Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Author's Note: Here I am again, albeit with a crack fic this time. Or at least, I hope it's funny. First off, I would like to say that all of this is purely fictional and meant to be a spoof. This is not a serious fanfic so please don't hold it against me if I get some details wrong (but pointing them out in a review would be greatly appreciated).
This fanfic was mainly inspired by one of which I forgot the title but it was about how Albus Dumledore discovered fanfiction and started believing it. Then he went about attempting to correct people's issues according to his 'secret weapon' (aka fanfiction). It was really funny and I loved it, so if someone could tell me the title and user name of the person who wrote it I would really appreciate that so that I can give credit to where credit is due. But enough said or I'll bore you to tears.
Let the story begin!
X~X~X~X~X
Harry James Potter strode through Diagon Alley boasting such an air of confidence and determination that it caused all of the wizards, witches, and other magical creatures to turn their gaze in his direction.
Needless to say, they all lost interest pretty much off the bat since all they saw was a short little boy dressed in rags that were much too big for him. The tramp had messy black hair and creepy green eyes. He was pale and thin as the Arctic and his knobby knees and obviously patched up glasses didn't help things either.
Even so, The-Boy-Who-Lived had never felt all the more brave or confident in his life. Let those little buggers scowl at him, he had defeated the Dark Lord when a baby so who knew what he could do now!
You see, Harry Potter had just discovered a vast number of wrongfully-hidden secrets the other day. He had stayed up late at night in his rented room at the Leaky Cauldron. It surpassed the Hogwarts Library by far and would make Hermione Granger green with envy.
Speaking of the bushy-haired witch made Harry's heart feel light as a feather. But he brutally shoved the notion away since he was heading off to do what had to be done to stop the war with Voldermort. He had to take up his Potter heritage and that meant Gringots Bank!
The boy skid to a halt just outside the large doors, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Taking a deep breath, he burst through them letting his robes billow in the wind behind him. The crisp sound of his boots striking the marble floor was enough to attract the attention of the a goblin who sneered at him with irritating disdain.
Wizards, The goblin thought in derision. What nincompoops!
Much to his annoyance, his train of thought was interrupted by none other than the ruffian who had entered the bank. If it hadn't been for his posh attitude, he wouldn't have thought the boy to be more than a scamp who had somehow wondered into Diagon Alley. It had happened on one or two occasions.
"Ahem!" The boy said, tapping his feet.
The goblin peered down at Harry who was folding his arms primly across his chest.
"Yes?" The goblin drawled.
"I have come to claim by birthright as Lord Potter!" Harry stated proudly.
Silence.
For a moment absolutely no one spoke.
Then everyone in the bank exploded into raucous laughter. The boy flushed and the goblins would have continued if he didn't find a wand pointed at his face.
"My name is Harry James Potter and I demand that you stop this foolishness," The wizard growled.
That of course caught everyone's attention and they all stopped and listened, deciding to humour the poor and obviously-disillusioned boy.
"We've stopped," The goblin snapped. "So what is it?"
"My sources claim that I am the Heir of Hogwarts as well as the Blacks and Potters," Harry said smugly. "I would like to see if that is true and I wish to check into my vault."
The goblin sighed and shook his head sadly.
"I am sorry boy," He said. "But there is no such thing as a 'Heir of Hogwarts' and the Blacks did not pass on their fortune to the Potters."
"But my sources said that the Potters had a vast number of vaults not to mention the Potter Manor and various other estates," Harry exclaimed. "I wish to see the Potter ring as well. It is my right."
"What are you?" The goblin drawled. "Draco Malfoy or something? I don't know what you've been smoking but this is no joke house. This is a highly respected bank and I'll not stand for this insolence. Also, I hate to break it to you but the Potters were a lower-middle class family meaning that they did not own a large fortune as you assume. All they lived in was a small home in Devon which is now in ruins and probably a museum. Anything else?"
"Oh," Harry said, feeling suddenly small and scared. The goblins never lied after all. "Yes. Do you have runes that give you special powers if you etch them on your body?"
X~X~X~X~X
Well, let's just say that a very dazed and disoriented Chosen One was chosen to be dumped out of the bank by two very obliged goblins with toothy grins on their faces. Harry could still hear the roar of laughter from within as he sat on the steps.
"But I never got to ask about the twenty-seven Marriage Contracts to the students at Hogwarts as well as Soul Bonds!" Harry cried to the doors.
"Marriage Contracts?" A voice smirked from behind causing Harry to whirl about now thoroughly bewildered. "Just what are you thinking about these days?"
He turned to find none other than Hermione Granger with a surprised grin on her face and her hands on her hips.
"Oh, Hermione!" Harry cried and fell on his knees. "Thank god I found you! I am so sorry for not seeing it all this time."
"Seeing what Harry?" Hermione prompted gently, now feeling very concerned for her friend.
Where the Dursleys really that bad to him?
Harry had tears in his eyes. "Ginny Weasley has been slipping me love potions and Ronald has been stealing from my vault with the help of Dumledore who wants to usurp the Potter fortune. I have only just now realised that you and I share a soul bond and that we are perfect for each other. Hermione, I love you!"
"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed realising she had to tell him now or never. "Ron just asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We are going to Romania after Hogwarts and Ron never wanted anything to do with your fortune. Dumledore has the whole 'greater good' to worry about and is the most powerful wizard ever. Why would he want the Potter fortune?"
Poor Harry was too distraught and could only think of all his sources.
Fanfiction never lied! He thought savagely.
"But what about me being a Veela and becoming a powerful Grey Wizard and..."
But Hermione was already gone, stammering excuses as she rushed off to call Molly Weasley for assistance.
Not knowing what else to do, the confused little boy just sat on the steps staring off into the distance when two almost identical voices surprised him. Turning around he was shocked and horrified to see two giggling Patil twins stalking him.
"Hi, Harry!"
The End...
...Or Is It?
A/N: Well, that about sums it up. Don't pull out all your big guns though, as I am a huge HarryXHermione fan! I also like canon couples when well-written but that is real rare. I also am a huge fan of powerful!Harry stories and AU fics like that but this is just a humorous spoof on all the clichés in that part of fanfiction.
I am considering doing one on character-bashing since I am really sick of it. The bashing is so cliché and over-rated, over-used, etc that I am now fed up with it really. Bashing used in appropriate moderation is fine but so long as they don't turn Ron into Malfoy which so often happens or Dumledore into Voldermort. That said, I will continue this fic depending on how many comments I get and how many people like it and approve of another chapter.
So R&R please, and stay tuned!