behind her ear, Shepard yanked off a boot. "Pretty sure that's a normal thing."

"The men's bathroom doesn't have one." He pointed out,

"Huh." She pulled off her other boot, "Always thought they were the same."

"Speak for yourself." Not that he was complaining. He certainly wouldn't have a couch to relax on in the men's room.

Shepard tried shaking off one of her greaves, but to no avail.

"Wait," Joker stared wide-eyed at his commander, who he now noticed was taking her armor off, piece-by-ceramic-plated-piece. "What the hell are you doing Shepard?" Not to say he wasn't enjoying this new development, it was just…unexpected.

Throwing her head back against the wall, Shepard ressigned herself to manually unhooking her greave from the back. "That reporter…she's relentless. Before, she trapped me at the docking elevator at C-sec. She won't stop."

Did Shepard just sound…scared? Of a reporter? So, Reapers? No problem. Collectors? Pssht! Reporters… that was a different story.

Joker decided that the pills he had taken that morning were messing with his head.

"…and this armor is a dead give-away." She finished,

"Huh?" Joker almost didn't want to admit he had missed just about everything she'd said.

"So you'll do it?" she asked hopefully,

"Yeah…?" He had a feeling she would break his leg if she knew he hadn't been listening.

"Okay," she breathed, ", good."

Pulling herself off the floor, Shepard wiped her bottom off. She offered a hand to help Joker off the couch, but he ignored it and stood up himself.

"So…can you, ah- go over the plan again?"

She didn't seem to mind as she urged him toward the door, "Go to the store, next to that club, I think." She began, digging through her pocket, ", pick out something…inconspicuous. It'd help if it was something, unexpected. Like, not something I'd wear. I think."

Joker nodded, trying not to look intimidated by the daunting task.

"Here," she said, ", use my credit chit." She was still digging through the fold in her armor, "If I can find it."

"I'll just use mine, " Joker dug around for the chit meant for Shepard, yanking it out of his side pocket.

"Oh," she knelt down near the door, typing in a command on her omnitool. "I'll pay you back."

"No need," he mentioned casually. She apparently didn't hear him.

"Okay, " she breathed, getting back up, " to get back in, the code is 'manifold'."

He should feel humiliated by this. Was there some kind of inner woman in him that enjoyed picking out clothes for Shepard? Maybe. But he was sure of the fact that he was taking far too much pleasure in this to be natural.

But make no mistake, it was a challenge. And while simply being a man certainly added to the challenge, he had no idea what she meant by inconspicuous, or unexpected. Vague directions weren't his thing. Inconspicious…everything in the store was asari fashion, and they apparently were big fans of very…loud clothing.

Joker looked at the mannequins in the windows, trying to get some semblance of coordination with the different pieces. It wasn't helping. Flipping through the racks, he didn't know what to do with anything. Most of the time he couldn't even tell what it was on the hanger.

Yanking something off the rack that had caught his eye, Joker held the article up to his eyes, trying to make sense of it. Was it supposed to be a shirt? An extremely short dress? Joker wasn't all too sure that it was normal for clothes like that to be sheer.

"Special occasion?"

Startled by the voice, Joker almost dropped the clothing in his hands. After quickly regaining his composure, Joker turned to meet the asari shop-keeper who had previously been meandering behind the counter, amused.

"Sure." He answered, placing the garment back on the rack.

"Oh," she smiled slyly, as if he had somehow implied something, ",well there is a better selection of lingerie in the corner."

"Uhh…" how exactly was he supposed to reply to that? Joker wasn't sure. "I'll…remember that."

Filing through the clothes on the rack, Joker noticed she hadn't left yet. Like she somehow knew he had no idea what he was doing, as if aimlessly wandering about the store and looking quizzically at the items he picked up weren't hint enough.

"I'm here if you need me." She urged,

Pretending not to hear the asari, Joker pulled out a dress, one he had seen a couple of other women wearing. That was inconspicuous, right? Holding it up to the light, Joker tried to imagine Shepard in it. Though the image didn't come easy, Joker folded the dress over his arm for consideration. For a moment, Joker wondered if she meant for this to be such a selective thing, or if she just expected him to grab something off the rack.

"Do you know her size?" The asari hadn't left yet.

Wondering why he hadn't asked, Joker reluctantly answered, "Ye- No." he admitted, not managing to look unashamed.

The blue-skinned alien smiled reassuringly, "Don't worry, we have technology for that."

"Hm." That was convienent.

"How tall is she?" the asari asked, pulling up a program on her omnitool.

"This high." Joker held up his arm to his eyebrow, extending it out so the asari could see.

The asari shook her head, entering something in her omnitool. "What build?"

"Excuse me?"

She was starting to look annoyed, "Skinny, average, ahem…curvy?"

"Oh," Joker rubbed his jaw thoughtfully, ", average- no, wait. Atheletic?"

"That's not-" stopping herself before she could finish, the asari just sighed and typed something in. "Cup size?"

Did she really expect him to know that? Why did she even need to know?

"Jesus…" Joker muttered, running a hand over his cap, "Ju- , like…" Joker circled a brief outline in the air with his palms, cupping the imaginary breast, trying not to imagine what Shepard would think of him. "..this." Even he was cringing.

Somehow understanding his primitive man-speak, the asari entered what information she got from his obscene gesture into the program. "Over here," she told him before yanking the dress out of his arms and placing it back on the rack.

Leading him to the corner, she pulled a few things off racks on the way there. "There's this." The asari held up a blue dress for him to see,

It was conservative enough, he noted, though it was in the asari fashion of covering everything from the neck down in a tent of fabric.

When Joker gave no reaction, the asari frowned, "Too modest?" placing it back on the rack, she pulled something off the rack to her side, "What about this little number?" she smiled deliberately,

Was that even…clothing? He wondered, it looked like somebody had seen Jack's "buckle-bra" (as Shepard called it) and decided they should make an entire outfit like it. Was it…belts? Shaking thoughts of Shepard wearing the outfit while cracking a leather whip out of his mind, Joker gave a quick "No." before he had anymore strange thoughts

"Okay, how about…" she thumbed through the rack beside her, "ah," she smiled, "this…"

Joker wasn't to sure what to make of the dress, letting out a breath as he let the image of Shepard in the dress sink into his mind. It was short, compared to all the floor-length dresses, anyhow. Black, an inconspicuous color, he noted. But that wasn't what made the dress, it was the material. Leather. Black. Patent. Leather. He had a feeling it would cling to every curve, every valley, revealing in all the right places. Now, Shepard in that dress- that was a wet dream.

"It'd look great on her." A voice said, stepping beside him.

Not as surprised as he should have been, Joker glanced at the woman who had just appeared. She was in armor, like Shepard used to wear in the old days. Although Shepard didn't wear a face-concealing hood like the woman had.

After only managing to agree with her, the woman's painted lips curled into a smile.

"Should I bag it?" the asari asked, running her hand over the sleek material.

Joker almost answered with an over-eager 'yes', but stopped himself before he could. The dress was almost made for Shepard, every stitch, every cut, it was purposefully tailored for her, it had to be. Shepard would be a knock-out in that dress. But the dress didn't exactly fit the bill for 'inconspicuous'. Maybe at a high-society party, but not on the citadel. And the very fact that that the dress practically screamed 'Shepard' didn't fit her prerequisite for 'not something I'd wear.'.

"Can I see that dress again?" Joker yanked the sleeve of a dress the asari had pulled off the rack earlier.

Not managing to hide her surprise, the asari furrowed her brow in confusion as she held up the blue dress.

The asari tent-cut would have to do. At least the color matched her blueberry eyes.

"I'll take it."

"Jeez," Shepard sighed as he came in through the door, ", what took you so long?"

"Hmm, maybe 'cause I'm crippled?" Joker snarked, falling back onto the couch.

"Oh, don't pull that crap on me." She told him, pulling the dress out of the bag, "You can't use that excuse now. You can walk now, in case you hadn't noticed."

Joker didn't answer, simply content to lay back on the couch, trying to predict where exactly his stress fractures were at.

"Jeff," she turned to him, "I don't recall asking you to buy my intimates."

Joker looked at the lacey bra she held up, "Oh that." He replied casually, "You got one free with a purchase of 1000 credits or more." He lied.

"1000 credits? This dress cost 1000 credits?" she held the dress up to the light, trying to see if maybe there were diamonds hidden inside to make it worth that much.

"It's not your money. What are you so worried about?" Wasn't exactly his money either, though.

Shepard popped the seal on her chest plate, "Now I feel bad for making you spend all that money."

"Cerberus practically throws money at us. Maybe it's just me, but I see that as a welcome change." Shepard hadn't told Joker to look away as she stripped down to her underwear, but he tried out of a sense of courtesy.

Shepard stepped into the dress, pulling her arms through the sleeves. "Can you zip this thing up?" she looked at him over her shoulder.

"Yeah, just get over here."

Shepard backed into the couch, resting on the arm. Joker took a labored breath. Fingering the tiny zipper longer than he should have, Joker inched the zipper up, deliberately taking his time. He had to say he was almost disappointed when he reached the collar.

"Thanks." She walked toward the mirror, frowning at her reflection. "Fits nicely."

It suddenly occurred to Joker that he could have just gone back and asked Shepard for her size, and save himself the embarrassment, but he reasoned with himself that she probably wouldn't know it either.

Running the water from the sink, Shepard splashed her face, rubbing her eyes vigorously. Once the water streaming down her face ceased to bleed black, she wiped her face with the towel.

"What was that for?"

Shepard's hands went to her ponytail, "You ever see those pictures of those stars in the vids, without their make-up?"

"No." He snorted,

She gave him a pointed look, "Well, they look horrendous, hardly recognizable. I'm just hoping the same applies to me." The wood brown hair rolled out of it's bun, tumbling past her shoulders, cascading down her back.

"Huh."

"That bad?" she frowned, pushing her hair over her shoulder, "And people wonder why I never go out without it…" she mumbled, glowering at her naked face in the mirror.

"You look fine." More than fine, he wanted to say. She'd just had a librarian moment there.

"You there?" Snapping out of his trance, Shepard ceased to wave her hand in front of his face, giving him a questioning look.

"I…yeah." Joker replied, still dazed at the sight. With effort, Joker pushed himself off the couch. "We leaving?"

Still trying to figure out how to see with her bangs in her face, Shepard piled her armor near the couch. "Yepp."

"What about your armor? Won't you…need it? Later, I mean."

"I have a…contact." She began, "She'll bring it up to the ship later."

"Lets get going then."

*Appears from behind cover* Please review. I don't care if you're flaming me for my horrible taste, it helps! I'm a criticism whore, I LIVE for it. But y'know, a compliment never hurt anyone (along with the fact that it makes me smile like an idiot at my computer screen XD)

Thanks for reading! :)