Dean Winchester was a lying bastard.

Veiled references to child abuse, but not really.

Random thoughts that are getting me out of my english homework. Enjoy.

Dean Winchester was a lying bastard.

It hadn't always been that way. He hadn't been a good liar all his life, it had been a skill that had needed to be learned, the same as learning to decipher a baby's cries as a five year old, to understand which one meant 'change me' and which one meant 'feed me'.

It was the same as learning to 'be a man', which daddy had said meant taking a bath by himself, because mummy wasn't there to hold his towel out for him anymore. There were other things he had to learn, to be a man properly, but daddy had said it was for the best, it was what mummy had wanted, and Dean had always liked to do what mummy wanted. She usually gave him something afterwards, a cookie, or a story, or a big, warm hug where she lifted him off the ground and spun him around and up and down like an airplane. Dean hadn't asked daddy if he could have any of those things. When he had been told to be a man, he had just assumed that if daddy knew what mummy wanted, then daddy knew where mummy was. And so he would tell her, wherever she was, just how well Dean was doing. And then maybe she would come back, and show him how pleased she was with him. Dean hoped she gave him a big warm hug. Cookies were real nice and everything, especially the ones with the big chocolate chip centres, but Dean hadn't had a big mummy hug for a while, and it was longer then he'd ever gone without a mummy hug before.

Dean didn't confide this hope in little Sammy though. He figured that Sammy didn't really know what mummy's rewards were like, he was too young to have cookies and ice cream and big airplane hugs, because he was only a little baby, and you had to be real careful with babies. Daddy had told him that, just after he and mummy brought his brother home from the hospital, and he had been pink and tiny, and Dean had wanted to hold onto him.

"You need to be careful with your brother Deano, ok? He's really little at the moment, and he needs you to look after him. Can you do that Dean?"

Dean had nodded, hair flopping into his eyes, and his mummy had laughed.

"Dean can do it; he's been looking forward to being a big brother for months haven't you bud?"

Dean had nodded again, and they had sat him down and passed the bundle into his arms, and he had been warm, and heavier then Dean had expected, but his mummy had smiled at him, and he had held onto the baby tight, because that's what he had been told big brothers did.

"Are you going to say hi Deano? His names Sammy."

"Hi Sammy" Dean had murmured, surprised when Sammy had opened one eye gently, and locked eyes with him, one tiny finger gripping onto his pinky.

Once daddy took the baby back, and had taken him upstairs to put into his crib, the one that Dean had helped to put together by passing daddy the tools, he and mummy had been sitting at the table, having a cookie each, and splitting another one between them (it was Sammy's, but he couldn't eat it just yet).

"So what do you think of your brother bud? You like him?"

"Mummy, I think that he's gonna be the best brother ever."

"I'm sure he will be sweetheart. And what about you? Do you think you'll like being a big brother? It's a big job, I had a big brother, and he had to take very good care of me."

Dean wasn't lying when he replied, mouth half full of gooey chocolate chip cookie. "Mummy, I'm gonna be the best big brother there ever was."

She had laughed delightedly, and pulled him to her.

"I'm sure you will bud, I'm sure you will."

The first time Dean lied was just after the fire, he was waiting with Sam, sitting on the bonnet of the car, even though he had been told that it wasn't right to sit on cars. He was borrowing one of the firemen's hats, because the fireman was borrowing his daddy, just for a minute. Dean had asked where mummy was, but daddy hadn't replied, so he figured that she was hiding, and daddy didn't want to ruin the surprise. Dean was tired, and cold, and the car was uncomfortable, but when Sammy started crying he had rocked him gently, like he had seen mummy and daddy do.

"It's ok Sammy; we're just playing a game. Its lots of fun, honest, I'm really enjoying it." He wasn't really, though he was really enjoying having the firemen's hat sitting on his head. He had read a book with firemen in it with mummy a few nights ago, and had decided that he wanted to be one when he grew up.

"Fire-fighters save lives Dean, I'd be really proud of you if you saved lives."

"I could drive the fire truck too mummy, it'd be cooler than driving in daddy's car."

"Don't let daddy hear you say that bud, I don't think he'd agree." She had laughed, and Dean had laughed too.

Mummy had promised to buy him a fire-fighters hat. He wondered whether the hat he was wearing now was the one she had promised him, part of his big surprise.

Dean knew lying was wrong, but he lied again the next day, after daddy had sat him down at Mike's house, and told him that mummy couldn't be with them anymore, but that she would want him to be a man, and act like one. Dean had nodded, pretended he understood, even though he didn't. Daddy had seemed relieved though, and Dean thought maybe lies were ok, if they meant that Daddy looked slightly less sad.

It wasn't long after that Dean began to lie a lot more. But he figured that his mum would understand, because lying was part of being a man, and she had asked him to do that. He understood, as he got older, that what had happened hadn't been a game, and that mummy wasn't coming back for a big airplane hug, or even to give him a gooey cookie, or read him a story.

But Dean kept being a man, because daddy had said mummy wanted him too. And Dean believed that daddy wanted him too as well. He tried not to lie, as much as he could, but sometimes it seemed like daddy wanted him to lie. When he had forgotten to make dinner, and Dean could feel his tummy rumbling daddy would glance over, and sigh, like he seemed to do a lot, and pull a funny face, like he was trying to remember something.

"Did we have dinner Deano?" The first time daddy asked it had been a silly question, and so he had replied, that of course they hadn't had dinner yet daddy, because he hadn't made it. And daddy had looked sad, and nodded slowly, pulling himself and his bottle out of the chair and wandering into the kitchen to make them each a sandwich.

Dean thought it must have been a game, because the next night daddy asked the same thing, and he had said, answered no again. But this time daddy hadn't sighed, he had slurred, and pulled Dean in front of him, and growled at him in a voice that didn't sound at all like daddy.

"Well maybe you shouldn't be so damned lazy boy! Maybe you should make your own dinner, instead of expecting me to do it all the time. She's gone, you hear me? GONE. And I don't have time to drag myself around after you like she used to, be a man, and fix your own meal."

Dean had lied the next morning, when daddy had asked why his eye was black.

"I ran into a cupboard daddy, while you were out…. No daddy, its ok, honest, it really doesn't hurt that much."

Dean burnt himself on the stove that night, trying to be a man and make a dinner.

The lying got easier, as he got older. He could lie to his father as though it were second nature. Yes sir, I already ate. I was in a fight at school sir, that's how I got the bruise. No sir, I don't mind looking after Sammy while you're gone.

He could lie to Sammy too. Scared Sam? 'course not. Nah, its ok, you do your homework, I know how much this mark means to you, I don't mind watching dads back by myself. No, honest, it isn't that much blood, I'm fine.

When he was little mummy could tell when he was lying, if he had spilled his juice on the carpet and pretended that he didn't know how the stain had gotten there. She would sit him down, and say, "Dean, its ok to make a mistake, but you don't need to lie about it."

But daddy couldn't tell when he was lying, not after mummy left and he went, funny. And Sammy, he didn't know what Dean had been like, before he got real good at lying. So he couldn't really tell either.

Though, there was that one time. Dean was pretty sure Sam knew he was lying that time.

"Dean, I need to do this. I need to get away; you see what he's doing to me? To you? Its crazy! I need a normal life Dean. And Stanford is the way to get it! You gotta understand."

"I do Sammy. I want you to be happy. We'll be fine on this end, Dad'll cool down after a while."

His dad had known, for the first time in a long time he had recognised the lie, that night when Dean had stumbled back in, heart in pieces.

"You know son, I did the right thing, he's no use to this family if he's prepared to ignore what's really out there."

"Ok sir."

Dean Winchester was a lying bastard. He wondered if his mother realised that it was ok to tell lies though, if they made the people you were telling them too feel better. If a lie keeps a family going, surely its ok?

Review pleace, my first attempt at Supernatural fan fic, to try to fill the void that has been left in my life after the finale. REviews will help to fill the void! lol. Hope you enjoyed it.