Chapter 1- Burning for Change

This story doesn't have a beta and is filled with angst. Fair warning :p.

"Come on skinny love just last the year

Pour a little salt we we never here

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer."

-Bon Iver-

Everything ends and time moves on. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. After everything in my world has gone to shit, I need some sort of mantra to keep me moving forward. To keep me from putting an end to it all. She's gone and I'm lost. So incredibly lost. I don't know which way is up anymore. I don't know where to go from here. I did this to myself and I know I deserve every second of this misery, but I can't help but hope for something better. I can't help but yearn for a future with her.

She was my everything for the last decade of my life. And now, she's gone completely. I would give anything to go back and change things. I'd sell my soul right now if it meant I could retract all of my deplorable actions. However, I know there's fucking nothing. I don't think I can possibly hate myself more than I do right now. Bella's gone and I'm nothing.

I shouldn't have fucked Kate. Looking back, I don't know why the fuck I did it. Why the fuck did I cheat on my wife for six months? I was depressed, I was feeling lost as I neared the end of my residency, and I was lonely. Bella didn't want me around, she was too wrapped up in finishing her first book, and Kate was… well Kate was there. And she wanted me. One night, she was sucking my cock when I was drunk and brooding about my fears, and the next thing I knew we were fucking each other every chance we got. I fucked her in the on-call room, I fucked her in her apartment, I fucked her in the backseat of my Volvo. I never brought her home though. I couldn't do that to Bella. Fuck you, Cullen. You could cheat on her but cheating on her in your bed was too low for you? Stop trying to cut yourself some slack.

I begged for her to stay. I begged on my knees, crying for her to give me another chance, but Bella isn't weak. She's never been weak. She left without a single look back. While she was strong enough to leave, I noticed the look in her eyes. I noticed how fucking broken she was. After she walked in on Kate and I fucking on the couch in Kate's living room, see cried and ran before I promptly threw up. I knew the moment I saw her there was no fixing this. There was no chance for us. That didn't stop me from begging. That didn't stop me from calling her constantly and showing up at her work. I was acting like a fucking psycho, but love does strange things to a person. I was a bastard. But I was a bastard who loved her.

Where will I go from here? Tomorrow our divorce will be official. Tomorrow will be the first time I've seen her in three months. The absence has only caused me to burn for her more. My efforts to win her back stopped a month after she left, because I knew my efforts were counterproductive. I thought if I just gave her time, she'd come around. She'd remember how devoted I was to her for all these years. I fucked up, but before I fucked up I loved her more than any man has ever loved a woman. She must remember that. She has to. She was my best friend.

I dread tomorrow, but the fact that I'll see her beautiful face softens the blow. Maybe I'll be able to convince her to stay. Maybe if I beg one more time. God, I don't know. I have to do something. I can't let her walk away. I've done everything wrong I could possibly do, but I love her more than anything, and that must count for something. It has to…

Tomorrow will be the start of something new. I can feel it. Whether it's a good or bad something, I don't know, but after months of being dead inside, I burn for something new.