Author's note: So I couldn't resist writing a Christmas story. Featuring Destiel, Dean's self-worth issues and brotherly love. Inspired by "It's A Wonderful Life".
The first week he isn't allowed to leave his room. He could, of course; he is not an invalid, despite what Sam may think, but he is not ready for the bitchfit his brother would surely throw if he took a step out of the door.
Sam brings him food and drinks, burgers, pie, everything he considers unhealthy, even alcohol, and ignores everything that happened.
That in itself sets of the alarm bells, because if there is one thing Sam loves to do, it's forcing Dean to talk about his feelings.
This time, though, Sam is just as exhausted as Dean, and he simply wants to take care of his brother.
In his darker moments, he wonders if this is Sam's way of giving up – on Dean, on everything.
Then again, his lighter moments are pretty damn dark too, so he figures it doesn't matter.
And there's Cas.
Cas, who gave up every bit of Grace left to rid Dean of the Mark and, according to Sam, is feeling well and completely human.
According to Sam because Cas and he don't really talk. He's been to see him a few times, but only for five minute tops, and then he only asked how Dean felt and left immediately afterwards. He probably hates him for all he did. As if taking the Mark wasn't stupid enough in the first place, succumbing to it again and almost killing both the angel and his brother must rank rather high on the list of awful things he has done.
And now Cas is human, once and for all apparently, and he doesn't really want to see Dean.
It's fine. He gets it.
Okay, so it's not fine, but still. He gets it.
He expects Cas to be gone when he is finally allowed to leave his room. Instead, he's sitting in the study, reading.
He hasn't seen Sam yet, hopes his brother is still asleep, he looked tired last night, but he couldn't sleep anymore, so he got up, and he reminds himself that getting up early is never a good idea as he stands on the threshold of the room.
Cas would have turned around immediately if he still had any mojo left, but now he has no idea that Dean is standing there. Dean only saw him for a short time when he was human, and then their biggest problem was that he had told him to leave.
He would laugh about it, if he found it funny in any way.
Cas turns around.
Their eyes meet.
"Hello, Dean".
"Hey, Cas" he replies quietly. He can't bring himself to look into his eyes. This is how all their talks have gone. Cas with his piercing gaze unwaveringly on Dean, and Dean looking anywhere but at him, for fear of what he will read in his eyes.
"I made coffee".
"Thanks" he grumbles and pours himself a cup. He still doesn't look at Cas. Maybe he should go to his room.
"How are you feeling?"
There's compassion in Cas' voice. Even though he should be the last person to care for Dean. The hunter screwed up his whole existence.
"Better. Sam's even let me out of bed".
Unconsciously, he looks at Cas and is surprised by the smile he sees. Why is Cas smiling at him?
"He told me you had been "whining the whole week" the angel – no, former angel, never angel again – informs him.
"I didn't have to stay in bed" he mumbles, looking away again. Why is Cas smiling? Is it because he only stayed to make sure he'd get on his feet again and is going to leave?
He has every reason to. He's human now, he could be out there living the high life, or at least a normal, supernatural-free one. Like he did when he worked at the store. No reason for him to hang around at all.
His grip on the cup tightens. He doesn't want Cas to leave, but as far away from him as possible is probably the best place for anyone to be, most of all a former angel whose existence he's destroyed in more ways than one.
"Dean?"
Cas sounds sad. He looks up again.
"Yes?"
"I am glad you are okay" the angel says softly and Dean flees.
He's cost Cas so much, and he's still happy that he's alive.
As if Dean didn't feel like crap already.
Sam wakes up an hour later and immediately checks up on him. He's in his room, cleaning his guns, the cup of coffee long grown cold next to him.
There's a sadness in his brother's eyes he ignores.
"I'm going to get a few essentials" Sam says, but it's said too casually, and Dean knows immediately something's up.
"What do you mean?" he demands.
Sam sighs.
"It's December, Dean."
"So?"
"It's almost Christmas".
Dean blinks and forgets to keep cleaning his gun. They haven't celebrated Christmas in a long time, not since before he went to Hell. Before they knew Cas.
"So?"
Sam sighs again.
"I thought it would be nice if we were to celebrate it this year – and Cas is here, too".
Dean doubts he'll stay till Christmas. There are still a few days left, plenty of time to leave.
"He's human now" Sam insists. "The least we can do is give him a proper Christmas".
He's giving Dean the puppy dog eyes, and the older Winchester really can't say no. Not after everything they did for him.
"Fine" he concedes and goes back to cleaning.
He really could do without Sam sighing every few sentences, he decides when it happens again.
"Promise me something?"
He can't really say no when his brother asks like that, so he nods without taking his eyes of the weapon in his hand.
"Try to be happy".
He looks up and stares at Sam.
"Just – please, Dean. Smile. Do things you like, instead of sitting here brooding. Spend some time with Cas".
That's not going to happen, not after everything, but he nods anyway.
Sam knows that he doesn't mean it immediately, but he leaves, and being alone is all Dean wants at the moment.
Well, not really. It's actually pretty far from what he wants, but what he wants he isn't gonna get, so might as well make it about that.
He forces himself to leave his room for longer periods of time than simply grab a snack during the next few days. For someone who complained that he wasn't allowed out of bed, he's surely reluctant to get far away from it now, but who cares.
Cas certainly doesn't. Since he told him he's glad he's okay, they haven't really spoken.
At least Cas is still there. Although Dean doesn't know if that's a good thing.
Maybe, once upon a day, before him being a demon and Cas being human, straight after the Apocalypse –
No. No thinking about that. And no thinking about these other – these weird – the desire to be close –
Nope. Nothing there. There was never anything there. They don't even speak, and if that's not a sign that nothing was ever there or is going to be there, Dean doesn't know what is.
They are decorating. Every time Dean leaves his room, there is another piece of Christmas cheer hanging around the bunker, and somewhere Christmas carols are playing and Sam talks about presents and traditions while Cas looks at him, clearly confused, and he really tries not to frown.
He fails most of the time, but trying has to count for something.
On the third day he finds a hunt. What looks like just one vamp offing people a few hours away. He hasn't driven Baby in a long time, not properly, not like she deserves to be driven, and he needs air.
He'll simply go. One less problem for Sam and Cas to worry about, and they can celebrate or whatever it is they are planning. Won't even notice he's gone, most likely. It's not like they have really talked since he was healed.
Actually, everything would be much easier for them if he was gone or had never met them in the first place, he decides. It's such a simple truth he's surprised he hasn't thought about it before.
He'll just go without telling them.
Of course it doesn't work like that. Cas comes across him as he's carrying his bag to the garage.
"Dean?"
Cas sounds terrified.
"Found a case."
"Is Sam packing too?"
There's something in Cas' voice, but Dean doesn't have the time to figure out what.
"I can handle this one on my own."
"What?"
Sam is standing in front of them, and Dean groans.
"I'll be fine. It's just a single vamp".
"Dean – "
"I'll be back before you know it" he says and rushes past his brother before either of them can object.
He's driven three miles before his head clears and he can breathe again.
Why would Cas ask where he was going?
Not that it matters. If he's lucky, he might even miss Christmas and the forced cheer Sam and Cas seem determined to make him endure.
Then again, it shouldn't take him to long. It's only a vamp, judging by the newspaper article. Behead and move on.
It's not a vamp.
He doesn't know what it is, just that it grabs him from behind and throws him against a wall, and he's too weak and too tired to fight.
His last thought is that it fucking figures that he dies shortly before Christmas. Sam is going to be pissed.
His first thought would be that he's in Heaven, but that's one place he's never going to, so he sits up immediately, startled, when he comes to and feels comfortable.
He's lying on a soft bed in a decent looking room. Maybe it's Hell and Crowley is playing with him. If so, the joke's on him because Dean doesn't believe in good things happening to him of all people, so he's suspicious right from the start.
He isn't hurt as far as he can tell, and that in itself is a sign that something's wrong, because he did get thrown into a wall.
He stands up. Walks to the door.
It's locked, of course.
His lock picks and weapons are still on him, but he can't get the door open. So what? Just wait here?
"Don't worry" a soft voice says. "You don't have to wait".
He turns around and finds a pretty young woman standing behind him. She's blonde, resembles his mother and Jess, and he swallows.
"You the thing that jumped me?" he asks.
She frowns.
"I'm hardly a thing".
He doesn't answer, but he reaches for his blade. He doubts it would work on her – after years in the business, he has his instincts. And they say that whatever is standing in front of him isn't worried about the knife in the least.
"Call me Lana" she says, and he frowns. Few of the monsters he encounters bother to introduce themselves.
She's not looking very threatening either, she's even smiling, but Dean is too experienced to assume she means no harm.
"Relax, Dean. Nothing is going to happen to you".
He doesn't like how she pronounces the last word.
"What do you mean, me?"
"That I'm not going to hurt you".
This time, there's no emphasis on the last word. He counts it as a win. There's not much else he could do. He thought it was a vamp, but that's obviously not true. God knows after everything, after Benny, he's able to recognize one from a mile off.
He should have done more research, but he was so desperate to get away.
He lunches anyway; she shoves him away as easily as if he was a fly. He doesn't even touch her.
So much for not harming him now, he thinks as he stands up.
He wonders what Sam and Cas are going to do when they realize he's gone.
They'll probably be relieved.
"Stop" she orders him.
"With a monster ready to kill me? Not a chance?"
She rolls her eyes.
"Please. I just want to show you something".
"Show me something?"
"You would be missed if you were gone, you know" she answers. "Especially at this time of the year –"
Dean raises his hand. No way is he going to get into a Christmas discussion with a monster.
"You think it would be better for everyone if you were dead" she continues, undeterred.
"Make that into "never been born"" he replies sarcastically, because he might as well tell the truth. Whatever the outcome of this, one of them is not going to live to tell the tale, so it doesn't matter.
Her face lights up and he takes a step back.
"That's a wonderful idea!"
And, without her touching him this time, everything goes black.