A/N: A whole new Addams Family story!
Enjoy this sickly sweet one shot.
"You want me to eat a spider?" Joel looked dubiously at Lumpy Addams who was smiling (never a good sign) and holding out a tank crawling with spiders of all sizes.
"It's part of the initiation." He insisted. Lumpy had offered a number of levels to the initiation already – being stripped and left in the Swamp, leaving Joel to battle a monster in the basement, help Grandmama in the kitchen (that one was incredibly easy, much to Lumpy's chagrin who still had the scorch mark on his backside from when he was eleven). Now as the other man waved the tank under his nose, Joel sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and led the Addams down to the kitchen. If he was going to eat a spider he might as well make it a meal.
An hour later, Lumpy was mildly sulking that not only could Joel eat many spiders, he could also create a family meal out of them that had Grandmama applauding him. He had to admit Arachno-a-la-Joel was absolutely delicious and Lumpy's sulk wouldn't last long. If Joel could pass the initiation he would cope wonderfully as Wednesday's other half; Lumpy was scared of the dark eyed young woman that Joel was betrothed to, she would grow up to be an Addams Great, immortalised in the cemetery, perhaps under a stone vial as Lumpy had the sense that Wednesday would prefer poison in her later life. He just hoped she would not use it on Joel, he was coming to rather like the fellow and he knew Gomez adored him. Uncle Augustin and Cousin Johann had already given approval for Joel's place in the Addams family and the two had forwarded Lucian, "Lumpy" Addams to initiate the outsider into their clan. Aunt Arabella have given Joel the critical once over, still recalling that it was he and Wednesday that caught the ill-fated Debbie's bouquet but even she grudgingly admitted he would do well in the Addams fold.
"Are we done now?" Joel and Lumpy drifted outside, and Lumpy nodded.
"Well for today." He said with a smile that made Joel sigh. "There is one initiation left and then I will gladly tell Morticia and Gomez that they can plan the wedding, I'm sure Fester will be thrilled that he can plan another Addams ceremony." Lumpy smiled as the pair lounged on a dilapidated bench by the swamp.
"Okay, when's the last ceremony? I'm sure Wedensday is adding cyanide to the tea she's started bringing me…" Joel said lightly. "I think she might be impatient to marry me before she kills me." He chuckled.
"I hope she doesn't, I'm not doing this initiation again. It's exhausting!" Lumpy grumbled.
"Exhausting for who exactly? I didn't see you feeding the chimera with me?" Joel laughed.
"Both of us! Do you know how much wheedling it took to beg Granny Makaber to give me that chimera?" Lumpy exclaimed. "Anyway, I have arranged with Aunt Morticia that the last ceremony will be tonight."
"In the dark?" Joel frowned at his companion.
"Naturally, the gloom will be your constant companion if you pass this one." Lumpy said almost cheerfully and Joel sighed loudly.
"It's in the graveyard isn't it?" Watching with a small amount of satisfaction as Lumpy's face fell.
"How did you know?"
"Because I expected the first one to be in there." He remarked and Lumpy shrugged.
"Understandable my good man. From dusk to dawn you are in the graveyard."
~J.G~
"All this to marry Wednesday Addams." Joel propped himself up on the bench and tried for a modicum of comfort to pass the night. He had been allowed one afghan, a book, a torch and a flask of something that Grandmama had pressed into his hands to keep his 'spirits up' but that was about it. Tonight he was one his own with a lot of stone for company.
Some hours had passed before he reached for the flask and took a sip from it, still focused on the thick tome he had brought from the library. No sooner had the heady concoction passed his lips he was aware he was not alone. Sat opposite him was quite clearly a ghost. A woman in white with pursed lips was sat on a gravestone staring at him.
"About time too." Her clipped voice broke the silence. "We were wondering when you'd bother to drink and talk to us." She hopped down from the stone and stalked over to a gaping Joel. "Oh they didn't tell you. Let me guess, dear Ebba opted to make some silly joke…was it along the lines of spirits?" The ghost sighed as Joel nodded. "Of course it was, that girl inherited her humour from my husband, it's definitely not mine."
"You're Grandmama's mother?" Joel was still staring but he had since closed his mouth.
"I am dear boy I am!" The ghost exclaimed. "I am Brigid Addams, here to introduce you to the generations of Addams gone by that are still interested in family politics. We won't mention the likes of Dracul who is flouting his fame across the pond at Whitby." She sneered briefly but held out her hand which Joel kissed, surprised at the solidness of her touch. "Good man. Little Gomez taught you well." She had narrowed her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. "Come along little one." She led him through the graves to the central crypt.
Inside was a chair with many faces lining the walls, gesturing to the chair she indicated that Joel sits while Brigid took her place opposite him.
"Good evening Addams." Her voice echoed and yet strangely Joel was not afraid. He was curious as to the faces around him and the dastardly deeds of the deceased that now inhabited the graveyard. "I bring to you the latest addition to our family. He is neither psychopath nor serial killer. From what I have witnessed he has not killed anyone, nor feasted on them knowingly." There are grumbles of disappointment and disapproval from the onlookers. "But he worships Wednesday." The atmosphere changes and a whiskered face moved forward, his whole body materialising, revealing him to be portly and dressed in Victorian garb.
"Wednesday Addams, the little chit who is surely destined for the top circles of hell?" He quizzed Brigid who nodded. "My, you've fallen in love with one of our prodigies. Jeremiah Addams, formerly Jeremiah Murdock." He nodded.
"Sir." Joel stood and nodded his head to the newly introduced spirit.
"He's a wise one. But to stop you wearing out your knees at such a young age I suggest you stay seated for the remaining introductions. Or you'll look more like a jack-in-the-box than a suitor for our Wednesday." Jeremiah advised.
"Sir." Joel sat back down. "Is your wife present Sir, as you married into the family?" He asked hesitantly and Jeremiah grinned.
"Hortensia!" He bellowed and another face moved forwards to join his side. "My wife, Hortensia Addams. The beauty to my beast." He grinned at her and kissed her most soundly before the others. "We invented the Addams passion."
"Nonsense." Another female voice broke through and another form appeared. "Adelaide Addams, died in 1684, ex-puritan and most wonderfully ravished by Julian Addams." The pinched face woman did not look like the embodiment of heated love but in her eyes, Joel saw a look he occasionally saw in Wednesday before she took him to bed. Appearances could be deceiving.
"Aunt Laborgia." Another introduced herself. "I'm not too sure you're suited for Wednesday, why on earth should we let you marry our girl?" She crossed her arms across her ample bosom and frowned.
"I adore her." He said simply. "I would not like to live without her, nor die by any hand but hers." Joel heard the approval of some ghosts at his addition. "She has attempted to kill me forty two times in the last two years and still I long for everything she gives me; her heat, her words, her gaze, her touch, her love. I am her servant to command."
His speech had impressed Laborgia who faded back into the wall and stepped forward another face.
"I am afraid you must face a lot of the female wrath tonight." The new form smiled. "I understand the menfolk have been inducting you on the earthly side of the matters." This ghost was beautiful and Joel said so, another smile flitting across her face. "Most kind Mr Glicker, I am Aunt Bachoria." She smiled and Joel had a vague memory of her penchant for the blood of the innocent, she was one of the Greats as well. "Now Mr Glicker, you seem most competent for providing for Wednesday's needs and I do think you'll suit but how will you partner her – will you be equals, will you be her protector, her carer?"
"I do not think Wednesday needs a protector, from when we first met she has protected me more. But I think she needs caring for. There are periods when she plots too hard or studies poisons for a little too long that she forgets she is still on the mortal plane. Forgetting to eat and look after herself means I have to remind her. In that way I believe we become equals, we occupy different roles but we are there for one another nonetheless." Joel thought about his speech before making it and with a slight dip of the head Aunt Bachoria faded back as well.
"Anyone else want to grill him?" Brigid quizzed and a trio of men stepped forward.
"Nilus, Olaf and Ulrich Addams." They introduced themselves. "We're not here to grill you, merely fit you up for your coffin sir. Stand stand." They ushered him upright, taking his measurements and the crowd noticed he was not too fazed at the thought of an imminent death. "We believe by marrying Wednesday you'll be with us relatively fast." One of them explained as he spread Joel's arms to measure the span.
"Many think I'll be passing over quite quickly once Wednesday has me legally in her grasp." He said idly and there is laughter amongst the other ghosts, the three undertakers included.
"You should meet the matriarch." Brigid murmured, "she's just arrived." She nodded to the door which had flung open dramatically and even without her warning, Joel bowed to the newcomer. He remained bent until there was a soft touch on his hair and he slowly rose.
"Smart little mortal." She dark eyed woman smiled and Joel gasped. She looked almost identical to Wednesday and he couldn't help but stare at the spectre before him. "I had to ensure the man marrying my Wednesday was worthy. In my experience the first husband is usually a do-gooder." She sneered, raising one eyebrow as he was still staring.
"I used to be, Wednesday taught me the error of my ways." Joel stammered.
"Lilith Addams. First woman on earth and first Addams woman to ensure that the mockery of Adam's name lived on." She grinned wickedly and Joel shivered. "Pleased to announce I am a biblical myth and I believe relegated to the devilry." She sat down in the chair and swung her leg over the side.
"You're an Addams myth as well!" He blurted out and she grinned again.
"Beautiful isn't it. Most do not learn of me until they passed over but if you cannot tell I have a highly vested interest in Wednesday and I was sure you needed to be veto'd by me, not just the Ancestors." She sighed, snapping her fingers for the wine that appeared before her. "Now Mr Glicker you and I shall talk."
~J.G~
At sunrise the next morning it was Wednesday that pushed open the gates to the cemetery with Lumpy behind her. Spying the afghan, the bottle, the torch and the book on the bench the pair scoured the graveyard for his form, dead or alive and found nothing.
"The crypt?" Lumpy nodded towards the monument and the pair pushed open the door. There they found Joel, bound to the chair, head slumped forwards and they moved towards him.
"Darling?" Wednesday whispered, stroking his hair as Lumpy quickly unbound him. The pair were relieved to hear him groan though Wednesday would not admit to anyone but him.
"My love?" His voice sounded hoarse and Wednesday tipped his head back to pour a little of the water they had brought with them into his mouth.
"Are you okay?" She pushed hair back from his face as he sighed up at her.
"Is it actually you Wednesday?" He quizzed and despite her frown she nodded. "Oh good, I was quite concerned Lilith had come back to finish me off." He grunted in pain as Lumpy slipped an arm under one side, Wednesday under the other and the pair all but carried him towards the house.
He was in bed for three days after his 'chat' with Lilith. When he had finally recovered his strength enough, he recounted his meeting to Wednesday and Wednesday alone.
"The reflection in the mirror that didn't always quite do as you did, I believe she is watching over you." He sighed and closed his eyes once more. This was not news to Wednesday, she had known had some form of patron on the Other Side, but to hear that Lilith was claiming her and had tested Joel to his earthly limits was news. It made Wednesday frown and soon she took off to the attic, though one of the secret doors to a room where a lone mirror stood. It was nothing ornate, it was black rimmed, cracked in one corner and was at least seven foot tall. Seeing her form in it, Wednesday took a breath and concentrated.
"So it would be Lilith that has been by my side." She said to the reflection. "I am honoured to receive your patronage, but I am warning you… hurt my Joel again and there will be trouble." She frowned at the reflection who did not frown back, instead a smug smile pulled up the corners of her mouth. "Nobody gets to torture Joel except for me." She warned her face once more.
"So it seems." The reflection spoke and Wednesday smirked. "I saw how your tortures work. I believe you two are well suited… a match made in the depths of hell one may say." She grinned and Wednesday shook her head. "I won't touch him again, I promise to you on my honour as an Addams."
"Appreciated. I expect I shall see you when I pass over."
"Come and see me before, I do like our chats." Lilith nodded and the reflection turned away from Wednesday, leaving a blank room in the glass.
A week after Lumpy had locked him in the graveyard Joel was up and moving.
"You passed old thing!" Lumpy nudged his shoulder. "Who did you meet by the way? Did you meet Uncle Judas?"
"No, I didn't… I met many and I was wondering if I can go back and see them. I did not get a chance to ask last time." Joel wondered as he toyed with his book.
"You want to see the Ancestors again?"
"They were interesting, had a lot of stories to tell. It would be good if someone wrote their adventures and misdeeds down." Joel pondered and Lumpy laughed.
"By hellswater you are made for this family."