This is a Crack!Fic. It starts a little serious, but gets weirder and funnier, I promise. Okay? Enjoy.
I am the Captain for the Drapple (Draco/Apple) Christmas Pairing on The Pirate Ship Battles. AKA LOL. I had so much fun with this. O.O I'm finally insane XD
To Be In Love
Draco Malfoy was not in love with Pansy Parkinson, no matter what Granger guessed.
Neither was his love Daphne Greengrass, even though she was incredibly bendy and had been more than happy to shag him on the Astronomy Tower.
Not Astoria, not Tracy, and not (thank Salazar) Millicent Bulstrode.
Rumours flew around Hogwarts and the Slytherin Common Room like wildfire. Draco's reputation was almost dirt, but not quite, as he was a Pureblood heir and everything was covered up.
However, if this got out, not even his Daddy could save Draco Abraxas Malfoy from the press and the photographs. Because, Draco Malfoy was in love with someone (or something) he shouldn't really be.
It began in Third Year. On the Slytherin table, draped in green and silver, Draco had only paused to pick up a single green apple before he left for his very first Care of Magical Creatures lesson.
The problem was, he had always preferred red apples to green. But this time he took one look at the green apples, saw the way that the morning light shone off of their glossy coats, and felt an unexpected jolt of pleasure coursing through his body, dissolving into the stone tiled floor.
So he walked forward, and picked one up out of the left most corner of the basket. It was smooth to the touch, cool to the touch, and smelled like it should. Like apples, and warm days.
He tucked it into his bottom robe pocket, and walked outside, ignoring the urge to yell at Pansy when she began to walk with him, Crabbe and Goyle.
oOo
They learnt how to keep fruit fresh in Charms in Fourth Year, so Draco pried out the dirty black, mouldy apple from the bottom of his trunk, and managed a wide smile as it turned fresh, beautiful and green again.
He was inexplicably drawn to it's colour, and smell, and it's… Everything. Draco had not been able to throw it away, even when the smell got pungent, and it felt like he might be classed as a psycho if he even tried to keep it.
But now…
"I love you." He found himself speaking to the apple, in the empty Fourth Year Boys dorm room in the Slytherin dungeons. Everyone else was in Divination, most likely. But Draco was here, with his apple, enjoying it's shine, and smoothness, and then he pulled it to him in two tender hands, his lips gently brushing it's peel, tasting the apple flavour and feeling that same wave of pleasure that he experienced last year when he met his apple for the very first time, from his head to the very tip of his toes.
But then his head jerked away, and the light in his eyes dulled. "I'm sorry." He apologised, turning the apple over again. "I've barely got to know you Apple, I shouldn't have done that."
Funnily enough, the Apple didn't complain. So Draco took a chance, and kissed it again.
And it felt much better than when Pansy had basically lip-raped him not a week before.
Goyle walked in two hours later to find his friend snogging an apple. He wasn't smart enough to put two and two together and realise that Draco was insane, most likely, so he just grunted, shrugged, and wondered vaguely what it would be like to actually have a brain.
Nothing came to mind. With a lack of intelligence, came a lack of imagination it seemed. Goyle grunted again, walking out and going to dinner.
Now, where had he left that Danish pastry from breakfast?
oOo
"I think…" Draco could barely breathe, as he wasn't so sure. Sex had been fun with Daphne, but here was… His love. The love of his life. He couldn't simply fuck Apple. It deserved so much more. "I think I'm ready."
Apple was an apple of few words, and few actions. Draco loved that. No one ever shut up. Except Apple. Apple never talked. Thank Salazar. And it seemed to nod at him.
That night was the best of Draco's life. It is debatable whether Apple actually liked it, or even knew what was happening. The most likely answer is that apples are not living beings, so it had no concept of sex, love, and had no mind.
But at least it didn't audibly make any negation to what Draco was doing so lovingly to it. It let him caress it, hold it, and then lie next to it, after Apple's apple juice had nearly drained fully out and Draco was exhausted.
As Draco panted, Apple just lay there, doing nothing, thinking nothing, seeing nothing, and hearing nothing. If it could think though, what it would think would be: 'Well. This guy has finally gone nutters and shagged a bloody apple then.'
"That." Draco said, after he had regained his breath once more. "Was amazing Apple. Much better than Daphne, which is…" His face grew red. "Kind of… Hard… Is that okay, though? That my first time wasn't with you?"
Apple did not respond. Draco was content with that.
And his pressed his lips tenderly to Apple's peel once more, and then fell asleep, the apple clutched tenderly in his pale arms.
oOo
"Apple." Draco was crying, wiping at his cheeks as he tried to see his Apple through his blurry eyes. "Oh, my dear Apple… I'm so sorry I left you here, my love…"
He sobbed openly, and loudly. Apple was covered in soot, but was mercifully unscathed, apart from a nasty brown-coloured bruise on its beautiful, otherwise flawless skin. Draco had been stupid, reckless even, to leave his love in such an open location in a fucking war.
"I have to flee." He said sadly, stroking Apple tenderly. "Will you come with me?"
Apple agreed, somehow, in it's silence. And Draco smiled, even through his tears, as he mended the blemish on Apple's skin, and ran to the Forbidden Forest, to his parents.
Narcissa was the first, for once, to enquire about the Apple. "Draco, darling." She said, calmly. "Why are you carrying an Apple?"
"Mother, Father." Draco spoke calmly. "I would like you to meet my fiancée, Apple."
If apples could think, then when Lucius fainted, it would be thinking: 'Oh.'
Then, a few moments of shocked silence later:
'Crap.'