Headache of the Gods

by Genesis R

Captured again. Colonel Jack O'Neill couldn't hold back a groan at that realization as he rolled over and sat up to assess the situation. It was a blank metal cell, maybe ten-by-ten if he was lucky. The lighting was provided by flickering orange panels built into the walls, and by several squat golden braziers along the hallway outside. Overall, pretty much the same as it always had been from the very first time he'd been captured: smug-looking Jaffa outside, a heavy metal grate in between, and himself all on his lonesome on the inside. It didn't look too cheery for him — a sure sign it was time to try for a change.

He stood and pressed his face between two of the bars. Outside, the three almost identical guards pretended not to see him. Never a good idea to ignore Jack O'Neill.

It didn't take him long to come up with a suitable wake-up call. "Hey, Larry! Moe! And Curly, yeah, you too! Let's get things moving, 'kay?"

The first one jumped slightly, the second glanced at him for a split second, and the third — Curly — went dutifully trotting off to summon the Lord High Snakehead. Jack sighed and rested his forehead against the metal. At least he hadn't been captured by Baal again — he recognized enough of the tattoos to be sure of that — but other than that, it could be a Tok'ra for all he could tell.

Minutes later, the door whisked open at the end of the brazier-lit corridor and Curly trooped back in, leading a short stumpy figure dressed in gold and turquoise damask. Curly bowed out and lined up with the other Stooges, leaving the rather unimpressive god to walk up to the gate and make his own introductions.

Arms crossed, O'Neill stared belligerently; the alien drew himself up to his full five foot height and stared down — up — his nose right back.

The colonel raised one eyebrow. "No 'I'm Mr. Bad Guy and I'm gonna kick your ass' speech?"

The Goa'uld huffed once, clasping his pudgy, bejeweled hands behind his back. "I am Hapi," he proclaimed in a deep voice.

The second eyebrow joined the first. "Really? I couldn't tell. You look more stuck-up-ish to me. And being on the losing side of a galactic war, I can't imagine that you have that much to be —"

"SILENCE!"

"— happy about. Gee, let a guy finish."

Lord Hapi death-glared him. "You will do as I say," he said as menacingly as a short, overweight man vaguely reminiscent of Harlan could. "You will not disrespect me!"

"Insolence," Jack muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing." He smiled viciously sweetly. "Let's get on with the questioning, shall we, Lord High'n'Mighty?"

Hapi glowered. His Jaffa stood by impassively. Finally the Goa'uld took a step closer to the bars, unintentionally emphasizing the height difference more sharply. "Where are the rest of your team? I demand to know."

"Your Pudginess, they escaped because of the poor marksmanship of your faithful servants, o great lord. You guys take lessons from the Stormtrooper academy?"

"Then your team is on Earth."

"Boys, we got ourselves a genius here!"

"You will not be laughing when your team is handed over to me. You see, I have heard how you humans work. All I have to do is threaten to kill you, and your commanders will do anything I ask. And once I have all of SG-1 as my prisoners, I will be hailed as an equal among the System Lords, for I will have done a task none of them could accomplish!"

"So you're not even a System Lord yet. This is embarrassing. Captured by a demigod. But anyway, back on subject, you don't know the half about humans. Because, as much as I'd like to oblige you and help you get god status, I'm not really in the favor of my people any more."

"But you —" Hapi stopped and looked puzzled. "But you're the leader of SG-1. They will do anything for your safe return."

"Yeah, well, I kinda cheated with the general's wife and now I'm on the run. Hammond's a mean one if you get on his bad side — as I'm sure all you Goa'ulds are aware. So I found myself a new job. Better pay, vacations, you name it. I'm here in the name of Oz the Great and Powerful, Lord of the Galaxy, who is demanding that you pay your long-overdue planet rent."

Hapi's eyes bulged and his face took on a momentary expression of terror. But just as O'Neill was beginning to smirk confidently, a broad smile spread across the alien's face.

"Clever," he proclaimed in his deep voice. "But not clever enough. You see, there is no such thing as planet rent. Only Tau'ri use that term. You are lying..." Something dawned on him. "You DARE to lie to your GOD?! I will kill you for this...this...this impudence!"

Jack rolled his eyes. "I shoulda known that would come up at some point," he muttered. Then, louder, "Okay, okay. Fine, you found me out. Truth is, the other System Lords fear your growing power, so they sent me to kill you. It's that simple."

The wannabe-deity whirled around, robes flying out behind him. "Guards! Jaffa! Kree! Execute him at once! He dares try to assassinate your god!"

The three Stooges dutifully stepped forward, staff weapons aimed at their victim — and, incidentally, their lord, as he happened to be in the way. O'Neill backed away from the bars, hands up in surrender.

"Y'know, you're really not all that smart for a god."

Hapi stepped out of the line of fire. "Say what you will, human. Soon I will be rid of your prattling for good."

"Okey-dokey. I'll shut up now. Silent to the grave, and all that. I just thought you'd like to know that I have a naquadah bomb implanted in my chest, in case of these very circumstances. Your boys shoot me, and this whole solar system — or are we in hyperspace? — will go kaboom. But seeing as you're a god and knew that already..."

"STOP!" Hapi bellowed, and the Jaffa lowered their weapons. "Do not shoot him." He stalked back to the bars, trying to look sly and conspiratorial and instead looking rather like a beached whale sneaking along a sandbar. "But if the bomb goes off, you'll die, too. Wouldn't you like to be rid of that hanging over your head, the threat that you'll be accidentally shot and explode?"

O'Neill pursed his lips. "Well, when you put it that way..."

"How do you deactivate the bomb?" the Goa'uld whispered, his face now almost touching the gate.

"I think," Jack replied, also in a whisper, "if you put it near a power source, it will shut itself off. But I think it has to be a pretty big power source, or it might make it explode prematurely."

Hapi thought for a minute. "The engine room?"

"A real genius! I can see why these guys worship you. Yeah, the engine room ought to do it. Thanks for saving me from a horrible untimely death, Snakey."

The god growled and motioned for the guards to open the cell. "Take him to the engine room — and do not use your staffs on him!"

The Jaffa nodded and without further ado, Jack was hustled from the cell and down the corridor. It was mildly disappointing that Hapi didn't choose to follow, too, but in a way that was probably also for the best — Jack was proud of his quick thinking so far, but he'd rather not test his luck. He just thanked his stars that it was some fool alien he'd been captured by and not Baal. Not that he wanted to be thinking of that son of a snake as he was being manhandled off into the unknown by two brawny goons who looked like they could take on Teal'c singlehandedly. Nope, not comforting thoughts at all. So to keep himself on track, he began thinking about his next move. And tactical moves, like insults, came easily to Jack.

The first thing he did was stumble and stick out one leg in hopes of tripping the Stooge on his right. Unfortunately, the guard saw it coming and took care to step on Jack's ankle instead, earning a muffled grunt from the colonel.

"Watch it, guys," he admonished. He was about to follow up with a comment about the naquadah bomb, but these Jaffa looked smarter than the average Goa'uld, so he decided to merely say, "Wouldn't want to damage the goods without permission, would ya?"

After that they picked up the pace and O'Neill fell silent as he was busy memorizing the network of passages they hauled him through. It wouldn't do to escape and then get lost in this stupidly huge ship. Seriously, who needed a ship bigger than a pyramid? Then he remembered Hapi's height and smirked to himself. Space Napoleon.

Seven hundred and fifty-four steps later, they arrived at the engine room. Jack wasn't entirely sure what he'd been expecting — this was usually Carter's territory, that he only entered in dire necessity — but it sure wasn't this. Three huge pillars reached from the floor all the way to the two-story-tall ceiling. All three were ribbed with a dozen or more horizontal bars, each indicating a pull-out drawer of crystals... that was a lot of crystals.

The guards dragged him to the center of the room and stopped, unsure of what more to do.

"Go take a break, guys," Jack said, seating himself on the floor. "I'll tell you when I'm deactivated — assuming I don't detonate prematurely." So many big words. He'd have to stop hanging out so much with Carter.

"We will remain." At least they stood back a comfortable distance, taking up stations on either side of the exit. As ordered, their staff weapons were propped by their sides, but they were armed with a zat apiece. Even if they'd been unarmed, though, they weren't anybody O'Neill was willing to take on singlehandedly.

Since they'd taken his flak jacket, O'Neill searched his pants pockets until he came up with a slightly crushed power bar, which he proceeded to unwrap and eat. "Gotta keep up my strength," he said, raising an eyebrow at the guards, who stared back stonily until the colonel turned to survey the architecture.

He alternated mouthfuls and random comments until the bar was gone. The two guards were looking more bored and annoyed — and disenchanted with his charade, O'Neill realized grimly — when he pulled out a small bottle of aspirin. Immediately the Jaffa snapped to full alert, dropping their zats and whipping their staffs into action. Jack instinctively leapt to his feet, his hand clenching convulsively around the bottle in his hand. What the heck were these guys thinking?

Then he realized that one: they hadn't shot him yet, and two: their eyes were zeroed in on the aspirin in his grasp. Yet another plan fell into place in his mind. Boy, was he on a roll!

"Oh, yeah, this stuff." The colonel casually waved the bottle at them. "Cool stuff. Symbiote poison, it's called."

The Jaffa abruptly stopped breathing and it was plain to see that they were sweating.

"Yup, the invincible divine armies of Lord Hapi could be taken down in a few minutes, just by this little bottle. Heck, Hapi himself isn't immune, either. I hope you guys can aim better than the goons who let the rest of my team escape, 'cause if you hit this bottle, well... I think even you can guess that one. So stand down and don't make me use it."

"You said you were here to kill our god. Why should we trust your word?"

"Umm..." O'Neill shrugged. "No reason."

Both guards' eyes narrowed. "You're bluffing."

"Darn!" The hand holding the bottle fell to his side and he let his shoulders droop. "But hey, at least it gained me enough time... to do this!"

Jack did the last thing that the Jaffa — or any sane person — would have ever expected: he charged the guards. At the last moment, as their staff weapons were too slow tracking him, he threw himself on the ground and snatched up a dropped zat. One of the guards fired; the other screamed and fell, his shin blasted half away. O'Neill didn't bother getting to his feet as he fired. It was an easy shot — the head of the staff was about six inches from his face, and the metal of the weapon conducted the zat's current. The Jaffa stiffened and fell instantly. A second shot put the other one out of his misery, and it was all over quickly.

O'Neill pulled himself to his feet with a groan. "I'm getting too old for this," he said, rubbing his back and securing the zat in his belt. He shut the engine room door, then turned around and looked once more at the sheer size of the place. "Oi..." he muttered to himself, setting to work.

Opening the first drawer on the first pillar revealed several rows of brightly colored crystals. Jack stared in annoyance. "Was it the yellow ones that were important? Or was it the red...? I guess I'll just have to find out."

Ten minutes of stealing random crystals later, the power went out. Auxiliary lights flickered on, casting orange shadows over everything, and O'Neill kept working until those went out, too, with the next crystal pulled. The colonel straightened, stretching his back and grimacing, and wiped his hands on his pants.

"All's well that ends well." He grinned. "I may get back in time for The Simpsons, after all."

Silence reigned on the huge ship. There were no engine sounds, no shields, no air circulation, no nothing. The only light came from irregularly spaced fiery braziers which were surely eating up what oxygen there was in the air.

Alone in the dark, quiet engine room, Jack realized that it may not have been such a terrific idea to shut the door. Yes, it had guarded his back, but now, as he stumbled over the two unconscious Stooges, it was awfully hard to get it open again with the power gone. The zat served him in good stead, as he fired blindly at the control panel and was rewarded with a whooshing sound and a faint glow from the now-open corridor.

Now it was simply seven hundred and something steps back to his cell. Unfortunately he didn't remember how to get to the rings, or even where the rings were at all, so the only place he could go was his cell. Yeah, not exactly the best planner, Jack O'Neill.

"Five-twenty-three... five-twenty-four... five-twenty-five..." Since Jack had the utmost faith in the noise-making capacity of Jaffa patrols, he felt safe counting out loud as he stumbled his way between torches on the way back to the dungeon.

But since this was Hapi's ship, the Goa'uld also felt safe wandering around alone in the dark.

A meeting was inevitable.

O'Neill's first indication that he was no longer alone was when his hand came into contact with thick, rich-feeling fabric that moved. Next thing he knew, there was a pudgy hand on his own sleeve and they both reeled back and strained their eyes in surprise. Jack recovered first, grabbing hold of the person's sleeve again and activating the zat, letting it speak for him.

"Walk nice and slow to the nearest firelight," the colonel muttered dangerously, ears tuned for sounds of anyone else skulking around in the dark. Not hearing anything, he shoved the guy forward, and thus they made their way to the nearest brazier.

"Well, if it isn't Lord Cheerful," O'Neill proclaimed as the flickering light reflected off of obscene amounts of gold jewelry. "Fancy me capturing a god. How does it feel to have the roles reversed?"

Hapi sniffed. "You won't be laughing for much longer, Tau'ri. I call your bluff. I will order my Jaffa to shoot you... as soon as they show up."

"Order away. But do you want to know why your ship is powered down?"

The god glared at him. "Obviously you did something in the engine room while you were there. How stupid do you think I am?"

"Not too stupid to recognize the truth when I tell it to you. Seriously, do you know anything about SG-1? Carter's the technogeek; I'm just a soldier. I don't know a quantum leap from a quasar. And you think I did something to the engines? Please don't act dumb, Mr. Goa'uld."

Hapi's face resumed the same terrified expression from the earlier interrogation. "You mean... you didn't do this?"

"That's right."

"Then who did? Don't tell me — you know all about it, right?"

The colonel nodded emphatically. "You didn't think I came here without backup, did you? That'll be the Great and Powerful Oz coming to check on me, his humble faithful servant."

"You mean there's a ship out there!" Hapi sputtered. "And I have no engines... no shields... no weapons... I'm defenseless! And I'm being held hostage on my own ship!"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh, the humanity. Or not, in your case. Anyway, Oz has got a very powerful super ultra laser... weapon... mounted on his ship, and he just used it to fry all of your systems. You'd better tell him you surrender or he'll blow you out of the sky."

"You're lying! You're lying! You have to be!" Hapi screeched, doing a war dance and waving his arms. "There can't be a weapon like that!"

"Oh, yeah? Check your scanners and find out. Oh, wait, your scanners are down because of the weapon. Go fish."

O'Neill waited until Hapi had recovered to drop his next bomb. "By the way, they're probably getting impatient since they aren't receiving word of your surrender. You'd better hop to it if you want to live another day."

"B-b-but the power's down! Communications are down!"

"Oh well." The colonel sounded remarkably cheerful for someone facing imminent destruction. "Too bad I don't have my radio any more, or I could call 'em up on a private channel and maybe we could set something up..."

"Jaffa! Kree! KREE!" Hapi was suddenly staring a zat in the face.

"No funny business, Joyful."

Clanking footsteps hurrying toward them announced the approach of a Jaffa.

"One word, and you're dead," Jack whispered.

"He will bring your radio to you," the Goa'uld hissed back. "I don't want to die."

"Oh. Okay."

None other than the third Stooge marched into the circle of light. "My lord?" His eyes went wide and he brandished his staff weapon. "You dare threaten the one true god!"

Hapi spread bejeweled fingers wide. "No, no, no, Jaffa. You must not attack him. He is the only one who can stop this infernal darkness and keep us all from being killed! Find all his gear and return it immediately!"

The guard nodded his assent, although he looked far from happy with his god's orders, and headed back the way he'd come.

"And make it snappy!" Jack shouted. The Jaffa glared at him over his shoulder and didn't change his speed.

O'Neill shook a finger after the retreating figure. "I've got a score to settle with you. It's not fair that Larry and Moe got zatted and you get away scot-free." He sighed and turned to the pudgy alien. "Now we wait."

When the Jaffa returned, O'Neill was in the middle of eating another power bar, looking as at home as if he was in the SGC. Although the zat was no longer in Hapi's face, the god was agitated and kept twitching where he sat on the floor.

"Your gear," Larry said, thrusting a bundle at the human.

"At least you could have dry cleaned it," Jack said, unfolding his flak jacket and retrieving his radio from the top pocket. He stood up, stepped to the edge of the firelight, and held the radio to his ear.

"Hello, hello. This is anchorman Jack O'Neill, reporting from on board the Goa'uld mothership. Also here with me is the god Hapi and his sidekick, Curly. ... Oh, what's that? You want to blow him up? Really?" He glanced at Hapi, who clasped his hands and made a pleading face. "Here's an idea — don't kill him. I think he's willing to negotiate for his life." Hapi nodded frantically, took off all of his numerous rings, and offered the double-handful to O'Neill. The colonel absentmindedly picked through the pile and selected a gigantic ruby that fit his finger perfectly, before returning his full attention to the radio. "You're willing to spare him? How generous of you! ... What's that? You want all of his naquadah? In a Ha'tak in space? Okay, I'll tell him that. ... That, too. Yes, sir. Okay. O'Neill out."

The colonel flipped off his radio and pocketed it. "Listen up, boys, I've got a proposition for you. Oz is willing to spare you if you put all of your naquadah and stuff in a ship and leave it floating in space at these coordinates for him to pick up. Then you are to enter hyperspace and never come back to this system again, under pain of death."

Hapi looked like he was about to pass out from sheer relief. "I'll do that immediately. No, wait. Jaffa, kree! You do it immediately."

Curly bowed out of their presence.

"Smart guy," O'Neill commented, although whether he was complimenting himself or the aliens was debatable. He turned to Hapi, causing the god to flinch. "Oh, and one more thing. I'd appreciate it if you'd drop me off at the nearest stargate. With full honors, too. I might put in a good word for you at the System Lord reunion."

The Goa'uld all but prostrated himself at Jack's feet. "You saved my life, Tau'ri. I'll give you anything. Gold, jewels, food, women, the nearest chappa'ai — just name it and it's yours."

"Thanks but no thanks," O'Neill started to say, but stopped. A gleam lit in his eyes. "Anything, you say?"

Hapi nodded.

"Well, when you put it that way..."

oooOoOooo

The three Earth-bound members of SG-1 stampeded into the control room at the first sign of gate activity.

"Any sign of the colonel, sir?" Carter asked before she even came to a complete halt.

Hammond looked at the screen in front of him helplessly. "You know as much about this as I do, Major."

"Wait!" Daniel pointed to the computer as numbers flashed onscreen. "That's Jack's IDC!"

The sergeant on duty turned to Hammond. "Sir, should I open the iris?"

The general hesitated. "There's a chance he's been compromised..."

Teal'c glanced at the marines swarming the gate room. "Can not they handle any invaders?"

"Sometimes you've got to go with your gut instinct," Hammond said slowly. "And right now, my gut is saying, 'open that iris'. Do it, sergeant."

"Yes, sir."

Carter, Jackson, and Teal'c left the control room as quickly as they'd come and raced to the open stargate. The iris whisked open, blue light filling the room. Then a figure materialized on the event horizon and sauntered down the ramp. The marines at first started to lower their guns, then, realizing that they didn't actually recognize the newcomer, raised them again.

"Jack?" Carter and Daniel said together, and beside them Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"Hi, kids! Did ya miss me?"

There was no mistaking that attitude. It was definitely Jack... although he was dressed more like a million-dollar museum exhibit.

Daniel blinked. "Is that crown... Are those diamonds?"

O'Neill raised a cloth-of-gold sleeved arm and saluted Hammond, who was left standing at the control room's window.

"Hey, General! Tell the Tok'ra or someone with a ship to go to these coordinates" — he waved a scribbled piece of parchment — "if they want a billion tons of naquadah. It's floating in space, just waiting to be picked up!"

Carter approached the colonel carefully. "Sir? Are you okay?"

He turned to her, decked from head to toe in gold and gems and sporting a black eye, and stared. "Are you okay? I'm sure it's not healthy to have eyes that wide. Now, if some of you would help, gold is heavy and this stuff is killing my back. Get it off me." His diamond-studded crown hit the ramp and rolled to Teal'c's feet.

"Indeed."

Daniel just stood and watched as Jack shed piece after piece of priceless jewelry, dropping it all to the floor. "What happened?" he finally asked.

"I got captured. The usual."

"So... this..." He speechlessly indicated the piled treasure. "And the naquadah..."

"Yeah. That happened."

Carter took in the whole scene again. "You're telling me this was all by accident, colonel?"

"Yep. A well-planned accident."

"You never plan anything, Jack."

"Daniel, that is so not true. Take right now: I plan on taking a shower, getting a real meal, and heading home in time for The Simpsons." Leaving the shining pile behind, O'Neill stepped off the ramp and toward the blast doors. "Oh, and by the way, kids, you can all thank Hapi for this one."

The doors closed behind the colonel.

"Who?" Daniel repeated, scratching his head.

"I just hope whoever it was didn't do anything permanent to him," Carter sighed as she followed SG-1's leader.

"Indeed."

"Teal'c, that crown doesn't become you at all."

A/N: In Egyptian mythology, Hapi is the (surprisingly unimportant) god of the Nile. He's kinda androgynous, and sometimes depicted with blue skin. I picked on him just because of his name :D I figured Jack couldn't resist teasing someone named "Happy"...

I had loads of fun writing this! Leave a review and let me know if you liked it, too! Reviews make me hapi. :)